Oh, I'm sorry.
It's so hot in here...
and I can't figure this stupid thing out.
I signed the papers.
Wow.
How are you feeling?
Terrible.
Francis was there. Obviously, he was there.
It was really hard to see him.
And he signed so fast.
I at least pretended to look things over one last time.
He sounds terrified to me.
It's going to take a while.
I mean, nine years, Rafi.
You can't just walk away from that kind of time.
The crazy thing is...
I'm out of this marriage, what, five minutes...
and all of a sudden I just...
I find myself thinking about...
a baby.
Why now? And why didn't I think about this when I was married?
Well, I mean, you know...
on a certain level, you knew this was not the right man.
So you were protecting yourself in that way.
That was a good thing.
Oh, Rafi, you're coming alive again.
You know, you just want all the things...
that you had to forget that you could have.
That's a very good place to move into.
And the baby thing will happen...
when it's the right time.
But just focus on the now.
For now.
Hey, Dave, it's Morris...
Listen, I got a favor to ask you.
I went out with this girl the other night.
And she told me never to call her again. You know how that goes.
So I'm gonna need you to come with me this time.
Don't freak out, all right?
I don't know how to get to Bay Ridge. I'm not sure.
Bye.
I don't understand why I have to be a part of this.
You have an incurable sickness.
It's okay, though. I understand.
But why am I being involved?
- How are you being involved? - Because I'm in the car.
I'm going to be a witness to this. That makes me an accessory.
What, like a handbag? Morris.
So who's it this time?
You know what? Don't... I don't wanna know. Don't tell me.
Her father's probably in waste management or something.
What I would like to know is why no girl will go out with you twice.
One date, it's over. What do you do? What do you say?
You know, it's a mystery to me, too.
Are you a hermaphrodite? Do you have hantavirus?
This is it. Come on.
All right, just make this quick.
I gotta meet Michelle at the movies a little later.
Michelle? God. Just make it quick.
- Hi. - What the hell are you doing here?
I told you I never wanted to see you again.
I just want to talk. Just come out here and let's talk.
I can't believe you came to my house.
- You have no respect for women. - I don't, I'm sorry.
You hurt my feelings, you piece of shit.
- Okay. Okay. - I can't believe you're here.
Okay? Okay?
Mikey! Okay, I'm gonna go.
Joey, come out here!
- Mikey! Joey! Come out here! - Mikey? Joey?
Go! Get in the car! Get in the car!
Go, go, go!
Oh, shit!
It's not funny.
- Meeting Michelle. - Yeah.
What are you going to see, Beaches?
You're the wind beneath my wings, Mo.
Hey, did you ever know you were my hero?
- Have fun. - All right, man.
Dave.
Randall.
No, no, I remember your name.
How you doing? Hi.
- What's going on? - Nothing much.
This is my friend Katherine and this is my friend Rafi.
- Hi. - Hi.
So what are you doing here?
Well, I thought I'd see a movie. Right.
Why? Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?
- What? - It's okay. Just tell me.
My God, this kid is funny. Where did you get him?
Well, he works at Travelart and we had that client...
Hey.
- Randall. - I'm sorry.
- Hi. Michelle. - Michelle.
- You have your tickets yet? - No, we're gonna get tickets.
- Are you seeing this? - Yeah.
- You are? - Yeah.
That's great. We're...
- I'll see you in there. - Okay, good. We'll be in...
Get in the bun.
It's locked.
What?
The door. It won't open.
So, does this happen to you a lot?
Actually, not often enough.
So what are we gonna do?
Wait till somebody comes out.
Right.
Thank you. Yeah.
So, how long have you guys been dating?
- Couple of weeks. - We're not dating.
Okay. Next question.
I mean, we only went out twice before this.
- Do you consider that dating? - I guess I did.
I'm sorry.
I mean, to me, dating sounds more serious.
Like you've already been going out for a couple of months, like...
Maybe you don't live together...
but you definitely stay over a couple of nights a week.
You don't worry about who paid for the last meal anymore.
You've seen each other pee, you know?
More serious kind of stuff.
Then what do you call this?
Well, that's it.
There are officially no cute boys left here.
All right. It's so nice to get out.
- It was nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.
- Dave. Very nice to see you. - Good night.
Bye. Nice to meet you.
One, two, three, four.
Just fucking call her.
Hello.
Hello?
- Hello? - Hi. It's Dave...
Bloomberg.
Did you just call me?
Yes.
We get disconnected?
No.
Did you hang up?
Uh-huh.
They say it's better to lie sometimes...
but I can't really do that when I'm this nervous.
I think I need to be in a better place.
I like it better this way. I've been around enough lying to say so.
You had a lot of liars in your life, huh?
- What? - Shit.
Would you like to go out to dinner with me tomorrow?
David, I'm making a sandwich. Do you want one?
No, I'm fine!
- Who's that? - That's my roommates.
So, do you want to have dinner?
- Yes. - Yeah?
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Okay, Grandma.
So, what kind of sandwich are we talking about?
Hi, I'm here to see Rafi Gardet. My name's Dave.
Raphael. It's Damien.
Yeah. There's a...
It's Dave.
Dave here to see you.
Okay.
She'll be right down.
Bubbles here, I like that.
It's a good touch.
Is that wool? Looks itchy. Is it itchy?
I think it's the biggest contradiction in the world.
Jews eat carp, okay?
Who eats carp? They don't serve it in restaurants.
Have you ever seen carp on a menu in your life?
Please, answer me honestly.
- No. - No. You know why?
Because it's disgusting.
But for all this terrible food...
you've never seen a people so obsessed with it in your life.
It's a remnant. I'll bet every immigrant group...
that was displaced by World War II puts a lot of emphasis on food.
I mean, it was scarce.
Carp is cheap, right? It was probably a staple of their diet.
What is this, the History Channel? You trying to kill this for me?
Come on. Sorry. Fine, go ahead.
Okay, so my friend Morris...
So I think you're gonna love this place. It's beautiful.
No one's ever there.
- Can I see some ID? - Sure.
- Love when that happens. - Yeah.
I wish I still got carded.
- Excuse me, Dave. - Yes.
Quick question for you. How old are you?
Actually, I don't speak Vietnamese. Why do you ask?
- Are you being evasive? - I am trying.
You know, I don't tell my age.
I think people get way too caught up with the number.
I'm 37. Did you know that?
You know, I hadn't really thought about it.
Sure you hadn't.
Look, I know you're a lot younger than me.
I'd just like to know, you know, how much.
Okay, let me guess.
- Twenty-nine. - No.
Really? Older?
- You don't look 30 to me. - Thanks.
I'm 23.
No, you're not.
I don't believe you. Let me see the license.
Oh, my God. You're a child.
Taxi! I have T-shirts older than you.
- They let me drive, okay? - Yeah, with a parent in the car.
How come you seem so much older to me?
I don't know. I don't know if I can do this.
Come on.
- Can you hold this? - Sure.
- Are we gonna get in trouble? - I hope so.
This place is amazing.
I can't believe I've walked by this for 15 years...
and I didn't know it was here.
Let's have it.
What?
How did you know?
Okay. His name is David...
and he's really, really nice.
I mean, sweet.
And I met him a few days ago and he asked me out on a date.
And we went out to dinner...
and we kissed.
I like beer.
- Good. - I mean, no, I...
I never used to. I had to learn, 'cause nobody in my family drinks.
You're lucky, 'cause everyone in my family drinks.
No, I mean, my family, they don't drink anything.
It's like Salt Lake City.
They'll have maybe a sip of wine every Friday night, on the Sabbath.
That's it, though, and it's Manischewitz.
I've never had that.
You like High-C?
'Cause my mom, she likes to keep the wine in the fridge...
and we'll still be drinking it three months later.
- A good chardonnay can last... - Yeah. It's red.
That's not good.
- Hey, by the way. Things to avoid. - Okay.
Beginning sentences with, "My mom."
Right.
I'm all over it.
However old you are, I have to say...
I haven't had this much fun in a really long time.
I'm glad I met you.
I gotta tell you...
you're making me nervous in a way I'm not really familiar with.
My God, Lisa, what am I doing? I only got divorced last week.
Easy, easy. It's okay.
You didn't tattoo his name on your toochis, did you?
Do you want to save some of that for later?
What? What is it?
He's...
- He's only 27. - And?
What do you mean, "and"? I mean, that's 10 years different.
He could be my brother.
If he were one year younger, he could be your brother.
Aren't you embarrassed for me? I mean...
this just smells of "pool boy at Sandals Resort."
Oh, it's fine. It might even do you some good...
if you know what I mean.
- Lisa! - What?
There's nothing to be ashamed of. You're both at your sexual peak.
- So you approve? - Yes.
Unequivocally. Yes, this is good.
But it can't really go anywhere. You know, I mean, he's...
He's so young.
Yeah, but it's a little early to be worrying about that.
And besides, you're not looking to get married next week, right?
Enjoy your life a little bit.
You deserve this.
Twenty-seven. Hell, I deserve this!
No, she's not Jewish.
Mom, I'm not trying to kill you.
Yes, I want you to be alive to see your grandchildren.
Your Jewish grandchildren, Mom.
No, I didn't know that you wanted to be buried in Israel.
Mom, I'm not gonna talk about this over the phone right now, okay?
I'll see you tomorrow.
I love you, too. Bye.
- Hey, Dave. - Hi, D.
Where's Mom?
I told you to hang it up, Dinah!
Hey, guys.
You left the bathroom light on this morning.
Jeff Rosenberg's son got engaged yesterday.
To a speech therapist.
- Hey, boychik. - Hi, Dad.
We have to talk about our last phone conversation.
Mom. It's good to see you, too.
- I'm not kidding around. - Okay, I can...
I can just tell that this is gonna be...
some sort of disciplinary action, not a talk.
All right. We'll be sure to make it a talk, then.
Now can you help your sister set the table, please?
Sure.
And take the wine out of the fridge.
- Has he called yet? - The next night.
- Nice. - I know. I'm not used to this.
Did you guys make a plan to go out again?
He wanted to have dinner with me tomorrow night.
But I have a flight early Sunday morning.
When I told him I had to go to Paris, he goes:
"That's a bit drastic for a bad date.
"Do you really need to leave the country?"
- This kid's funny. - Please don't use that word.
Right, sorry. He's humorous.
- What are you doing? - Drinking.
- He's having Scotch. - Mom, I'm 23. It's fine.
What, what, what?
Tomorrow, gonna go to shul, gonna pray that everybody...
is gonna have a happy...
Dinah, you know, since you told me about computers...
- Mom, let him finish. - He's finished.
I've become so...
Then why do you have to do this?
There are so many other women that you could go out with.
And I've encouraged you to branch out...
in any other way that you like, but just not this.
Why do you have to do this?
What do you mean, "do this"?
Do what? Incur the wrath of God?
Why are you getting yourself into trouble?
I'm not getting married, Mom. I'm just seeing what's out there.
You make it out like we live in the Warsaw ghetto.
It's the Upper West Side. We're strong in numbers here.
So you're still planning on marrying someone Jewish?
Yes. Sure. Okay?
But then I don't understand why you need to go down this road.
You may end up getting hurt for nothing.
Or worse, hurting her.
Don't you value your culture and your history?
Well, it's not one or the other, Mom.
But if you're smart enough to know...
that it makes sense to marry someone from the same background...
and it does, any of the studies will show you that...
as far as the divorce rates go.
Then you should be smart enough to know...
not to start something where nothing can come of it.
You're only going to make a mess.
I can't even believe what you're saying.
Do you hear what you're saying?
- What? - You're a therapist.
You would never tell that to a patient.
Not true, not true.
I encourage my patients to have relationships...
within their respective faiths. It's easier.
I encourage them to go to mosque, or church, or whatever.
I think religion is...
paramount in a person's life.
Okay, well, yes...
but encouraging them is different from discouraging them.
And I know that you draw the line there.
Would you tell one of your patients not to date someone...
that they don't think they're gonna marry...
Oh, quit asking me what I tell my patients.
They're not my children.
How old is she?
She's 27. What?
She's four years older than you? Oh, David.
Drop it now. It's only going to end badly.
Maybe if you met her, you might think...
I'm not going to meet her. Oh, my God.
Are you out of your mind?
Mom, do you...
You sound like an after school special.
Don't do this.
I'm doing it.
On your own then.
Hey, what's up, man?
Cool.
Do you need anything or... No?
- Go on up. She's expecting you. - Thank you. Give me...
Five? Thumbs up?
Smile? No?
We'll get there.
- Hi. - Hi.
Come on in.
- Thanks for the soup. - Yeah.
- It's chicken noodle. - It's hot.
Wow.
This place is huge.
I'm not even going to ask what you pay.
I don't want to know. It's Rothko.
I've never seen this one before. What year is this?
1954.
It's probably my single favorite piece of art.
Yeah, I love how he never titled any of his work.
It's beautiful. Luminous.
What is this?
Sentimental Mood.
- You never heard Coltrane before? - No.
- What, am I in trouble now? - No.
No, it's just...
He's a pretty famous jazz musician.
Oh. So, is this that Negro music that everybody's talking about?
'Cause I had no idea.
I have to wake up in five hours.
Do you want me to go?
Take off your sweater.
Wait. Does this involve dancing?
'Cause my corns, they've been killing me and...
Take it off. It's coming with me.
All right.
I really like her.
She's only been gone two days, she comes back tomorrow.
I miss her already. I never felt this before.
It's just 'cause you haven't slept with her yet.
No, that's definitely not it.
I really like her, man. I don't know, I mean...
- I think I could love her. - What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, what was I saying?
I don't know, man. There is something about this girl...
Like, you know that feeling that you get...
when you're in a room with someone...
and even though you may not know them...
or understand them completely...
you just know that you're in the presence of greatness?
- You know? - Like when you come to my apartment.
And she old, man, she a time-fighter.
She's so fine, bro.
I don't know.
I just feel like it's gonna end badly, I do.
- You sound like my mother. - Yeah.
- Hey, Morris! - All right!
What the hell am I listening to you for?
I'm in a bakery shopping for a pie...
so you can put it in some girl's face...
who wouldn't let you get down her pants.
- When was the cream pie made? - Today.
- Today? - Yeah.
- Nice. I'll take that one. - Awesome.
So what's with Dave?
Is he really serious about this girl, or what?
I don't know.
So what is she? Catholic? Episcopalian?
I didn't ask.
Would you prefer one denomination over another...
as far as the love of Christ goes?
- Your father's gonna flip. - Yeah.
And it's too bad your mom isn't around for this.
It would have gone over real big with her, too.
So, what are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Have you ever had ikura with quail egg?
No. What is that?
I swear it's like having sex.
- That's a bold claim. - You want to try it?
How am I gonna say no now?
- That's amazing. - I know.
What?
So, how was your trip?
- Who cares? - Okay.
Well, this sounds really good.
That's what I'm hearing.
It was amazing.
He's really very sweet.
I didn't have an orgasm, though.
Completely normal.
There are so many trust issues there.
You just have to give it time.
I'm willing to do the work.
God damn it.
Do you still worry about his age?
Definitely.
I mean, I was thinking last night, there are some countries...
where I could get arrested for this. I mean, 23?
I thought you said he was 27.
Did I?
I did.
I'm sorry.
I lied to you about that.
Why do you think you lied?
I was...
I mean, I am embarrassed by his age.
I mean, he's just so young.
What does he do?
He's an artist.
I'm not an artist.
I thought you said you were a painter.
No. I said I like to paint.
But it's a hobby. I mean, you have to work, too.
He doesn't call himself that, but that's what he is.
He has some issue with it.
His family doesn't support him in his work at all.
Hmm.
Where does he live?
Grand Street. Lower East Side.
I haven't been there yet.
He has roommates, and so I'm not exactly running over.
Okay.
Our time is up.
And I will see you on...
On Monday.
Of course.
Are you okay?
Yes. No.
Yes. I mean, I'm fine, because I have to be somewhere.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
Shit, shit, shit...
shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, shit.
So what the hell am I supposed to do now, end treatment?
Keep going?
Bring them in for a couples session?
Well, if this doesn't go anywhere...
And I really don't think it will.
Then you'll be relieved you stayed with her now.
If you end her treatment...
and they break up after two weeks...
you will not have served her best interests.
So what are you saying? That I should keep treating her?
If you think it's just a fling, yes.
But that sounds crazy. Is that even ethical?
Your job is to help her.
That's your ethical boundary.
Okay.
Forgetting all the professional implications of the moment...
how are you feeling?
I'm a wreck.
Rita, she's not even Jewish.
If she were Jewish...
would you feel better about him dating a 37-year-old divorcee?
Where are we going?
I just gotta stop by work for a second.
- What's up, Gil? - Hey, what's up, Dave?
- How you doing, man? - All right.
- Did you set it up? - Oh, yeah.
- This is Rafi. - Hi.
- Pleasure. - Gil.
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
Come here. Something else I want to show you.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Go, go, go!
Quit ignoring me!
Come on, Dave, I'm open.
Get it in there!
- Foul, man! Foul! - Stay off me. Stay off me.
I've told you twice now. You've been warned.
Hi.
It's incredible. It's amazing.
I'm sorry, your bra is showing. Is it missing a button there?
No. No. That's the way it is.
You were so right about Jewish men.
I mean, so attentive.
But, I mean, of course you know. You're married to one.
Yes, but he has ADD.
I just can't get over it. I mean...
I feel a little awkward telling you this.
But I can't tell anyone else. This is so...
We have had sex on every surface of my apartment.
I mean, I haven't had much sleep.
But he's just so eager to please me...
and I feel the same way about him.
He makes me want to do things...
I understand. ...that I've never...
wanted to do before. I got it.
You're gonna laugh...
but he didn't actually know where the clitoris was.
Really?
- Did you show him? - Of course.
I mean, he's so uninhibited.
Just happy to learn.
He hasn't had much experience. He's only been with two other women.
What? He's had sex with two other women?
Yes. Can you believe that's it?
Now I know why men go after younger women.
There's something to it.
His youth, his body...
his naivete...
his goddamn eagerness. I mean...
Isn't this great?
Yeah. It's amazing.
Listen.
I just have to say this because I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else.
His penis...
is so beautiful, I just...
want to knit it a hat.
Did you ever think...
that I would be this satisfied?
I mean, sexually.
Not like this.
Are you using protection?
Oh, of course. He brought it up. He's very responsible.
Oh, that's very good.
Is he neat? What?
Does he pick up after himself? Does he make the bed in the morning?
Does he ask before he uses the phone?
Yes. Why?
Well, you can tell a lot about a man from those things.
Yeah, he's very neat.
I mean, he does have some unusual habits, though.
Hey, I'm not trying to freak you out here...
but these Q-Tips are amazing.
Guess what? You're freaking me out. What are you talking about?
We never had these growing up.
I saw them in my Mom's bathroom, but we never used them.
How'd you clean your ears?
Didn't. Just towel-dried them, I guess.
- Let me see the Q-Tip. - No.
You have to get out of here.
What kind of mother doesn't teach their child how to clean their ears?
Pediatricians say...
that it is unhealthy for children to use them...
because it can damage the eardrum.
And it has been shown that a small amount of wax...
in the inner canal helps protect against larger debris.
- I didn't know that. - Well...
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Tell me what...
what it is that you're trying to say.
I'm just worried about where this is going.
You know, I want to give all of myself. Just let it go.
It's so tempting.
I mean, it's all he wants from me.
Who wouldn't want all of you, Rafi? You are an amazing woman.
But then I think...
I mean, he's just too young to handle the responsibility. I...
I'm scared to put myself out like that.
That's a very mature line of thought.
I'm sure his intentions are pure...
but he doesn't sound like...
he knows exactly what it is he's getting into.
Do you think I should just cut it off right now?
I'm not going to answer that.
Look, I don't want you to get...
the wrong idea about my family.
Sensitive subject? Huh!
Maybe.
All right, look.
I've been having trouble with my mom concerning you.
- Concerning me? - Yeah.
It's just... I wanted her to meet you and she said no.
That's sweet, but don't you think...
it's a little early to be introducing me to your mother?
- She said no? Why? - I...
Look, she has a problem with you not being Jewish.
- She won't meet me? - No.
Why do you think I'm so upset? We're not even speaking right now.
Well, I don't understand. I thought you said she was a therapist.
I know. How do you think I feel?
Didn't she meet the black girl you dated?
No way.
No, my mother doesn't even know about that.
That was my bubi. My dad's mom.
- David, love. - Hey, bubi.
I wanted you to meet my girlfriend, Radjina.
Radjina, this is my bubi.
Hi.
Is she black?
It's really not that funny, okay?
My bubi died three weeks later.
And I know she didn't tell anybody about Radjina...
but her reaction and her subsequent death...
let me know it might be a good idea to keep that one quiet.
I swear, I think she went in the house after that...
and just hit herself over the head with the frying pan.
I mean, that's the image I get whenever I'm doing something wrong.
Just her, like, whacking away with the skillet.
I can say this much.
Age aside...
he gives me more of what I really need...
than anyone else ever has.
Real things.
Things I never got.
It makes it hard to harp on age...
or religion or anything, because...
I'm just happy.
Yeah.
What's wrong, David?
- I lost my job. - I'm sorry.
Did you hear Josh Friedman got engaged to a chef?
Yes, I heard. Truffle matzo balls. Amazing.
You better tell him about the Kushners, Sam.
We're trading apartments with the Kushners, starting August 1st.
In Miami?
You have to find someplace else to live while we're gone.
Oh, come on. Not now. This is the worst possible time.
And who goes to Miami in August?
That's what I said.
Come on. What are you talking about?
It's beautiful this time of year.
Grandpa, it's a sauna down there and it rains every single afternoon.
The Kushners are taking you for a ride.
- I told you, Sam. - Oh, what does he know?
It's a condominium. We're going.
What? Condominium means no rain?
Do you know where Raphael Gardet is?
My dad's got this great place in Wainscott.
There's a limo waiting, so you won't have to take the Jitney.
Excuse me. Do you know where Raphael Gardet is?
- Who are you? - I'm Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Are you one of the models?
No. Are you the hairdresser?
- Excuse me? - I think you heard me.
Diana, eyes to me.
That's great.
Are you the hairdresser?
That was good. I really enjoyed that.
I just asked him simply, "Do you know where...
"Raphael Gardet is?" And he gives me all this attitude like I'm some...
Whatever. Jesus, Dave. It's so uncool.
- The guy's a schmuck. - Schmuck?
It's who I work for.
Who are you? What are you thinking?
I got cut to one day a week at work.
Then I find out I gotta be out of my place on Monday.
I'm gonna be broke in a month.
But I'm sorry, okay?
I am sorry.
Okay, let's do something. It's Friday night.
What do you want to do? Start observing the Sabbath or something?
No.
I wanna know what a normal Friday night was like for you...
before you met me.
I mean, you didn't sit around fireplaces in The Village...
drinking merlot, did you?
Actually, we stood around trash-can fires
in the Bowery drinking 40s.
- Come on. - What?
I wanna know what you did. Show me.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Let's go to your place. We never go to your place.
I got roommates, Rafi. Rafi...
I wanna see your paintings.
You're not missing much.
Convenient and weak.
I wanna go, I wanna go right now.
I want to see where you sleep when you're not in my bed.
This is nice.
Kitchen.
- Very grown-up. - Yeah.
- David? - Yeah.
Who are your roommates?
Is that you, David?
Yes. Go to sleep, Grandma.
Come on. Give me a break. It's embarrassing enough, all right?
- Where's the bathroom? - Bathroom's right there.
- Did you eat? - Yes, I ate. Good night.
What are you doing?
Stashing all your pornos?
Yeah, and all my posters had to come down, too.
- Why are they all facing away? - I don't know.
Who wants to look at my paintings all day?
We have to talk...
about this thing you have with your art.
I mean, it's weird.
It's like you think it's a sin or something.
Bubi?
I've decided I'm gonna be an artist.
Dave.
You're really good.
This is what you should be doing. You've got to keep painting.
Yeah?
It's not a life.
Says who? You're crazy.
You're lucky. I'm just paving the way for you.
This is the curse of the eldest child.
When it's all over you'll be able to bring home Jay-Z.
Are you and Mom talking? Not really.
She's just a different person these days.
- What are you doing? - I'm just dropping off some clothes.
You're not going to stay here?
I'm going to Morris' place.
To tell you the truth, I didn't even think you'd want me here.
Don't be melodramatic.
This is your home. We're your family.
Even if you did bring home Jay-D.
It's Jay-Z, Mom.
Whatever. Jay-B, Jay-D...
I have a patient coming, so be careful when you leave.
Oh, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Did I knock? Am I late?
I feel like I'm late.
But no. No.
Sit, sit, sit.
What is that? A gun?
No, it's a yoga mat.
- He's moving in with me. - What?
I thought you said... Weren't you just saying...
that he couldn't provide you with the things that you needed?
I'm still unsure.
But I think I should just give it a shot.
I mean, you always say, "Just get messy in life.
"At least you know you're living." Right?
Besides, if he can't give me what I need...
then I'll find out sooner if he's living with me.
- And he has nowhere to go. - He said that?
His best friend has a studio.
He's not getting along with his mother, so he can't go home.
She hates me, by the way. Did I tell you that?
No. You hadn't mentioned it.
Yes, it's this whole other thing...that I'm trying not to even think about.
They say the children of psychoanalysts...
are the most screwed up of all.
Yes, I had heard that.
So he's moving in.
I think it'll be fun.
That's what you said to do with this, right?
I mean, just have fun.
That's right. That's right.
What are you looking at?
I... I forgot, I have a book...
A book... A book I wanted to show you.
Thought it might be...
"Lesbians and the Kabbalah...
"A Match Made in Heaven."
Wrong book. Wrong book. Wrong...
Oh, my. Oh, well, never mind.
Forget it. I'm sorry.
I am so late.
I can't help it if you parade around...
fulfilling every working-girl fantasy I've ever had.
You should wear a garbage bag till you get to the elevator.
Hey, are we still going to the Hamptons Friday?
Yeah. See you.
Great. Village People weekend.
You'll be fine.
I've been grooming you for this moment.
A Bette Davis marathon on the Turner Classic Network hardly qualifies.
Hey, you guys, they're here. Come on.
- Hi. How are you? - Hey, Jason.
- You look great. - You do, too.
- Dave, this is Jason. - Hi.
Hi. We've heard all about you.
Hi. Raphael!
- Hello. - Hello.
It's so good to see you again.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- How was the drive? - It was good.
Good. Brilliant.
- Palmer, this is Dave. - Hi.
- How are you? - Great. How are you doing?
- Great. - Yeah?
Is he okay? Or...
Ignore him. He's just jealous he didn't get into your pants first.
Hey, what's up?
Oh, my God! I am so sorry.
Alsayste, you junkie!
It's so he won't bark. Are you okay?
Yeah. I think I'm blind.
Oh, no. Gotta call the pediatrician.
All right, come on.
- That stings. - That's terrible.
This place is amazing.
I mean, everything. Every room is perfect.
Look at this. Even the beds are awesome.
We're gonna have vacation sex tonight.
What's vacation sex, Dave?
I don't know, but you're gonna get it, girl.
Look at this, even the breeze coming through here.
This is perfect.
Is it like this for all rich people?
No, just gay rich people.
- You're gonna get it. - Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna give it to you.
Vacation sex, Dave?
Please. You are the only...
registered gay Republican in New York.
It's just a tax thing.
I'm to the left on every other issue.
I still say the Democrats need their own show pushing their own agenda.
No one would watch. I mean, there's no blood.
I'd watch that show.
People would much rather watch some liberal be humiliated...
on The O'Reilly Factor.
You should go on, Jason...
and thoroughly humiliate the man.
Sure, he'd love me.
- Alsayste? Where is he? - I'll get him.
- Fiddler on a hot tin roof. - And so young. Have you carded him?
Yes, unfortunately, I have.
I think he's great. Smart and sweet. Just needs a little seasoning.
I think he's...
You don't get to say. You're totally infatuated with him.
Maybe, but I'm still worried about you.
He is so young and you're obviously falling for him.
- So what? Fall. - What is wrong with you?
You look 10 years younger. I've never seen you this happy.
I'm just saying, you want a baby...
and he is in no position to give you that.
- You're on the clock, Rafi. - Thanks, Randall. That's sweet.
Plus, he has this weird relationship with his mother...
who wants him to marry someone named Rivkah or Devorah.
Randall, who asked you?
Besides, I think it's interesting...
that you call their relationship weird...
when all it is, is close.
We should all be so lucky.
Besides, your mother still thinks you're straight, for Christ's sakes.
So, Dave, do you care if your kids are Jewish?
I care if they're happy.
Good answer.
So, what's up with your friends?
This whole weekend felt like a long audition.
- They're just worried about me. - Worried about what?
How old you are, I mean...
my wanting to have a child at some point.
Your moving in.
And I'm just a little nervous, that's all.
You know how it is in New York. Your apartment's all you have.
A few hundred square feet you can call your own.
The work's strong, I mean, it's realistic portraits...
and he's only 23, I was amazed.
Sounds great. I'd really like to take a look at his work.
- Is he here? - Yes, he is.
- Great. - He'd love that.
- Let me go find him. - Okay.
I want you to see this. Come here.
Raphael.
- How are you, honey? - How you doing?
- Good to see you. - Nice to see you.
Have you met my friend Ann?
Hi.
Nice to meet you. I've got my hands full.
- You sure do. Gosh, she's beautiful. - Thank you.
- What's her name? - Ella.
You're so sweet.
- How old is she? - She's one.
- Oh, my goodness. - Yeah, she's a big girl.
Do you have any children?
No, I don't have any children.
She's just started walking. She's holding onto the railing...
Oh, she's so sweet.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Do you know you have over 500 channels on this thing?
I watched the Malaysian Grand Prix today.
Really? That's amazing.
Have you left the apartment since this morning?
No. Why?
He sits around all day in my apartment.
I have zero privacy when I go home.
This does not sound good. He needs to get his own place.
Yeah, but he needs a job first.
It's about time.
I need to buy him a birthday present this week.
Do you have any ideas?
There's this Nintendo thing he keeps on talking about and...
Rafi, let me ask you something.
Do you like having sex?
Don't get Nintendo.
Are you coming to bed?
Yeah, right after this game.
Just for a sec.
- Okay. - What can it hurt?
- I've got to get back. - We'll just look, all right?
- How much is this? - Much too much. Don't look.
Don't even look.
- May I help you? - What?
- May I... - No.
- Jack. - What?
- We have to go. - Why?
I have an appointment I forgot about.
- I thought you said you didn't... - I just have to go, all right?
- Why? - Oh shit!
- Get down, get down. - Why?
- It's a patient? - No, it's my lover.
Yes, it's a patient. Just be quiet.
- You're gonna have to explain this. - You know I can't.
Okay. You're scaring some of the customers.
Just dropped a contact.
I was married to a man who couldn't love me.
And now I'm with someone who can love me...
but he's not really a man. At least, not all the time.
I can see that.
Maybe if I give myself to him completely...
he'll step up in the ways I need him to.
He said he knows I'm not giving all of myself...
and it's unfair to us.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
I'm sorry.
I just can't.
Do what?
We need to talk, Rafi.
Okay.
He's my son.
Who?
Why does it say Lisa Metzger on your door?
Metzger is my maiden name.
You betrayed me.
Yes.
I did betray your trust...
but I did it to preserve our relationship.
That seemed more important to me.
Is this what you call preserving our relationship?
It seemed at the time like the right thing to do.
What do you mean, at the time? How long have you known?
Five weeks, four days.
I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just a fling.
If it was, then we would have been able to continue, but...
Now we're having a conversation...
that will very likely end our work together.
Can you see...
that I wanted to avoid having this conversation...
for your benefit?
No. I think you did it to control your son's life.
No. That's not true. That is not true.
I stayed in it just for you, no other reason.
I don't believe you.
That you could give me advice to do as I please...
and then not do the same for your son is wrong.
I think you need to look at that.
Thank you. I am working on that with my therapist right now.
You let me talk to you about his penis.
Trust me, that was harder for me than it was for you.
Up until a few weeks ago, I didn't even think my son had a penis.
Do you realize your mother now knows intimate details about your penis?
You told her about my penis?
Jesus, Rafi.
Excuse me...
I thought it was safe to assume it wouldn't get back to her.
She better not use that to get me home for Thanksgiving.
- How can you make jokes? - What else am I gonna do?
Get angry! Be outraged!
I am, okay? I am angry.
I can't believe she took it this far.
I'm just... I know that she cares about the people she helps.
- And she cares a lot. - What is wrong with you?
- I have to draw the line there. - You're delusional.
She's just trying to control you. She still is.
Rafi, I'm not arguing with you.
I know she tries to control me. I hate it. I do.
But...
All I'm saying is, she would never use you to do that.
You are so naive.
How could you deceive her like that? That was totally unethical!
How dare you? I care far more about her well-being than you do.
That's evident by your choice in continuing to see her.
Mom.
What are you going to do now?
Live a life.
I hope you're making the right decisions...
because you've got somebody else counting on you now.
That's fine. I can handle it. I love her.
Great. Just don't come to me, help you clean up the mess.
I won't.
I mean, there won't be a mess to clean up, Mom.
And I didn't buy you Q-Tips...
because I was trying to protect your ears.
So what? She's just gonna let you live there rent-free?
No, it ain't free. I'm paying in other ways.
Oh, my God, you're my hero.
No, it's not like that.
This whole thing with my mother has just killed her.
She's, like, impossible to live with these days.
This is it. You wanna wait outside or...
No, I thought I'd stand next to you with some paper towels.
I'll meet you back at Rafi's.
I want you to check out her place.
She's not going to be back for a couple of hours.
Can't believe you haven't made Page Six yet.
- You know what? This place is sick. - I know.
Now I understand why you're taking all her shit.
That's not why.
I mean, I like living here, but that's not the reason I'm with her.
Great apartment, friends with houses in the Hamptons, art connections.
Those are good reasons. You know what I mean?
- Shut up. - What?
Come on, man, she's got you tied up like it's Pelican Bay.
Seriously, I barely even see you anymore.
You even said it. I'm only here right now because she's not home.
Shit.
It's her. Come on. You've got to hide.
Are you serious? I really can't be here?
Yeah. No. Get in the closet. In the closet?
Get in the closet. She doesn't like people in her living space.
Living space? What the hell's living space?
Is the kitchen part of it? Just get in the closet.
Jesus Christ.
What's up?
What are you doing home already?
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me to leave?
I thought you were hanging out with Morris today.
Oh, yeah, drink that. That's good stuff, huh?
I was. I mean, I am.
I mean, hanging out...
What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.
Me? No, I'm fine. You okay?
Is there someone here? What? No.
Oh, my God, is there someone here with you?
I'm allergic to...
- What is going on here? - Okay, okay...
All right, look.
We were only here for a few minutes. Then I heard you coming...
and I panicked, and I told him to hide.
- In the closet? - I told him it was a bad idea.
Rafi, we were only here just...
Long enough to have a beer with your pie-throwing, sociopath friend?
Wait. Hey, hey. No. Wait. I told him...
I told you not to come up, but you forced me.
No, you did not. You lie...
Wait, wait, wait.
Is that better or worse than a psychopath?
What is wrong with you?
I can't believe I have to come home to this.
People hiding in the closet, you're lying.
You're a goddamn preschooler, Dave!
You've had me on lockdown since the minute I moved in here.
- What? - Yeah.
You tell me you want me here and then you treat me like an inmate.
An inmate? I mean, you barely carry your weight around here, Dave.
I do everything and you can't even clean up the place.
The one thing I ask of you...
is that you would tell me when you bring someone here.
Rafi, this is not such a big deal, okay?
You need to get over it.
I'm not Francis.
I'm not lying to you. I'm not cheating on you.
- I'm definitely not avoiding you. - Thanks.
That's reassuring and in really, really good taste.
You know what? I...
I can't do this anymore.
You should get a dog if you wanna give orders...
'cause I really don't give a shit anymore!
Let's go.
I missed you like crazy.
I think we need to take a break, Dave, and start seeing other people.
What?
I can't do this. This just isn't right for me...
and I can't trust you anymore.
I was only showing him your place for a minute. I just...
It's not just that.
You're in no place to give me what I need.
I get that.
And then this whole thing with your mother...
I don't even know what to say about that.
It's crazy.
But just think the reason she stopped seeing you...
is because she believes that we're in love.
It's just...
It's just not gonna work out. At least, not now.
So that's it?
Rafi.
You don't look as relieved as you predicted.
Are you kidding? I'm devastated.
I hurt my patient so that she could have a relationship with my son.
And so what happens?
My son hurts my patient.
And now...
my patient hurts my son.
I'm totally confused about my part in this.
I think you did the right thing, Lisa.
You know, even love won't guarantee...
that they're not going to hurt one another.
If anything, it just makes it a likelihood.
Thanks for coming down.
Sorry the place is such a mess.
Rafi thought I'd like your work and I trust her judgment.
Yeah, well, we broke up.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- She didn't say anything about it? - No.
These are great.
- Do you have a gallery? - No.
How much for the larger pieces?
I don't know. I never sold one before.
I'll give you $1,000 each for these two.
And I'll see what I can do about getting you a show.
Done.
I don't believe it.
You're gonna be a huge painter and I get to go along for the ride.
Maybe I can write this whole pie thing off as performance art.
What do you think?
- Who you calling? - Rafi.
- Why? - I want to tell her how it went.
Plus I want to kick her a few bucks for the time I spent there.
- She'll appreciate it. - What am I, chopped liver?
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. You're the reason...
- All right, all right. - I'm not in right now.
Does this mean you're gonna get your own place now?
- Shut up. - Thanks.
Hey, Raff, it's me again. Listen...
I have some amazing news for you. Please pick up.
Rafi, Rafi.
Hello?
Why don't you call him, then?
I like it, man. It's very The Early Years, you know?
A little roach problem, but you can fix that.
It's gonna look good when A&E comes to shoot the documentary.
He lived on rugalach and macaroons...
for the first four years during his Blue Period...
Would you shut up?
...and then moved on to the Louvre.
All right, Howard Hughes. Tell me to shut up again. Get dressed.
Let's go. Let's get it moving around.
I wanna go out. I want you to look nice.
You've been shut in too long. Let's go. Pick it up.
- We're with her. - No, you're not.
What? Come on, man, that's my girlfriend right there.
Back off the rope.
Hey.
Hold the goddamn mayo. You know that chick?
- Yeah. Don't point. - Sorry.
What's wrong?
We can't get in.
Hey, it's okay. Come on. Let them in.
I love you, okay? I really do.
But if you don't take advantage of this situation...
I'm gonna seriously question your manhood.
I miss her.
Get over it, okay?
It's been two weeks.
You don't think she's out here doing the same thing?
I'm thinking the pan-seared trout.
What about the salmon? Looks good, too.
Do you think it's wild or farm-raised?
- Do you like carp? - No.
I wanna dance.
Go get to work, sister.
Come on, shake it like a salt shaker. Go ahead.
What is that?
What is that? No, no.
That's like some Irene Cara shit. She ought to be wearing leg warmers.
All right, you gotta do damage control.
- Yeah. - This is not helping anybody. Go.
Have a drink, baby.
Feel better?
Much.
Yes!
I'm going to use your toothbrush.
That's okay, right?
Oh, my God.
What?
Dave.
- Yeah. - Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
You're painting.
I'm working.
I'm not doing this to piss you off, Mom.
This is not an act of rebellion.
I love her. I'm trying to make it work.
I could really use your help.
My help. Have you even heard a word I've said?
I am out of this.
Just let me bring her over Friday night.
Please. Mom, I'm begging you.
She doesn't stop talking about you.
How much she misses you and all this stuff.
Are you insane?
There is no way.
You okay?
Mom? We're here.
Rafi.
What? What is it, sweetie?
I missed you.
Now I just realized how much.
I missed you, too.
Did you? Yes.
- Hello, sweetheart. - Hi, Mom. Thank you.
- You look very nice. - Okay.
Coats.
What? Oh, yeah.
- Jack. - Ma, can Audrey come over?
No, no, no. Get off the phone. Would you get off the phone?
All right, Dad, this is Rafi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you.
- This is my sister. D. - Hi. Dinah.
- Hi. - I like your dress.
- I heard so much about you. - Yeah?
- Hi, I'm Blanche. - She's my mother.
- And you are? - Rafi.
- Rafi. What a nice name. - Thank you.
It's for Raphael, actually.
Just like the painter.
- Painter? - My husband, Sam.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi, Sam. Nice to meet you.
Watch out for him.
That's the truth.
- Hope you're hungry. - Yeah.
Oh, my... You shouldn't have. Thank you.
Thank you very much. What a cute bag.
- It's a nice bottle, too. - Look at that.
If it gets cold enough, we can drink it with dinner.
- Mom. - Absolutely.
Put it in the freezer for 10 minutes.
It'll be fine.
Thank you.
God bless my daughter. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her.
In Brooklyn, Sam. You'd be in Brooklyn.
This is you next to me.
- This is beautiful. - You okay, Grandma?
- Like I have a choice? - You're okay till you collapse.
I have to tell you a wonderful story.
First time I met my Blanche.In the subway.
There used to be an elevated line that ran across De Kalb Avenue.
I was on one side of the car...
she was on the other side of the car.
And she is wearing the dopiest hat you ever saw in your life.
She looked terrific.
I feel like I've heard this story once before.
Only once? You're lucky.
It's an adorable story.
I like this.
How great is it that David sold his paintings?
Yes, we're so happy for him.
- Yeah, right. - What?
I never thought you had a chance in hell.
There you go.
- Oh, Dad, really. - Anyway, you should...
You should all know that this is what I'm gonna be doing...for the rest of my life.
Really?
No CPA. No law degree.
No, "Paging Dr. Bloomberg," Dad. This is it.
I suppose you can make a living out of it.
So, I understand you're interested in converting to Judaism.
Oh, my God.
- Good, thank you. - Sure.
- Does this go in here? - Yes.
Okay, good. That's good.
- This is very strange. - Yes, it is... I would say, yeah.
Certainly never experienced anything even remotely like it.
So now you've seen that even your therapist has a crazy family.
Are you kidding? This is what I never had.
You know, no grandparents. No laughter around the dinner table.
No dinner, actually.
Thank you for having me over.
I know this was very difficult for you.
No, it wasn't difficult at all.
I think you're great, Rafi.
I think you're great.
I know this is hard for you to understand, but this isn't personal.
I just don't want my son giving up on his faith so early.
But he wouldn't have to.
I would want my kids to have a religious upbringing.
You know I didn't have one. You always said I suffered from it.
Slow down. You...
Kids? With my son?
Rafi, think about what you're saying.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I forget that you're his mother.
I still think of you as my therapist.
What a mess, huh?
You know what else? He had, like, 20 boxes of Q-Tips in his bathroom.
Meanwhile, the rest of the place is a complete dump.
Wait a minute. This is Dave you're talking about?
Rafi's Dave?
Yeah? So what? They're broken up.
Listen to me, Sue. Rafi and Dave are back together now.
Okay, so they're back together. What's the big deal?
The big deal is, it would kill her.
Okay. Jesus, I won't say anything.
You won't say anything about what?
Hey.
Did you sleep with Sue?
What?
You know what?
Just call her already and go back to your own place, please.
I need quiet time. Thank you.
No, I'm not going to call her. This is crazy.
She tells me to see other people...
and then she punishes me for taking her advice?
Screw that.
You know what? Come on, even I can see that it's not that you went out.
It's who you went out with.
It's, like, Learn Your Fucking Lesson Day around here.
Jesus Christ.
Lock the door, please.
Thank you.
Magnolia. Traitors.
You have my total support in whatever you want to do.
Then why do I feel like you're still against this?
I'm not. I am worried. I'm your mother.
That's my job.
What if I decide to go through with this?
Sweetheart, you clearly have something special, you two.
I look at this relationship and I think what it's done for you.
It's really... It's great.
You are... I mean, you've come into your own.
You're a painter. I get that.
Rafi made me see that.
That is going to be your life.
That's right. That's right. That's great.
But, David, you have to try to hear this.
Love is not always enough.
Not when you're talking about marriage and children...
and joint checking accounts.
You're not supposed to learn this lesson at 23, maybe...
but you did get yourself into a complicated situation.
Mom.
Relationships are work.
Children...
are work.
And I'm not saying love isn't important. It is, but...
- So what are you saying? - I'm saying that...
Sometimes you love and you learn.
And you...
move on.
And that's okay.
Here we go.
Whoops.
I'm sorry.
And?
And it was a really...
really bad call and I wasn't thinking.
I'm so sorry, Rafi. I'm just...
learning this stuff as I go along, but you gotta work with me here...
because...
Can we get a minute here?
No way. I work here.
Fine. I'm going anyway. Look.
Rafi, we might have some things working against us...
and I do screw up from time to time, but so does everybody else.
The difference with me is I am actively...
I'm trying so hard to get it right.
And I wanna be the man that you see in me every so often.
Okay, on leap years, fine. But I wanna be that guy for you.
Bottom line is...
I love you so much.
I'll figure it out, okay?
I'll get it. You just gotta give me a chance.
- Are you sure about this? - Yeah, I'm sure.
Why now?
'Cause you want this more than anything in the world.
And I wanna give it to you.
I wanna make a baby with you.
I can't.
Why?
Because I love you and I can't do this to you.
I don't understand. What are you doing to me?
It actually feels really good.
I just can't.
I wanna give this to you.
I know you do.
And it's the sweetest gift anyone's ever given me.
But it's not right for you.
You'll regret it.
You know this.
The fact that you're still willing...
just shows how deep your love goes.
That's the gift I'm taking from you.
I think I only need to sell one more painting...
then I'll have enough to get out of here.
What? Where you gonna go?
I was thinking about somewhere in Central America. Maybe El Salvador.
You're just gonna pick up and go to El Salvador?
- Yeah. - I don't understand.
You get there, you get off the plane. How do you know where to go?
I don't. I'm going to figure it out.
It's time for me to try something like this.
I've never even left the country before.
Excuse me. What about Class Trip '98?
- What, Niagara Falls? - Yeah.
- Come on, Morris. - What?
- Well, man, what am I gonna do? - You should come with me.
- No. El Salvador? - Yeah.
That's Noriega country, amigo. I'm gonna pass on that.
No, that's Panama, and you might learn something.
I'm learning right here.
I went on a second date with this girl the other night.
You're kidding me.
Yes, I am. But I had you for a second, didn't I? I had you.
- Oh, shit. - What?
- I forgot my hat at the restaurant. - Oh, you schmuck.
- You want me to come with you? - No, that's cool, I'll get it.
All right, man. I love you, brother.
- I'll catch up with you. - All right, man.
- You forgot your hat. - Yeah.
- There you go. - Thank you.