I just don't know if I can do this.
You can do it. We can do it.
What if he finds us?
I can protect you.
Look, you need to trust me.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you.
Not someone who controls you.
Okay, come on, we need to hurry.
Katja!
Alexander. This isn't what it looks like...
You betrayed me.
I will deal with you later.
And this...
This is the object of your affection.
Frankly, I don't see it.
Don't do this, Zogu.
Any last words?
Yeah.
Pineapple.
"Pineapple"?
What is this "pineapple"?
It's a delicious fruit.
I know it's delicious...
You are an imbecile, you know that?
I grant you your last words
and you give me pineapple nonsense.
What is this?
Well, pineapple, it's the...
It's the code word for the raid order.
Don't even think about it.
FBI.
You're under arrest, Zogu.
Racketeering, wire fraud, money laundering,
and I'm sure we'll think up some other stuff
like trying to kill me and slapping women around.
And extremely bad cologne.
This is only the beginning, my friend.
I'm not your friend.
Get him out of here.
You're FBI?
I'm sorry.
You okay, dude?
Pineapple?
Couldn't think of something better than pineapple?
You know I love pineapple, man. It's my favorite fruit.
Dude, you look like you need a drink.
It's on me. Come on, let's get out of here.
Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Come on, man, you did good in here.
You like the way I bust in the door? Wasn't it gangster?
Reed.
How was your date last night?
It wasn't a date, grandpa. No one dates anymore.
It was a hookup.
Oh, it was a booty call.
You know, I've got a theory, you wanna hear it?
No.
Hello.
Hey, you know, you haven't been in any serious relationship since Katja.
I think you're still in love with her.
Excuse me, I was never in love with Katja. I was undercover.
I was acting.
Oh. Okay, you were acting.
Well, you know, sometimes, these kind of assignments can blur the lines, Romeo.
Why're you busting my chops?
Trial's next week.
Katja's gonna be there to testify.
You're not a little excited to see her?
And what? Settle down with Zogu's mistress in the witness protection program?
Live in Arizona for the rest of my life?
No, thanks, I'm good.
No.
That did not just happen.
That's karma, bro.
- That is perfect karma. - No.
The vending machine gods want you to be honest about your feelings.
Calm down. I'll give you another dollar.
That's not the point. This machine owes me a goddamn Twix bar.
Hey!
Agent Reed!
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Were you about to shoot that vending machine?
No, of course not.
That's good to hear.
Because that's something only a crazy person would do.
A crazy person without a job.
Absolutely.
Jason Flaherty, 29,
arrested following a car crash where your brother Kevin died, huh?
What am I doing here?
What does the FBI care about a stupid traffic accident?
Valmir Krasniqi and Sokol Pula,
lieutenants in the Zogu crime syndicate.
- Never heard of them. - Well, they've heard of you.
I got 20 different traffic cams telling me they were following you that day.
Maybe they wanted to borrow some Grey Poupon.
Let's cut him loose.
Yeah, yeah, we made a mistake.
- You sure about that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He doesn't know anything about the Albanians.
We'll just keep an eye on him
and when Zogu kills him for stealing his Wi-Fi or whatever he did,
maybe we'll get lucky with the forensics.
Fair enough.
I say we get his dental records 'cause Albanians always burn the body.
I'll have O'Connell take a mold.
Hold on, wait!
Okay! Okay!
I know Zogu.
Well, I know of him. I tried selling him some merchandise.
Doesn't it feel good to get that off your chest?
So, what'd you try to sell him?
Drugs? Guns? Plutonium?
No.
No, nothing like that. No.
I tried selling him some information.
He didn't meet my price, so I...
You what?
I tried selling to Victor Popov instead.
Oh, now I understand.
This guy's a genius.
We just want to know what you tried to sell Zogu.
Let's make a deal.
We can put you in witness protection.
Something funny?
That's what I tried selling him.
Witness protection database.
Give me a break.
Maybe.
If you want to know if I'm telling the truth, it's gonna cost you.
We ain't paying you shit.
I want full immunity.
We got to run that by the U.S. Attorney's Office...
You guys forget to pay the electric bill?
Whoa, what's going on?
Isn't it just a rolling blackout?
We're on a separate system from the city.
Team of hostiles breached the perimeter.
How many?
Ten, maybe 12.
Witness protection database?
What, you think this is about me?
Ah. Easy.
Stay with me or I will shoot you.
Let's go.
Right, come on.
Damn it.
- Go back! - This way! Come on!
Go!
Let's go! Let's go!
Take cover! Get out of there!
We got to get this guy out of the building!
- Let's go! - Let's go!
Watch out! Twelve o'clock!
Twelve o'clock!
Give me a hand.
- Seriously? - Come on!
You got to be kidding me.
Come on, push, push!
I'm pushing!
Damn!
That's a badass candy machine.
Whew.
We got 'em.
Karma.
Can I have an M&M's?
So, you just gonna keep the Twix and not give me any?
Oh. All right, all right. I'll remember that.
A fresh one, too? Thank you, man.
We have three unidentified Eastern Europeans in critical condition,
and those two Albanians you maimed with your death by chocolate.
We have them all in custody, but they know talking to us would be suicide.
- And Jason? - On transport
to federal detention center at SeaTac.
So, you believe that loser hacked his way into the witness protection database?
It's impossible.
First of all, it's a 128-bit cypher with parallel encryption...
The director of technology confirmed the database was breached last month.
- We're fried. - We're fried.
- They're after Katja. - Probably.
- Well, let's move her. - Already did that.
But it's not that simple.
This particular database not only had the witnesses' locations,
it had their new identifications, photos, social security numbers.
He'd find her no matter where we move her.
You catching what I'm pitching?
Well, let's get that list before Zogu does.
There's good news on that front.
As part of his plea deal,
Jason told us he only made one copy of the database
which is on a flash drive he gave to his brother for safekeeping.
He didn't upload it to the cloud?
He said he didn't, but we'll find out if he's lying.
We're executing search warrants at his brother's apartment and his school.
His school?
Kevin Flaherty was a kindergarten teacher at Hunts Bay Academy.
Wow. Impressive.
Impressive.
What's Hunts Bay?
It's only the most prestigious elementary private school in the city.
It's like $50,000 a year to go there.
$50,000.
For kindergarten?
Count it.
All right. You take the school. I'll take the apartment.
Let's do it.
Reed!
Get me that drive!
Yes, sir.
Sir...
- You heard! - All right, you right, you right.
Not again.
Mr. Zogu, Alex.
We've been working on a pretrial motion
for almost a year now, while...
We've been working on a pretrial motion for almost a year now,
while you've been out on bail
and the U.S. Attorney is finally making us an offer.
To be quite honest, it looks pretty fair.
Our advice to you is to take the deal.
No.
No prison time.
But the testimony from Katja is going to sink us.
If she testifies.
We didn't hear that.
Excuse me.
Talk to me.
Well, there's nothing unusual in the brother's apartment.
Well, I'm finishing up at the school.
There's nothing in the classroom as far as I can tell.
Well, maybe Jason was lying.
Maybe he uploaded the files and destroyed the physical copies.
We've got both brothers' computers, going through them now.
So that's it?
We're just gonna give up, hope for the best?
Hey, you got any better ideas, Einstein?
Yeah.
I want to talk to Jason again.
You already did.
Well, give me another shot at him.
Hmm?
Game on.
Damn.
Rule 101 . No talking while you tinkle.
I told you everything I know.
Kevin hid the drive somewhere.
He didn't tell me where.
That was kind of the whole point.
Think.
- Did he say anything else? - No.
What about in the car that night?
Did he say anything before he died?
He was babbling.
Not making sense.
Why should I help the FBI and all its shadow organizations out?
Face it, you guys are irrelevant at best
and unconstitutional at worst.
Look, a lot of people are going to get hurt
if Zogu finds that list before we do.
A lot of innocent people.
Did he say anything?
It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense.
He said, "The kids know."
"The kids know."
We got to question those kids.
So you want to bring a bunch of 6-year-olds into an interrogation room?
If that's what it takes.
Reed, I promise you, you probably aren't aware of this
since the only people you interact with are 19-year-old mattresses.
What's a mattress?
Model/actress.
Ah. That's fair.
Five-year-olds, 6-year-olds, they are totally useless for reliable information.
My son, Andy, thinks Frozen is real.
Look, I'm open to suggestions, but all our leads have gone cold,
and if these kids know something that can save those witnesses,
then let's put the mac and cheese on the stove
and get this playdate started.
Hi, Patience.
Can you tell me something about Mr. Flaherty?
Mr. Flaherty is dead.
He's decomposting in the ground.
Okay, Simon.
Do you remember anything interesting about Mr. Flaherty?
My sister has a bagina.
Thank you, Simon.
Next!
My dad lets me play video games whenever I want to when I'm at his house
and he's having a special time with his girlfriend
but mommy says video games rot the brain and daddy's girlfriend is a bad influence
because she dances on poles for a living.
Guys, can we get a kid in here whose stepmother is not on a pole?
Meeja is the name of our guinea pig.
Guinea pigs are rodents, Cavia porcellus.
I have two mommies and they tell me I shouldn't trust boys.
All right, fella.
Just tell me what you know about Mr. Flaherty.
When is Mr. Flaherty coming back?
Is your real name Cowboy?
Who names their kid Cowboy?
My daddy says that you can have his gun
when you take it from his cold dead hand.
Sophie, do you know anything about a flash drive?
I saw the flash drive.
You did?
Did you see where Mr. Flaherty put the flash drive?
In the emergency kit.
All right, Sophie, show me the flash drive.
There it is. There's the flash drive.
This is a flashlight.
That was a bust.
I got nothing.
No surprise there.
There's only one thing left to do.
Undercover reconnaissance.
The headmaster at Hunts Bay Academy
is not going to let the FBI in her rarified classrooms.
It's not going to happen, not in a million years.
That's why we have to go undercover without telling the headmaster.
But she already knows Sanders is FBI.
Not him. Me.
Excuse me?
You want me to authorize you to go undercover in an elementary school?
With actual children.
That are currently alive?
You got jokes.
You got any better ideas?
Well,
your credentials are impeccable.
Thanks.
I just really love kids. They're like, um, little people.
Teacher of the Year from Everett Academy, Big Brothers.
A letter of recommendation from the mayor?
I taught his daughter Krav Maga.
Oh.
Well, Mr. Reed, I'll be honest, you're a dream come true.
But tell me, why do you want to leave your current position?
Well, I'm moving back to Seattle
to take care of my sick grandmother.
Yeah, the caregivers are there during the day,
but, you know, nothing's better than family.
So true.
- It takes a village. - Mmm.
Well, I'm sure you're aware
of the circumstances surrounding Mr. Flaherty's departure?
Yeah, it was tragic.
Well, it will be a particularly difficult transition for the children.
Now, we have our own school psychologist obviously,
but still, we'll be needing someone with a sensitive approach.
Well, you'll notice there I have...
Sorry to interrupt, but I have a situation that can't really wait.
Brooklyn is out of her meds again,
and her dads are still in San Juan Island at their spirit retreat,
i.e., no cell phones or clothing according to Brooklyn, but...
Mr. Reed, Miss Halstrom, she's our other kindergarten teacher.
- Hi. - Did you call her au pair?
Yes, I tried her and she's at spin class.
Au pairs, right?
Perky butts, years to waste.
Well, all we can do is a focused meditation,
and see if you can borrow the therapy pig from 2Y.
Right, the pig. Okay.
I will give it a shot.
- It was nice to meet you. - Same.
Um...
Therapy pig?
Yes. She works wonders with the children.
Her name is Buttercup.
She's a lovely swine.
Mr. Reed,
when can you start?
I'm not wearing a surveillance kit.
What is wrong with you, Reed?
All you gotta do is just wear the earpiece.
It's just there so I can help you if you get into trouble.
I can handle this.
You can't handle goldfish.
I have five kids.
My home is in a constant state of pandemonium and tribal warfare.
Anarchy.
Listen to me.
You going to a classroom with a dozen kids.
Dude, you're gonna get murdered.
Ooh, I'm scared.
They're children.
I can handle this.
You can't handle this, man.
You walk around with patches on your jacket.
Who does that?
Look at that.
You're a mess, man.
You sure you don't want the earpiece?
Can I go now?
You can't even help white people.
You try to help, you give from the heart.
That's okay. Enjoy your day.
Good morning, students.
Just a couple of quick announcements before we begin our joyous day.
First, 3-X reports that the compost pile has been rededicated
and they will now be accepting all bio-degradable foodstuffs.
That's a relief.
Second, this year, we're renaming our Holiday Festival "The Festival"
in recognition of the agnostic members of our community.
And last but not least,
the winner of the "name our intramural gender-neutral wrestling team"
is Quinn Stevens.
The Magic Markers.
Have a great day and be the change.
Good morning, friends.
Today is such a special day.
Children, this is Mr. Reed.
Good morning, Mr. Reed.
Morning, kids.
Wow, they're so well-behaved.
Well, we strive to create an environment of learning
that fosters emotional safety and respect for boundaries.
I'll leave you to it.
Uh, lesson plan is on the desk.
If you have any questions, just ask.
Now, children, remember, Mr. Reed is a citizen of Earth just like you.
Be kind to each other.
Good luck.
Well...
Listen, children.
Good news.
Today is technology day at Hunts Bay.
We're gonna learn about computers.
Who knows what this is?
Yeah, you. Bumblebee dress.
It's a flash drive.
My dad says the government is taking away our rights.
Okay, good.
Now, did Mr. Flaherty ever show you one of these before?
- Yes. - Our guinea pig's name is Meeja.
Oh.
Okay.
Good to know.
But we're talking about flash drives.
We wanted to name her Shahbo Beebo but Mr. Flaherty already said her name was Meeja
and if we called her a different name, she'll get confused
and sometimes she like makes very big poop.
Do you want to hear the poem we wrote about Meeja?
Not really. No.
- The guinea pig Meeja... - Is a rodent and...
Meeja is her name.
Super. Great.
Every guinea pig loves...
- Carrots... - And...
People love guinea pigs.
Awesome, guys.
Great job. Love it.
Now, let's focus and talk about Mr. Flaherty and flash drives.
But it's story time.
No, actually, it's technology day, so that will make it flash drive time.
No, it's story time.
Says who?
"Rainbow Bird gave his shiny silver feather
"to the crow who only had black feathers.
"He gave his radiant red feather
"to the seagull who only had white feathers.
"But when the Rainbow Bird gave away his last feather,
"he realized he wasn't special anymore.
"All his wonderful feathers
"that were as colorful as a rainbow were now gone.
"But the Rainbow Bird wasn't sad.
"He didn't have his beautiful feathers anymore,
"but sharing his gifts with the other birds
"was even better."
Come on! Seriously?
Kids, this book is full of liberal BS.
Do not listen to this book.
Let me tell you, sharing is overrated.
If you have something special, you don't need to share it or hide it
or feel sorry for the other losers that aren't as talented as you are.
Never apologize for abilities that makes you better than other people.
I thought this was a good teacher.
My dad is gonna teach me how to shoot his gun.
Good.
Maybe you should wait a couple years, but, yeah, better safe than sorry.
Taser.
Hey.
Can I help you?
Oh, hey, there, yeah. They...
They told me I could find a flash drive in here.
Oh, hey, you must be the new guy.
- Zack Reed. - Hey, Hal Pasquale.
I teach computers and technology.
- Okay. Well, I better... - So, are you married?
Uh, no.
Ah. Same.
But I'll tell you, some of the teachers here are fine.
Oh, God, it's just so cool to have another dude working here.
I really feel like my cycle's starting to sync,
if you know what I mean.
Uh, not really...
Yeah, you and I, we should hang out sometime.
I know a lot of clubs around here.
It's like shooting fish off a fence.
Yeah, sounds awesome.
- We should do that. - Great. So when's good for you?
Well, I gotta check my schedule.
Oh, yeah, I hear you. I got a...
I got a lot of stuff going on, too.
You just enter your number there and I'll give you a text sometime.
Yeah.
Great.
Whoo!
All right, I'll check you later.
All right. Hey, hey, hey. Pound it out.
There you go.
Hey, I'll text you later.
Maybe after school we can go for a brewski.
Okay, get your lunchboxes, guys.
Can you heat up my tofu?
Really?
Wow.
Okay. Come on.
You can't microwave the plastic.
Why not?
'Cause the plastic leeches into the food.
My moms only use BPA-free plastic,
but still, you're not supposed to microwave the plastic.
Okay, whatever.
All right.
I'm gluten-free.
Congratulations.
Gluten makes you fat.
Well, I do 90 minutes of cardio and weight training every morning,
so I think I'm good.
Gluten can also cause Alzheimer's, so you'll probably die.
I'll take my chances.
Mr. Reed, can you open my lunch?
Okay, sure.
Really?
Doesn't anybody eat turkey sandwiches anymore?
It's Meatless Monday.
Oh. Good.
Lucky I brought a PB and J.
What's a PB and J?
Peanut butter and jelly.
Peanuts?
- Peanuts? - Peanuts?
Hey, what's going on?
Hey! Come on, kids.
You're not gonna die. What's going on?
You're not gonna die!
Hey, no! Stop!
What is your malfunction, kid?
What is going on in here?
I don't know!
They just started freaking out.
Is that peanut butter on your face?
Yeah. So?
- Put Cowboy down immediately. - Ow!
All right.
This is a peanut-free zone.
Seriously?
That means no peanuts, no tree nuts, and no legumes.
Cowboy is highly, highly allergic.
Cowboy, honey, let's go to the nurse's office
in case you need a shot with an EpiPen.
I don't want to die.
You're gonna be fine.
Ooh.
You were supposed to bring him to me.
We tried.
But he got away.
I want that drive.
But he's in federal custody now.
"Federal custody now."
Okay.
I guess that's it.
Put it on the grill.
All right, everybody, snack time.
I brought a special treat for you guys 'cause today's my first day.
And, Cowboy, look, no peanuts. I checked.
Who wants some chocolate chunk cookies?
Do they have 78% cacao?
No. This is real chocolate. Milk chocolate.
With processed white sugar?
Who cares? It's chocolate.
Okay, guys, you're in for an awesome surprise. Come on.
Well, good to eat some real chocolate once in a while, huh?
You guys earned it.
Anyway...
So, I just wanted to talk to you about your old teacher, Mr. Flaherty.
Did he ever play any hiding games with you?
Okay, everybody gather around!
Hey! I am not...
Put that away!
Stop! Put that thing down!
Settle down!
Settle down! Hey!
Back off, guys!
Step up, front and center!
Settle down, kids.
Quiet!
Hey, you!
Don't touch the paint!
Come on, guys!
Hey, stop it!
Mr. Reed, I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah? Well, good for you. Yeah, go ahead.
I have to go really bad.
Okay, so go! So go.
I want you to take me.
I'm not taking you, kid.
Hi.
- She peed on me. - Oh. Oh, God, okay.
Sophie, I'll get you cleaned up, sweetie.
Hey, guys, just keep coloring, okay?
It's okay.
Okay.
Shh. Okay, go sit down.
Come sit down, guys.
Okay. I want everyone to close their eyes.
It's meditation time, remember?
Good job.
So take a deep breath in,
deep breath out.
Good job.
Keep breathing, guys. Breathe in.
Close your eyes.
Deep breath out.
Good job, guys. Keep breathing.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
You're a lifesaver.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Things can spiral out of control very quickly in kindergarten.
- They're little monsters. - Yeah.
Mr. Reed gave us chocolate.
Fake chocolate with zero percent cacao.
He's crazy.
She's funny.
I would never do that.
Hey, focus on your breathing.
Okay. It was nice to meet you.
Hey, listen...
How well did you know Kevin?
Oh, man, that's so sad.
We were pretty close. I mean, we taught kindergarten together.
- It's pretty tough. - Yeah.
Yeah, it's...
This school isn't what I expected.
Oh, tell me about it.
Miss Sinclaire? Completely bonkers.
And the rest of the teachers are not much better, unfortunately.
Oh, my God, and don't get me started on these little brats.
Sometimes I just want to...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sorry.
Being serene all the time is surprisingly stressful.
So, um...
So, Kevin.
Did he leave anything behind that could be useful?
I mean, to help me get to know the kids.
Oh, you mean like a secret diary or like a burn book, right?
- Yeah? No, no. - Mmm.
Ah!
- Those don't exist. - Okay.
So, I'm just gonna have to rely on you then.
I guess you will.
I gotta get back to class.
Oh!
How was your first day?
Great.
- Better than great. - Uh-huh.
I told you, Reed, those kids wore you out.
- So, did you find the drive? - Not yet.
How about you? Any clues in his computer?
Nope. What's up with that finger paint?
Those kids are insane.
So you're ready to wear the wire?
No.
I underestimated my enemy...
But that's not going to happen again.
- They can smell fear. - They're six.
It doesn't matter. This is a military campaign.
You think I survived a bullet from Tony Scarpetti
to let a bunch of toddlers get the best of me?
It's okay to admit you need help, buddy.
I'm your partner, remember?
Appreciated, but totally unnecessary.
I'm just gonna step up my game and command their respect.
Damn it, Reed, why do you always have to do that?
Why can't I be a part of the team?
I'm the only one here in the trenches with kids.
I would think you'd want the benefit of that experience.
You know, our job needs detachment.
Relationships are liabilities your enemies can exploit.
That's your choice. Not mine.
Well, no offense, but you're not exactly on the short list for director.
You know, just because you say no offense,
don't mean you say something offensive.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry. - You're on your own.
Sorry, but I know what I'm doing and I don't need...
I don't want to hear it.
Your help.
Hi.
Good morning, Agent Reed.
I really like your car.
Don't you guys have something better to do?
No.
See, we need that list,
and the girl cannot be allowed to testify against Mr. Zogu.
No one can testify against Zogu.
So, tell us where the girl is, right here, right now.
Or I'm going to shoot you, right here, right now.
Really?
Catch you later.
All right, children. Listen up!
We are going to proceed in an orderly fashion today.
No more goofing off.
No more peeing on my shoes, no more dumping paint on your head.
We are getting serious.
Do you understand?
What is wrong with you?
I was just trying to connect with them.
With an air raid siren?
Well, in hindsight, it seems like a bad idea.
Look, we expect the faculty to provide
an emotionally safe environment based on mutual respect and trust.
Yeah, I understand.
You're on thin ice, bucko.
I've employed the three-strike rule here at Hunts Bay.
That's strike one.
Two more, and I don't care if you have a letter of recommendation
from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
I will fire you.
- Understood. Understood. - Okay.
I'm angry at the action, not the man.
Thank you.
Sorry.
So, you know, I was thinking. Maybe I could use that earpiece.
I mean, we are partners.
And there's no sense in keeping you out of the loop.
No, I'm cool. I've got a lot of work to do here.
Look, I'm sorry for what I said.
I was out of line.
So you're asking for my help?
Yes.
So ask me.
Nicely.
Will you help me?
Come on, Reed, you can do better than that, man.
Come on now, put some butter on it.
Make me feel like you love me man, come on.
Can't hear you.
Will you help me?
Please?
Sure, no problem. See? Was that so hard?
Well, I'm ready.
Hacked into the school's surveillance cameras, check.
Agent Reed's pin-hole camera, check.
Up and operational. I'm so freaking good.
I spilled the glue.
Oh, that's Tripp McNally, six years old.
Parents are divorced. Dad is addicted to porn.
- Mine. - Hey, hold on, we don't grab.
- I think you need a time-out. - What's a time-out?
- Time-outs are so '90s, man. - We don't have time-outs?
We encourage our kids to share their feelings.
And there are no wrong feelings.
It's how we deal with them that matters.
Hannah, how do you feel when Sophie grabs from you?
I feel angry.
Four and four is eight.
Jett Patterson, six, mom is a corporate lawyer, dad is a federal judge.
Well, good for you, Jett. You're really smart.
No.
- We don't say "smart." - We don't say "smart"?
Studies have shown that praising our kids' inherent abilities
hinders their development.
They become afraid to take risks.
We praise their effort, like, "I can see how hard you worked on that."
Wow, Jett, I can see how hard you worked on that.
Okay, look at her face.
She needs to process the emotion with her visual cortex.
Sophie, look at her face, how does she feel?
I like it, but you spelled cat wrong.
Inventive spelling is encouraged.
The most important thing is for the kids to sound out the words.
We don't worry about correcting their spelling until second grade.
- This is retarded. - Oh, you don't say retarded.
All right, everybody, let's sit down Indian-style.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, we don't say Indian-style.
What's wrong with "Indian-style"?
"Indian-style" is dead.
It's "criss-cross applesauce."
All right, everybody, uh, let's sit down criss-cross applesauce.
Hey.
What happened, guys?
We lost in capture the flag.
Well, it's okay, you'll get 'em next time.
No, we always lose, we're terrible.
The K-Y kids are bigger.
Well, bigger isn't everything.
Say...
You guys ever hear the story of the Trojan horse?
What's a toe jam horse?
Trojan.
It was a really, really famous trick
used by the Greeks to defeat the Trojans.
You guys want me to show you? Come on, let's go.
The City of Troy was heavily fortified.
The Greeks had no way of getting inside.
Uh, please be careful with my soldiers.
They're collectors' items.
The Greeks were led by their best warrior, Odysseus,
but they were still vastly outnumbered.
So what could they do?
I would like use a laser beam and blast the wall to smithereens.
That's a good idea, Tripp, but see, the Greeks didn't have any laser beams.
Or guns.
What they did have was superior guile and deceit.
Has anyone ever played a trick on their brother or sister before?
- Me. - Yes.
Yeah, sure I have. Yeah.
So, what they did, they built a big wooden horse...
Oh, uh...
They built a big wooden horse
and placed it outside the walls to the city.
It seemed like a magnificent present.
So, the Trojans opened the gates,
and they pulled the giant horse inside.
- Guess what happened next. - What?
Inside the horse were Greek soldiers, hiding.
In the middle of the night, they came out,
defeated the Trojans, to win the war.
Greeks, Greeks, Greeks!
Ooh.
Is that the other kindergarten teacher?
Ooh-la-la.
I want you to be my eyes and ears in this school.
Help me find Mr. Flaherty's missing flash drive,
and I'll be very, very happy.
- Come on, guys. - Bye.
- Mr. Reed? - Yes, Tripp?
Ms. Halstrom has flash drives if you need one.
- She does? - Sure.
Mr. Flaherty would always run into her classroom if he needed one.
Thank you, Tripp. That was very helpful.
You should go back to the kids.
- That could mean anything. - That's worth a look.
Hello.
These are very beautiful flowers.
Thank you.
Oh.
What do you call this flower?
- Sunflower. - Sunflower.
- Uh-huh. - It's beautiful.
My name is Agent Zack Reed.
FBI.
Could I speak with you a moment?
You don't sound like FBI.
International FBI, it's new division.
Oh, no, not the pig.
Pig, get lost.
Lose the pig.
Hey, pig, stop following me.
Look in those drawers, it could be hidden right in plain sight.
Look in the desk.
Ah. Great.
Hey, come on, pig. I'm telling you, I don't need therapy.
Are you sure about that, buddy?
Could you tell me anything more about Jason?
Oh, I can tell you he was always getting into trouble.
His brother, different story.
- His brother? - Yeah.
Kevin.
- He died in a car accident. - I'm sorry.
But let me tell you, he was smart.
He was so smart.
He knew everything about computers.
I thought Jason was computer expert in the family?
Oh, no, no, no.
Jason has always been a little con man.
Always looking for the angles.
Kevin, he was the genius.
I see.
I'm sure you were very proud of him.
- Have a good day. - Thank you.
Oh.
Did Kevin have any friends?
Any co-workers?
Hey, get out of here already.
Excuse me?
Oh, crap.
- Oh. - This is my office.
Oh, hey, hey. There you are.
Keep the drawer shut, Reed.
- What are you doing in here? - Yeah, I was...
- I was looking for you. - Oh. I was in the teachers' lounge.
What did you want?
I...
Excuse me?
What were you looking for me for?
Yeah, I wanted to, um...
Go ahead, Reed, ask her out.
Ask her out, I know you're gonna do it, ask her out.
- I wanted to ask you out. - I knew it.
Like on a date?
Uh-huh.
Oh.
Okay.
When?
- When what? - When would you like to take me out?
Well, what about tonight?
- That's very quick. - Okay, or some other time.
No, no, no.
I know I should probably say that I already have plans tonight
but to be honest, I haven't had plans outside of this place in months.
I shouldn't have said that. Um, yes, tonight works great.
Another one bites the dust.
- Okay. Yeah. - Okay, cool.
- My office. - Oh, yeah, right.
- Call you later? - Okay.
What do women see in you? Is it the muscles?
Hey, hey, you.
Uh...
- Talking to Olivia? - Uh, what?
- Yeah. - Okay, right.
So that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Uh...
Just a heads-up, but, uh...
I called dibs on her.
You did what now?
I called dibs, you know, I asked her out first.
I mean, she said she's not dating right now
but when she started to date again,
I, me, would be the first to know.
Ergo, dibs.
Dude, you dreaming.
Okay.
Just so you know. Man to man.
I don't want there to be any misunderstandings.
I'm taking her out tonight.
All right. I'm sorry, on a...
- Date? - Yeah.
But I called dibs.
That's impossible.
You're on the geek squad, it's never gonna work.
Yeah. I didn't know. I'm sorry, buddy. I hope we can still be friends.
That's got to hurt. I could tell that hurt, that hurt.
Hey. Go help that guy. He needs therapy.
- Dad, slow down, you're hurting my arm. - Molly, stop it.
- Molly, I don't have time for this, okay? - Excuse me for a moment.
We got to get home, stop doing that, okay?
Hi. Hi, I'm Mr. Reed.
- We got to get going. - Need some help, Molly, you okay?
Hey, we're fine.
What're you up to, Agent Reed?
Let's go, come on, flash drives.
Hey, Reed, what was going on with that one dad after school?
Sam Edwards?
The surveillance program was still running.
Yeah, he was drunk and I don't like the way he manhandled his daughter.
Molly's been acting weird.
- See what you can find out about him. - You got it, buddy. Um...
- Now we can talk about the real issue. - The drive?
No, it's the date.
You know you can't sleep with her, right?
Look, the kid said that Kevin used to go into her room
every time he needed a new drive.
And that super useful information just wasted 40 minutes of my life.
Her classroom is next door.
Even if the kid's intel is bogus, she still may know where he hid the drive.
I'm just checking up a lead.
Oh, so this is purely professional?
Of course.
When was the last time you went out on a date?
- I date all the time. - No, a date.
Dinner, romantic lighting, talking.
Ooh.
I got to do all that?
Yeah, dates are for getting to know someone.
I'm messing with you, man.
I've got a great wholesome evening lined up for us.
'Cause that's how Zack Reed, kindergarten teacher, rolls.
- Catch you. - Did you just...
Hey, keep your shark in the tank.
Don't sleep with her.
Oh, man.
It is absolutely amazing out here, Zack.
How do you afford this location though?
My dad left it to me.
I got to say, I was kind of surprised that you asked me to have dinner.
Most guys that I date now, they just want to meet for drinks and have sex.
Great.
Now you tell me, after I went through all this trouble?
Call me old-fashioned, but...
I think dates are for getting to know someone.
- Yeah, I agree. I just, I didn't think... - What?
You don't exactly seem like the type of guy who gets to know women.
Your muscles, they scream one-night stand, I'm sorry.
What?
I am incredibly monogamous.
Are you?
Oh, wow.
You are old school.
I like vinyl.
No, look, I would never just meet a woman
for drinks, hook up and never call her again.
Okay, my mistake.
Well, look, I just got out of a serious relationship about a year ago
and I've been casually dating a few women here and there since then.
But I'm here with you now and I really do want to get to know you.
Okay.
What do you want to know?
I actually went to law school.
- I wanted to be a prosecutor. - Wow.
Then I realized that classrooms and me didn't mix.
I left after my first year.
I was a bit...
Lost for a while.
I still wanted to do something, something that mattered.
I just didn't know what.
And now here you are, back in the classroom.
Those who can't do, teach, right?
But kindergarten?
It's so rare to find a man who is interested in children that age.
Well, make a better impression if you get them early.
Yeah.
But it kind of makes it harder too.
I mean, you only get them for the one year,
and you make that personal connection with them,
like they're your own kids, kinda.
And then they leave you for first grade
and forget all about you.
- Brats. - Right?
No, but you get to see them still, at the school
and it's so cool to watch them grow up.
I like the trailer.
Ah.
I like the car.
I like the girl.
Eh...
Too skinny for me.
Looks like she doesn't cook.
So how well did you know Kevin?
Kevin?
Uh...
Pretty well, I mean, he was right next door for three years...
Did he ever act weird, like before he died?
- What do you mean? - Did he ever ask you to keep stuff for him?
Zack, what are you talking about?
I don't know, like a backpack or a flash drive, or...
Unmarked packages?
Okay, this is getting officially really weird.
Why are you so interested in Kevin all the time?
You know, if I know Kevin better, I could know the kids.
Okay...
Kevin was really sweet.
We were friends.
And he never gave me any unmarked packages
or secret brown envelopes.
And he died in a tragic car accident, and not in some spy movie.
Yeah, yeah, right, totally.
Twix?
You have got to be kidding, we just had a huge dessert, Zack.
I know, it's kind of weird. It's sort of my thing.
And my one vice.
How do you stay in such good shape if you eat so much sugar?
You think I'm in good shape, huh?
Maybe.
You want me to show you how I stay in shape?
- No. - Come on, come on.
Whoa!
- I'll go get us some drinks. - Okay.
That guy, the old one.
Cheers.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
I just met the nicest guy, and his son happens to go to Hunts Bay Academy.
- What a small world. - You told him where you worked?
Alexander.
- Zack. - Zack, nice to meet you.
- We'd better go. - No, he ordered us shots.
- Olivia, let's go. - Please, this is insulting my...
Country.
Let's go, come on.
Very nice meeting you.
What the hell, Zack?
I don't like being dragged around like a cavewoman.
That was Alexander Zogu.
He's the head of the Albanian crime syndicate.
He kills people for a living.
Wait, and you know him?
No, I don't know him.
I've seen his pictures in the papers.
Oh.
So, you were, like, protecting me?
I just didn't like the way he touched you.
Huh.
Well, A, I can take care of myself, thank you very much.
B...
It's kind of hot that you did it anyways.
Olivia, listen, I really like you
and I am really going to regret saying this,
but can we continue this some other time?
Yeah.
Take you home?
Yep.
We are running out of time.
- Sanders? - Yes, sir?
I want you to head the surveillance team on Zogu.
I want to know where he is, I want to know what he eats for lunch,
I want to know what size of a crap he takes,
everything, until we get him into that courtroom.
Yes, sir.
If Zogu knows about Olivia
he's certainly made the connection to Kevin.
But that doesn't mean he knows about the kids' involvement.
How close are you to making a breakthrough?
Well, it's sort of hard to tell, sir.
Well, they're definitely warming up to me.
Warm is not good enough!
Time is running out! You need to up your game.
Yes, sir.
- Can we get out of here, sir? - Dismissed, out!
Okay.
Hey, Reed!
Did you sleep with that hot teacher?
I feel bad about it, but you know, you gotta do something, well, here he is.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes, come in.
Mr. Reed, do you know what this is?
Yeah, that's a M26C taser with 50,000 volts.
So you admit that it is yours?
What are you talking about? That's Hal's taser.
I don't need a taser to defend myself.
Okay, he's lying.
I found it in his briefcase. It's his taser.
You need to fire him.
He broke the rules.
- This place is an insane asylum. - Ah...
Hal, I don't know where you found this...
...but you have to get it out of here, now.
This is a place of peace, not war.
- Oh, my nuts! - Oh, I shot his nuts.
Oh, God.
Please make it stop.
- I don't know how. - Give it to me.
- Whoops! - What do you mean, "Whoops"?
Breathe into the pain.
Oh...
- It's a relief. - Baby Jesus.
Ugh. I'll get the baby wipes.
Hal, did you shit yourself?
Mr. Zogu, I got you, buddy.
Okay.
Three girls for breakfast, really?
Such a clich?.
I've got five kids, 18 Costco cards...
Where is the justice in this world?
Follow.
Yeah, come over here, guys.
Okay, game day. You ready to get your butt kicked?
Well, look, I better warn you, I taught my kids some battlefield tactics.
Oh, really? Care to put a wager on the game then, soldier?
Well, let's see, I like that competitive attitude.
All right,
um, loser pays for dinner.
You got yourself a deal.
Hide the fake flag, Sophie.
- All right! - Hey, guys, back over there.
Go guard the flag.
Always protect the flag, guys. Remember.
Go get the flag. Go get the flag.
Faster, like we practiced.
- Wow, really? Okay. Kids, flank left. - Flank left?
- Come on, guys. Cream 'em! - Shock and awe.
Smash them, guys.
- Smash them? - Well, come on!
Okay, smash them back!
There it is, get the flag.
That's one.
Sophie, take out your fake flag.
- Hey, guys, I got the flag. - Hey, look, she got the flag.
She got it.
Hey, everybody, I got the flag. I got the flag.
- All right. - Oh, come on, that's cheating.
- We got the flag. - Trojan horse.
- Superior strategy always wins the day. - Unbelievable.
Superior numbers is no match for superior strategy!
What you got, Sanders?
Hey, I have that file that you asked for on Molly's dad.
Laid off from the Times. Worked in ad sales.
- You got any medical records? - No history of alcoholism,
but credit card records and surveillance cams
suggest that he's been drinking during the day.
How did you get the credit cards?
Come on, man, don't worry about it.
Get it done, Reed.
Hey, Mr. Edwards, hold up.
So, I heard you got laid off from your job at the Times.
- How did you hear that? - I asked around.
Look...
I know what you're going through.
- No, you don't know anything. - Yeah, I do.
When I was in school...
My dad got sick.
And when he died, it hit me hard and I dropped out,
I didn't think things would get any better.
But then one day I woke up, and I just felt I had a lot more to give.
I got a job and I turned things around.
Well, I've looked for a job, okay?
Nobody wants to hire a middle-aged salesman.
I know some people. Let me ask around for you.
Would you do that for me?
I'd do that for Molly.
All I ask is, don't take it out on your family.
Molly loves you and she needs you to step up and be her dad.
Hey.
So that's why you dropped out of law school?
Come on.
Up next, we have a personal training session with the eligible bachelor,
and our own kindergarten teacher, Mr. Reed.
Now, remember, no discrimination here,
men, women, and inter-gender feel free to bid.
- Excuse me? - Let's start the bidding at $100.
- One hundred. - One hundred dollars.
- Two hundred. - Two hundred dollars.
- Two fifty. - Two fifty.
- Three hundred. - Game on.
Three hundred, do I hear 350?
- I've got four. - Four fifty.
- Five! 500. - Do I hear six?
- I got six, honey. - Well, I got seven, honey.
- Seven hundred. - All right, 725.
Seven twenty-five in the green dress.
- Seven fifty. - Seven fifty.
- Eight hundred, I've got 800. - Eight hundred.
Eight fifty.
I've got nine big ones, and an achievable weight loss goal.
- Good, that's really good. - Can you count 950?
Two thousand dollars.
- Sold to the lovely lady in the cream dress. - Bitch.
Come on.
Guys, Zogu is on the move, surveillance is in place,
I'm right behind him.
I want to talk to you about Mr. Flaherty.
When is he coming back?
He's dead, he's never coming back. Worms are eating him.
That's not true.
Look at his face.
I'm sorry, what can I do for you?
Okay. Good.
Well, look, it's true that Mr. Flaherty isn't coming back,
but that doesn't mean we can't remember him.
Do you want to hear the poem Mr. Flaherty taught us about Meeja the guinea pig?
Hey, that's a great idea, sure.
- The guinea pig Meeja... - Is a rodent and...
Meeja is her name.
- Every guinea pig loves... - Carrots...
- And... - People love guinea pigs.
Nice job, guys.
Agent Sanders! Agent Sanders, open up!
- Hey, calm down. Calm down. - We've got a situation!
- Calm down. - Open up!
What's going on?
Okay, let's get on the bus, guys.
All right.
Cowboy.
- Come on. Okay. Good, good. - Get on the bus, guys.
- Come on, tough guy. - Right to the back.
In the back.
Take good care of them, okay?
Yeah, it's just the Sculpture Garden.
I'm sure we'll be okay.
All right.
Have fun, kids. See ya.
Bye, Mr. Reed!
We lost Zogu.
- What? When? - It doesn't matter.
He stole the surveillance van. He's got everything.
It's only a matter of time before he figures out
the kids are the key to finding the drive and heads to the school.
Understood. The kids are safe, on the way to a field trip.
I'm going back in.
I'm in an Uber, I'm five minutes out.
- Uber? Why didn't you call for backup? - I did.
They're on their way. But Uber came faster.
I'll meet you in the classroom.
Miss Sinclaire, can I speak to you?
Yes.
Be right back.
You need to lock down the school.
Excuse me?
I'm Zack Reed with the FBI.
- What? - I don't have time for this.
Lock down the school now.
Mr. Reed, this is a complete betrayal of the circle of trust.
How dare you bring this toxic... This is strike two!
You can chew me out later.
Right now, you need to do what I say and lock down the school.
The kids are in danger.
I'm locking it down.
If you look down here, you might see some of those tadpoles.
Come on, guys.
Go check out the park.
Come on.
There's a goat.
...soon as they can.
Don't worry, the adults are handling everything.
Just leave.
No sign of Zogu.
Good. What's she doing here?
- Wait, wait. Stand back. - All right.
Hey, what are you doing here?
We're supposed to evacuate the school.
Yeah, I know. I just came back for Meeja.
- Who's Meeja? - That's the class pet.
I'm not supposed to leave her during an evacuation.
- Listen, Olivia. It's not safe. You need to go. - Yeah.
Wait a second. I heard that name before.
Meeja.
Hey, that's what Kevin called Jason.
It was his nickname.
Did you know Kevin, too?
How's Meeja short for Jason?
When Jason was a baby, he would call himself "Me Jase"
which would come out "Meeja."
Kevin was his older brother.
He called Jason "Meeja" his whole life.
It can't be a coincidence.
Wait, hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry.
- Who are you? - One minute. Just give us a minute.
It can't be a coincidence.
You think he hid the drive in the guinea pig's cage?
Man, that's too easy. Kevin was smart.
He was a hacker. Into puzzles. Math games.
He even competed in one of those crossword puzzle competitions.
Wait a second...
"The guinea pig Meeja is a rodent
"and Meeja is her name."
Huh.
- It's an acrostic poem. - What?
It's a poem where the first letter of each line
forms another word.
He must've had the kids memorize it.
You're a genius, bro.
- Hey, recite it for me. - All right.
Hold on, let's see.
Okay. Uh...
The guinea pig Meeja
is a rodent
and Meeja is her name.
Every guinea pig loves carrots.
Time...
And people love...
"Time capsule"!
What's "time capsule"?
Time capsule?
It's the kids. They're at the Sculpture Garden
to bury this time capsule they made with their tech teacher.
Bravo!
You see?
I had faith in you.
Hand over your weapons, now.
Zack, what is going on?
Just take it easy. No one needs to get hurt.
I'm with the FBI.
- Wait. What? - I'll explain later.
Just do what they say.
That is very good advice.
Now, it looks like we're going on a field trip
to the Sculpture Gardens.
Get the girl.
Just take me instead. You don't need her.
Hey!
No stabbing.
Agent Reed.
It is very sloppy work for you to get romantically involved
on assignment.
But then again, this is your MO,
now, isn't it?
Move.
Go.
No stabbing.
Boss, what about this one?
Kill him.
Of course. Kill the black guy.
I'm sorry.
You lied to me.
I know, and I'm sorry.
So everything that we are, it's all just an act to you?
No, I wasn't acting.
I didn't lie about my feelings for you.
You're a loser, you know that?
You sure you wanna do this?
Look, genius.
Killing a federal agent, you're looking at the death penalty.
Only if I get caught.
Oh, the FBI will never stop looking for you.
We like child support. You're going to pay.
- How's your head, by the way? - Whatever.
Time to die, funny man!
Hands are not for hitting!
That's what baseball bats are for.
Thank you, lady.
What a rush.
So, we can never actually really know
what life in the 22nd century will be like.
So we put things in here, and we're gonna bury it, so that...
Uh, okay, you kids just stay here.
You can look through the time capsule.
Nobody move, all right? Just stay here, I'll be right back.
- Something's wrong. - No.
Zack, Olivia?
What are you doing here?
Listen carefully.
I'm with the FBI.
This man has a gun, you need to do exactly what he says.
Uh...
Okay. Is this about the flame war on the Game of Thrones message board?
Because I was totally joking.
I don't even own a broadsword.
Hal, this is not about you.
Just calm down and do exactly what he says.
Get rid of the children.
- Do it. - Okay.
Okay.
Children, children.
I need you to just go and play in the rock garden for a minute, okay?
And I'll join you really soon, okay?
Just go over there.
If you get hungry, there's snacks on the bus.
There's kale chips and carrot juice. Yummy.
Cowboy, go with the others.
Be brave like Odysseus.
You know, I think it's probably a good idea
if someone goes and supervises the children?
Because they're only six...
- No. No. Not possible, fat man. - Okay.
You may call the police. Hmm?
Now, if you could be so kind
and give me that time capsule.
Uh...
You want the children's time capsule?
Just give it to him, Hal.
Well, I...
Okay, all right.
Test it.
It's the database.
Move.
Okay, stop. Everyone.
Right here.
This is perfect.
Now you can sleep with the fishes.
Hold on.
Uh-uh.
Last meal.
Twix?
Okay.
Is good candy bar.
Americans.
You won't get away with this, Zogu.
Oh, I think I will.
When a man of superior force overwhelms a weaker enemy,
there is no hope.
There's always hope.
Okay. Time to die.
Attack!
Get him, Hal!
Stay with Miss Olivia!
Oh, my God, did you see that?
I can see you're really upset, Zogu.
But we can work this out if we just talk about our feelings.
You have spent way too much time in kindergarten!
Oh, boy.
Class dismissed.
Are you serious?
That's the best thing you could think of?
It sounded a lot cooler in my head.
Get out of there, man.
You all right?
You know, I've arrested a lot of people in my career,
and I gotta say, you're my favorite.
I am so delighted to lock your ass up.
And out of curiosity,
did your parents name you after an ointment or a rash?
Get in the car.
Take him to the house.
Okay. Here you go.
Daddy!
Hey! Agent Reed?
Where is my flash drive?
You're looking for this?
Who's this?
This is Hal.
Hal!
Who the hell is Hal?
Uh, hi. I teach computer lab.
School's out, Agent Reed!
Back to work!
Yes, sir.
Man.
See what I gotta deal with?
- Yeah. - Worse than kids.
Yeah.
Hey, do I get a reward or something?
Get in the car.
Seriously, did you see that elbow drop?
- Get in the car. - Solid!
Agent Reed.
Ahem.
Ooh-la-la.
Mr. Reed,
that's strike three.
Come here!