I'm gonna say our mantra, "This is the voice I want to use"...
...over and over again, but with different inflections.
And I want you to try and mimic what I'm doing.
This is the voice I want to use. This is the voice I want to use.
Now, I'm gonna press down on our tongue and watch...
...what's happening in the back of our mouths. Ready?
- Any suicidal tendencies? - No.
Have you ever felt as though you were being followed?
No.
- Any history of family mental illness? - No.
Medical procedures to date?
The usual electrolysis, 3 years of hormone therapy...
...facial feminization surgery, a brow lift, forehead reduction...
...jaw re-contouring, and a tracheal shave.
You look very authentic.
I try to blend in, keep a low profile.
I believe the slang terminology is "living stealth".
- Do you consider yourself a happy person? - Yes.
I mean, no. I mean... I will be.
Miss Osborne, there's no such thing as a right answer in this office.
Yes. I'm a very happy person.
How can I help you if you won't be honest with me?
You can sign that consent form. Please.
The American Psychiatric Association categorizes gender dysphoria...
...as a very serious mental disorder.
After my operation not even a gynecologist will be able to detect...
...anything out of the ordinary about my body.
I will be a woman.
Don't you find it odd that plastic surgery can cure a mental disorder?
How do you feel about your penis?
It disgusts me.
I don't even like looking at it.
- What about friends? - They don't like it either.
No. I mean, do you have the support of friends?
I'm very close to my therapist.
What about your family?
My family is dead.
♪ You take some hormones, and I'll take some hormones. ♪
♪ I'll be a woman before you. ♪
♪ You make me happy when... ♪ Shit!
I mean darn. Darn it. Darn it. Darn it. Darn it. Darn it.
Good night, Bree. Sleep tight, Bree.
Olé!
This is the voice. Hi.
This is the voice.
Hello. May I please speak to Mr. Or Mrs. Bhumibol Niratpattanasai?
Mrs. Niratpattanasai, this is Bree Osborne calling...
...with a special introductory offer from the National Home Shopping...
Hello?
Stanley Schupak doesn't live here anymore. Who's calling?
Stanley doesn't have a son. You must have the wrong number.
How old are you?
Why don't you call your mother?
Hello. May I please speak to Mr. Jamal Niang?
Mr. Niang, it's Bree Osborne calling from the National Home Shopping Club...
...with a special introductory rate of only $19.90... Hello?
- He signed it. - I am so proud of you!
Two signatures. I hereby pronounce you officially legal...
...to undergo sexual reassignment surgery.
Thank you.
I... I just...
Thank you.
So, what else is new?
I made my sales quota for the month on Tuesday.
That pink lamb's wool cardigan that I ordered arrived.
Oh, and this is odd. I got a phone call last night...
...from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system.
- He claimed to be Stanley's son. - No third person.
My son.
I thought you told me that you were a virgin.
There was this one girl in college. But the whole thing was so...
...tragically lesbian that I didn't think it counted.
Wow!
- A son! - An alleged son.
He's probably just some sort of scam artist.
What's he scamming you for?
I guess we'll never know.
Nothing is gonna stop me from checking into that hospital next week.
I'm not gonna get dragged back into Stanley's old life.
Stanley's life is your life!
Why don't you get in touch with the mother?
She's dead.
Anyway, he's a teen. He's old enough to take care of himself.
Bree, this is a part of your body that cannot be discarded.
I don't want you to go through this metamorphosis...
...only to find out you're still incomplete.
What if I...
...visit him later... after my surgery, after I've...
...settled into my new life?
When you're ready.
What are you doing?
I can't give this to your surgeon right now.
Yes, you can. I can't miss my surgery on Friday.
They're booked up a year in advance.
I'll wire bail money to New York.
I'll call a social worker and have someone check in on him.
- What do you want me to do? - Bree...
...honey, I just want you to be ready.
Hello? May I please have the number of the New York City...
...downtown lock-up?
Mr. Schupak?
Ms. Schupak. I mean, Ms. Osborne. I changed it.
Can I ask what your relationship is to the prisoner?
Allegedly I'm his...
Allegedly he's... my son.
This is a new one. According to this, he shoplifted a frog!
Plus we have testimony that he was in possession of a small amount...
...of a suspicious-looking white powder.
Although emergency services was unable to recover the evidence.
Drugs? Is he an addict?
Most of them are.
Most of whom are?
Are you aware that your son's been hustling on the streets...
...working as a prostitute?
- How much is the bail? - Bail's set at 1 dollar.
I can't possibly afford... 1 dollar?
Sabrina Claire Osborne!
Meet Toby Wilkins.
My friends call me Bree.
Jesus the Reformer?
That's one of these churches sending missionaries out...
...to guide street people back to God. - No.
I'm...
...from the Church of the Potential Father.
Oh, yes.
Dear God, bless this food, and bless this restaurant...
...and all the people in it, and everyone else... everywhere.
Sic transit Gloria Mundi, in excelsis Deo. Amen.
Do you have any percs? Vicodin? Anything with codeine?
Sorry, I'm all out.
So why don't you tell me something about yourself?
I'm not naming any names.
I said about yourself! Is Toby short for something?
- A diminutive? - No, it's American.
Where do you come from?
- Callicoon. - Where's Callicoon?
In Kentucky. Duh.
Is that where your family is?
My mother's dead. She had a stroke.
Is there anyone else?
- I had a stepfather. - That's wonderful!
Me and him don't get along.
- Why not? - T.M.I.
Too much information.
What about grandparents? Aunts? Uncles?
I don't need any family. I can take care of myself.
I'm a loner.
That's wonderful. That's the spirit.
I've been meaning to thank you for bailing me out.
You're welcome.
I decided in jail, I'm going to give up hustling.
- It's degradable. - Degrading.
- How many... people inhabit... this place? - 3.
By the way, I was just holding those drugs for a friend. I'm not stupid.
Junkies just live for the day, no ambition or anything.
- You have ambition? - Yeah.
I'm gonna get a career in the movies.
10... 20... 40.
60... 80... 100.
Here.
- Will it hold you for a while? - Yeah. Dude, this is great.
I wish you'd stop calling me "dude"!
Well, I best be on my way.
I've got a flight to Los Angeles early in the morning.
Maybe I'll see you out there. That's where they make the movies, right?
I'm gonna hitchhike out there, like... tomorrow.
You can't.
You don't wanna add jumping bail to your permanent record.
I'll change my street name.
Something like Stanley. Stan. Stan the Man.
That's my dad's name.
There's his picture.
He's with my mom.
Are you okay?
I'm a little dizzy.
Beverly Hills is close to the ocean, right?
Maybe I'll learn how to surf. Dye my hair blonde for the movies.
They love blonds there. "Blond in Blond", "Stocks and Blonds"...
..."Bodacious Blond Bottoms". Not that I'm a bottom or anything.
Are you talking about pornographic films?
Duh.
Is there a...
...ladies room in this establishment?
- Hello? - Margaret, it's Bree. I'm in New York.
It turns out this whole jail episode was just a big mistake.
Talk to me!
He's a thoroughly independent young man!
We're getting along famously.
He's going to come visit me after my surgery and...
...I promised to take him to Disneyland. - I see.
So I thought I'd take an early flight back tomorrow. Get back to work.
Recoup some of the money I spent on this trip before my surgery next week.
How are you?
Right now I'm a little disappointed because you're lying to me.
Is there anything else you'd like to say?
There appears to be a step-father. Perhaps I can effect a reunion.
Have you ever heard of a place called Callicoon?
I just conferred with my immediate superior at The Church.
She feels that getting you away from this unwholesome environment...
...is my moral duty.
Free ride, free food, free motel rooms, all the way to L.A.
Uh-uh. Nothing's free.
You're gonna end up marrying her and spending all your life...
...eating out cobwebby old stank Christian pussy.
Something for the road, my man? The finest Tecate!
Fuck no, man. I'm giving that shit up.
Come on, it's only 5 dollars a bag over street price!
Convenience charge!
We could take it out of your cut if she buys the car.
Fuck you, dude.
Alright.
- Whatever! You're the man! - No. Wait. Hey.
I'm not marrying you.
Glory hallelujah!
Almost a new fan belt.
I changed the oil 2 months ago, only 230,000 miles.
It just needs a little paint. That's all. It runs perfect.
- Guaranteed. - I've already arranged a rental.
But, when you get to California, you could resell it, make a profit.
A profit?
- Fasten your seat belt. - I don't like wearing them.
Well, I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs...
...splattered all over the dashboard in case we get in a wreck, God forbid.
- So put it on. - See this shirt?
It cost me 2 dollars.
- Quelle surprise! - These shoes? 3 dollars, 1.50 each.
- You know how much these things are worth in Japan? - 3 dollars?
Like, 500 dollars. Japanese people will kill for old Nikes.
Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.
Yeah. I'd probably be like disemboweled by a ninja.
You don't have to say "like".
"Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient.
And, please, don't put your feet up on the dashboard.
No smoking in the car.
I thought instead of going west on Route 95...
...we'd wind through the mountains on Route 20.
Route 20 takes us close to Callicoon.
I don't wanna go there.
What I find absolutely beyond comprehension...
...is how a person can perform all those...
...intimate acts with just any stranger off the street.
Why should you give a shit?
Because it's the Christian thing to do.
How much money did you make per...
...assignation? - $40 or $50.
- Are we gonna be going through Texas? - Pretty hard to avoid it!
Do you have any money for some food?
I'm sorry I can't offer you a private room.
The church has to conserve its resources.
I've charted us a course on the nice, little red roads.
Callicoon is only about 45 minutes out of our way.
I don't wanna go there.
These are nice beds!
Don't you have any pajamas?
- No. - Well...
...you should get some.
Good night.
Rise and shine!
Up, up, up!
We've got a schedule to keep.
Did I put on too much blush?
You're weird.
The first place I lived was like a hole in the wall off Avenue C.
I had, like, 4 roommates. One was...
...a junkie, one was a crackhead...
...one was like a junkie, and the other one was...
...like a junkie. - Like, like, like!
Did you know that the Lord of the Rings is gay?
I beg your pardon?
There's this big black tower, right? And it points right at this...
...huge burning vagina thing. And it's like the symbol of ultimate evil.
And then Sam and Frodo have to go into this cave...
...and deposit their magic ring into this hot steaming lava pit.
Only at the last minute...
...Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites off his finger.
Gay.
What the fuck are you looking at?
I just didn't think it was right...
...to come so close to Callicoon without at least passing through.
Toby!
Where are you going?
You're acting like a spoiled child!
Oh, my God! I can't believe my eyes! It's my sweet little angel baby!
Give me another hug!
I could wring your neck like a chicken! My favorite boy!
And not even a phone call to tell me if you're alive or dead!
- I was never your favorite. - That's what you think.
I used to look at him out that window, playing all day with that big dog.
- Toby lived near here? - Just 2 doors up the road!
So, what've you been doing with yourself? I wanna know everything.
He's been in New York...
...working toward developing a career in the film industry.
- I'm going to California. - California?!
He always was the artistic type!
He used to have this precious stuffed monkey...
...he carried around with him everywhere, even to school!
- Are you in the movie business too? - She's a missionary with the church.
Praise the Lord!
I'm an electrolygist myself.
If you want, I can get those little hairs up under your nose for you!
My boss lady down at the salon used to work out in California.
From what I hear, some of the Hollywood beauties...
...used to be as hairy as hogs.
That ought to keep them from sticking their heads up again!
Thank you.
You ought to go and say hello to your step-daddy!
- I don't wanna see him. - Of course you do.
The man raised you, clothed you, fed you, sheltered you from harm.
He's your father...
...for all practical purposes.
He always was a sensitive thing.
Are you going to drive him all the way to California?
I have to get some air. Excuse me. And thank you.
- Yeah? - Good evening.
- Do you per chance know a Toby Wilkins? - Who's asking?
I am a bearer of glad tidings.
Your son has come home!
Good!
Toby! Arletty! I brought back a surprise.
Come on in.
Look who's here!
If you can't bring Mohamed to the mountain...
...bring the mountain to Mohamed!
Look how much you've grown!
Toby, give your father a hug!
I was worried sick about you. Why'd you run off like that?
- I missed you. - Isn't this sweet?
I know what you missed. You missed my mouth, my ass.
You hush now. What are these ladies gonna think?
You wanna fuck me in front of them?
You shut up!
Bobby!
Was that good for you?
Come on, Bobby.
You liked it.
- You liked in the... - Shut up!
Come on!
Toby...
Honey...
This man's heavy with sin.
Put him in that chair there.
I don't know you, Bobby Jensen.
He'll come to in a couple of hours.
This isn't my fault!
You never told me why you didn't wanna come home.
Where are you going?
I brought you some breakfast...
He's walking down to the highway ramp to hitchhike himself a ride.
He's a disappearing act.
It's the same thing he did after his mama killed herself.
She what?
She shut herself up in the garage with the car on.
Toby found her there when he came home from school.
Oh, God!
Lovely scenery in this part of the country.
I took a ride from you, I never said I'd carry on a fucking conversation.
I was just trying to do you a favor!
Considering the way you've been living your life it wasn't unreasonable...
...to try to put you under some parental supervision.
What's that? Is that drugs?
Oh, no! Absolutely not!
God damn it!
No! That is not alright! You can't do that here! No!
Are you gonna let me do my thing or do I have to get out right now?
Go ahead.
Kill yourself.
What does it matter to me?
One chocolate milkshake for you and coffee for your mother.
I'm not his mother.
I didn't sleep a wink last night. Let's look for a motel.
I'm camping out.
Do you have something a trifle less...
...butch?
Fettuccine Alfredo or Chicken Cordon Bleu?
Chicken.
Matches?
Fuck!
Excuse me. I have to go to the ladies room.
Do you think there are snakes around here?
Get away, snakes!
Where did you get that?
I had it.
What is that awful sound?
It's a loon.
Certain Native American tribes of the northern plains...
...believed loons were ancestral spirits...
...trying to communicate with the physical world.
My real dad's part Indian.
Is he?
Yeah. He never told me, but I just know.
It's an Indian thing.
Do you think you could find it in your heart to offer a sip of it to a lady?
Are you sick or something?
I'm fine.
These are vitamins.
When I was a little girl...
...I had a terry cloth bunny.
I used to sleep with her every night.
Try holding your breath.
Then one day my parents decided I was too old for her...
...and I never saw her again.
I found him...
...in your step-father's garage.
Here...
Rise and shine!
Come on! Let's go!
I've got to be in L.A. By the end of the week.
What would you say if I told you I could set you up with a job...
...in the telemarketing field?
The nice thing about telemarketing is you can live any place.
I could drop you off in... Austin.
I'm going to California. My real dad has a mansion there with a pool.
What do you see your life like, 10 years from now?
Probably get a job at a pet store. Have a dog, maybe some kids.
Kids!
I always wanted kids.
Perhaps you ought to aim for something a little...
...higher than working in a pet store.
If you like animals, you could become a veterinarian or a zoologist.
- I'm out of cigarettes. - Quel dommage!
What does "quel dommage" mean?
It means you're not getting any cigarettes.
Are you a boy or a girl?
Turn around and stop bothering people!
Margaret! Thank God!
I am in the middle of Arkansas...
...and an 8-year-old child just read me! I can't handle this!
I had to camp out last night on the ground with bugs!
He is impossible.
I can't throw away all my savings! My surgery's only 5 days away.
Dallas? I don't know. 4 or 5 hours. Why?
Hold on.
Toby!
Would you mind introducing me to your new friend?
Taylor.
Yeah, this is Taylor.
It's nice to meet you, Taylor.
What's going on here?
Come on! Your mother's waiting for you in the car!
You better watch out he doesn't get some poor innocent girl in trouble.
You better watch out she doesn't ruin some poor innocent boy's life!
You, go wait for me at the table!
Margaret! I really don't think I am cut out to be a mother.
Dear God, bless this meal...
...and please help Toby to find the strength not to take any more drugs...
...so that in L.A. He can get a job and find a nice apartment.
So that even if he never finds his real father...
...he can lead an independent life. Amen.
There's a really cool hat back there. It's only $10.
My nose is getting sunburned...
Eat your vegetables.
You might wanna use a fork.
Just an idea.
I'll tell you what.
You can have that hat on one condition: No more drugs.
I mean it.
Deal?
Deal.
I got you a present.
Thank you. I'm very... touched.
Put it on!
That looks good.
You get back in here!
Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?! In! In! In!
Okay!
Get in!
I was holding on. You wanna give me a heart attack?
Did I scare you?
Why are we going to Dallas?
An associate of mine has arranged a place for us to stay for the night.
This Mary Ellen is being very generous to offer us her hospitality, so...
...I hope you'll be on your best behavior.
I'm always on my best behavior.
Sabrina and Toby, right?
I'm Mary Ellen. Come on in!
I'm having a little get-together, but you two just make yourselves at home!
Mary Ellen, come here! Alicia's showing us her new vagina!
I'm sorry. They're feeling a little feisty.
Everybody, this is Sabrina, and her handsome escort here is Toby.
- Hi! - Hi yo!
Margaret said you were stealth!
I am, in public. This is the privacy of my own home!
Welcome to the first meeting of the Gender Pride President's Day...
...Weekend Caribbean Cruise Planning Committee!
- We have to go. - No!
Where you guys know each other from?
We don't. She's a friend of a friend of a friend...
There's rum punch in the kitchen and guacamole in the dining room!
- Come on! - Don't be so uptight. It's a party!
Margaret told me you were planning to have your surgery soon.
Toby doesn't know about me.
You're stealth to him?!
- Oh, sugar dumpling! - Don't worry, honey, we've all been there.
I'll pass the word.
It was one of those instant best friend things.
But at the time we were both straight men. What could you do with that?
We had our surgery on the same day.
We ended up holding hands in the recovery room.
And now this gorgeous creature is the love of my life.
We were telling you friend a bit about the transsexual lifestyle.
Not what you're used to in church, huh?
These are vaginal dilators. She just had her surgery last month.
- This is Keanu 2. And this is Keanu 3. - Where's Keanu 1?
Keanu 1 is in Hollywood filming a major science fiction epic...
...and we don't wanna hear a snarky remark about him.
We're not gender-challenged. We're gender-gifted.
I've been woman and I've been man, and I know more things...
...than you single-sexed people can even imagine.
Dude, I thought you were a real guy.
We walk among you.
That poor thing couldn't pass on a dark night at 200 yards.
In the pink.
You better check your T-dar, honey. She's a G. G!
- A what? - A genuine girl... from Mary Kay!
If you let her do a color trial, she'll give you a free compact.
♪ Give me a home where the buffalo roam... ♪
♪ ... And the deer and the antelope play... ♪
♪ ... With each other. ♪
♪ Where seldom is heard a discouraging word... ♪
♪ ... And the skies are not cloudy all day. ♪
Everybody!
Sorry!
Could you hand me my robe, please? The pink... satin.
It's by the...
Thank you.
It's an unfortunate side-effect of my... pills. They're a... diuretic.
Gross!
A diuretic... It means you go number 1, not number 2.
Listen, I'm... sorry about those Ersatz women.
What?
"Ersatz" means phony, something pretending to be something it's not.
I thought they were nice.
Zoologists are the guys that work in the zoos, right?
Yes, among other places.
I never met my real dad. My mom never talked about him.
I'm gonna go live with him. As soon as I get enough money...
...I can get some nice clothes...
...knock on his door, surprise him.
Do your mom and dad live in California too?
My parents are dead.
Do you like zoos?
I don't mind the modern ones, I guess.
The animals... may not be free, but they're safe.
Yeah.
Me too.
Good night.
- Did you go to a college? - Yes.
- What did you study? - A lot of things.
French, cultural anthropology, archeology, psychology, art history.
Possum. Biology.
80 million years ago, during the Cretaceous Period...
...these plains were the floor of a huge inland sea.
Are we there yet?
If you don't wanna learn anything, then never mind.
Alright, I'm listening.
It cut the entire continent in two.
Dinosaurs lived on either side. Then, a huge meteor struck the earth.
Some say that's why the dinosaurs went extinct.
But why should the insects, birds and mammals have survived.
Why?
I don't know. But it's always seemed a bit fishy to me.
Did you know they found giant shark remains in the middle of Kansas?
How big were they?
Big enough to swallow you without even chewing.
- Got you. - You did not.
I got you!
- You got me in the eye! - I'm so sorry!
Did I hurt you?
Got you!
Stop it!
Seriously, watch the road!
You drive. I hope we pass a rest stop soon. My diuretic's kicking in.
Do rattlesnakes come out at night?
Well...
...I must say that's a relief.
Something wrong?
This is a no smoking room.
New Mexico is the ufology capital of the world.
Ufology, from UFO, the study of unidentified flying objects.
Social ostracism doesn't work in a community of two.
Damn it, Toby, say something!
I wanna go to Sammy's Wigwam.
Here are some arrowheads. They're only a dollar each.
He's been acting like that all day.
Young man, if you don't behave in a civilized fashion...
...you and I are gonna have a very serious problem.
- Fuck you!
You watch your mouth around your mother!
She is not my mother! She's not anyone's mother!
She's not even a real woman. She's got a dick.
Don't you?
Don't you? Go on, tell him!
You're a fucking lying freak!
What do you want out of me?
Just because a person doesn't blab around her biological history...
...to everyone she meets doesn't make her a liar.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
So you could humiliate me in public even sooner?
You knew all about me!
Why did you bail me out of jail?
You just walked into jail and asked them who needed help?
You know what? Fuck you! I never heard of a trannie church!
Just drop me off in the next town.
So you don't think I have the right to belong to a church?
My body may be a work in progress...
...but there is nothing wrong with my soul!
Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he was.
So you're cutting your dick off for Jesus?
You don't cut it off.
I'm just gonna have an innie instead of an outie.
Hi. Is there any chance that you could offer a fellow traveler a ride?
Absolutely! We love helping strangers!
Beef, jerky?
No, thanks. I'm a level 4 vegan.
I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.
- A little token of my appreciation? - Absolutely.
I'm sorry, but the secondary smoke might render me unfit to drive.
She's cool, right?
She's not a she. She's got a dick.
- Toby! - For now at least.
You're a guy?
- I'm a transsexual woman. - Wow!
I think transsexuality is a radically evolved state of being.
Hey, look!
Many societies throughout history have honored and revered...
...transgendered people: The Zulu, the Yoruba...
The Native Americans called us "two-spirit people".
Two spirits. Cool!
Tell him what they're gonna do with your dick!
Then the settlers came and tended to murder us on sight.
The way the white man treated the Indian was very deeply fucked up.
- Yeah. - Are you sure you won't join us?
Come on! We know what you've got!
You boys go ahead. Have fun.
So what do you do when you're not following the open road?
- I'm a peyote shaman. - How do you do that?
It involves consuming majestic amounts of peyote.
And when you're done throwing up...
...you see things.
- What things? - Once I saw my own death.
Do you by any chance drown in a desert lake?
No. I die in a depressurization accident on a moon colony.
I'll show you something. It's in my bag.
Do you still think what you said back at Sammy's wigwam?
What?
That I'm a freak.
You're not a freak.
You're just a liar.
Oh, shit!
My purse!
My hormones! You dirty motherfucking hippie!
My dog book was in that car.
Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God...
My surgery...
I have to be in L.A. In 2 days. What are we going to do?
- Is it soothing? - I could sell it.
How much could you get?
Come on! Let's go!
Having a tough day?
I don't care about the car.
I just need to get to L.A. As quickly as possible.
I'm driving a couple of ponies over to the sale in Show Low next morning.
I could give you a ride that far.
Woodrow, can I get a burger for the young lady here?
Yep!
Isn't Calvin an unusual name for a Native American?
Not really.
My brothers are named Dwight, Lloyd, Darryl and Woodrow.
- What's your last name? - Manygoats.
- It's my mother's clan name. - A matrilineal kinship system!
- Is there a Mrs. Manygoats? - No. Not yet.
I guess the right woman hasn't met me.
There you are!
Calvin, I'd like you to meet Toby. Toby, this is Calvin Manygoats.
How're you doing, son?
I saved you half a hamburger.
Calvin's offered us a place for tonight and a ride in the morning.
- Isn't that generous of him? - I guess.
Excuse me, just a minute.
You... already found a buyer?
At least now you don't have any more of that damn drug.
Shower.
So...
...Calvin, have you... spent all your life in New Mexico?
- Not yet!
- It's beautiful. - It's home!
Hi.
It's Mescal.
A friend of mine brings it up from Oaxaca.
♪ Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me... ♪
♪ ... Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee. ♪
♪ Sounds of the rude world heard in the day... ♪
♪ ... Lulled by the moonlight have all passed away. ♪
♪ Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song... ♪
♪ ... List while I woo thee with soft melody. ♪
♪ Gone are the cares of life's busy throng... ♪
♪ ... Beautiful dreamer awake unto me. ♪
♪ Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me. ♪
You can sing!
Just enough to keep the dogs off the back porch! That's all.
Come on.
Thank you.
- That'll put hair on your chest. - I hope not!
Good morning, sleepy head.
Calvin's gonna drive us all the way to Phoenix.
Do my breasts seem smaller to you?
I've missed 2 doses of my pills.
Play with the body's hormonal balance and you're playing with fire.
Playing with fire! Playing with fire!
When you wear your cowboy hat, if you wear it like that...
...that means you're looking for trouble.
If you wear it like that, you're not looking for trouble.
If you wear it off to the side, you're out to impress the ladies!
How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?
It keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a headband and 2 eagle feathers.
Calvin was telling me that his people are Navajo.
Only part Navajo. My great-great-great grandfather was Zuni.
You got a Cherokee look about you.
Proud people, them Cherokee!
- You're too young. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
Here. Drink some water.
Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I have to... use the powder room.
- Here. - Thank you. - Allow me.
Thank you.
There are things about her she's not telling you.
Every woman has a right to a little mystery, dude!
You know she's a Jesus freak? She's probably waiting to convert you.
She can convert me anytime she wants to.
I wish I could drive you all the way to Los Angeles.
So do I.
Let me get that for you.
It's alright.
It doesn't work from the inside.
It sticks a bit.
Thank you.
Bree, there are some things about me, about my past that you don't know.
We all have our secrets.
I've been in jail more than once. I'm about blind in one eye...
...and I got half a pound of shrapnel in my left leg.
But, if you're ever in New Mexico...
...I'd really like it if you gave me a call.
Thank you, Calvin. I'll do that.
Let's go!
Come here!
This belonged to a real good friend of mine.
He was a champion in the All Indian Rodeo circuit.
Now you look like a warrior.
Ma'am...
- Where are we? - My parents' house.
I thought you said your parents were dead.
Wishful thinking.
- Who's Sydney? - My baby sister.
May I help you?
Is Sydney here?
Sydney's out. May I tell her who called?
I don't think so.
Don't look at me that way.
I'm not looking at you.
Alright, alright. Shit!
I mean darn. No, I mean shit.
May I help you, young lady?
Dad, it's me.
Mom! Dad!
Mom!
Get in here, before the neighbors see you!
Jesus Christ! I can't even recognize you.
It's me... only different.
So you've done it. It's all over.
I don't think that's any of your business.
Mom!
Thank God! Murray, he's still a boy.
My poor Stanley! I can't look at you like this!
Why do you always upset her like that?
I'm just gonna get something to eat and drink...
...then I'll go back and wait for Sydney outside.
Are you sure you're alright, Stanley?
Fabulous. Never been better.
- Stanley... - Bree!
Sabrina Claire Osborne.
We're gonna need more time with that.
- Your mother and I love you... - But we don't respect you.
I'll never understand why you're doing this to me.
I'm not doing anything to you.
I'm gender dysphoric. It's a genetic condition.
Don't try to blame your father and me for this!
Don't use so much mayonnaise. Are you trying to give yourself a heart attack?
Let me do that!
Do you know what I see when I look at you?
I see a lost soul crying out for help.
This would never have happened if you had only come to church...
...as a child instead of going off to that synagogue of your father's!
Mom! Dad!
There's a sort of scruffy looking kid outside.
- Holy shit! - Language, Sydney!
I don't fucking believe it!
Stanley!
Bree.
Bree...
Well, Bree, I was hoping you'd show up...
...take some of the heat off me.
It's nice to see you too.
If the kid out there's your boyfriend, I'm gonna slit my wrists.
- I need to talk to you in private. - Oh, my God! He is!
You lucky son of a... I mean, you lucky bitch!
Your boyfriend?!
That filthy teenage juvenile delinquent who came to the door?
He happens to be a clean, healthy and respectable young man.
I don't want to hear any more about it! How old is he?
17.
Oh, my God! Murray, he's underage!
Mom, he's my son.
- You're shitting me? - Remember Emma Wilkins?
- What are you saying? - Is Emma here too?
She killed herself.
Jesus! Kinehora!
Are you trying to tell me...
...that that boy who came to the door...
He's your grandson.
My grandson...
Dear God!
He doesn't know anything and I don't want him to.
Wait!
Call me grandpa.
You poor thing! Get up off that filthy ground!
There could be all sorts of awful things down there.
Look at you!
A handsome boy!
- Do you know who I am? I'm your... - You're a friend of Bree's mother.
He doesn't know about me. And I don't want him to know about me.
- Agreed?! You're not gonna say anything? - No.
- Hi there. I'm Sydney. - Hey.
Toby.
What do you say?
Toby! Come on inside, where there's nice air conditioning.
Come on, honey! I'll make you a nice plate of food!
Defrosted to perfection!
- Finish your vegetables. - He doesn't like broccoli.
Open up.
Lucky, no!
That dog's a sex maniac!
Just like your father.
At least he gets more action than I do.
My mom used to live in Phoenix before I was born.
Really?
What a coincidence!
What'd your name used to be, when you were a guy?
Honey, why don't you go and watch TV in the spare bedroom?
You can take the dog.
Come here, boy.
Stanley, what are you planning to do with that poor boy?
First of all, I'm gonna make sure he knows he's encouraged and supported.
And that he's respected...
...maybe even...
At least that he's respected.
Behold the return of the prodigal son!
Can we try to be nice to each other, please?
This is so bizarre. I can still see Stanley in you, but...
...it's like you put yourself through a strainer...
...and got rid of all the boy pulp.
Planning a game of bridge with the girls?
Can I borrow 1,000 dollars?
You've got to be kidding.
500?
- 250? - Do I hear a dollar and a half?
I have to account for every penny!
18 months sober and they're still scared shitless I'm gonna relapse...
...and wind up passed out on the floor bed in some dive down on Van Buren.
God, those were the days!
My surgery's the day after tomorrow.
I need airfare to get home.
Growing up I always thought you were the lucky one.
Try this one!
Oh, my God!
No, it'll be like "Showgirls" and "Ice Capades".
I'm a transsexual, not a transvestite.
Yeah, but it'll really freak Mom out!
I've lost all credibility now.
Toby, don't break that, honey. It's very expensive.
Murray, I just hate the way you had Lucky's tail clipped!
It stands straight up like that, just like a penis.
- Black and hairy? - Well, it does!
- Not like any penis I've ever seen! - Me neither.
Toby!
Toby, come over here and let me fix your hair. Come on!
Come on, honey!
Stay!
Sit!
You have such nice thick hair!
Just like mine.
And those clothes are a great improvement.
- They fit good, huh? - They fit well!
Grammar police!
Good evening.
That dress looks perfectly ridiculous.
You're looking very handsome.
You look good too.
- Beauty is relative. - For God's sake, Mom!
Don't pick on me, not tonight! I can't take it!
I used to read pornography on the toilet and ever since...
...I have shitty sex.
- You get it? - Yeah...
Thank you.
Toby, come and sit here next to me!
Here, take a picture!
Murray, scoot over! Come on, honey, right here!
That's right. Toby, honey, lean in place.
Alright, everybody, 1, 2, 3...
We all look much happier than we really are.
Can you take one of the two of us?
I'll take it.
Nice to see a young man being so polite to his mother.
That's not his mother.
And a hamburger for the young gentleman. Enjoy your meal!
Toby, do you want to say grace?
Go ahead, honey! Don't be shy!
God bless this restaurant...
...and... these thy gifts that we are about to receive forever...
...and ever.
And thank you, Lord, for bringing Toby to us.
And, please, let us all stay together in health and spirits...
...in Jesus Christ's name. Amen. - Amen.
Shalom Yisrael.
Toby, honey, don't take the lettuce out of your hamburger.
It's good for you.
Sydney, don't play with your food!
Sieg Heil!
- Can I borrow 1,000 dollars? - Toby, your hamburger's almost raw!
- Let me send that back. - I can pay it back with interest.
- What do you need the money for? - To get back to L.A.
Look at your life.
You've never been able to stick to a decision.
10 years of college and not a single degree.
How do you know you won't change your mind?
Because I know.
Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please!
I miss my son.
Mom...
...you never had a son.
How can you say such a thing?
Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.
We only tried to do the best for you.
Is that why you tried to have me committed?
You tried to kill yourself!
Because you tried to have me committed!
I don't know why you have to be so emotional.
I am not emotional!
- God, my cycle's all out of whack! - You don't have cycles!
Hormones are hormones.
Yours and mine just happen to come in little purple pills.
Young man! May we get some doggie bags here, please?
Yes, ma'am.
I am going to finish cooking his hamburger at home!
Murray, give me your wallet!
Here's 200 dollars. We'll get the rest out of the safe.
There's one condition.
I want Toby to stay here with me.
Wouldn't you like that, honey?
You could have your own little apartment.
We'll remodel the guest house!
Do you like to play tennis? We have 8 new courts at the Country Club.
Murray and I just feel that you need a stable, loving family...
...with the means to give you every chance that you deserve.
Toby! There you are, baby!
Half Italian villa, half Country Club.
- Beauty is relative. - Not my relatives!
I wish just once they'd look at me and see me.
That's all. Just really see me.
Why are they being so nice to me?
You think I ought to stay here?
Do you want to?
It's pretty nice.
I think you ought to do whatever you think is best for you.
But if you want...
...you can come and live with me.
I can't give you anything like this, but I'm sure we can manage something.
Did you really try to kill yourself?
I swallowed half a bottle of Nembutal.
Then I panicked and called 911.
- Maybe you're not the suicidal type. - Maybe.
Unless my mother is right and I just can't stick to a decision.
Come in.
- Can't you sleep? - Not really.
Do you need something?
- A glass of milk? - No.
What is it?
I must look awful.
You look good.
You look well.
Don't worry.
What are you doing?
What I'm good at.
- No! No! - It's okay. I want to.
You'll like it, I promise.
I don't wanna like it. I don't wanna it at all.
Okay.
I'll marry you if you want.
I don't care how big your place is. I just wanna be with you.
I think you're sexy, Bree.
It's like... I can see you.
Oh, God.
Oh, no. Put your clothes on. I mean it. Right now. Stop it.
- What's the matter? - Would you please just cover yourself up?!
- I am such a total shit. - No, you're not.
There's something I should have told you a long time ago.
You're gonna hate me.
I'm not really... exactly...
...affiliated with the church.
I already figured that out.
What?
It's my mom and dad.
It's your mom...
...and me.
Toby...
...I'm so sorry.
I know I shouldn't have lied to you. I know how disappointed you must be...
...your one bedroom apartment instead of a mansion...
...half Jewish instead of half Indian.
Toby!
Why don't we look on the bright side? We've gotten to know each other...
...our strengths and weaknesses. And we're still good friends. Aren't we?
I'm so sorry! I truly... Really I didn't mean to hurt you!
My mother's probably right. I'm a terrible influence.
Please, this is a terrible time for me. I should be... Toby, wait!
You are not my father!
Oh, God!
Honey...
There...
He didn't mean it, honey... He's just a bit upset...
There now...
There... There...
Toby's gone!
He took my purse and my bucking bronco statue.
What do you want to do, Sta...?
Bree!
He's 17, but you don't know his date of birth?
What's your relationship to the missing boy?
I am his father.
- Can't you put out an APB or something? - We'll do our best.
I'm sorry to say this, but chances are if he doesn't wanna be found...
...he's gonna stay lost.
Hey!
This is Bree.
Thank you very much.
Everything's fine. The surgery was a complete success.
Hello, my baby!
How are you feeling?
And don't say "like a new woman"!
I... feel like a... medieval heretic...
...impaled on a very large and very thick... stake...
...with splinters.
Nice hat!
It was a present.
Bree, why do I get the feeling that there's something not quite right?
Last week you said this was gonna be the happiest day of your life.
Last week was a long time ago.
Talk to me.
I fucked up.
It hurts.
Oh, my sweetie...
That's what hearts do.
I'm sorry.
No. Let it out.
This is good.
¡Ay! ¡Qué regalo para mí!
- Amo la comida mexicana. - Amo la comida mexicana.
¡Y amo... a Fernando!
Amo la comida mexicana. Mexicana.
School's going to be closing in about 15 minutes.
Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?
Sure. What subject?
Sex education.
Alright, cut!
Lucky, needs help again! Let's go!
- Did you take your Viagra? - Yes, ma'am.
- When's the last time you came? - About 2 hours ago.
Christ, kid! You've got to focus! Can you focus?
We are behind schedule. We've got to move!
Toby!
Don't think that I'm fucking forgiving you, because I'm not.
Alright.
I just came over to see if you did it.
Did what?
Got your dick turned inside out.
Yes.
Won't you come in?
Just for a little while?
I have something for you.
What?
Please.
Your parents' house is a lot nicer.
My parents' house comes with my parents.
I thought you said we were Jewish.
Half Jewish through my father, so it's technically the wrong half.
And you're only a quarter. The wrong quarter.
I'm gonna finish up my degree. I thought I'd take up teaching...
...maybe rent a house some place...
...some place with a yard.
What have you got for me?
Hang on a minute.
I've missed you.
Have a seat.
So how have you been?
I'm doing alright.
Would you care to divulge a few more details?
- I'm making a movie. - You are?
I told you I could.
They're already doing the advertisement for it.
"Cowabunghole".
That's Dylan Reeves. He's a big star.
And there's you.
It's a very... nice picture.
I like your hair.
If you wanna, I could get you a discount when it comes out.
Thank you. That's very considerate.
I got these clothes at the Beverly Center, Beverly Hills.
Would you like a coke?
I'll take a beer.
Alright.
Young man...
...if you think you can put your dirty shoes on my brand new coffee table...
...you're gonna have to think again.