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[Male Narrating] We must begin our story, sad to say, with an empty chair.
If it were not empty, we would not have a story.
But it is, and we do, and it is time to tell it.
This is the story of my family–
of my seven children who are all very clever...
but all very, very, very naughty.
[Screaming]
[Narrator] This is Nanny Whetstone,
the 17th nanny I had hired to look after my children.
[Screaming] She was the strictest, the toughest...
and the most fearless nanny in all the land.
And as I went to work that morning at the local funeral parlor,
I was confident in the knowledge that there was nothing,
absolutely nothing, that my children could do to upset her. [Whetstone Screaming]
They've eaten the baby!
[Narrator] Except that.
[Boy] He's coming.! He's coming.! He's coming.!
[Girl] Quiet. He's coming.
Shh.! [Whispering, Indistinct]
[Belches]
Children, where's Aggy?
[Jingling]
[Jingles]
Oh, look at you. You're all cabbagey.
Oh. Oh, you're all gravy.
As was doubtless your intention, Nanny Whetstone has resigned from her post.
Now I shall go to the agency this afternoon, and I shall hire a new nanny.
And you will not drive her away as you have done with Nanny Whetstone and her predecessors.
[Aggy Coos]
Papa.
Can't catch me up. That showed them who's boss.
[Screams, Groaning]
Three days, eight hours and 47 minutes.
So, that got rid of her...
23 hours and 30 minutes quicker than the last one.
I think the turning point was definitely eating the baby. Well done, Eric.
- [Sighs] - Mr. Brown, are you all right?
Perfectly. Yes, I'm perfectly all right.
Evangeline, not to panic you, but could you let Cook know that...
the new nanny has had to leave quite suddenly,
and I'm off to the agency to find a new one?
Good. I'll just–
- Mrs. Partridge. - We're closed!
- Uh, there's been a tiny hiccup– - We're not here!
No. No, please, let me in. Go away.!
Listen, they didn't eat the baby. It was a chicken, actually.
[Mrs. Partridge] There's no more nannies.! You've had the lot.! [Door Slams]
[Squeaks]
[Woman's Voice] The person you need is Nanny McPhee.
Is that you, Mrs. Partridge?
The person you need is Nanny McPhee.
Excellent. I need her to start right away. I'm already late for a vital tea dance.
Nanny McPhee is not on our books.
Nanny McPhee is not on anyone's books.
Nanny Whetstone's gone. Oh. There's a surprise.
Hurry it up there. Spuds.
Mr. Brown's gone to the agency.
I said the children will be fine with us. They won't be fine with me.
I won't have them dirty blighters in my kitchen, and that is that.
I have it in writing. In writing!
[Children Shouting] ## [Off-key]
Well, that's the final straw.
[Grunts] There are no more nannies.
None. All over.
Finished. And I've had to cancel my vital appointment,
- and that's going to cause no end of trouble, I can tell you. - I told them not to.
- It wasn't my idea. - Don't look at me. It's not my fault.
Well, you seem intent on distressing me, so–
Uh, don't do that, darling, please. That's my sore bit.
You seem intent on distressing me, so now I'm going to distress you.
You are to– to go to bed immediately!
Before supper?
Without supper.
Did he say without supper?
Never mind that.
There's no more nannies.
Poor him and poor them.
Poor them, my Aunt Fanny.
They're the worstest, nastiest, horriblest–
There'll be snow in August before this family's straightened out.
Dear Nanny Whetstone, I'm so very sorry.
My children– [Children Shouting]
[Boy] Pull its head.! [Girl] Give it back to her.! Give it back now.!
My children.
[Shouting Continues] [Groans]
Eric.! Eric, that's my teddy.!
- Eric, stop doing this! - Give it back!
- [All Shouting] - ## [Off-key]
All right, you lot!
- [All Shouting] - Quiet!
You're driving your poor father to distraction.
Stop it!
Lily, what's this word?
Lovingly. "He took her lovingly by the hand."
- What's your book about, Evangeline? - It's about the daughter of a nice man...
who remarries after his wife dies and the stepmother's horrid to her.
Why doesn't the man stop her from being horrid?
Fathers all turn bad once their wives die. They don't care anymore.
Simon, yours does.
No, he doesn't.
Does he read to Chrissie like he used to?
Does he play cricket with us like he used to?
He doesn't even sing "Loola-bye" to Aggy anymore. We hardly see him.
He loves you, Simon, you know that.
He's just had an awful lot on his mind since–
Since Mother died.
You used to be as close as anything.
Not anymore. All he cares about now is getting himself a nice, new wife.
Well...
I don't know if that's true or not, but perhaps it would be nice to have a new mother.
Don't you know anything about the world, Evangeline?
Whoever he marries will be vile and treat us like slaves.
- You don't know that. - Plenty of hard evidence for it.
There isn't one single stepmother in there who is even halfway decent.
They're an evil breed.
Anyway, whoever likes other people's children?
I like you.
Yes, but you're a servant. You're paid to like us.
That doesn't count.
I've got my work to be getting on with.
I really am hungry, Evangeline.
Could you maybe bring me some secret toast andjam?
All right, forget the jam. Just some secret toast.
[Match Strikes]
Shall I plump the cushion on Mrs. Brown's chair?
Only, I know how you like to plump it yourself sometimes.
Oh, no. Th-That's all right. Y-You plump away, Evangeline. Thank you.
I was wondering if I might make Master Sebastian a wee piece of toast?
Yes, I should– Uh, no. No. Under no circumstances. No.
I could do it secret-like.
No, they'll hear him chewing, and then we're done for.
- No, they get nothing. - Righto, Mr. Brown.
[Woman's Voice] The person you need is Nanny McPhee.
[Woman's Voice] Nanny McPhee.
No supper. Discipline.
That's more like it.
[Squeaks]
[Whimpers]
- [Squeaks] - [Gasps]
Now, you listen here, you pustular tykes.
You ain't allowed in this kitchen. Not now, not ever! I have it in writing!
Well, dear, the agency has closed its doors.
What am I to do? Aunt Adelaide says–
Your children are out of control, Cedric.
Then there was that thing she said about their needing a female influence.
You know what she's like. She'll– She'll stop the allowance...
unless I marry again and give them a new mother within the month.
It's a month. I mean, it's unbearable.
But I had to– I had to promise.
You remember we talked about what would happen without her money?
Bank will take the house.
There'll be debtor's prison for me. Workhouse for the older children.
Goodness only knows what will happen to little Chrissie.
And as for Aggy, it's–
it's unimaginable.
[Squeaking]
Where are you, you mewling half-bakes?
I'm ready for you, and I'm hard– Ohh!
[Children Shouting, Indistinct]
- This is fun! - Hey!
- [Chuckling] - We got Cook!
[Woman's Voice] The person you need is Nanny McPhee.
[Shouting Continues]
- Eric, you're not making another bomb, are you? - [Laughing]
[Woman's Voice] McPhee. McPhee. McPhee.
- [Screams] - [Gasps]
[All Screaming]
They're in the kitchen! No, no, no!
- You took them down for toast! - [Evangeline] I never did.!
- You sent them to bed with no dinner.! That's what done it.! - Don't tell me–
- [Knocking] - [Thunderclap]
I'll, um– Wh-Why don't you–
[Evangeline] I'll go. No. I think I'd better deal with this.
You-You, um– I'll– I'll be off, then.
Yes, you– l-I'll just–
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Rumbling Continues]
[Thunderclap]
Good evening, Mr. Brown. I am Nanny McPhee.
Oh, you're– Uh, of course. [Nervous Giggle]
Good heavens. L-I suppose the agency–
I do not belong to any agency, Mr. Brown. I am a government nanny.
A government nanny. How...
- unusual. - May I come in?
Yes, by all means, do– do come in.
Hmm. [Thunder Rumbles]
I understand you have extremely ill-behaved children.
No, no, no. No.
No. Uh, good grief, what a suggestion.
[Glass Shattering] [Children Shouting]
- Playful. - [Shouting Continues]
What are your main concerns? Concerns?
Mm. Do they go to bed when they're told?
Well, no, not-not in– Uh, no.
Do they get up when they're told? Uh, well, no, not exactly.
Do they get dressed when they're told? Uh, well, now, that's a good question.
Do they say "please" and "thank you"?
In what context?
That will do to be going on with. Your children need me.
[Glass Shattering]
Oh, just–just let me go and, uh, make sure everything's in order before I introduce you–
I shall introduce myself.
Please, Mr. Brown, go back to your newspaper.
[Banging] [Children Shouting]
[All Shouting] [Mumbling]
Oh, look.
The door's open and there's nobody there.
Help! Help me!
I am here. I am Nanny McPhee. [Cook, Muffled Shouting]
Oh, d-d-d-did somebody speak?
- I didn't hear anything. - That's because nobody is there.
Then listen carefully and try to hear this.
You are to stop what you are doing,
put the kitchen to rights and go upstairs to bed.
[Cook, Muffled Shouting] Go on, up.!
- Did you hear what I said? - I've just had an idea.
Why don't we play here in the kitchen all night long?
- Let's! Let's! Let's! - [Shouting]
Excellent notion.
- Tomatoes! - Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump.! Jump.! Jump.! Jump.! Jump.! Jump.! Jump.! Jump.!
- Jump. Jump. - [Whimpers]
[Creaks]
Government nanny?
- [Girl] What's she done? - [Eric] She's done something to us.!
They went in the pot! They went in the pot!
- [Chrissie] I can't stop.! - [Eric] She banged her stick.!
[Chrissie] I'm going to be sick.!
[Screaming]
[Eric] It must be magic.! [Lily] What's happening?
- [Lily] Please, Simon, let's stop.! - We've got to stop!
- Let's stop! - Let's stop!
- Well, stop if you want then! - We can't!
- It's her fault!
It all started when she banged that stick.
- [Chrissie] I can't stop.! - [Eric] Slow down.!
- Simon! - Come on then, whoever you are!
Let's stop all this and go to bed.!
- Say please. - I never say please.
- Very well. - Please!
- [Muffled] Please!
- [Lily] Don't touch Aggy.! - Wait!
- Say it! - Actually, Simon, would you? Because this baby is going to blow.
- And Aggy's going to go in the stockpot. - [Eric] Put her back, Chrissie.!
Oh, for goodness sake, please, then!
[Chrissie] Take Aggy off me.!
Please, Nanny McPhee.
[Tora] Chrissie, don't.!
- Say it! - [Eric] Take Aggy out.!
- [Chrissie] No, Lily.! - Say it!
- Simon! - [Lily] I can't stop myself!
Please, Nanny McPhee.
[Lily] I'm going tojump.!
- [Creaks] - Too late!
- Blimey. - Up to bed, please.
Good night, Mrs. Blatherwick. Good night, Evangeline.
[Together] Good night, Nanny McPhee.
You know, when Mr. Brown said no dinner, I thought they'd be down here in a trice.
But they've been ever so quiet.
Don't you fret. They don't dare come in this kitchen.
I have it in writing.
[Sighs]
You have to be careful with that, Aggy.
It's Mama's rattle, and it's the only thing we've got of hers.
[Jingling]
[Aggy Cooing] What on earth are you doing?
- We're getting ready for bed. - That's what she told us to do.
And since when have we decided to do what we're told?
Since we nearly got Cook blown up and Aggy boiled.
May I just remind you of something?
We got rid of the last 17 nannies.
We're getting rid of this one too. [Children Chattering]
[Eric] You are not brave. Fine. Be brave then.
[Sebastian] Yes, well, I nearly got blown up, and anyway l-l–
Hmm.
[Giggles]
You must feel at such a disadvantage, Nanny McPhee.
- In what way? - We know your name, but you don't know ours.
[Children Giggling]
- Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Oglington Fartworthy. - [Farts]
[All Giggling]
How do you do?
Uh, that's F-A-R-T– Fart... worthy.
[Children Giggling]
- Booger McHorsefanny. - [Giggling]
Knickers O'Muffin.
- Sandra. - Bum.
- I'm Bum! - I'm Bosoms. [Giggles]
- Bum. - You can't be Bum, Aggy.
Sebastian's Bum. You're Poop.
- Poop Bum. - You can't be Poop and Bum.
[Children Giggling]
[Giggling Stops]
Good night, Agatha.
Good night, Sebastian.
Good night, Tora.
Good night, Christianna.
Good night, Lily.
Good night, Eric.
Good night, Simon.
There is something you should understand about the way I work.
When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay.
When you want me but no longer need me,
then I have to go.
It's rather sad, really, but there it is.
We will never want you.
Then I will never go.
Good night, children.
How did she know our names? No one ever knows our names.
[Chrissie] Magic. [Eric] Witchcraft.
It doesn't matter. We're getting rid of her tomorrow.
[Animal Cawing] [Mumbling]
What? Say what? Uh, what? What?
I did knock.
Of course you did. You weren't just creeping up on me, for heaven's sake. Wh-Wh-What a suggestion.
The children are all in bed and asleep.
- Good. Really? - Hmm.
- Good grief. - I shall see myself to my room. Good night, Mr. Brown.
Uh, no. Wait. Wait.
What do you– I mean, how– I mean, what are your terms?
Your children require five lessons.
Lesson one– to go to bed when they're told– is complete.
As for my terms, I take Sunday afternoons off.
Good night.
Interesting.
[Birds Chirping]
[Grunting]
Time to get up.
[Moans]
[Rooster Crowing]
Hmm. I shall give you half an hour to be up, washed, dressed,
teeth cleaned, beds made...
and out into the garden for some healthful fresh air before breakfast.
Lessons start at 9:00. Sharp.
[Eric] I don't know about you lot, but I want to stay in bed.
Sebastian, run the thermometer under the hot tap, would you?
Chrissie, chalk. Eric, crayons. Lily, pepper.
How do you know she won't do something horrid to us?
I worked it out. She's a trained hypnotist.
That's how she made us do all those things last night.
Just don't look directly at her and she won't be able to hypnotize us.
- Mmm! - Morning, Mr. Brown.
Morning. I'm off to work early this morning. There's a rush on at the mortuary.
Some bout of influenza at Archway is carrying off all the old folks.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Still, what's bad for them, good for us. [Chuckles]
Poor things.
Well, I know. That too. That too, of course. Yeah.
That's odd. She normally says, "Have a nice day at work, Mr. Brown,"
or "Don't forget your jacket, Mr. Brown," if it's cold out.
Very odd. Most peculiar.
Hmm.
- I did knock. - Did you?
I didn't hear. Mm-hmm.
I was talking to–
Never mind.
I believe the children will be staying in bed today.
The children? What, all day? Are they ill? What's wrong?
Nothing is wrong. I know precisely what to do. Please leave it to me.
Well, you did manage them splendidly last night.
If they are under the weather, though, do give them what they want.
Ice cream and jelly and suchlike.
My late wife was very particular in that regard. She–
If ever they were ill, she used to wait on them hand and foot.
Even if they weren't very ill at all.
I shall be sure to give them exactly what they need.
Excellent. Excellent. Well, I'll just be off to work then.
She's coming.!
[Simon] Remember, everyone, don't look in her eyes.
Dear me.
[Coughs] We can't get up. We're ill.
- Colds in our noses. - And "kempakug."
- We think it must be the measles. - Got measles.
Good heavens.
Then there is, of course, no question of your getting up.
I'm very sorry to have to tell you all that you'll have to stay in bed.
Hmm.
[Creaks]
[All Laughing]
- Huh. - I don't feel well.
- I think I've got a temperature. - Don't be daft.
[Grunting] Simon, I can't get up.
- You must have looked at her then. - I did not look.
I was under the covers the whole time, Simon, and I can't get up either!
- [Sebastian] I can't get up! - [Eric] I'm stuck like glue.
[Chrissie] I'm stuck too!
Ohh! Hypnosis, eh?
Bang goes that theory.
Morning.
[Together] Morning, Mr. B.! [Laughing]
Good morning, Mr. Jowls. Mr. Wheen.
[Together] Thought we'd get you that time.
- No, not this time. - Nice tea dance, Mr. B.?
- Oh, lovely, I shouldn't wonder. - No, I didn't even get there. Disaster. Children, you know.
- We do know. - We've said it before and we'll say it again, Mr. B.
- It's not funerals as you should be in the business of. - [Together] It's christenings.
[Both Laughing]
Good morning.
Just excuse me a moment, would you?
[Adelaide's Voice] Cedric, let me not beat about the bush.
Your children are out of control.
You need a wife and your children need a mother.!
If you do not remarry by the end of the month,
steps will have to be taken.!
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
[Sighs] What's your wife like?
Never mind. With less than a month to go, there's nothing for it.
It'll have to be that woman. The dreadful one.
- [Hammering] - Mr. Jowls, do you recollect that enthusiastic lady,
uh, Mrs. Swiftly, was it?
Was it Mrs. Thadius something or other, last year?
Mrs. Thadius Quickly. Oh, don't! Oh!
"Oh, Mr. Brown, you are a saint."
[Jowls and Woman, Together] You have a lovely look of kindness about you.
What I wouldn't give for a man like you, Mr. Brown, in my hour of need.
- That one? - Yes, that one.
[Jowls] We buried Mr. Quickly last autumn. Poor devil.
[Together] He was happy to go.
And he was her third. He was.
You don't happen to know i-i-if she ever– ever, um, remarried?
You know, number four? [Nervous Giggle] Mr. Brown.
You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you, Mr. Brown?
Good grief. No. No, no. No. No.
No, no, no. No. What a thought. No. No.
[Together] Oh!
[Gurgling] [Sebastian] What's that?
Measle medicine, to be administered once an hour.
Actually, I'm not sure it is measles.
How can it be anything other?
The chalky white faces, the livid spots.
- The temperatures of a 120 degrees. - [Sizzles]
I've seen it time and again. Measles.
Definitely.
[Gurgling]
- [Groaning] - Open.
[Tora] Simon, don't.
- I'm not taking that. - Then you will not get any better.
Believe me.
[Gurgling]
Open wide.
Wider. [Simon Grunting]
[Groans]
Eww!
[Eric] Simon, spit it out.
You'll have to swallow it sooner or later, so I suggest you get it over with.
[Groaning]
Very good. Who's next?
"Took." "He–"
"He took her lovingly–
He took her lovingly by the-the hand."
Oh! Nanny McPhee, you startled me.
It was that quiet. I-I just got to practicing my sounds.
Lily's teaching me to read.
- That is good. - Oh, they're all good, underneath it all.
A favorite of yours?
Don't know. Haven't finished it yet.
The stepmother's a bit of a horror though, ain't she?
Oh, indeed.
It's a pity stories aren't ever about real people.
This one seems a farm girl, but I'll bet a pound to a penny...
he finds out she's really an educated lady.
- And then he falls for her. - You must read it and find out.
He wouldn't love her if she couldn't read.
He'd think her stupid...
and worthless and beneath him.
Hmm.
Buttered spuds for lunch, with boiled beef, apple pie and custard.
Hmm.
I think the children will be requiring something a little more...
austere today.
- "Aus" what? - The children are not quite themselves, Mrs. Blatherwick.
Oh! God!
Well, that means jellies and ice cream and raspberry cordial and God only knows what else!
Well, I better get cracking then.
Evangeline.!
Where is that lump?
There'll be snow in August before that one's there when you need her.
Calm yourself, Mrs. Blatherwick.
I'm in charge today.
I understand that you were once in the armed forces.
I was that! Cooked at a training camp in Gloucestershire, I did.
And I kept those boys strong and all, I did.
I'm sure you did.
Perhaps a broth of some sort for the children.
You must be an expert.
Best thin potato gruel with peelings in.
That always got them groaning, but, by golly, it kept them strong.
Are you well supplied with peelings?
These will do. Only a day old.
Bit of gristle for flavor, ever so tasty.
[Laughing]
[Mrs. Blatherwick] Get that down you.
There's a lot of goodness in a turkey neck.
That'll put the hairs back on your chest.
[Inhales] Oh, smell that.
That is the smell that forged this empire.
That pong is the pong of conquerors.
All right, men. As you were.
They actually are starving us.
I wonder how long it will take for us all to die.
[Cat Meowing]
Quickly.
Quickly. Quickly. Quickly.
"Mrs. Selma Quickly."
Have you lazy lot been in bed all day?
- Evangeline. - You've been doing measles, haven't you?
The situation's very simple, Evangeline.
The nanny, who, in my opinion, is a witch,
made us ill and fed us boiled-down toads all day.
Nanny McPhee is not a witch, Eric, and you're very naughty to say so.
I'm sure she knew what she was doing. She must be fully trained.
Yes, but as what?
I'm unbelievably hungry, Evangeline. Can you please get us something decent to eat?
Did you just say please?
[All] Please, please, Evangeline.
Well, children, I hear you've been in bed all day...
- but that you're better now. - It wasn't our fault.
I'm sure it wasn't anybody's fault, Simon. Good heavens.
You can't help it if you're ill. But you're better now.
[Creaks]
Papa? Yes, Chrissie?
Now that we're better, can we get up?
- Um– - [All] Can we get up, please?
- Of course you can. - Read to us.
I, um, l-I have my letter writing to do.
I'll read to you tomorrow.
Good night, my dears.
Evangeline, would you be so kind as to ask Cook...
to make the children some scrambled eggs on toast?
I'm sure they'd all like a little supper now they're feeling so much better.
I'll do it myself, Nanny McPhee.
[Clears Throat]
Didn't she have two of those bumpy things?
The word is wart.
Traditionally associated with witches, as it happens.
Well, one of them's gone.
[Gasps]
I did knock.
Of course you did.
Lesson two– to get up when they're told– is complete.
Of course. Very good. Thank you.
Good night, Mr. Brown.
- Nanny McPhee. - Yes, Mr. Brown?
Didn't you used to have two–
Never mind. It's, uh, my imagination.
[Bell Rings]
There was a telegram, Mr. Brown.
Oh, my. Oh, my goodness!
Ah, Nanny McPhee. Morning. Good, good, good.
I have an announcement. Yes.
Your Great-Aunt Adelaide is coming for tea today.
- [Crying] - No!
Aunt Adelaide is vile and vicious.
She's as blind as a bat.! And we are convalescing, for heaven's sake.
There, that's enough. L-I don't want to hear anything bad about Aunt Adelaide. She pays the rent.
- She scares me. - Oh, come on now. She's only coming for tea.
I'm sure you'll all be very good and put your best clothes on...
and Nanny McPhee will keep you all in order, won't you, Nanny McPhee?
I shall do my best, sir, in consideration of the fact that today is Sunday...
and, as I'm sure you remember, I am off-duty this afternoon.
- Off-duty? - Hmm.
Well, you're off-duty when– Well, no, y-you can't be off-duty. L-I need you. I mean, th-they need you.
Sadly, I shall be leaving at noon. Thereafter, I'm sure the children will do exactly as they're told.
Won't you, children?
- [Sighs] - Listen to this, dear. Aunt Adelaide says,
"I am coming with the express intention of easing your financial burden."
Maybe she's thought the better of my having to remarry,
cost of a wedding, and so forth.
Perhaps I won't have to go through with it after all.
[Whinnies]
[Man Shouting]
I hate my best clothes. They're itchy.
Well, we promised. So that's that.
Tora's right. I think we should do exactly as we're told.
We've been told to put our best clothes on, haven't we?
Right. Well, I'm going to put my best clothes on...
- the pig. - Simon, no!
Yes! The pig!
- [Eric] You get the pig, I'll get the donkey. - Oh, please, don't.
[Cedric] Aunt Adelaide, welcome back. Where are you?
Here I am, Aunt Adelaide. Oh. Don't crowd me so.
You're looking very peely-wally, Cedric.
Where's my tea? I must have tea this instant. Of course. This way. At once.
I smell damp. [Sniffing]
No, no. At least, not noticeably.
Damp in the house. That would account for your pallid complexion.
What a lovely hat. A gift from the duchess of Kent. She has taste.
- I've always hated this room. - [Nervous Chuckle] Milk?
Certainly not. Filthy stuff. Most unhealthy.
- Sugar? - Six, if you please.
- Six. - Let me not beat about the bush, Cedric.
The problem with you is that you have too many children.
- Ah, that. - Don't interrupt.
I always said that your wife, my poor, weak-minded niece, had no sense of proportion.
However, I know where my duties lie.
I gave her my word that I would help.
And as you know, Cedric, my word is my law.
- I now propose to help you further. - Oh, thank you, Aunt Adelaide. Thank you.
Don't interrupt. Sit down.
[Adelaide] Now, this is my proposal.
I shall relieve you of one of your children...
and give it a home with me at Stitch Manor.
- [Thunder Rumbles] - [Gasps]
It will require sacrifice on my part, I realize that.
But as my sainted father always said–
"Duty, Adelaide, always duty."
But, Aunt Adelaide, you mustn't. I really can't possibly–
Thank me enough. I know. I realize you must feel quite overwhelmed by the benefits of such a plan.
As for your fortunate daughter– for it must, of course, be a girl and not one of those other things–
she will receive private tuition in literature, history, deportment...
and, above all, elocution.
If there's one thing I won't stand for, it's loose vowels.
But what did Papa say? He must have told her not to even think of it.
He didn't say anything.
Come on. Let's find the others.
Aunt Adelaide, I must speak frankly.
There really is absolutely no question of your taking– Hush, now!
I'm used to taking responsibility for other people's mistakes.
Now where is the bulk of your offspring?
- Ah, here we are! - [Snorting]
- [Screams] - Ohh!
- It was a bee. A big bee. - Good heavens.
Um...
gone now. Phew.
Hmm. You're not well, Cedric.
The sooner you find a good wife, the better.
- [Braying] - This should put her off wanting any of you girls.
[Snorting] Speak up, girl.
Oh, what an unfortunate face.
- All those bristles. - [Snorting]
It might be very hard to get her decently betrothed.
[Snorting]
Do you not have a more comely girl?
[Panting]
[Clucking]
Um, perhaps round the front of the house. Oh.
[Pig Snorting]
- [Braying] - Chrissie, hurry up.
[Braying]
- Tie it, Chrissie. - [Braying]
- [Screams] - [Simon] Eric, stop her.!
- Chrissie, stop. She'll see you.! - Papa!
Cedric, I had no idea that you had produced such an–
such an unattractive batch of females.
I shall leave directly. Get my hat.
Your hat? So soon? Really? No, you can't– I'll get it.
Hewitt!
No!
- Aha! - [Gasps]
Oh, yes. You'll do perfectly.
A little timid perhaps, but we'll soon knock that out of you.
Come on. Come on. It can't do any harm to try.
I can't seem to find your– What are you doing?
This is the chosen one. Get her ready.
The chosen one? Chrissie? Aunt Adelaide, you're not– Oh, shut up, Cedric, and do as you're told.
Nanny McPhee, we need you.
Nanny McPhee, please. We need you!
Where is my hat?
[Braying]
[Braying Continues]
My hat! How dare you!
[Creaks]
[Brays]
[Laughing]
Oh, my! What a merry game.
- Yoo-hoo! - My, my. What a pretty girl you are.
- ## [Whistling] - [Adelaide Laughing]
- Oh, this is the girl for me. - ## [Whistling Continues]
[Whispering, Indistinct] Such poise, such gaiety.
[Laughing] Ah. There you are, staff.
- Yes, madam. - I'm taking this child with me. Get her ready.
[Kissing]
- [Giggles] - [Giggles]
- Very well, madam. - Sherry time.
Do not forget that someone has to go with your great-aunt...
and it cannot be the donkey, can it?
[Tora] Well, I'm the eldest girl. I'll go.
[Lily] No. I've always known I was destined for tragedy. I'll go.
[Aggy] Aggy go.
Don't be silly, Aggy. You're not even a whole girl yet.
[Chrissie] No, she wanted me. I'll go.
[Sebastian] You can't all go.
Well, I am entirely satisfied.
I will keep my word, Cedric, if you will keep yours.
You must give those children a mother before the month is out.
No.
- What? - Aunt Adelaide, you cannot order me around,
and you certainly cannot take any of my children away from me.
L–
Your carriage awaits, madam.
Is the chosen one seated?
[McPhee] Indeed she is. Good.
All is prepared. Which chosen one? Wh-What's prepared?
Cedric, in view of this afternoon's happy outcome,
I'm willing to overlook that last unattractive outburst.
- Nanny McPhee! - Off we go, Hewitt!
She can't take the donkey. What have you done?
I have done nothing, sir. The children have decided amongst themselves.
Decided what? What do you mean?
[Adelaide] There you are, dear. Not little Chrissie.
[Whip Cracks] [Hewitt] Hyah.!
[Carriage Departing] Chrissie!
- [Hewitt] Hyah.! - [Whinnies]
Chrissie!
Hyah!
Chrissie!
Now then. You better tell me your name, little girl.
[Bleating]
Hyah!
- Christianna! - Don't be shy, my dear. What is your name?
[Whinnies] Hyah.!
Sit up straight and tell me your name.
No!
Christianna.! [Chrissie] Papa.!
[Footsteps Approaching]
Oh. Hold tight, my lambkin. I've got you. I've got you.
But if–Then– Then who's–
Evangeline. My name's Evangeline.
[Chuckles] And what a pretty name it is too.
Evangeline.
Oh.
[Whinnies]
Hyah! Hyah!
Time for bed.
Thank you for saving me, Nanny McPhee.
Mm-hmm.
Yes. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Hmm.
Papa was going to let her take me.
No, Christianna.
Your father would never have allowed it.
Hmm.
Good night, children. [All] Good night, Nanny McPhee.
She hasn't got any warts at all now. Do you think she's using some sort of cream?
[Chimes Jingle]
[Wind Whistles]
Thank you, Nanny McPhee. You were a tremendous help today.
Not at all.
I think you will find that lesson three–
to get dressed when they're told– is complete.
Just to get dressed when they're told?
Well, I think they've learned a great deal more than that.
I have five lessons to teach.
What lessons they learn is entirely up to them.
- Good night, Mr. Brown. - Nanny McPhee.
Yes, Mr. Brown.
She will be all right, won't she? Evangeline, I mean.
It's just that l– I can't help being concerned.
Aunt Adelaide can be so, um– Well, you saw.
She will certainly be all right.
Good.
I suppose she volunteered to go, did she?
Couldn't wait to be shot of us, I imagine, could she?
Not quite.
It was Simon's idea. He knew Evangeline might like to educate herself...
and that her going would save Christianna.
He's a very clever boy, you know.
Good heavens. Simon, eh?
Well, good for him. Quick– Quick thinking.
Good night, Mr. Brown.
So that's it then.
I shall have to marry Quickly.
[Children Giggling]
[Clears Throat]
Children, your father has asked me to tell you...
there's a Mrs. Quickly coming for tea tomorrow.
Nanny McPhee.
- Yes, sweetheart? - Can you stop Papa from marrying a horrible old stepmother?
I'm afraid not.
Even if you wanted to?
Even if I wanted to.
I cannot interfere... with affairs of the heart.
Perhaps Simon could talk to him about it.
He won't listen.
[Seagull Squawks]
You have a visitor, Mr. Brown.
An especially eager visitor, Mr. Brown. Mmm.
Quickly by name–
Oh.
Simon, my boy.
Well, come in.
Come on. I won't bite.
Father, there's something we want to ask you.
Well, of course.
Of course. Anything at all. Ask away.
Who is Mrs. Quickly?
Good heavens. Such a face. She's, uh–
She's– She's a friend. She's... a friend.
Just a friend? Well, let's face it, my boy.
It's not– not exactly any of your business, is it now?
- It is if you're going to make us have her as a new mother. - Who said anything about a new mother?
It is true, isn't it? You are going to marry her, aren't you?
You go too far, Simon.
It is not your place to question–
- But I didn't– - Don't contradict me!
- I'm not– I'm just– - You are children. You do not understand the adult world.
You know, there are– there are certain things that–
Certain things–
You will leave me this instant. Go home at once! Go! Home!
You never listen!
[Door Slams]
Nanny McPhee?
[Wood Creaks]
[Thud]
Hello, Simon.
Can I help you?
L– I did knock.
I know. I heard you.
May I be of assistance?
Uh,
we need you to, um–
I mean, you saved Chrissie,
and so—
You're on our side, is what I mean.
Aren't you?
You saved Chrissie, and I do not take sides.
L–
We... need you to help us get rid of this woman, Mrs. Quickly.
It will not surprise you to hear that I cannot agree to that, Simon.
Then at least will you promise to let us do whatever we have to do to get rid of her?
Are you prepared to accept the consequences?
- Yes. - You promise?
Yes. Yes, absolutely. I promise.
Hmm. Then I will,
as you put it,
let you do whatever you have to do.
Thank you.
[Quacking] [Screams]
Look at them! Will you just look at them?
[Chuckles] Aw.
The little, small things.
Children, this is, um, Mrs. Quickly.
Oh, you mustn't start off on so formal a footing.
You must call me Auntie Selma.
Oh, dear me. One does work up such a thirst in this heat.
[Chuckles]
Oh. Tea. Yes, of course. Do go through. I'll, um–
And leave these dear creatures? How can you ask it of me?
Oh, the heart of the house.
Yes, yes. The old bachelor's den.
Mmm. Well, l– I, um– Isn't it enchanting?
Yes. Oh! Have you read all those books?
Well, I, um– Clever.
Mmm. Why don't you, um, take my chair? It's by far the most comfortable. Thank you. Ooh!
Well, what have we here?
I see there is already provision for a lady.
How thoughtful you are.
What a gentleman.
Uh, wait!
Um, just let me make it, um, comfy for you.
Too, too precious.
Here in the center of the male dominion,
an oasis of feminine charm and elegance.
There. Just as I thought. It was dusty.
- Just needs– needs a good old thump. - [Groans]
There. All thumped and ready to go.
There you go again. Nothing is too much trouble for you.
I remember observing upon that very characteristic on the sad day we buried Mr. Quickly.
Oh. Even in the state of my demented grief,
I said to my friend, Miss Letitia Carter– You remember her. A pinker complexion than my own.
She takes a little too much sun for her age.
Anyway, I said, "Kindness seems to be second nature to him.
- He is a perfect gentleman. There's something so masculine–" - It's on her head.
"Yet retiring in his manner, you could almost–"
[Yelps] Mr. Brown!
[Giggling]
- Un moment, I pray you. - I do beg your pardon.
- I don't know what came over me. - I do.
I understand. I never took you for such.
But now I see it.
Passion is clearly your nature too.
I feel it.
Who would have thought we were such kindred spirits?
Passion is my life. In fact, Mr. Brown,
what is life without it?
- Ah– - A gray wheel of habit–
- Go on. - Spinning idly on.
Mmm.
Mmm.!
This is no time for food, Mrs. Quickly.
- Selma. - I couldn't possibly swallow it, under the circumstances.
You're tempestuous, Mr. Brown.
Tea?
Yes. Tea.
We must blanket the raw impulse with that reliable beverage.
[Croaks]
- That's a nice bit of porcelain. Is it Spode? - [Croaks]
I like a bit of Spode. Tasteful. [Croaking]
Anyway, it's so essential for upholding the normal–
You don't want that!
How right you are.
You see into my inmost self.
What is tea when we can drink from the nectar of our emotions?
Let the common herd drink tea.
Our souls need a more divine libation.!
[Screams]
Oh.! You mad fool.!
I say. No, no. Not here amongst the cutlery.
I say! [Laughs]
I must go before I leave my reputation in tatters on this rug.
It's a lovely rug, by the way. Is it Chinese silk?
Must escape before all is lost.
Wait!
Heavens to Betsy.
You are inflamed!
How does a lonely widow hope to best you?
- What defenses does she have? - [Groans]
All it takes is one little question, Cedric, and I'm yours. Yes. I see.
Ask me. Ask me, or you'll lose me forever.
Oh, no. Absolutely.
Say it. Say it.
Say it. Just say it.
No!
Oh! No!
This is too much, sir!
You are a cad!
A bounder and a cad! [Sobbing]
[Children Giggle]
Yes! Yeah!
[Simon] Papa's coming.
She's gone.
The only person in the whole world who stands between all of us...
and total ruin,
and she's gone.
What's "ruin"?
There's no time to mince words.
I can't support my own family.
I never have been able to. There are so many of you.
[Chuckles] But you are all so delicious.
And when Aggy came along and your mother was so ill, l–
I said to her, "I think we're going to have to stop now, dear," and she said–
She said, "I know."
The fact of the matter is...
your Great-Aunt Adelaide has been supporting us for years with a monthly allowance.
A little while ago, she told me...
that I had to remarry, or the allowance would stop.
This woman today was– was my last chance.
Our last chance.
Ours?
When the money stops, the house will be taken.
Some of you will perhaps be put into the workhouse.
Some will be put into the care–
into the care of others.
I don't know how many of you will be allowed to stay together.
I'm sorry to have failed you, children.
You deserve so much better.
Do something.
- What would you suggest? - Change what happened.
Bang your stick. Make it undo itself.
I cannot. These were your own actions.
Simon promised that you would accept the consequences.
What shall we do? Help us, Nanny McPhee! Tell us what to do!
You must undo it for yourselves.
How? How?
Think.
You are very clever, children.
Think.
[Women Laughing]
- [Letitia] So, he was keen? - Keen?
Oh, Letty, he was in a maddened condition.
He couldn't keep his hands off me.
But I held firm. I said, "Shedric–"
I mean, "Cedric, I have my reputation to uphold.
"It's marriage or nothing!
What do you take me for? Some common–" [Knocking]
Tart? Not for me. I'm bloated.
No. "Some common tart." You said– [Knocking]
Who's that knocking? [Gasps] It might be him.
[Gasps]
If you've come to fumble with my fas–
Oh.
Mrs. Quickly,
we're very sorry about the tea you had with our father.
Typical of a man, sending his little ones to do the dirty work.
No. He doesn't know we're–
What I mean is, he very much wants to marry you.
It was all too clear what he wanted, and marriage had nothing to do with it. No wonder there's so many of you.
Wait.! Father wasn't being rude.
No one on earth could be less rude.
He was trying to protect you from the naughty things we were doing.
The toad in the teapot. And the wormy sandwiches.
That was my idea!
I mean, my fault.
I have no idea to what you can be referring.
Don't try to make excuses for him.
- He's a flounder and a gad. - No, he's not.
He's a good man. He was just trying to save us.
'Cause if he doesn't marry, well, all the money will go,
and we'll be thrown out onto the streets. Money? What money?
Our Great-Aunt Adelaide's money.
Lady Adelaide Stitch.
Lady? Mmm.! [Chuckles]
Mr. Brown!
Mrs. Quickly! Your children have explained everything to me!
Explained? That their little tricks during tea...
was just a natural result of their motherless condition–
that they only need a woman's presence in the house to calm their tempers...
and that you could benefit quite as much from that comforting presence,
pathetic and lonely as you are.
And all it takes... is one little question, Cedric.
[Clears Throat]
Oh. Oh, y– Uh, yes. Yes, of course.
[Clears Throat] Um, just give me– Um, yes.
Mrs. Quickly– Selma.
Yes. I mean Selma.
Would you do me the honor...
of becoming my–
Wife.
Exactly. "Wife." That's the word.
Yes! Oh, yes, Cedric!
Mmm!
Off you go now, dears.
Let Daddy have a little moment to himself with your new mummy.
[Chattering]
I'm sorry.
I should have told you. I can see that now.
If I had discussed matters with you beforehand, we wouldn't be in all this awful mess, would we?
No. It was our fault.
We should have known you had a good reason for getting married again.
Well, whatever happens, at least this way we'll all be together.
That's what matters most, isn't it? Hmm?
And I promise I'll never hide anything that affects us from you again.
I can see you're all more than capable of understanding it.
Papa.
Yes, my boy?
Do you think Mama still thinks about us where she is?
I'm sure she does.
I know she does.
##[Woman Vocalizing]
[Cedric] Now, Chrissie, why don't you choose us a story?
# Tiptoe by #
[McPhee] Lesson four is complete.
#In your tiny silver #
#Shoon # Lesson four?
To listen. # Will you guard #
# Will you keep #
Well done.
# Will you watch over, please #
#My wee ones #
#My lambkins #
#My sweet chicka-chickadees #
#Loola-bye #
# Oh, loola-bye #
#In your tiny #
#Silver #
#Shoon ##
[Bells Ringing] [Lamb Bleats]
The big day! I do love my weddings.
[Letitia] Mr. Brown–What's he really like?
No idea. Keen as mustard to tie the knot though. Couldn't sort all this out quick enough for him.
Only got the sheep-dip yesterday. But he's easily controlled.
That's more than can be said for his nasty little brood. How ever will you manage them, Selma?
Oh. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Never you mind.
I've started off by giving them a good cleanup.
Oh, don't they look lovely? [Lambs Bleating]
[Ringing Continues]
Sebastian, your top button in undone.
Lily, you have a little hair caught in your crook. Eric, help her, please.
Your father will be down in a moment.
Now, that is an improvement.
Letty, go keep a lookout.
I say, whatever your name is,
don't suppose you could give me a second on my own with the little darlings?
Now, my dears,
there's going to be some changes made round here.
I'm in charge of this household now.
And while I'm in charge, you children will behave.
Do you hear?
- Behave. - [RattleJingling]
Behave.
[Jingling]
We're not having any of that nasty noise...
all the all the way through my nice wedding either.
[Crying]
Shut her up.
Shh.
Naughty.
It's our mother's rattle. Give it back.
I'm your mother now.
Time to adapt.
Hmm.
Papa, Mrs. Quickly– Shh!
Yoo-hoo, Cedric.
I realize the bride and groom shouldn't meet until the ceremony,
but after all, you and I are old hands at this, are we not?
- [Carriage Approaching] - [Horse Whinnies]
She's here! Lady Stitch! Selma, there's footmen.
Oi! Oi!
Oh! Get off!
[Quickly Grumbles]
Where's the woman, then?
Aunt Adelaide, how lovely– Shut up.!
Where's the woman, Cedric? Aunt Adelaide,
may I present my fiancée, Mrs. Selma Quickly.
Selma, this is Lady Stitch. Your Ladyness.
Welcome, if I may be so bold, to our humble– nay, lowly festivities.
You shower glory upon us from above.
The very air about you shines with–
with–
with..."aboveness."
A gracious welcome, I must say. Rise, my dear.
And here are the children in their, um, shepherdess outfits.
- Well, that's girls, obviously. The boys– - Oh!
Actually, I'm not quite sure what they are, but, um– Anyway, you can see.
Oh, keep up, will you?
Who is that?
It's a princess.
A fairy princess.
It's Evangeline.
Straight back. Remember your vowels.
May I present my adopted daughter,
Miss Evangeline Stitch.
What are we doing, milling about in this dreary vestibule?
Sherry this instant!
Might I beg the honor of pouring the privileged schooners myself?
Delectable to see you again, madam.
Blinkin' hell.
And how nice to see the young people.
Welcome back, Evangeline.
You look well. Are you well?
I am most content.
You must be very happy to be marrying again.
Oh, yes. I'm– I'm–
How did you put it? Most content.
Of course. Good grief.
I am so glad.
[Adelaide] Evangeline.
Pray, excuse me.
Are you sure it's Evangeline? It doesn't look anything like her.
Nonsense. She's always looked like that.
- ## ["Here Comes The Bride"] - [Bleating]
## [Humming]
- [Bleating] - Hmm.
What can we do? We've got to help him.
- There has to be another way. - Behave!
Beehive.
You must do as you're told.
- Behave! - Beehive.
[McPhee] Lesson number five, Simon.
You must do exactly as you're told.
##[Continues]
## [Ends] [Lamb Bleats]
- Beehive. - Beehive?
Please be seated.
There isn't a beehive. What do you mean?
[Priest] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together...
in the sight of God...
and in the face of this congregation...
tojoin together this man...
and this woman in holy matrimony,
which is an honorable estate,
instituted of God in the time of man's innocence–
[Whispering]
- [Whispering] - And commended of Saint Paul–
- [Whispering] - [Buzzing]
- To be honored among all men. - [Simon] Get off!
- [Children Buzzing] - [Priest] And, uh–
- Get off! - Is therefore not, by any man...
- to be enterprised– - [Children Shouting]
- Nor taken in hand unadvisedly– - [Buzzing]
Lightly, wantonly–
[Tora] There's one on your back. [Buzzing Continues]
To satisfy men's carnal lusts–
It's the flowers on her dress! They're attracting them!
I hate bees. I'm allergic.
There aren't any bees, you fool! Get on with it! No. Truly.
- I swell up! - Don't you see? They're trying to ruin my lovely wedding!
Nasty, vicious creatures. Do something!
[Buzzing Continues]
Cedric, look at me.
Do you see any bees?
[Buzzing Continues]
[Quickly] I said look at me.!
Do you see any bees? Do you?
Do you? I do!
[Gasps]
It's all right. Got the little bugger.
[Gaping] It's on me!
- Oh! - Lord love a duck!
[Giggling]
I'm– I'm so dreadfully sorry.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
[Gasps] Oh, my Lord. Your Highness.
[Children Laughing]
[Laughing]
- What are you doing? Don't touch– - Get the tarts!
[Blatherwick] Not me fresh–
[Chrissie] She hit me.!
Attack.!
Not the cake! Not the cake!
Right! I'll have the lot of ya!
Simon, bowling practice.
[Gasps]
[Children Chattering]
Evangeline! Where are your manners?
Sod my manners, you old trout. This is the first fun I've had in weeks!
Oh, Lord.
Letty, my hair. Where is it?
"Look at them.
The little, small things."
That's it.! You dreadful, awful,
monstrous creatures.!
Take your hands off my children. Cedric, it's over!
I won't spend another minute with this rabble!
And I don't care how much the old hag is giving you.
Letty, the lambs!
[Lambs Bleat]
Oh, come on! The dress is ruined!
I haven't got another one! Absolute carnage!
A nice choice for a wife, I must say, Cedric!
I'm very sorry, Aunt Adelaide. You gave me no time to find anyone else.
As for your children, a lengthy spell...
in a corrective institution is long overdue.
And you, Evangeline–
I can see that you are as wild as the rest of them.
And proud to be!
I love them, Lady Stitch, which is more than you do.
Insolence! I'd leave you here to rot,
but I gave my word that I would raise you as my own.
And I never, ever break my word. Come away now!
Wait. Aunt Adelaide, wait.
You agreed that you gave your word to our father...
that ifhe remarried before the month was up, you'd carry on supporting us.
I did.
So, if he marries today, you'll have to keep your word.
- Isn't that so? - Oh, you're wasting my time.
No. No.
No, I'm not.
- He will marry today. - What?
- [Together] What?
- What? - Who?
He'll marry Evangeline.
Incest?
No. No, Aunt Adelaide. Evangeline isn't our sister.
- Not your sister? - Of course she's not our sister.
Well, who is she then?
I'm his scullery maid.
- What? - Evangeline, do you love Papa?
Of course not.
I know my place. That wouldn't be right. I mean,
yes.
Papa, do you love Evangeline?
What are you saying? That–That would be totally improper.
I mean, a thing like that could– could never happen. I mean, obviously–
Yes.
He's marrying a scullery maid?
[Gasps]
[Creaks]
##[Woman Vocalizing]
[Girl] Look! It's snowing!
[Chuckles] Well, I never! Snow!
Snow in August!
I take it then, Mr. Brown,
that the young lady is not in fact the fruit of your loins? Oh.
Because I'm here to tell you that the Church would have to take a rather dim view of it if she were.
No. In fact, what happened was my son Simon, who's a very clever boy–
Evangeline.
For the record, whatever I may have said about stepmothers–
that whole "evil breed" moment–
most emphatically does not apply to you.
- This way. - Uh, jolly good.
If I may then invite you all to join us once more?
Hallelujah.
Oh, Nanny McPhee.
I'm so nervous. Deep breaths.
I don't look much like a bride, do I?
You will.
##[Chorus Vocalizing]
##[Vocalizing Continues]
How's the reading coming along?
It's much better.
But I still haven't got to the end of that story. No need.
You are the end of the story.
##[Vocalizing Continues]
[Priest] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together...
to join together this man and this woman...
in holy matrimony.
Make a loud noise and rejoice...
and sing praise.
[Jingling]
[McPhee's Voice] There is something you should understand about the way I work.
When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay.
When you want me, but no longer need me,
then I have to go.
[Creaks]
[Squeaks]
[Creaks]
[Croaking]
[Croaks]
Yoo-hoo.
[Creaks]
##[Chorus Vocalizing]
##[Continues]
##[Ends]
[Stick Creaks] [Thud]