I was born by the special will of Heaven
in this age of iron
to revive the lost age of chivalry.
I am the man to whom all dangers are expressly reserved,
grand adventures
and brave feats.
I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.
This is a perfect day for adventures, Sancho.
I feel it in my bones.
Good God, Sancho!
A giant! - Where?
There!
With arms six miles long!
Terrible grinding teeth.
I have sworn to rid the Earth of these foul,
and fearsome giants.
- It's just a... - I'm Don Quixote de la Mancha!
- It's just a windmill. - Prepare to die!
Oh God!
Help!
Oh... and cut right there. Good work!
Speak in English, for Christ's sake!
No, no, it's not "We can muck up the world",
it's "We can fuck up the world" That's what I wrote and that's what we're gonna shoot.
Me organ grinder, you monkey. No aqua, thank you.
- This was good one, do we keep it? - That's someone else's job, isn't it?
I said I want laughing, smiling happy-clappy people.
White, black, yellow, green, LGBT, GLBT,
G&T, fucking C&A... I don't give a fuck, as long as the ratio is right.
OK, I gotta go, hands to hold.
Oh, Toby! What is this? What is this I feel?
I do not know, Rupert. What is this, your 15%?
Little hard grain needing to be worn down.
turned to dust and thrown away in the wind.
- We should move along. - Good idea.
Toby, I'm so sorry.
These bloody Spanish a thing too complicated.
Could you get me down, pretty?
It's a reset, everybody back to work.
The crank, the crank is broke.
- We're not gonna make it. - No, I wanna drop some of the shots.
Yup!
- Are you sure? Why? - Because it isn't working.
Because my client isn't happy.
Because the whole concept is ridiculous.
Because we become what we hold on to.
True.
It was your concept, your vision, your idea to come to Spain in the first place.
I know, the smell, the sweat,
the real Spain.
- Well then? - No, I was wrong.
- Sarah! How's it going, Sarah? - Melissa.
- How's it going, Melissa? - Toby, I can't.
You can, you must...
you shall...
Wait!
It's just a thought. How about we just CGIed the giant in London?
Great idea!
We have paid for everybody to come out here.
Toby hates CGI, he wants it all hand-crafted.
I'm a little bit worried about the negative connotation,...
It is the world seen by Don Quixote...
- It's a national giant... - Just like in the book...
Hey, you fucking tampered with this, you bastard!
Please get me a fresh one.
If anything happens to me, I'll come back here and I will personally shit down your throat.
Well... Now that our producer here
has bravely thwarted the terrorist threat to our water supply,
I'd like to say Buenas noches!
We need you, Toby, don't we, everyone?
- Everybody needs you, Toby. - You don't!
You're not going anywhere, you're the epic, fucking genius!
Well, fuck you too.
Noli me tangere!
Genuflect everyone!
He's adorable, so transparent,...
you can read him like a book.
A slightly worn, spine rubbed, a little faded...
Hombre!
- That's what they say over here, isn't it? - I do not know? I don't talk to them.
Jacqui...
I hope you're not giving our man of la Mancha too much of a hard time?
Not a soul!
We can trust our Toby. Just as our side.
My family!
To the great campaign, to the Power Grid, and here's to us, and bugger the rest.
- Bugger the rest. - Bugger them all with impunity!
I gotta go. I got a meeting in Nice, potential client, Russian vodka.
They got me on their private jet.
Good to know people are still showing off the size of their dick.
I want you to keep an eye on her while I'm gone.
- You will do that for me? - Of course he will.
Yeah. Sure I will.
What's the problem?
We got it wrong, we should just scrap the whole campaign.
Ah, forget her. You're a great talent.
- He's a genius! He's a visionary! - It really doesn't help.
Maybe you need some inspiration. Hey you, come here!
Yeah.
- Maybe there's some ideas in here that you might... - What?... Steal?
No. Use.
Señor? Maybe this one?
Wow. That's strange!
Look! It's perfect.
Isn't that our man from La Mancha for real?
That's the way!
My family...
It gotta be great.
My money?
- Stay! - I don't like to leave you, you're in a strange mood.
Sit!
Where did you get this?
That's a good question.
Where are you going?
Aren't you supposed to be looking after me tonight?
You don't know how much I need it.
Do you have a DVD player?
You are a bad, bad boy...
Bad and wicked...
Will you hold that pose?
I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.
I was born by the special will of Heaven
to restore the lost age of chivalry.
For the protection of the weak
and for grand adventures.
- What is it? - " The man who killed Don Quixote ".
I made it,
a long time ago,
my graduation stuff.
It won me awards.
The old man is wonderful.
I break the clich�, you know, not using actors, but real people, villagers,
He was a shoemaker, I think.
Now I can see why they grab you for commercials.
It must have been my passport to Hollywood!
Toby, I'm the boss's wife.
You are the boss's wife?
Yes, I'm the boss's wife.
The boss's wife...
You're the boss's wife.
The boss's wife.
Do not look, Sancho, he's crazy.
Crazy with love.
- I'm the boss's wife. - The boss's wife.
- The boss's wife!
Yeah, baby!
But he's in Nice!
- He'll kill me. - What about me?
Shit!
- Shit! - I'm back.
- Every man for himself. - What?
Come on!
Hurry up!
Toby! Your beads!
Shit! Fuck!
I'm gonna kill you, you crazy gippo!
Hi, baby!
Angelica!
Toby, come here a second.
O shit!
He's perfect.
We are Americans, I am American.
This is Jimmy and Joe.
We are making uh...
What are you doing for the next two months?
Javier, you're not making shoes.
My shoes!
No, no, no, forget the shoes, man! These are bandidos!
You're angry.
The girl is in danger.
No, fucked up...
I'm Don Quixote de la Mancha!
And he goes down. Then you hit this one and that goes down...
See? Javier? See?
And gone. See?
Forget your shoes, you are Don Quixote.
No... Javier?
You are Don Quixote.
And... action.
If something doesn't translate to the?, then it's not going to translate to the camera
- How about this one? - No. Definitely not.
- What about this one? That's my favourite. - No nobody.
She's his Dulcinea, his ideal.
She has to be beautiful and pure.
Just like in the book: the lady Dulcinea looked up, but once
and their eyes met and from that brief moment on...
Don Quixote de La Mancha became free from all fear ".
Careful, Toby, she is Raul's little girl.
You could do though, you could be in movies, I'm serious.
- Really? - Yes, sure, why not? I'm serious.
A country girl like me?
Yeah. Don't break it. Oh, please god!
And what do I... if I break it? - No!
Oh! Please! Why?
I'm serious, you could be someone.
Either you are... very naive
or you're very crazy.
An artist has to be.
Now you're an artist?
Yeah.
An artist must be cruel.
- Are you cruel? - Wait,wait, wait there...
What do you see?
A star.
Angelica, where are you?
It's late!
I'm hungry!
I love you.
It was like I was really back there again, I could smell it.
And then I wake up.
- A beautiful dream! - But I don't dream.
Of course not, you don't have to, you have everything.
I had no idea that we were this close, Los Sueños is just over the hill...
...there.
That fucking motor still isn't working, we gotta shoot something.
We cannot just sit here.
Set up a crane shot of the wind turbines, put it on a long track.
- The crane is on the other set. - Yup.
- Gonna take hours. - Perfect.
You're back!
Surprise!
Didn't need to go after all besides, they have a castle out here.
The Ruskies are buying up everything, aren't they?
But it's looking good for our vodka gig
We'll know in a couple of days.
I asked you to look after my wife, Toby.
- I did. - No, not very well.
There was a thief in our fucking hotel suite.
What? A thief? Are you sure?
This is what she says.
Ya know what I think? I think it was that greasy gypsy from last night.
- I found his hat. - Right! Yeah!
He seemed dodgy.
Yeah!
Ah, aren't they all like that...?
- You look tired. - Oh, you know, it's just...
- ... watching that old DVD. - Yeah, Jacqui told me.
- She told you? - Yup.
Old work of yours, she said. That's a coincidence!
Yeah, it's such a long time ago, it looks like it was made by somebody else.
Why don't you polish up some of those old ideas?
Make them nice and shiny for us?
Yeah,... I could. I don't know...
You know what?
Walter is setting up, I think I'm gonna go for a spin.
- Clear your head. - Right!
- I'll drive you. - Ah, that's OK.
Dan-the-Man, lend me your bike.
Are you coming, my love?
No.
I don't have a helmet.
- You don't need one. - Take care.
All right, great, great! Thank you! Cut! Cut!
Thank you, cut!
Thank you very much!
Say, you want something... more?
I do, yeah!
So many things, a better writing ability, mostly
Jesus!
Sancho!
Run, you will be safe with my squi...
...squire!
We're just acting, Javier!
Javier, this is great.
This time, take two? Everything in English, please?
Action?
Let her,
Lurid bandit!
Fight, deal with justice!
Stop!
Quixote lives!
I'm Don Quixote.
You are Don Quixote!
I am...
Don Quixote.
RaùI?
How's it going? Long time, no see!
We do not need these!
We understand one another perfectly.
Hey! Shiny boy!
Little Pedro was in this film of yours, yeah?
Yeah, he was, Little Pedro, right!
Sancho Panza, all two hundred and fifty pounds of him!
How is he?
Little Pedro? He's dead.
- Shoot! - He liked to drink.
The drink didn't like him.
OK. I'm sorry.
To Little Pedro.
Many things have changed since your film, Toby.
How about Javier?
The old man who played Quixote, is he...?
Is he still alive?
Alive? Oh yeah!
Don Quixote lives, if that's what you like to call it.
Oh good!
How about Angelica?
Angelica, your daughter.
Come.
I will take you, I'll show you.
- Oh, she's here? - Yeah.
Fantastic! She was so great in the movie.
She was a flower.
God, they grow up, RaùI, for Christ's sake.
that's what they are meant to do.
My daughter?
The whore?
No!
What are you talking about? She was such a sweet girl.
Not anymore.
She craved your dream, Toby. To Madrid.
She break...
What the fuck!?
Give me that.
Fuck!
You little fucking prick!
What the hell did you call my boy?
Jesus!
Come back here, you freak!
Quixote lives.
Hello?
There is a sign, " Quixote lives ".
Do you want to see him?
Do you like to see Don Quixote de la Mancha?
- The real Don Quixote? - I do.
Come.
OK.
I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.
I was born in the year of our Savior 1605,
by special will of Heaven,
to restore the lost age of chivalry.
I am the man for whom the dangers are expressly reserved,
grand adventures and brave feats.
I am four hundred years old.
It is not easy to live so long,
but I cannot die.
And then, perhaps...
I could rid myself of my dreams.
Holy shit! Javier?
Sancho?
Is that you?
- Sancho! - No...
You've come back!
You came back to save me!
You tricky peasant!
I'm not Sancho and you're not Don Quixote.
No, no, no, you Sancho.
Sancho, listen,
you must rescue me from these enchanters.
Please, Sancho, save me, take me away.
OK, yeah, I'm a little late for something now, but maybe later...
- No, Sancho,... please! - Quiet, Javier, let's go.
Let me out! Let me out, please! I have to go.
What are you doing? Get off me!
Get off me! Get off me!
Sancho!
Just look at the fucking facts, Rupert,
we bring a whole crew over to Spain and he vanishes into thin air on a fucking motorbike.
- There's only one genius on this earth and it's certainly not you. - He is not a genius, he is a fucking child.
Where the hell have you been?
We've been stalling here, we've been dicking around here for hours!
Oh oh, calm, dear!
Look like Toby needs a moment.
The agency is begging for blood.
Bill needs a shot list
I need, thanks to you, I need a doctor.
I literally do.
Toby, what happened to you? I mean, look at the state of you.
Oh, and the police are here. Do you know what,Bill?
It's all yours, the whole fucking nightmare.
You're promoted, I quit.
Toby, they found the thief.
It was that fucking gypsy, of course.
Do me a favor and come and identify him for me.
Yeah.
Looking great!
Here.
He was the creep bothering my wife in the restaurant the other night, wasn't he?
Yeah, that's him.
Typical!
Is this your motorcycle, señor?
Mine? How?
There has been a... fire in the local village.
The plate... matches.
I'm sorry, that's not mine.
I... It's a...
Who is that... That guy!
Toby, don't you remember? You borrowed it.
He borrowed it for inspiration.
Perhaps you will come, to assist us.
But I don't know anything about any fire, I mean, I know what a fire is,
but I do not know what you're talking about.
You'd better go along with them, Toby, we don't want to agonize the locals.
Do not worry about the delay here,
put it down to an act of God.
No, wait.
I found these outside my hotel suite.
Yours, aren't they?
No fuck, thanks!
Any problems, text me.
I think you got me into a big trouble, señor Toby.
Maybe you should be a man, maybe you should tell them...
Fuck this!
God! What I wouldn't give to get my hands on these bastards for a few minutes!
They're animals, still living in the fucking Middle Ages.
Shit!
Fuck... the... Holy Week...
Holy Week!
- I know a way around it. - Are you sure?
- Of course... - Move.
We'll be... fine...
on the main road... in a moment.
A moment? How long exactly is a moment in your life?
- I don't know... - Shut the fuck up. What is this?
What the fuck is he doing?
Hey, get out!
The carnival is over, old man.
Why are those men entrapped?
- Sancho! - Shit!
I'm Don Quixote de la Mancha
and I command you to release my squire, Sancho Panza.
Don Quixote?
It looks like one of you is... safe.
This has nothing to do with me.
I am dedicated to chivalry and protection of the weak.
Your hellish siren does not scare me.
Release those innocent men!
Hey, carnival is over...
What the fuck! Get off your horse.
Get away from Rocinante!
Help!
No, no... help!
What the fuck are you doing, man?
You almost killed him.
- Please! - Freeze!
Oh my God, no!
Sancho, the forces of darkness are defeated!
It wasn't me, I didn't do it.
Fuck! Shit!
I'm bleeding!
Thank God it's not mine!
No, no, no!
Fuck!
Please, do not let it be true!
Fuck!
Oh shit!
Shit, shit...
Fucking battery!
I'm a dead man!
OK, take control, take control,Toby.
Take control and the world will follow.
Sancho!
There you are!
You crazy peasant, always playing games.
You think you can hide from me?
No, no, stay away from me.
- Sancho, you are free. - Those cops are dead, aren't they?
No, no, no...
The forces of darkness can never die.
- You killed them, didn't you? - You were so brave.
The way you attacked that coachman
and frightened away his wailing beast...
- I didn't do anything. - Humility is a blessing.
Tonight we will sing songs to your bravery.
I brought you your clothes, Sancho.
You can get out of that disguise.
You are free!
Sancho, we shall have such great adventures together!
A knight errant and his loyal squire.
This will be a marvelous day for adventures, Sancho, I feel it in my bones.
I need to call the office.
- Where we going? - Who knows!
Destiny guides our fortune, Sancho.
They're eating me alive.
But maybe we should just go back and face the sad reality.
- You can explain everything to the authorities. - Explain?
Do you believe that explaining explains everything?
Well, yes.
You have a simple view of life, Sancho, very touching.
- And you're really Don Quixote. - Do you doubt it?
Look, do you remember years ago, about ten years ago, I was making a film?
You were just an old man I'd found.
I was lost, forgotten.
Yeah, right, but then I found you and I thought:
"This man has an interesting face, the kind of face they use now to sell insurance. "
I owe you a great debt, Sancho, you restored me.
You really don't remember?
Don Quixote de la Mancha,
the knight of the mournful countenance!
Come to restore the lost age of chivalry...
...by the special will of Heaven.
Well, I wrote that.
I adapted it, a screenplay is a very different language to a novel.
Blasphemous!
The hand of our god in heaven wrote me,
not the filthy paw of some dirty...
OK, I apologize, I'm sorry.
You may beg forgiveness at the feet of my lady Dulcinea.
Lady Dulcinea, right, of course.
" Once, as if in a dream,
Don Quixote glimpsed Lady Dulcinea.
She was sitting upon the grass...
Near a stream, before her crystal mansion. "
- I know, of course. - Writing again, Sancho?
No.
No,
because they are the words of the great Arab historian Cide Hamete Ben-Engeli.
Right, right, I'd forgotten.
I have here...
this rare volume of my exploits.
A a tadful florid, perhaps,
but the spirit is true.
Can I read?
A peasant like you should feign interest
in a book he cannot read!
"Can I read?"
But I can read.
It is in English, Sancho.
English!
It's a very difficult language.
A Protestant language.
But come...
Sit with me.
We will read it together.
Now,... I will sound the words
and you can look at the pictures.
Here...
This is me,
on my warhorse, Rocinante.
This is you, Sancho.
And here...
Here...
Here is the beautiful princess,
resplendent on her charger.
A giant!
Which giant?
A giant, with arms of two leagues!
- She is in terrible danger! - It's a windmill.
Rocinante!
I will save you, fair maiden!
Come back here, now, this is a mistake!
Prepare to die, demon!
Do not do it!
Take this!
And... cut right there.
Giant, where are you?
Here you are, demon!
Take that!
Don't get up. Lay still!
You are safe, dear lady.
I'm at your command.
I see the love light in your eyes, it's understandable.
I'm honored,
but, alas, I am betrothed to another.
Does he have the squirrels in the attic?
Squirrels are the least of it.
Do you have a phone I could use?
- My father will help you. - Is he a builder or...
It's all very... uh... rustic.
No, señor, it is oil.
Oil is working just
What?
No rustic. No rustic.
Oh, the bike!
Yeah, I know, it's well oiled, everything is very oily.
- Yes. - Can't have too much oil.
Wait, wait. Do you live here?
- Live? - Yes, this is where you live?
I live here, I die here.
Right. Good. That's good.
I live... I die.
I live, I die.
- I live... - Live and die.
Some of us... Some of us sooner than others.
What do you think you are doing? Get them out of here!
What is this splendid castle
that defies gravity...
Can I use your telephone?
Who is this angelic messenger who welcomes us...
We do not want trouble.
Divine lady, I shall...
forever preserve your kindness in the treasury of my memory.
Get him out of here, come on!
Please, dear, this does not show what good Christians we are
Remember, it's the Holy Week.
This old man might be playing the part of a martyred saint.
Look, the halo!
- So devout... - Is there a telephone?
Elephant? What elephant?
- OK, I'm gonna go!. - No! No, no no no...
No, you must stay, out there it's very dangerous.
Bad men! Here everything is A-okay.
Here we are all good Samaritans.
We will turn the other cheek to heal your brave martyr.
We must tend to these needy pilgrims.
A good host looks after his hostages.
- Is that the right word? - No, it's not the right word.
Rest here, brave holy martyr.
We'll be back soon.
"Shall I be such an unfortunate knight? - What have you got me into?
The villagers just have to look at me once
to be swept away with love.
Poor you!
My magical devotion to my lady Dulcinea always pretends
should she be threatened from being the only woman to relish my perfect fidelity!
I knew it, well, these people aren't Spanish!
We're gonna die!
Queens of the world, what do you want from her?
Why do you harass her? Leave her alone!
You shut the fuck up!
You know what terrorists are, don't you?
They'll probably send bits of us back to our families!
I have no family, Sancho.
Not without a fight.
Open the gates!
Help!
Open the gates, in the name of the law!
I just cleaned this old rug.
There's another dirty spot, see?
OK. All right. OK. Stop!
Let me go please, we'll pretend none of this has happened.
Listen, I respect all religions, my maternal grandmother was Jewish.
Help, I'm in here!
No! Please, please!
If the Inquisition discovers we are Muslims
we will be whipped or castrated or worse!
No! Please!
What are you talking about? This is the 21st century, you are in the European Union.
Help!
In the name of the Holy Brotherhood.
Open the gates!
Open the gate!
Welcome!
Fuck!
Welcome.
Our honest Christian hospitality
is always at the disposal of the Holy Brotherhood.
One of our patrols was attacked.
Vicious prisoners are on the loose.
- We have a des... - Description!
We'll find all the criminals here, sir,
perhaps we may even find a Jew or two.
Show yourself!
Sancho?
Come out, in the name of the Holy Brotherhood.
If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to f... fear!
Sancho, where are you?
Look, a weapon!
Give up your weapons!
Help me!
Malambruno the enchanter and his evil minions are here.
They have come for me.
Where are you going? We have to talk, my liar friend.
Do not trust anyone, not even yourselves.
Stop!
Blood...
Murder! Bolt the doors!
And do not upset the living anymore, Malambruno!
Take this!
Die, charmer!
My wine!
Stop! Stop, you bastard!
I will kill you.
Almighty God!
It's time to go!
Stop!
And he! - Stop!
Stop the gypsy! - And he!
And he!
Hello.
All right.
You sleep well? Did you sleep well?
Yes!
Come on. Come with me.
While I held the enchanters at bay with my mighty sword,
Sancho, my loyal squire,
boldly attacking the vile forces of darkness,
with only a basket for a helmet.
And so we saved the castle.
I think you were frightened last night by those Moroccans.
They are just poor people, illegal.
Afraid and he lifts their spirits.
- He's a saint. - He's insane!
That story you were telling them,
with the basket on his head and...
and you fighting enchanters,
that was my dream last night.
Why does everything always have to be about you, Sancho?
You are so child-like, don't tell Santa...
Me, me, me, me, me...
Adios, you old fucking fart!
If you ever find your Lady Dulcinea, you can shove her up your ass!
They'll show me to the nearest town, I've got transport.
This will be a marvelous day for adventures, Sancho.
It may happen, that before six days passed together,
I shall conquer several kingdoms
and I shall crown you king of one of them.
King, Sancho!
Astonishing things attend the profession of a knight errant.
Fuck!
Leave it, Sancho, you can eat it later.
Spanish gold.
Spanish gold!
Hey, Don! Take a look at this!
Fuck him! He won't have a clue what this is worth in today's markets.
I'll take them to the police, I'll turn myself in
they'll see I am an honest guy, they'll believe me when I explain what happened.
Yes!
No, I'm gonna need a very good lawyer.
I'll hide them.
Mines!
All mine!
Hello!
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
No, no, no,... Wow, wow, wow,...
I come in peace. I'm not gonna hurt you.
You wouldn't happen to know where the exit is, would you?
- I don't believe it! - What?
- It's you. - It is. Yes. I hope so.
- You don't recognise me? - Sorry, no, I don't. I'd like to.
You've changed, Toby.
Was it a party? Was it some bar?
I would have been too young for some bar.
Holy fucking shit, yes, of course, I know you.
Midnight for you shampoo campaign.
I won the premier award in uh 2009.
Did I get it right, is that you, Sally?
You've got the year right, I was fifteen years old.
- Fifteen? That wasn't me. - You made me a promise.
- I think you got the wrong guy. - I could be someone, you said
- Definitely the wrong man. - I could be a star.
I just needed to be me.
Angelica?
- Are you sure? - Yeah. I know. I'm sure.
Holy shit, I can't believe it's you.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh God!
You stink.
I was just watching the film we made the other day.
I hadn't seen it for a long time, you were so young.
Not that you are old now, you're still very young.
- I heard you went to Madrid. - Yeah.
Madrid, and Barcelona,
and Marseille, a lot of places.
A village girl can't go back
to a little bar after starring in a movie.
It didn't work out?
Modeling, mostly escort work...
Isn't it beautiful here?
My favourite place on Earth.
My father would bring me here for my birthday.
He said the cave was the secret entrance to heaven
for all the poor people, and in the waterfall was an angel...
I fucked things up for you, didn't I?
Don't flatter yourself.
Do you think I wanted to do laundry all my life?
I'm doing OK now, life's good,
but someone special in my life.
Someone who does this?
Comes with the territory.
- I'm sorry. - Why?
It's a living, same as you.
I don't get beaten up...
Forgive him, gracious madam!
He is an ignorant peasant, who knows no better.
I am Don Quixote de la Mancha, at your service.
Of course you are!
Please, rise, you knight.
I know of your famous exploits.
And I know of your quest for your lady Dulcinea.
Why are you talking like this?
I know that this gentleman has the courteousness of a true knight.
Rustic, eh? How's that?
What ears! Perhaps he caught something from his donkey.
- Yes, Sancho was always so stubborn. - So greedy.
So mesmerizing, a real enchanter.
Oh, no, no, no, don't say that.
- Enchanter? - Yes!
- Sancho? - No, not enchanter!
Sancho, is it you? Speak!
Of course it's me!
- I mean, I'm not Sancho, I'm... - Malambruno, the enchanter?
The fiend in disguise.
Wait, wait, wait, you know what?
I'm Sancho! Do not you recognise my face?
I'm Sancho!
And she did not say "enchanter", she said, she said... "cantor".
- I said "chanter". - I'm a chanter
Cantor, Eddie Cantor only not totally Jewish looking!
Fuck it!
If you knew Susie, like I know Susie
Oh, oh, oh what a girl!
There's none so classy as this fair lassie
Oh my goodness, what a chassis
We went riding, she didn't balk
From the country, I'm the one that had to walk!
If you knew Susie like I know Susie
Oh, oh what a girl
You made me worry for a moment there, Sancho.
I have to go, goodbye, Toby.
- No! Stay, dear lady. - I'll come with you.
No, she needs a true escort,
a knight. Step aside.
Gracious lady, let me help you.
Take your hands off you, Sancho.
You touched her with those filthy peasant hands.
Filthy? You are the dirty old man.
How dare you say that to me? I'll break you for that!
All right, stop! Stop! Stop!
We should follow her, I think she needs our help.
Love is a cruel jailer, Sancho.
- What? - Did you see the look in her eyes?
Let me guess, she fell in love with you.
It's a curse, Sancho.
It's a curse.
Come on! Come on! Can't these things go any faster?
How are we going to follow her like this?
Sancho, a knight errant he wanders,
he roams, he seeks... he never follows.
Angelica's scarf.
Shit!
We will never find her now.
It's a heaven sent blessing, Sancho. We have a quest.
- A what? - A quest. An impossible quest.
How great!
Listen, do you hear that?
The call of the muezzin.
The what?
The Muslim call to prayer.
Listen, Sancho!
Sancho, listen!
We are on hallowed ground, Sancho.
Bow your head, Sancho.
Bow your head.
Sancho, bow your head.
Our quest has brought us to Al-Zahra,
the lost citadel of the Moorish kings.
And there, you see?
There they are,
the wise scholars in their robes of white
their heads bowed in prayer to Allah.
- Those are sheep. - You ignorant peasant!
Why speak badly of them, just because they worship a pagan god!
Sancho,
follow me, with humility.
Al-Zahra, the great Moorish warrior,
once trod these magnificent bogs.
Who knows, perhaps these wise men know of the lady we seek?
Great.
Then can we just get out of the fucking sun?
Sancho! They are welcoming us!
Oh no, gentlemen, there is no need to bow.
I'm just a poor Christian knight,
on a quest.
" In the perfumed court of the Sultan,
the days are passed in sweet music and gentle delight.
with gracious noblemen and courtly ladies ".
- I'm starving! - Then eat, Sancho.
Food makes the peasant's heart glad.
What's this?
A conundrum... is it one of your riddles, Sancho?
I like riddles, what is this? Let's see...
It's a horse and cart, is that it?
- I mean, what's in it? - What's in it?
Let's see.
There is a... a goose!
Or a wild hippogriff!
You're pathetic.
Yes... it would be easy, if I were, Sancho.
It would be easy if I were allowed to be an old man.
But I am bound to honor the code of knights errant.
Well chivalry is dead and gone, I'm very sorry.
It probably never existed anyway.
Never was there a knight
so sad as he
who lost his love...
Shut...
...the fuck... up!!
Sun and cold to...
But foolishly he closed his eyes and crossed his arms...
Oh, most dubious and cruel-hearted maiden!
Might you allow your captive knight to waste and perish
in his endless wandering
Dead and gone, Sancho?
Release me from my enchantment!!
It is not enough that I have forced even the famous Don Quixote of la Mancha
to kneel before your beauty?
Who is there?
A knight errant,
accompanied by his loyal squirrel, Sancho Panza.
Loyal squire!
Accompanied by his loyal squirrel, Sancho Panza.
Sir, I doubt you have vanquished the real Don Quixote.
Somebody impersonating him, perhaps.
For a full day and night, I fought Don Quixote, hand to hand.
Finally, I forced him to submit and bow down to my lady.
Liar!
I, am the real Don Quixote,
in person!
Do you doubt my word, old man? You'd do better to return to your bed.
See, Sancho,
when faced with the purity of a true knight,
the false knight retreats.
He's probably wet himself...
You shut the fuck up, it's time to go.
Yes, let the conquered be at the mercy of the conqueror.
Agreed.
And bound by the laws of chivalry.
Agreed.
This is ridiculous.
Now, my old friend,
do not be afraid.
We have been
through far worse, my friend.
Sancho, come! Here!
Make a stirrup.
My lance, Sancho.
Thank you.
Don't do this, you can get seriously hurt.
Thank you my loyal...
my loyal squire.
I entrust my heart to my lady Dulcinea.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wait! Wait! Wait!
What's the rule about squires and what it says if you get killed?
Advance, you knight!
What about me?
Stop!
You're a coward, you whining,
chicken-livered peasant!
Search attention!
Me, me, I...
Stop, Rocinante! Stop!
Yes!
Let's go now.
No! He is not dead!
Yield, sir knight,
or feel the sword of Don Quixote de la Mancha
slide up to your teeth.
Don! Don! Don!
Do not let him kill him! Stop him!
Yield!
Don!
All right, I yield! I yield!
That's good.
You promise to pay homage to my lady Dulcinea.
I promise.
- You promise to tell her of my courage. - I promise!
- Of my bravery. - I promise!
Of my love.
Yes, I swear.
I swear on my blood. I promise.
RaúI?
RaúI Fernández?
It's me.
My friends!
What are you doing here?
Father! Why aren't you at home? In the village?
What's happening?
Keep away! Keep away!
Enchantments!
Spells! I won't go back!
You can't blind me with your mirrors.
- Come home. - No, keep away!
- Who are you? You made him crazy! - What did I do?
See what a dangerous type you created? He's crazy...
Javier, come back!!
- We must adapt his fantasies... - ... to bring him home.
Before he causes more damages, and now we lost him!
For he is my ride, so what do you think I feel?
You and your film destroyed good people.
You destroyed my beautiful daughter.
Sancho, what's happening?
They're taking you back to the village, you'll be safe there.
No, I will die there!
Help me, Sancho!
I'm sorry I can't.
Stop!
What are you doing, Angelica? Get out of the shot.
OK, fine, put the eye blender on.
Ready?
Good!
Nice!
Very nice! Good attitude... the film ran out.
The film ran out.
Very nice.
Are you going to rescue me, Toby?
Are you going...
...to make everything alright?
Fuck me!
Where is everybody?
Did the old man come back?
Who the fuck wrote this ending?
Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve this?
At least I will die rich.
I shall cut myself with teeth of wild boars.
I shall crush mountains!
I shall throw myself naked from the highest cliff.
I shall gnaw on trees with my bare teeth!
I shall crush mountains with my fists!
- What the hell are you doing? - My penance.
I have not done enough
to show how immeasurable my love for Dulcinea can be.
I shall go crazy for love.
Stop! Don't be ridiculous.
Not so tight, please
You don't understand, Sancho, do you?
If she can see how crazy I can be without a cause,
think how crazy she will imagine that I can be
with one.
Run it past me again..
- Oh Sancho, you must go to her! - No, no, no, no,... stop! Stop!
- This is insane! - Insane? Are you sure?
Yes!
You're not just trying to please me?
No!
So, you're not trying to worm your way back into my service?
What?
Jesus fucking Christ!
You are fucking god, you're a deranged one,
fucked up and fucking crackers
Oh, Sancho!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
What if your friends were who they said they were?
The enchanters have got their talents
Never doubt, Sancho.
That's what they want you to do.
We must always...
believe in ourselves...
whatever the cost.
It is our story, Sancho,
not some pretended...
Sancho, my son,
great fortune smiles on us.
Behold, I am rewarded for my penance.
My fair lady has forgiven me.
Go to her, Sancho
tell her that Don Quixote de la Mancha,
the Knight from the Mournful Countenance
humbly awaits her commands.
- Hey, how am I supposed to say that? - Have you learned nothing at my side?
Hello there!
Your Highness, fair, fair...
fair huntress...
Lofty Majesty,
My master...
My master begs me... Lady Dulcinea!
My master begs me... - Toby?
- What? - It is you!
Jacqui?
That's OK. It's alright. he works for us.
It's OK. Where have you been?
We've been very worried about you.
You look terrible.
- I'm in trouble. - Yeah, we heard.
But don't worry about the police,
- Alexei has the law by the balls around here. - Alexei?
Alexei Mishkin, the vodka count.
We're all the same winners.
Tonight's the Holy Week festival and he's throwing a big costume party.
Lots of games.
You'll love it. Come on, let's get you cleaned up.
Oh, uh, I'm not alone.
You found your star!
Yeah I know... uh...
the trouble is now he actually believes he is Don Quixote.
Perfect!
It's just what we need tonight, something truly authentic.
- How sweet! - No, it's actually really sad, he really needs help.
Oh, oh, no, please don't go sentimental on us now, Toby.
This is going to be fun.
I'm still very angry with you, you know?
You'd better be nice to me.
Hidiho!
You do know that's not Lady Dulcinea, right?
What made you think she was?
I begin to worry about you, Sancho.
You'd better behave.
Do not be nervous, Sancho.
This is the reward for all the pain we have endured.
Did I not say I would make you king?
Welcome to you, Don Quixote,
the flower and cream of knight errantry.
Please be so kind as to accept our hospitality
and grace our palace
with your famed presence.
Sancho, heel!
What's the matter with you?
Sancho, get me down! Heel!
Remember your place!
Where the fuck have you been, golden boy?
You, get out of here, get out!
I'm trying to close this fucking deal, the agency is on my back.
I'm playing games with this Disney nightmare,
it's all fucking drag, eating and drinking like I'm Elvis
humouring that Russian prick, Alexei.
Yeah, you're gonna meet him, try to keep up with the plot.
- With the plot? - He needs constant entertainment.
Think puerile, think toddler on a sugar rush, think fucking Trump.
My prodigal director has returned.
Señor Tobias Grummett.
I have heard many things about you, Toby.
You are, how do you say?
The creative stock bollocks.
He, he certainly is!
He would sell your vodka to the Muslims.
And your team mate?
He's a...
he's a face that...
I just thought that would make a good Quixote.
I see he is fond of you.
Yes, he's an old man with nothing better to do.
And you look after him.
No!
Toby, I see everything.
Everything!
I envy you.
You met Angelica when she was so young.
- Oh,no. It wasn't like that. - Did I ask you anything, my sweet?
We were both very young.
It was a student's film...
If you could call it that. I mean you can call it...
very much a student film...
It was a passion project. A passion project.
And what part did Angelica play in this passion project of yours?
She was...
She was a girl. - A girl?
- Just a girl? - Yes, that's it, we never...
We never gave her a name.
You know, she has to be a movie star.
Sure.
I can't believe what I'm seeing it: this is not what it looks like.
This,... I understand out of context,
it looks, uh, it looks, uh, bad, but this is not...
I mean, she was wearing a bra, yeah, but what is in the picture
is not what is actually happening... I mean it is happening but it's not...
Stop talking.
Clean it up.
Hey, come here, I'll do it.
Do it now.
Here... in case you spill anything else.
Why are you doing here? Go away.
What do you want?
Rescue me?
Oh yeah.
- From what? - From that Russian pig.
From this, from this...
all this.
Yes, I see, I see what you mean.
It's a little extravagant,
far too beautiful.
But I'm getting used to it.
Toby, I am happy here.
I have everything you promised me I would.
So you just gonna le him treat you like that?
He was reminding me who I belong to,
that's all.
Do you have...
the cojones to steal Alexei's property?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Fuck you!
Only Alexei does that.
OK then, how much? Huh, what's your going rate?
Is that enough?
What the fuck!
You naughty boy!
- They aren't real. - Nothing's real, Toby.
Let me tell you, pull yourself together, you make me nervous.
Something has to be.
The boss has put me in charge of tonight's entertainment.
I just reached this idea, is the one that you will like.
- Rupert! - What is it? I'm listening.
Would you mind just rubbing my back?
Please? You know like you used to?
a little hard drain kneading, kneaded to be worn down...
I think you'll feel a lot better once we get you dressed.
Come on, who's in your little play?
Nasdrovia!
Thank you!
I hope you like my humble home.
It's wonderful!
I bought it two weeks ago.
I'm joking!
I was thinking of painting it all in purple.
We Russians love purple.
Now, I really like your big adventures, Don Quixote.
You read my exploits?
Of course, the whole castle is reading them!
Book!
Take a seat.
I hope this little show of yours pleases me.
Hi, Toby, we need to talk.
Not now, Sarah.
Stay.
Melissa.
Make some room for Sancho, my dear.
Alexei seems to be enjoying your fight
Well, good.
Is it the gypsy?
All of it was a misunderstanding.
All ladies here,
in the hope of finding the brave and noble Don Quixote.
I am Mrs. Dolorida, princess of Candaia.
I cast myself down before a knight who's invincible.
Please! Please!
It is I who should be kneeling before you.
Please, dear sad lady, tell me your story.
Mine is an ancient Muslim family,
who when the Catholic monarchs expelled the Moors from Spain,
fled to Morocco.
We were poor, but over as years passed we grew rich
and I, I was raised in splendour.
I was exceedingly beautiful, I was desired by all men.
Then, one day, a filthy beggar came to my palace
demanding my hand in marriage
commanding me to convert to Christianity.
- And you? - Can you imagine?
My ladies and I burst out laughing.
Enraged, the pathetic creature's eyes burned fire
and cursing us, he spat out his... his name...
Malambruno!
The enchanter, my sworn enemy!
My skin was suddenly pricked by a thousand needles,
and as I raised my hands to my face
and I found it... I found it... like this!
Oh my god! A suicide bomber!
Everything is under control, calm down.
I'm sure Don can deal with it. Hmm?
My dear, dear lady,
What must I do to release you from this abominable curse?
Thank you! Oh!
I knew you would not fail us.
I don't, I don't like this.
This must feel like heaven to a peasant such as yourself.
Trust me, I know these people.
How dare you suggest such a thing? You will remain silent!
You do nothing without permission.
Let anyone who is brave enough
mount this machine!
Don't do it.
Sancho, sit down!
With a true knight on his back,
Clavilegno flies though the air
so easy it is, as if the devil himself is guiding him.
Dear lady, I'm ready.
Where must I travel to release you from this evil curse?
To the moon and back.
Because of the extreme altitude,
the rider must take care to cover his eyes.
Then...
I shall blind myself securely...
May God guide you, brave knight!
- I can't see him anymore! - It's so high! Yeah, he's gone!
We must have reached the second layer of air,
where hail and snow are born.
No, thunder and lightning!
We have surely reached it to the third layer.
In a moment, we shall reach the moon.
I can feel its cool aura.
Don Quixote de la Mancha, the moon welcomes you.
I recognize that voice!
Malambruno!
Ah, yes... Malambruno!
What a surprise.
It seemed you have succeeded, and so I must lift my curse.
You win this time, sad little man.
How dare you?
Surely I am the first to have made this stupendous journey.
Yes, the first... after me.
Then prepare to be eclipsed
and watch how high I can fly.
Higher than you could ever dream of.
To the sun!
Clavilegno, slow down! Clavilegno, slow down!
Humour him, I need to clench this account.
Tremendous!
It's too hot!
My dear ladies, I'm back.
You are free.
There is no need to thank me.
Congratulations, I think we can make this account.
You old fool!
What must they have thought of you?
I can only find some black thread.
Do you think they'll notice?
Yeah, that'll be fine.
Next time, Sancho
make sure I listen to you.
I'll try.
Goodnight, Sire.
You humiliated him.
You could have stopped it.
You didn't.
Isn't it wonderful? So dramatic, so Spanish.
I promised her a big part in the vodka campaign, if we got it.
And we did, what a team!
Come on partner, give us a hug!
You see what they're doing here?
Gathering up old things, broken things, bad things.
Tonight we sacrifice the past year.
Everything will be destroyed in the flames, made clean again.
- Shit! - What the fuck are you doing?
It's not my fault, the valves are corroded.
Angelica, would you talk to me?
Do you like being kept like an animal?
Paid for?
Alexei's whore?
Go ahead, I probably deserve it.
- He's going to kill us both. - We'll be gone, before he knows.
Which one?
The one before the white horse.
Shit!
Toby, come on, let's go!
I can't.
Come on, Don, we're getting out of here.
A proper guest must willing to repay his host.
No, no, no! You are a knight errant!
You rescues damsels, right, swell, we have to. Now!
No, leave me alone!
You told me to make you listen to me, right? Well, we gotta go!
Now. Come on, man, the enchanters are upon us.
- I like it here. - No, you don't
- Everyone's happy here. - We have to go.
- No, they're not. - But I dreamed about it.
You're pathetic.
Help! Toby!
What did you think you were doing?
You fucking prick!
These sticky fingers!
It's time someone to took that girl in hand, huh?
I cannot help, Tobe, Better companies around,
lots of people depend on me.
You showed such spirits.
Crazed and in love.
I was proud of you.
But it's over.
- It's time to go home. - What are you saying?
Sancho, look into my eyes.
There are no birds in last autumn's nests.
No!
Stay away from me.
Stay away from me!
But...
Alexei! Where are you, you son of a bitch.
You piece of shit!
I can take you to her.
Trust me.
You alright?
Gotta make up for lost time.
I'll make you forget that little bitch.
Come, my love.
My God!
I'm the boss's wife.
Kiss me.
We'll send that little bitch straight to hell.
She's burning!
Shit! He is killing her.
Shit! And he!
Every man for himself.
Don! Don!
I'm here.
My name...
My name is Javier...
Javier Sanchez.
A shoemaker.
A forgotten old man.
No, don't say that!
An interesting face,
the kind they use to sell insurance.
Please!
Here.
You...
I always knew you...
you were more than only Sancho.
An accident.
Old men can trip so easily.
This is no more fun.
You...
go away, get away from my house.
Melissa!
- Sarah. - Whatever...
This is the one month they said it'd never rain.
it buggers up the rest of the shoot though...
You really do play too rough, my dear.
Trust me, let's go out together.
Don?
He said he couldn't die.
The village is not far now we're almost there.
We'll make sure they bury him in all his glory.
You can trust me, everything is going to be alright.
Everything's fine..
This is a marvelous day for adventure.
Toby?
I feel it in my bones.
What's that?
Just thunder.
Something's coming.
Run! Get out of here!
Flee this place!
Stay back, you're in grave danger!
Toby, come back!
Prepare to be shot through!
I entrust my heart and soul to you, my Dulcinea!
Die foul beast!
There you are...
my loyal squire.
It's me, Angelica.
Sancho?
Toby? Toby, I'm not Sancho Panza.
You and your roughshod pranks!
Some say I'm mad,
that I only inhabit my dreams.
But then how is it that I see you, Sancho?
Angelica!
Always doubting me.
Alexei's whore, remember?
I forgive you, Sancho.
Toby! Please! Please!
It's me... Please!
Toby! I'm here, it's me!
I'm Sancho, Sancho Panza, your loyal squire!
This is the beginning of a very
interesting and new friendship.
I was born by the special will of Heaven,
in this age of iron
to restore the lost age of chivalry.
I am the man for whom all dangers are expressly reserved...
grand adventures and brave feats.
I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.
And I will live forever.