[film reel rolling]
[chatter]
[traffic]
PAUL: You know what?
Our movie's got to have a beautiful happy ending.
It's gotta be unpredictable, like a fun indie vibe;
Black and white; Lens flare.
It's got to have lens flare, let's not forget.
A tentative title I'm thinking right now... you tell me what
you think... is "Cold Dreams."
Hey.
Hey, what'd I just say?
What's the title of my work?
Eddie!
Are you listening to me?
[burps] I've got gas.
You got your anti-acids?
No.
All right, beautiful, OK.
Maybe you'll come back soon?
And she's gone.
What is that?
This?
Female sanitary appliance.
The elite bodyguards all carry them.
You want to know why?
The second you start bleeding, I pop this shit in.
Blood stops.
It stops the bleeding.
I can save you goddamn life.
And get rid of the comic book also.
She's going to be here in like five minutes.
Hey.
[door opens]
Hello.
I'm slightly early.
Is it Katherine?
Yeah.
PAUL: Take a seat.
You want something to eat?
Some lunch would be... would be nice.
Well, we make an incredible hot dog.
What do you say?
Yeah.
PAUL: Yeah.
Hey, man, let me get a hot dog, soda, and fries, por favor.
Diet orange soda.
PAUL: Diet orange soda.
You got it.
What are these?
I think those are the steaks, Louie.
No shit, genius.
Why did you pull them out of the freezer?
It's for the dinner crowd.
No, you're not supposed to use these, ass wipe.
You're supposed to use the one in storage next door.
Manny, put these steaks back in the freezer.
Get me 20 sirloins from storage next door.
What's the matter with you, huh?
You're shit for brains, I told you.
I told you what steaks to sell here.
One more time, both of you, I'm gonna violate
you to your parole officer.
You hear me?
You'll be upstate in a heartbeat.
You got it?
Hey, credit card machine is still on the fritz, Louie.
Yeah, well, you keep taking cash till it's fixed.
Yeah.
(MUMBLING) As you know.
I'm so sorry, there's so much in your mouth.
As you know, you were recommended to me by Thomas.
Tresham, client of mine.
Who?
British Tommy.
Oh, Tommy.
He recommended you highly.
Client how?
I was his lawyer in London.
You're a lawyer?
An item will be delivered at a location next week.
I want you to intercept the delivery and bring it to me.
Yeah, we can do that, baby.
The man making the exchange has guards.
He will meet and exchange the package with others.
Fee is $20,000 each.
[whistles]
Well, the going rate's $30,000 each.
I'm not going to go higher than $20,000.
That's inclusive of two passports.
Hey, wait a minute.
Gig's not here?
No, it's in London next week.
Next... you came all the way from London, England for us?
This isn't really my field.
Mr. Tresham is my sole contact in this area.
Well, that's tough luck.
Our parole's conditional on us maintaining employment here.
Plus, your offer's way too long, especially
if going to jump the pond.
How much do I owe you?
You know what?
There's got to be way we can work this out, don't you think?
I mean, we haven't even thought it through for a second.
Maybe we could talk about it.
[door opens]
Is this diner a chain?
Yeah, a real shitty, shitty chain.
If I can sort out your parole issues and this establishment,
would you agree to the venture at my price?
Knock yourself out.
Uh, break's over ladies.
Uh, Louie?
Yes, darling.
Hm.
You buy cheap stock...
Steaks, on this occasion, with your own money,
and you store them next door.
If 20 steaks are ordered, you serve the cheap steaks
you bought, not the ones on the premises
that are bought by the company.
You don't fix the credit card machine,
so everyone pays in cash.
You keep the cash for yourself.
If head office get suspicious and checks the stock,
they'll find it's all still here on the premises
in the freezer unused.
And it's all very illegal.
Eddie's going away for a week.
He's gonna be [inaudible] with his friend Paul.
Yes, with Paul.
You're going to call their parole officer,
say you're sending them away on a catering course,
as they're doing so well, and that they'll
be unable to attend.
Otherwise, I'm going to call head office, tell them
about your illegal activities, which I assure you will
result in your prosecution.
Do we have an agreement?
[sniffs]
PAUL: Hey, Louie, you're a disgrace to the restaurant
business, you fuckin' skunk.
Katherine, we're in.
- No, we're not in. - We're not in.
We're not in yet.
$30,000 each or no deal.
$20,000 and no higher.
EDDIE: $30,000.
You need me.
Us.
PAUL: Yeah.
Agreed.
Fuck yeah.
On one condition...
No one gets harmed.
If it's them or us, I know who I'm choosing there, princess.
Don't call me that.
Yoga?
You look healthy.
I've been meaning to say for the past few days.
I do tai chi myself.
It's a soft martial art.
Keeps me supple.
PAUL: He does look good, though, right?
You do look good.
Cardio, that's what I do.
A panic attack doesn't count as cardio.
Whatever.
Hey, you know what, Corny?
What do you say after this, we talk about your acting career?
I'd be delighted to.
You ever tried the boards?
No, my good man.
I'm actually a film producer.
CORNY: Ah.
Can I just say what a pleasure it is
to be working with you again?
I hope I didn't inconvenience you
in requesting you come to London,
but I couldn't think of anyone I trust more.
EDDIE: Tommy, I don't think we need the silencer.
If this shit hits the fan, the louder, the better.
You know what I mean?
Take it off, please.
TOMMY: The louder, the better.
That's so wise.
What the?
Hey, man!
Why don't you like kitty cats?
Because dogs are better.
PAUL: Dogs aren't better.
They're more independent.
Hand up, motherfucker.
Put your fucking hands up right now.
[screaming]
Hands in the air... There's a good chap...
Or those lovely long eyelashes will close forever.
[screaming]
PAUL: Come here. Come.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Come, come, come, come.
Drop the bag.
EDDIE: Drop the bag.
Drop the fuckin' bag.
EDDIE: Do what he says.
The guys a fucking maniac.
Kick it over to him.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over, man.
Nobody needs to get hurt.
OK, kick it over to me right now.
Kick it over to me right now.
Are you fucking serious?
Come on, guys, stop fucking around.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What are you, a fucking...
What do I do?
Pick it up.
I'm going to pick it up.
But nobody's going to fucking move.
Do you hear me? Nobody move.
Nobody fucking move.
I'm gonna pick it up.
EDDIE: Pick it up.
Nobody fucking move. OK.
EDDIE: Keep the gun on him.
[gunshots]
[thuds, groaning]
Ugh.
GUARD: Hey, hey, hey.
Stay where you are.
Oh, all right.
Right.
Calm down. Easy.
Hey. Hey.
Hey.
Stay back.
Game over, man.
- It's over. - Stay back.
Just chill out, man.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Easy. Easy.
Easy.
[thud]
Shit.
[alarm ringing]
Let's go. Let's go.
- Let's go. - Get it.
Get it. Let's get the hell out of here.
Let's go!
Go!
[humming] Oh, hey there, all.
[car starts]
All ticketed, [inaudible] chaps?
Let's go. Let's diggity-fuckin'-boot.
[sirens in distance]
Oh, yes.
Hold on here.
Just, uh, [inaudible] reverse, first.
OK, OK. Um.
[engine revs] Drive the fucking car!
OK, calm down.
(SINGING) I hear the leaves in the trees
as they rustle in the breeze up above.
My name's Dino O'Lynn and this one's for Deacon and the lads.
Shout out, lads.
Yes, Dino.
[cheering]
Gold.
Bravo, Dino!
OK, from the top.
The Americans stole the bag.
They'll give it to that cow tomorrow.
What do you do then?
Once we see the exchange, that's when we move.
We take the bag and anything else, no prisoners.
What don't you do?
Look inside the bag.
DEACON: Straight after you get the bag,
you goes to this address.
Call me.
Sit tight.
No other calls.
You don't leave for food, smokes, girls, nothing.
You wait for me.
[door opens]
DAWN: Oy, Billy Ray Cyrus, how many times have I told you
to fix that bloody door, hm?
Fix it!
Dexter and I are going upstairs for a business meeting.
Do not call me.
Do not disturb me.
Hand over a bottle of red.
[banging]
Come on!
Evening, Mrs. Bradshaw.
Fuck off, George.
You stink of ketchup and farts.
[sniffs]
More business, Mom?
Did you book the tickets to Barbados?
No.
DAWN: Do it!
I'm not gonna spend all year in this fucking dump.
Look at it.
I gave birth to a fucking haircut.
[laughter]
Just like his fucking dad.
[laughs] Doesn't he look silly boys, eh?
Eh?
Fucking stupid.
[laughter]
[laughs]
DEACON: Change of plan.
I'm going with you.
You stay here, lock up.
You two, come with me.
[dog barking]
[door opens]
We ain't open.
DEACON: Scrambled eggs on toast, $2.95.
You're a troublemaker.
Plain omelet, $3.95.
Oy, mullethead, was is it, double denim day, yeah?
This jacket was me dad's.
You want to bring your dad down here, yeah?
I'd take you and your dad.
Huh.
My dad's dead.
Good.
Yeah.
OK.
That's right.
[phone ringing]
[beep]
You all right?
I had a bunch of queers trying it on just a minute ago.
Ah!
[thud]
I've lost a button.
Get some aprons on.
Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine, Hong Kong Fui.
Come on.
There's a good lad.
Show me a room where I can lock you in.
There's a pantry just...
Just down... just down there.
Mind your hair when you go down there.
(STUTTERING) I meant your head, not your hair on there.
My dad had his hair like this.
I love your dad.
I wish he was still alive, your dad.
Hey, I...
Shh.
SERVER: I didn't mean it.
I wasn't... I was a...
[gunshot]
I'll have a coffee.
(HUMMING) Bam, bam, bam, bam, bow.
All right, all cool.
And you think a person thrown and killed from a great height
is all cool?
EDDIE: That was... That was unavoidable.
You can't... that was... by the way, he even tripped.
It wasn't even...
- That's an act of God. - You can't do anything.
You're a lawyer.
You know about that.
I assumed you were professionals.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We are professional.
What did you just say?
We had an agreement... No one seriously injured.
Cut the shit, and hand over our cash, you little brat.
Come on, give me my money.
EDDIE: Christ, what is this, a Mary Poppins bag?
What the fuck is this?
It's short.
It's fucking way short.
KATHERINE: Well, the agreement was
$30,000 each and no one seriously hurt,
but you didn't adhere to that.
So as a penalty, it drops to my original offer of $20,000 each.
Are you...
I'll tell you what.
You take the hamburger, and I'll take the filet mignon.
[grunting]
Give it to me.
- No. - Give it to me.
No.
EDDIE: Give it to me.
Ugh.
Give it to me.
Just give it.
Come on.
No.
Thank you.
[THUDS, GLASS BREAKING, GRUNTING]
[bone breaking]
[screams]
[thuds]
[clanging]
What was that?
Watch her.
Watch the rucksack.
PAUL: Don't move.
Don't fucking move.
Watch her good.
You hear me?
[gun clicks]
[buzzing]
Who's the dead dude in the kitchen?
What?
EDDIE: Yeah.
Who's the dead dude in the kitchen?
I know nothing about that.
EDDIE: Who the fuck are these two people?
I don't know.
EDDIE: Come on.
Come on.
See, it's OK.
Just tell us.
You wanted them to take care of us and then keep the money.
Is that it?
No.
Don't move.
Stop.
Who's the bag for?
That's not your concern.
Yes, it is our fucking concern.
Someone tries kill us, it's our concern, princess.
- Stop calling me that. - Everyone makes mistakes.
I wanna... can I talk to you in private...
In private, just you and me, just talking in private?
[zipping]
Don't look.
Look away for one second.
We're gonna talk for a second.
EDDIE: It's OK, just...
Do you have any idea what's inside this bag?
[sputtering] kitty cats? I don't know.
No, no, not kitty cats...
Bearer bonds, about $800,000... $800 fucking thousand.
EDDIE: She didn't tell us that.
What the fuck will we do with them?
We fence the bonds, get the fuck out of dodge.
What are we still doing here, right?
Better to be on the run with a ton of money than nothing
at all. Can you hear that?
EDDIE: Yeah, she's...
PAUL: She can fucking hear everything.
Use your indoor voice.
OK, this is it for me.
What do you think, fence it?
EDDIE: You think she knew about these guys?
[gunshot]
[thuds, groaning]
Where did she go?
Where's the rucksack?
Katherine.
Arkady.
What a surprise.
Would you like some, uh, breakfast, uh, coffee,
croissant?
Ah, I shouldn't.
Well, tell us what happened.
I waited for the Americans to collect the bonds.
Uh, they did.
Two men arrived.
They attacked us.
She's lying.
The Americans fought them off.
I managed to slip away with the bag.
Ugly cow is lying.
DEACON: Why would my men do such a thing?
ARKADY: Continue.
I still have the Americans' money.
I think it's best if we pay them off.
They've done nothing wrong.
Well, thank you for all your help.
You are now debt-free.
[laughs] I'll be sorry to lose your services.
So I can pay the Americans off?
No, we'll take care of the Americans ourselves.
Why take a chance?
[laughs] Just... just tell us where they are.
KATHERINE: As your legal advisor,
I think it's best if we don't add
murder to your current issues.
And, um, I don't want to be an accessory.
Are you asking me for a favor?
A favor that's in your interest.
ARKADY: Well, if I do this favor for you, it'll mean you still
owe me the same amount.
The debt would be back on.
That's not fair.
I've done everything that...
[sighs] Fine.
[door closes]
[banging]
Bastard [inaudible] fuck.
Fuck it!
I'm going to choose to believe that you sent your two
men to simply collect the bonds, as I instructed,
but then, they took it upon themselves
to attack the Americans and take everything
without your knowledge.
No, no, no, no.
I'm choosing to believe you had nothing to do with it.
Arkady, I swear on my...
I swear on my mother's...
[smacking]
Deacon, you repulsive testicle,
those two mean of yours will show up somewhere.
Mm.
[exhales]
I'm going to meet your friends downstairs.
You stay here till I get back.
Do not move from this spot.
Piggy, yeah?
[snorts like a pig] Come on.
Come with me.
[door opens]
Two large [inaudible] baguettes.
[background chatter]
[ringing]
[traffic noises]
[jungle noises]
Chicks, you know what I mean?
Chicks shapeshifting.
At least we'll be back in the US tomorrow, right?
Out of this shithole of a fucking country.
Yeah, that's right.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Who's that?
Yeah, fine.
Fucking fine.
It was Katherine.
She's on her way up.
Tommy must have told where we were.
You let her up here now, right now?
Yeah.
Right... [sighs] of course you let her up.
You're a genius.
That's awesome.
[knocking]
Coming to take more of our money?
Because we don't have any more, thanks to you.
I came to explain and apologize.
Apologize?
For stabbing us in the back?
I saves your life.
How do you...
Will you let me explain?
Arkady is the man who organized the job.
I owed him a substantial amount of money.
Getting you to steal the bonds was how I'd pay him back.
Well, we're delighted you're off the hook.
Arkady wanted you both dead.
I convinced him not to do it but at great cost.
I am now back in debt to him.
One of his people, an animal by the name of Deacon Bradshaw,
sent those two men to steal everything.
I think you're full of shit.
Well, I think you were going to sell the bonds,
leaving me at Arkady's mercy.
Oh, you don't know...
Arkady's planning something.
- Who cares? - I care.
I do.
I care.
Arkady and Deacon met three men
involved with him previously, serious armed robbers.
Something big is happening.
I thought that, um, it might be something
we could take advantage of, capitalize on, all of us.
Ah, that's why she came back, not to apologize.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go, honey.
Let's go. Come on.
Let's go.
It's a no.
You're here illegally with forged passports.
You violated your parole.
You've committed the robbery and a murder.
If the police were informed, you spend
the rest of your life locked up, probably
never see your country again.
You threatening me?
You're in this just as much as we are, princess.
I'm not involved in the slightest.
And whatever you say, they'll believe me over a pair
of convicted criminals.
Oh, and let's not forget the museum CCTV footage of
your recent shambolic endeavor.
You know, I think they'll be able to match your faces,
despite your mastery of disguise with baseball caps.
Oh, no, I think they worked.
They were shit.
I'll be upstairs in the bar for 15 minutes.
Excuse me.
What's shambolic?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What are you talking about?
It's a no?
You said it's a no like five fucking times.
It's a no.
It's a no?
She could call the cops on us.
She could... calm down.
Lower your fucking voice.
She could call the cops on us.
We're going to listen to what she has to say.
What are you wearing?
Are you... what are you Ron Jeremy?
This is what... This is what I wear...
Please, God.
When I get out of the shower,
and I don't want to put on pants, and I want
to feel like a goddamn man.
Please take that off.
In the name of baby Jesus, take that thing off.
I am so sorry. What is this?
You put on a shirt?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Are you trying to look pretty for someone?
Is it for me?
Do you want to look pretty for me?
Maybe.
No, I don't think it's me.
[chatter]
[doorbell ringing]
DEACON: Hello, handsome.
You all right, lads?
[thud]
How's the knee?
Better.
Looks fantastic.
You?
I think I need a dentist.
We're sorry about everything, sir.
DEACON: It's not a problem.
You kept quiet, yeah?
Not a word.
Shut up ever since.
You are?
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna get you a doctor, get you a dentist...
Dentist, give you some cash, send you away somewhere.
Get some sun till things die down.
How would your fancy Spain?
Sounds good, boss.
You two hungry?
Fish and chips?
Yeah.
Can I have a private word?
Yeah.
Be back in a jiffy.
Chips and curry sauce.
Shishkabob.
Mush and peas.
[inaudible] [gunshot]
THUG: Ugh.
[clanging]
[liquid dripping]
SILAS: [whimpering] Please.
Please, Deacon, Please.
Shh.
SILAS: Please.
Please, Deacon.
Please.
[gunshot]
[slurping]
We get in there, you let me do the talking, OK?
- You got it. - I got this.
You're gonna give me the ball.
You're the captain.
I know exactly what to say.
Run like OJ.
- Yes. - Take.
Off your glasses.
We're not going to do it.
Do you want me to call the police?
Yeah, go ahead.
Good luck with everything, hambone,
because we're not gonna do it.
What is it that you want?
If we're going to help, whatever
you got already planned...
I know you got something already planned...
We want 80%, not 50%.
80%, not 50-50.
Do you understand?
Not 50-50.
That's not fair.
What do you mean it's not fair?
We're not here to bargain with you, princess.
You need me.
Us.
A moment to process this information.
Take your moment.
[chatter]
Are you do... is it happening?
20% will be sufficient.
Yes!
20... sorry, 20% will be good.
All right, when this is finished, I'm gone.
This is... I'm done.
You understand?
I'm out of here.
That means I'm getting on a jet plane, going across the pond
back to where I belong.
You understand?
You got me?
Do you copy that?
She got it.
80%.
Pineapple.
[sirens in distance]
[door opens]
All right, chop, chop.
Great to be working with you again, Eddie.
[gunshots]
Right.
Sorry, could you concentrate?
Yeah.
Across this street is Deacon's pub.
He lives there with every illegal activity
that Arkady funds through it.
I suggest that we monitor it, follow him
and his associates from here.
Our entrance is on a completely different street.
Deacon won't see us come in or out.
Our base... we'll live here.
What's that smell?
[flies buzzing]
Oh, sorry.
Ugh.
[flies buzzing]
Good?
EDDIE: Makes sense.
I like it.
Dart board, I dig it.
PAUL: What are you fucking crazy?
This mural's amazing.
- This place is a shit hole. - We've got a lot of space.
I like...
They're painting over the fucking feces.
You don't even smell that?
Smells like a gorilla shit in his head and then
ate it and then shit again on the ground.
You better get me a hotel, because I'm
not fucking staying here.
Yeah, good.
Um, I've rented it.
There's food here in the fridge.
Bedding's in the other room.
Toiletries...
What the fuck is this?
You expect us to use this cheap, waxy shit?
Well, if you want more expensive items,
you'll have to pay for them out of your pocket.
Now, as we're all participating equally,
but I'm the sole person who's forwarding funds,
I will want my share of these purchase and the rent
on successful completion.
I've got an itemized bill with receipts of my spend so far.
You are going to need surveillance items.
Please list them, but no purchases
will be made until everyone's given the all-clear.
Agreed?
[sighs] Nice... Nice [inaudible]..
Is that what you call them, [inaudible]??
- Unique. - Yes.
Crazy.
What if I do this like that, go in there, Hong Kong Fu... ugh.
Interrupt me again, and I will snap your fucking arm off,
Cornelius. [Thud]
Listen up!
This is my high-end moisturized toilet paper.
Nobody fuckin' uses it.
Do you understand?
Huh?
EDDIE: Do you fucking understand?
For next week?
Lunch?
Bye.
Um.
[inaudible] why don't you get some sleep?
[inaudible] It's my shift.
Yeah.
KATHERINE: [inaudible] are always the best.
I'm sorry?
Come again?
In the '60s space race, NASA were faced with the problem
of inventing a pen for their astronauts that
would write in zero gravity...
Spent million, eventually came up with a pen that worked.
The Russians, faced with the same problem,
gave their cosmonauts a pencil.
Are you a Communist, Katherine?
Hey, dude, come on.
These are fun facts here.
Whether the story is true or not,
the point is we have spent too much time on a complex problem
while overlooking the elegant, a simple solution
that's right before our eyes.
Is that how you figured out about Louie and the steaks?
Well, that was obvious.
Total moron would've spotted that.
[laughs]
I bought napkins, you know, if you want to get a little...
I'm gonna... yeah.
Hey.
My turn.
[groans] Any action?
No, nothing.
We know what we are but not what we may be.
Wow.
Hey, how do you know Katherine, anyway?
- She's my cousin. - Really?
Yeah.
Why is she doing all this?
I mean, she's not exactly the criminal type.
She was working for a huge law firm.
Then, she met some chap who convinced
her to give him her life savings to start a business.
The business was going under, so he asked
her to get a loan from Arkady.
She did, and the fucker ran off with the money
and her best friend.
Next thing I know, she's working solely
for Arkady to pay the debt off.
I tried to track him down, but it was impossible.
Fucking snapped his neck.
[sirens in distance]
[inaudible] on the porch.
EDDIE (ON PHONE): I see him.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna follow him on foot.
[laughter, chatter, music]
My shift.
[inaudible]
Yeah.
I actually may go for a walk.
I'm gonna go walk.
Go for a walk real quick.
Hello, darling.
What can I get you?
You can start by getting me a beer.
You're an American, are you?
Yes, ma'am.
Say that again.
Yes, ma'am.
[CHATTER, LAUGHTER, MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I work for NASA.
No.
Yes, it's crazy.
Stephen Hawking got me the job.
But anyway, I had to stop, because I
went on this insane mission.
One time, there was an asteroid coming to earth, right?
Wow.
But we need to blow it up, so it doesn't it earth.
We had to split it into two, right?
But I came...
I'm so tired of saving the world.
So I was like, you know what?
I'll just produce movies.
- I'm in the arts, you know. - You?
What do you do?
Mm.
Up there.
My pictures, you see?
You made those.
"Genital Fruits."
"Genital Fruits" is what you call them.
My name's Dawn, by the way.
Teddy Roosevelt.
DAWN: [giggles] Oh, for fuck's sake, Dexter.
Excuse me.
I'm here at the weekends usually.
Oh yeah?
Mm.
No.
I told you it was over.
Now, off it. Come on.
[laughter, chatter]
Good morning.
Top of the morning.
How did your...
Your mission go?
Waste of time.
That bar was busy.
I couldn't understand their accents, though.
They don't speak like you do.
No, they're old-school working-class cockneys...
Dying breed.
Kept saying the "C" word.
Cunt.
Yeah.
They kept saying "dog and bone" and "throw
a pint down my Gregory."
Gregory Peck.
Yeah, throw... throw a beer down my Gregory Peck... neck.
That's... what is that?
KATHERINE: It's rhyming, Cockney rhyming slang.
Slang?
KATHERINE: It's rhymes.
Dog and bone is, um, phone.
Cool. (SPEAKING WITH A BRITISH ACCENT) Dog and bone.
Gregory Peck neck.
Hey, mate.
Oy, mate.
Oy.
Innit?
Gregory Peck neck, innit...
Innit?
Pretty good, huh?
Uh.
I'll work on it.
Any tips?
KATHERINE: Imagine you're chewing
on a sandwich whilst talking.
Right.
KATHERINE: Best if we send Uncle Martin to listen next time
they go to the Hawaiian bar.
[drilling]
- See something? - No.
No.
Thought there were... That's, uh... it's my shift.
OK.
Tea, Eddie?
EDDIE: I'm good, thank you.
[music playing, chatter]
MAN: What are you doing?
[chatter]
MAN: [inaudible] smell, do you?
[inaudible] smell, do you?
Upon seeing a young lady, degrading comments are made.
Mickey... "I'd finger her with all five."
Deacon... "You fucking cunt, the only thing you've fingered"
is your asshole."
Laughter ensues.
MAN: George... "Look at the tits on it."
I'd bang that whore till it dropped off."
UNCLE MARTIN: Milroy Primas...
"I never go down on bad pussy.
Mickey... "I bet she could swallow"
and fart at the same time."
I have swallow and part.
No, I think it's "swallow and fart."
Doesn't make sense at all.
UNCLE MARTIN: I agree.
MAN: What wold be the point of swallowing?
Thank you, Uncle.
Very thorough.
Excellent work.
Not a problem, Thomas.
May I ask, is Mr. Deacon a herpetologist?
What's that?
MAN: Well, it's from the Greek "herpene," meaning "to creep";
A branch of zoology dealing with the study of amphibians.
UNCLE MARTIN: I'm asking because the gentleman
with the extravagant hairstyle, Deacon,
he kept on repeating, "Blue Iguana."
Blue Iguana this, blue Iguana that.
"The money that fat tub of shit, Arkady, and us will be making
will be fucking orgasmic."
Blue Iguana, it's a diamond.
Sorry, are we... what happened?
Blue Iguana... it's a diamond.
Oh, does it have magical powers, like it
curses anybody who touches it?
You see what you're going to look like when you're old?
No, it's just a diamond.
If you look into, do you see your future?
In the '80s, a Turkish prince married an Englishwoman.
He purchased the Blue Iguana as a wedding gift.
He loved her.
But she partied, gambled.
She was too wild for him.
It didn't work.
But wouldn't divorce her.
He went home, sent her to Switzerland,
provided her with a few million a year.
My heart bleeds.
A few months ago, I heard he decided to take her back.
He wants to present her at a family
gathering wearing the diamond.
So?
So she lost it in a card game to a man named Jacob Taylor.
Without it, he won't take her back.
The diamond is kept in a high-security safety deposit
center.
If Arkady steals the diamond for the princess,
she'll be welcomed back and ensure that he
is too, very lucrative for him.
Arkady's tired of funding Deacon's
illegal activities to survive.
He wants to make a large amount of money and retire.
PAUL: Do you know this princess?
KATHERINE: Vaguely.
PAUL: Mm.
KATHERINE: Arkady introduced us, did some work for him.
And how do you propose we get into this high-tech facility,
huh?
You've got to be juiced up on the inside.
We know fucking nothing.
They could have security systems, timers, smart waters,
fucking motion sensor detectors.
They could have all that shit, and we don't know.
Because we can't fuckin' see.
Don't need to know.
EDDIE: We'll steal it from Deacon when he steals it,
give it to the princess, collect the reward.
Simple solution to a complex problem.
PAUL: OK.
If that simple solution works, what do you think she'll pay?
Between $5 million to $6 million?
And is that pounds or...
No, that's pounds.
That's pounds.
EDDIE: You know, the other day when I was, uh...
When I went into, uh...
You know, when I tried to...
I wanted to say I was tired.
My head was...
I'm sorry.
And thanks for getting Arkady off our backs
and saving our lives.
[sighs] So did anything...
I owe you, OK?
Mm.
After they steal it, how are they going to this rock
to the princess?
Diamond.
Yeah, the Purple Serpent or whatever it is.
Well, Arkady can't go to her in Switzerland
because of various offenses.
So she's either coming here, or he's sending a courier.
EDDIE: He won't trust a courier.
He's going to want to give it to her personally.
If we find out when she's coming,
we'll know when they're hitting the diamond.
I know her travel agent.
She's coming here.
He may tell me.
Do it.
Call him.
[sirens in distance]
Could I have a cappuccino to go, please?
[coffee machine]
KATHERINE: He said she's coming in a month.
He said that she's coming in a month.
We can't wait a month.
What do you suggest?
We need to twist the pig's ear, watch it squeal.
KATHERINE: Yes, clearly.
I don't understand that metaphor.
We need to put the squeeze on Arkady,
so the cops jump all over him.
And he's forced into stealing the diamond sooner
rather than later.
It's got to be something big, but you'd
have to scare the crap out of him, panic him into action.
Arkady just claimed insurance on this building.
He upped his insurance policy just
before Deacon set fire to it.
He used the insurance money so he could fix it up and sell it,
but the police are still investigating the incident.
That's good.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Possibly.
EDDIE: Yeah?
KATHERINE: We blow the hell out of the building,
so the police jump all over Arkady, which should make
him steal the diamond faster.
Got full crew in the car.
CORNELIUS (ON PHONE): Roger, Pauly.
Go get him, Corny.
CORNELIUS (ON PHONE): Over and out.
Yep.
[beeping]
All right, you son of a bitch.
Bullseye.
Oh!
Bullseye.
My shift.
Yeah.
Hey, Tommy, do you mind if I borrow your gun real quick?
What?
Why?
I'm going to the pub next door.
I'm gonna snoop around.
Feel safer having it on me, you know what I mean?
Have you told Eddie about your visits?
What's... who cares... It's not even a big...
He won't even care... we're... You know what I mean?
So.
It's a special edition Glock 26 polymer-framed
semiautomatic pistol.
Try not to kill a child.
Yeah, no, no.
I wouldn't kill a child.
I am just honestly going next...
I'm going to probably find something out,
so it's good to have this just in case I
need a [makes shooting noises]
Mhm.
So fuck you.
Have fun.
Let me get a whiskey and whatever
the pretty lady would like.
DAWN: Hello, Ted.
PAUL: Oh, you remember my name.
Yeah.
Oh.
How's the girlfriend, the?
Oh, no, I don't have a girlfriend.
She left me when I was on the asteroid.
- Aw. - I know.
And I loved her.
I mean, I loved her.
I gave her everything.
I gave her cars.
I gave her love.
But when you're on that asteroid and you're saving the world,
it becomes...
Like you become like a hero.
And sometimes, I can't handle.
Here you go, darling.
Well, make the bitch die confused and alone.
Fuck yeah.
[clink]
[laughs]
Hey, um, why don't you and I get a little dinner, maybe
a drink, and talk about this?
[text notification]
I've made other arrangements.
Excuse me?
Where are you going?
I have to go.
EDDIE: Uh, you don't have time for...
See you later!
[door closes]
If you come with me right now, you may find yourself having
an experience so fucking intense,
it'll make you feel lit up from the inside
like you've never fucking felt before.
[hiccups] [giggles]
It's so great to see you.
[inaudible]
[laughs] Mhm.
[grunting, snorting]
Oh, actually, actually, you know, where's your bathroom?
Uh, in the pub.
Good.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna use it, OK?
And then, you're going to go upstairs?
Yeah.
OK, I'm gonna fuck you?
Mhm.
I'm gonna have it...
I'm going... I'm going to do this and this?
[laughs] Promises, promises, eh?
Don't be long.
MAN: [inaudible] anyway, so.
KATHERINE: I'm just running to the toilet.
I'll be back.
MAN: Fuck off, having a shit.
Yeah.
Yup, yup, yup.
MAN: Fuck.
[grunting] Got it.
[crying] [sighs] What are you doing here?
EDDIE: How weird.
Came here for the fish and chips.
This is a good restaurant.
You OK?
TV: And now on [inaudible], , it's Robert.
Danova with "Notte D'amore"
[MUSIC - ROBERTO DANOVA, "NOTTE D'AMORE"]
Disgusting little man.
[gags]
[blows nose]
Who is that guy?
He the guy who took all your cash?
Tommy told you?
Why do women always go for these douche bags?
Why are you talking to this guy?
KATHERINE: You can call me naive,
but I thought he wanted to get back with me.
He wanted money.
You want me to kick his ass?
I was joking.
Forget about him, me kicking his ass.
Positive... you've got to stay positive, honey.
Glass half... (SPEAKING WITH A BRITISH ACCENT)
glass half full.
You know, I saved your life.
And you said if there was a favor you could do for me...
Katherine, look, let me explain.
It's... it's... it's embarrassing.
I'm taking these.
Katherine?
Katherine.
Where are you going?
EDDIE: Let's not do this.
Come on, have a chip.
Sit down.
Relax.
Out of my way.
Hey, stop being a douche bag.
Come on.
[thud]
[gasps]
[glass shattering]
[groaning] Get your hands off me, you American prick.
[groaning] Fucking hell.
[thud]
EDDIE: You want some more money?
[thuds]
[glass shattering, groans]
[MUSIC - VIOLENT FEMMES, "GOOD FEELING"]
EDDIE: Can I make you some coffee?
[toilet flushes]
Where you been?
Nowhere.
Stop.
What the fuck?
Is that my fucking toilet paper?
Uh, no.
PAUL: Yes, it is.
That's my fucking toilet paper.
Where's my gun?
I don't have it on me right now.
What gun? What happened?
Paul went to Deacon's pub and fucked what I can only assume
was the ghost of Christmas past.
Son of a bitch.
TOMMY: Where's my gun?
EDDIE: OK, it might be in the toilet of Deacon's pub.
First things first, where are my wet wipes?
They wanted me for Frodo.
No shit, Frodo Baggins?
This is 1999.
I was, uh, much thinner then.
The director, he loved me.
Took me for lunch, said I was too tall.
Ugh.
To make me hobbit size was going to add a $1 million
per foot.
Yeah, $1 million a foot for every effects shot.
A million dollars?
I'm six-foot-two.
Yeah, you're huge.
So they went with the shorter fellow.
Elijah Wood.
Mm.
Fuck that.
You know what?
I'm going to put you in my independent movie.
Really?
Yes.
Think about it for a second, OK?
It starts with a 45-minute one-shot.
Do you like lens flare?
Fuck, I love lens flare.
There's so much lens flare in this, you're going to be like,
what?
What's going on?
There's so much fucking lens flare.
- Close your eyes. - Yeah.
I'm gonna give you the working title...
"No More Nothing."
Ooh, yeah.
Whew.
Yeah.
"No More Nothing."
Think about it.
I like it.
Yeah?
I like it, Pauly.
It's dark.
It sort of hangs.
Hangs there, doesn't it?
Yeah.
But then, it just drops.
Into nothing or...
Everything.
Hey, come on, guys. Let's move.
We've got other floors to do.
Let's go.
Ordinates working well?
EDDIE: Yeah, perfect, sir.
Thank you for your help.
You're a good man, Uncle Martin.
CORNELIUS: Where do want this?
EDDIE: Right there, Corny.
Yeah, pack it to the brim.
When in doubt...
Overload?
I spot a fellow military man from a mile away.
Ever so thrilled to be working with you all again.
All this sitting around on cool surfaces
is terrible for the prostate.
PAUL: Prostate?
We all know roughly where it is, but where
exactly is the prostate?
Well, you know when you shove your finger up your ass?
No.
Do people do... what do you mean?
[sirens in distance]
Get that thing out of my fucking face.
You've got to just wrap those things up.
Yeah, look at it. TOMMY: It's disgusting.
This is going to save your life one day.
Imagine if you have a hole right here.
Ugh. Get that thing away...
Hey, guys, come on.
PAUL: Everybody's be fucking let go.
I wish I...
You still got that?
How long you had this fucking thing?
PAUL: For a while, but if you get hurt,
you're going to want me to use.
TOMMY: You need to keep it sterile.
[opera music playing]
I say.
TOMMY: Someone's been shopping.
PAUL: [clears throat] Do you want us to... are we blowing...
We're blowing someone up, right?
Uh.
PAUL: Should we...
Yeah.
Let's, um... yeah, so, uh, don't touch it till you're ready.
[heartbeat pounding]
[beep]
[explosion]
Ah!
KATHERINE: Police have called.
They're preparing investigation into the matter,
especially because you claimed insurance on the previous fire.
They found traces of explosives.
I'll do my best, but we are sailing close to the wind
on this one, Arkady.
Couple of my sources tell me that the police
will arrest you in the next few days, maybe even today.
Seems you have a personal grudge.
Any idea who could have done it?
ARKADY: You know, in my country, you could talk to anyone...
Judges, police, lawyers.
Just give them a little something,
and they make things disappear.
Ah, I miss it, my people.
They understood these ways, because they're
human, not like these dishonest bumfuckers.
[thud]
Oh, yes.
Look, see if you can buy some time with the police.
Say... what?
Say anything.
Yeah?
Yeah, look, find... Find your own way out.
I've got to go, so...
[door closes]
Yeah?
OK, I see him.
I got him.
[traffic]
[aerobics music playing]
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR (ON TV): Up, two, three, four, and up.
Up.
Hold it here.
Four, three, two, one.
Let's go.
And up, two, three, four.
And squeeze.
Gotta be kidding me.
AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR (ON TV): Up, two, three, four,
and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
Up, two, three, four, and freeze.
Ridiculous.
What is he doing?
Is this like a British thing?
Put the squeeze on this guy, he goes to a fucking salsa class.
TOMMY: I don't think this is salsa.
This is some sort of fusion, sort
of Nazi-themed with urban street dance.
Tommy.
Ridiculous.
What else we gotta do?
We blew up a fucking building.
He spends hours there.
He's drinking smoothies, eating granola.
PAUL: This is nothing.
Corny, did you get anything today?
[inaudible] little fella.
Tommy?
Nothing, yeah.
Great.
What have you got with Deacon and the boys?
Followed them into town.
Saw them for hours.
Lost them for like 30 minutes.
Saw them again right here at the pub, and that's where they are.
I had fucking nothing for today.
Great.
We have fucking nothing.
What are we doing?
Eddie, what do we do?
Eddie!
Eddie, stop.
What are we fucking doing?
I'm sorry, princess, we got to go.
You're sorry?
Don't fucking call me princess.
What are you saying?
You're just going to go back to America?
If we stay here any longer, we're in trouble, big trouble.
It's that easy for you?
Well, before you go, let me just tell you that that bag that's
in this video is our bag, the same bag you
stole which had the bonds in.
And the man taking the bag here is
head of security at the Blue Iguana safety deposit center,
where the Blue Iguana's stored.
Arkady's clearly exchanged the bonds you
stole for the security codes.
They're going to just walk straight in... no safe cracking,
no explosives... just take the Blue Iguana
and walk straight out.
Your plan to put the squeeze on Arkady actually worked.
But if you're just so desperate to leave,
don't let me stop you.
I need some ice cream.
You all right?
Just tired.
Want a little?
Have a little... Little ice cream?
[phone ringing]
Yes?
Oh, hello.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
That was the princess's travel agent.
He says she's landing in a few hours,
staying at a hotel for six hours,
and then flying straight out.
Tell me what happened with Deacon again.
Yep.
Followed him and the apes all day, lost them in town for bit,
picked them back up, followed them to Deacon's pub,
and that's where they are right now.
They closed the place down for the night.
[text notification]
TOMMY: It's Uncle Martin.
Arkady just got on a train back into town.
BOTH: They stole it today.
They have the diamond.
PAUL: They got the diamond.
They got the diamond.
What's happening?
KATHERINE: They stole it when you lost
them in town for 30 minutes.
Arkady must have left town, so he
wouldn't be around when it was stolen
in case something happened.
He's coming back now, knowing it's been successful.
They'll deliver it to Arkady, who'll give it to the princess
today.
Gang's protecting Deacon until delivery.
We need to hit the pub right now.
PAUL: Wait.
Wait Wait.
I don't know if we have to go... We don't have to go right now.
We can't go in there guns blazing.
That's fucking suicide.
What about this?
Let's think for a second.
We're not even thinking.
We're not throwing ideas around.
If we think like an intricate plan
that involves no violence and no guns at all and then
we sneak in when they're totally unaware
and do it without shooting or fucking killing...
Because we could do that.
We're sneaky.
Let's think it through for a second.
Why don't you sit this one out, pal?
PAUL: Maybe I watch from the monitor,
make sure everything's going wrong...
If something goes wrong, I... Yeah.
(STUTTERING) I'll yell...
Someone needs to.
Someone needs to watch the monitor.
You know what I mean?
Outside in 10?
[door opens]
[sirens in distance]
[door closes]
Hey.
Listen, I told the guys if we get
the rock and something happens to one of us, just keep going.
This yous?
EDDIE: Um.
KATHERINE: Let me see it. - Maybe.
Ehhh.
OK.
EDDIE: It's just a dumb comic book.
Final battle.
His castle lies ahead.
He holds her captive there.
I have no fear.
Her love is my shield against evil,
for I know she would sacrifice her life for me
also, for her love is true.
[train whistle, chugging]
[clinking]
Does it match my blue eyes?
[laughs]
[sighs] Get the car.
I'm going for a piss.
[MUSIC - TOM JONES, "DID TROUBLE ME"]
[gunshots, glass shattering]
[jingling]
[gunshots, glass shattering]
Ugh.
[jingling]
You'll be fine.
I need to ditch that car.
[jingling]
Your timing is perfect.
DEACON (ON PHONE): Had some trouble with the police
on the way to you.
ARKADY (ON PHONE): What kind of trouble?
We don't know yet.
Can't move.
ARKADY (ON PHONE): Where are you?
Between places.
I'll call you in an hour.
No, don't.
[beep]
Where did you go, David fucking Blaine?
I went to get the car, boss.
Car?
Where's the car, France?
It was around the corner, but then, you've
got to get it nice and warm.
Get it warm?
It's fucking summer.
The air conditioning in that car... it should be
warm for the air conditioning.
DEACON: It's like fucking Vietnam,
fucking Syria, fucking ISIS all rolled into fucking one
in here.
ISIS... ISIS?
ISIS, it's a terrorist organization
formed out of Al-Qai... watch... Watch the fucking news!
It does get very hot in the car, there, boss.
Shut your mouth, you fucking twat.
Move that useless lump downstairs
with the other useless prats.
EDDIE: [laughter]
DEACON: What are you laughing at, yankee?
I love that accent.
It's crazy exotic.
You're the one that's tied to a fucking pool table,
so I'd keep your fucking mouth fucking shut.
EDDIE: Are we gonna be here for a while, you think?
DEACON: How much she paying you, that
ugly fucking four-eyed cow?
Hey, don't worry about her.
DEACON: Yeah?
Everything is going to be just fine.
DEACON: I don't fucking trust her.
She could be playing you like a violin, man.
Eh, maybe.
I don't know.
I just hope I'm fucking wrong about her.
Wrong about her?
DEACON: Hope she cares more about you than the diamond,
because you're my fucking only way out of here, yankee.
Do you get me?
[dialing phone]
[phone ringing]
It's him.
[phone ringing]
DEACON (ON PHONE): I've got what you want.
You've got what I want.
What are you gonna do?
All right, I'll give you what you want,
but only in a public place.
I'm gonna send someone over to stay with you,
see if our man's OK.
Once you've released him to my friend and he's safe,
I'll hand it over.
DEACON (ON PHONE): Where?
Morris, Lover Lane, 45 minutes.
You're gonna have to go in there.
No fucking way.
KATHERINE: No, they're not going to do anything
to you, as long as I have this.
Anyway, they do know you're coming.
What the fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck is happening right now?
You left the gun in the toilet.
Oh my god.
KATHERINE: The gun, you left in the toilet.
Is it still there? I don't know.
Maybe.
I have no idea.
KATHERINE: Here's what's going to happen.
You go in there, see if he's OK.
You ask permission to use the toilet.
You get the gun.
I'll phone you when I'm with Deacon, say "good luck."
Get the gun out, start shooting.
Just fucking kill them all.
Oh, but oh, this isn't "The Godfather,"
and I'm not Al fucking Pacino, OK?
Listen.
Listen, Katherine, I'm not a killer.
I know I bigged myself up to you,
but I'm just a fucking smartass with a big mouth.
KATHERINE: I'd gathered.
Thing is, Paul, that you sat the last one out.
If you'd been with us, Tommy might not have been injured.
And Eddie definitely wouldn't have been taken.
I can't do it.
Got no choice, princess.
[door opens]
Think you're smart picking this place
near a police station?
[sirens in the distance]
You have any idea what I'm gonna do to that ugly face of yours
when this is over?
Put up your hands up against the wall.
Where?
Over there.
You all right?
EDDIE: Hey, man, never been better.
Feel great.
Yeah?
You sit down.
You shut your mouth.
EDDIE: Great to see you, pal.
Over there.
What the heck you doing here?
Oh, I was just passing by.
Shut up.
I want him out of there, and then I'll give it you.
Well, let's see it.
[jingling]
MAN: I could do with a smoke.
GEORGE: Disappearing again?
[inaudible] get some cigarettes.
You're making a habit out of this.
I'll be back.
MAN: Just get back quicker this time, yeah?
Can I go to the bathroom, please?
Are you scared, mate?
He's got a bad tummy.
Ooh, upset tummy, yeah?
Yes.
Go ahead and fuck off.
It's over there.
[door closes]
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Hurry up.
Come on.
[phone ringing]
MAN (ON PHONE): Yeah?
Put their guy on.
PAUL (ON PHONE): Hello?
Is he OK?
PAUL (ON PHONE): Yeah.
Yeah, he's OK.
OK, well call me you're both safe.
Good luck.
Can I get you anything, sir?
Fuck off.
This one's on you, ugly son of a bitch.
Goodbye, Katherine.
Thank you for the call.
You are now debt-free.
[groans]
ARKADY: Now, now, you don't want to cause
a scene with the local constabulary here, eh?
She's got the diamond.
ARKADY: Of course.
She's got it.
Ugh.
She's got it.
You steal it and then call Katherine
to bribe her to take you to the princess
to take everything yourself.
Arkady, she stole it.
Like you tried to steal the bonds by sending
those two men of yours.
You know, they turned up with holes in their heads.
EDDIE: Hey.
[sniffs] What's that smell?
You smell that?
George, George, George, George, George, George, of the Jungle.
[laughs] What the fuck is that smell?
Do you smell that?
Was that in your pants?
You got some poopy in your pants,
little boy Georgie-borgie?
Georgie got a poopy in his pants?
That smells like a skunk with fucking
herpes crawled up your fucking red baboon ass and fucking
died.
Jesus Christ, you stink.
Fucking take a bath, motherfucker.
Shut the fuck up.
EDDIE: Ah.
Fuck!
[thuds]
[gunshots]
EDDIE: [grunting] [gasping] [inaudible] Ah.
[gunshots]
Motherfuck.
[groaning, freaking out]
It's OK.
It's just blood.
Let's... come on, let's go.
[whimpering]
It's OK.
Come here.
Untie me.
[crying]
EDDIE: Ow!
Ow! Fuck!
What are you fucking doing?
PAUL: Stopping the bleeding. EDDIE: Ow!
Get the fuck away from me.
Fucking untie me.
Jesus Christ.
The fuck is the matter with you?
[gunshots]
[thud]
Oh, fuck.
[clanging]
[whimpering]
Hey, it's OK.
Just go... go wash it off.
Hey, where's... is she OK? [inaudible]
Where's Katherine?
- Hey. - Hi.
- What's up?
Yeah, not much.
[panting]
What took you so long?
Sorry.
Uh, you need to see this.
OK, we don't have much time.
PAUL: Guys, did I get everything off?
Well, did George accidentally shoot
himself in the head because of the guilt of smelling so bad?
I had a yankee tied to the fucking pool table.
Oh yeah?
Did... did... did he want a share of the diamond,
and you wouldn't give it to him?
What are you talking about?
All my men are fucking dead.
Well, I can see that.
DEACON: I've been shot in the shoulder, Arkady.
It's a nice shirt, that one.
Look, make sure all the doors are locked and come back, hm?
You know what?
I know it's here somewhere.
She's got the diamond.
I'm not going to look for it...
[door closes]
Because you are going to tell me where it is.
Yeah?
She's got the diamond, I swear on my life.
[whimpering]
You got shot in your shoulder?
[groaning]
Am I stupid?
[thud]
DEACON: [groaning]
Nice.
Where's the diamond, eh?
Where's the diamond, hm?
[screams]
[gunshot]
ARKADY: You.
[footsteps running]
[gunshot]
But...
[gunshot]
Ugh.
[thud]
Yes!
[panting] Who's the boss now, eh?
Eh?
Look at you, you're dead.
You're fucking dead!
(TAUNTING) Na, na, na, na, na.
[panting] Bastard.
We have a car.
Are we all shipshape?
Yeah.
Splendid.
- Ah. - Shit.
Fuck.
I forgot.
Are you OK?
Just don't bleed on my car, will you?
[guzzling]
[coughing] Whew.
What you doing here?
What you done to your hand?
Caught it in a door.
[laughs] Fucking retard.
I got tickets for Barbados.
We've got to leave now to catch your flight.
DAWN: You're having a laugh, what, now?
Yeah, well my passport and bags are my sister's so.
We can swing by.
I've got to see a friend at a hotel on the way.
Well, you coming?
All right, keep your fucking hair on.
[laughs]
What is it?
What is that?
The place has VIPs all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Just keep moving.
We're going upstairs.
Sit down.
No, no, sit down.
Do you need me?
EDDIE: OK, we're going to sit down
in a normal, unsuspicious way. Watch this.
What's in your pockets?
Nothing.
Always it's a little firecracker, OK?
Jesus, there's a fucking cop over there.
I know there's a fucking cop over there.
It's a... it's a very small bomb, OK?
Very small... it's very small.
Fuck's sake, we're going upstairs to see a princess.
Shh. Shh.
Shh.
You don't know. You don't know.
How well do you know this princess?
If you get into trouble, I am not helping you out.
[ding] - Come on.
Let's go.
Don't tell me what to do.
Visiting someone at the Star Plaza Hotel.
Oh, this is the Premium Plaza Hotel car park.
You want our sister hotel?
That's just five minutes away, sir.
It's a common mistake.
[car horn]
Deacon, you are a fucking spastic.
Can you let me in?
I'll come straight out.
I can' do a U-turn.
Yes, but you'll need to take a ticket to come in.
And then, you'll have to pay when you come out.
It doesn't matter here just for a minute.
How much?
Christ on a bike, it says 10 pound on the sign.
[car honking]
[giggles] He's a bit dim, just like his poor, deceased father.
So sorry about this.
[car honking]
MAN: Hey, get a move on.
[ding]
Thank you so much.
KATHERINE: Hi.
What about the... the delivery.
OK, follow me.
Katherine, what are you doing here?
Where's Arkady?
Uh, well, actually, I don't work for him anymore.
But we have your diamond.
You look different.
Oh, no.
No, no.
[giggles nervously] Nothing like that.
DAWN: Oy, moron, where are we going?
Don't tell me you're fucking lost in a fucking car park.
We've got to get to the airport.
I've got to pack my bags, get sorted.
What the fuck's going on?
What?
I said, what's going on with you, you fucking moron?
Oh my god, you are dim, aren't you,
just like your fucking dad?
Right nonce he turned out to be.
13-and-a-half I was... 13-and-a-half
when he took my innocence.
Should have had you fucking terminated.
And look what he produced.
Look at it.
Look at the little shit he fucking well produced.
Come on, for fuck's sake. [Bang]
Ah!
Get a move... what?
[cries out]
Move.
Drive the fucking car.
Move it!
What the fuck is the matter with you?
What the fuck?
What the...
[cracking]
Be polite for once in your life, fucking rude cow!
Look what you fucking made me do, you fucking stupid cow.
[thud]
Ah, fuck!
Let me help you with that, sir.
[clinking]
Show me.
[jingling]
Stefan?
Yes, ma'am?
[jingling]
Stop shaking your leg.
[chatter]
I'm gonna be back in one second, all right?
TOMMY: Paul, no, don't go in... what are you doing?
Paul. Paul.
- CORNELIUS: Don't. - Sorry, sir.
Yeah?
Can't let you go in there.
What's, uh, what's shooting?
Some zombie shit.
Shooting on the roof.
Holy fuck.
Is that Kyle Nathan?
He's tiny.
He needs a lot of boxes, huh?
Uh, we're gonna need a bigger box.
I'm gonna say hello to him real quick.
- I can't let you go in there. - I'm a film producer.
I've really got to get inside. That's not going to happen.
You sure?
Are you sure?
Yeah, you can't go in there.
Kyle.
Hey, Kyle.
Kyle?
Kyle.
Kyle?
[jingling]
[police radio chatter]
Of course, sir.
They're filming a zombie movie on the roof.
Couldn't give a fuck.
Right.
Kyle Nathan's in it.
I'm sure you give a fuck now, right?
He's a friend. No idea who he is.
- Is he? - Great friend.
CORNELIUS: OK.
You know him?
EDDIE: Yeah.
I don't wanna bother him, though, so.
All right.
- Never heard of him. - Really?
Young guy?
EDDIE: He's a huge... huge...
Kicks and punches and all that stuff.
CORNELIUS: Oh, right, [inaudible]
EDDIE: He's that guy who jump in the air,
and he kicks and punches at the same time.
CORNELIUS: Ah, right.
So he hit your balls in your face.
Oof.
Pretty incredible.
PRINCESS: Katherine, can I ask you a question?
Yes. Yes, of course.
Got any coke?
No.
Weed?
No.
[elevator dings]
EDDIE: All right, kids, let's look alive.
Let's go.
[laughs] Right.
We take a little trip to the bathroom.
Keep your mouths fucking shut, or I'll fucking
drop the light here right now.
Now, move, you bunch of sunglass-wearing cunts.
Move! EDDIE: What?
You don't want to get some tea and talk about it?
[zipping]
[panting]
[kiss]
Look at you lot, pack of fucking cunts.
Whatever happened to normal fucking people,
like me and my dad, the 1982 England World Cup team?
[inaudible] What happened to proper men...
Telly Savalas, Lee Majors...
Masculine, proper fucking man?
You, fucking American cunt, you're first.
I'm gonna get a big fucking knife
and stab your fat fucking head... Stab it so many fucking times,
it's going explode.
And then, I'm gonna shoot you.
I'm gonna shoot you between the head.
And you, you devious four-eyed ugly cow,
I'm gonna set fire to your tits with petrol.
And you, I'm gonna cut your fucking balls off
and staple them to your fucking ears.
And you, Groucho, I'm gonna cut your dick
off and turn it into ravioli.
I'm gonna get this ugly bastard, this ginger
fuck ugly busted to rape you with a fucking strap-on.
He's going to have two cocks?
Yeah.
So how does it work?
Is the strap-on above the first cock?
Yes.
That would just fuck my asshole and above my...
Shut up!
Shut your fucking mouth!
EDDIE: Listen.
[clears throat] Listen, Billy.
Back up, back up... Who the fuck is Billy?
You're going for the whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing, right?
Shut up.
Business in the front, party in the back.
I...
Shut up!
How's that song?
We'll give you a little bit of that song.
Shh.
(SINGING) Don't tell my heart... go head, help me out.
Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart.
I just don't think he'd understand.
DEACON: Shut up!
EDDIE: Help me out.
Shut the fuck up!
'Cause if you break my heart, my achy breaky heart, he might
blow up and kill this man.
DEACON: Shut your fucking mouth!
Get out!
Go fuck yourself.
[beep]
[explosion]
[ringing]
Ugh.
[gagging]
[yelling] Someone blew up in front of us!
Someone blew up in front of us!
EDDIE: Shh. Shh.
Shh. It's OK.
It's OK. CORNELIUS: Just calm down.
Someone's going to hear you. Shh.
How did you know that wasn't gonna blow all of us up?
What?
How did you know that wasn't gonna blow up all of us?
Very small.
It's a very small bomb.
It's like a firecracker, OK?
Ugh.
Lower your voice, because there's people outside.
Lower your voice.
The money's all ruined, all of it.
Not all of it.
We've got a cashier's check.
You've always got to plan ahead.
PAUL: [gagging] I'm sick.
Aways plan ahead.
We didn't want to carry that much cash,
so we asked for a cashier's check for five million pounds.
PAUL: Huh?
I'm sorry, we have five million pounds?
KATHERINE: Five.
EDDIE: Five million pounds.
I'm sorry, we have five million pounds?
Shh. Shh.
Shh.
[cheering, laughing]
[gagging]
[humming]
TOMMY: Guys?
Guys.
Guys, guys, we have a very big problem.
There's no water.
Look at us.
The place is full of policemen and security.
How the fuck are we going to get [gags]
How are we going to get out?
OK.
Hey, just a minute.
- Oh, Christ. - Good.
Fanta... so we're with the move... we're with the movie.
We're zombies.
And we had to go... we had to head off and go to craft room.
But we're zombies.
Tommy, we're zombies.
Show him.
[growling]
[SPEAKING WITH INAUDIBLE COCKNEY ACCENT]
Oh, right, sorry.
Of course, go right through, sir.
Just a minute... better escort you to the exit.
Follow me, please.
Let's go inside.
That makes sense.
That all makes sense.
Thank you.
[MUSIC - AURITA CASTILLO Y SU CONJUNTO, "CHAMBACU"]
[speaking latin]
What's that?
TOMMY: It's Latin.
It means, to dare is to do.
[speaking latin] To dare is to do.
[speaking latin] I like that.
It's, uh, chivalrous.
Paul, lovely to work with you.
Pleasure.
Cornelius, always a pleasure.
Eddie, it's been a sincere pleasure
working with you again.
And if you're ever in London, call me anytime.
You got it pal.
Mm. Thank you.
- All right. - Mm.
- Yup. - Mm.
You're independable.
Mm.
All right.
Now.
Oh, Jesus.
Mm.
[kiss]
Flattered.
Yeah, no.
Too much.
Katherine.
Tommy.
Corny, you want to hear about my movie?
Why not indeed?
EDDIE: It's going to cost $1 billion.
Yeah.
Look after this for me for a second?
[door closes]
Farewell, chaps.
Bye, Corny.
The road that has no turnings.
[door closes]
What the fuck did he say?
Mm, no, don't know.
Yes.
[MUSIC - THE NORTHERN LIGHT SYMPHONY, "NOTTE D'AMORE]"
[MUSIC - THE ONLY ONES, "ANOTHER GIRL, ANOTHER PLANET"]
I always flirt with death.
I could kill, but I don't care about it.
I can face your threats and stand up straight and tall
and shout about it.
I think I'm on another world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet with you, with you.
You get under my skin.
I don't find it irritating.
You always play to win, but I won't
need rehabilitating, oh no.
I think I'm on another world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet with you, with you.
Another girl, another planet.
[music playing]
Now, it's the time, as the days grow short
and the long nights end in sun in a rise, blinded
by light as we familiarize.
Feeling right by summer, sipping on some coconut water.
[inaudible] when we recover, and we saunter back to our quarter.
Bunch of tin can drummers.
[inaudible] all night.
Fuck the tin can
drummers.
'Cause I gotta speed it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed it up, up, up.
Now, I gotta speed it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed it up, up, up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Gotta speed it up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Now, I gotta speed it up.