The Lombardo deposition's been moved to Thursday.
Bankstead needs you to file the briefs on Himmelstein.
Your fiancee wants to sign off on the new draft of the vows.
Yes... No... Well, whatever she wants.
OK. You got the continuance on Petramco Oil.
Mark says we'll have to redraft the Olsen petition...
and the caterers suggest adding seafood to the buffet.
What kind of seafood?
Shellfish, I believe.
They could circulate more canapes.
No. It's fine.
Tell David it's only a reply brief.
Have Pickering handle the Petramco deposition...
and find that Oklahoma precedent in Himmelstein.
And tell that furniture guy my desktop should be burl...
Antique burl with a satin finish.
Got it.
Charlie, this is unbelievable.
Wow. This place is big enough to drive a car around in, huh?
Boy, look at this view.
- Yeah, I know. - Wow.
Look at this. What have you got here?
- That's not mine. - Oh, I see.
- Hey, how you doing? - Yeah, there they go.
- Man, when did you get in here? - Couple days ago.
Wow. What was it, a wedding present?
No. They made me partner.
That's great. That's even better, huh?
- Thank you very much. - You got the big desk.
Why don't you...
Oh, well, yes, of course.
And another thing, Higgins! You're fired!
I had a pretty good audition, too.
Some big agents. They really like me, Charlie.
You didn't do your Mafia thing?
This is one of my favorite scenes...
from "Blood in the Family."
Hello, Tony.
Well, I came by because I needed to talk to you...
because I love her.
I'm not so sure that you can understand that.
So that's the way it's gonna be, huh?
You're gonna put Moe on me and Sal on me?
Yeah, well, come on. Give it to me, Moe, Sal.
Come on, you guys are good at that, huh?
Come on!
Why shouldn't I do the Mafia thing?
- You shouldn't, Charlie. - It's good.
I loved her, Tony.
It was good.
Tiffany's gonna be here any second for lunch.
I want to go over the bachelor party.
- What? - The bachelor party.
"Official Duties of the Best Man."
This thing is hilarious.
I have to provide you with shelter...
and I have to meet your emotional needs...
leading up to the nuptials.
Hello, Ricky.
Oh, hello, Tiffany.
I gotta say you are already looking...
And with so few days to go...
I think you're peaking at just the right moment.
- Thank you. - Too soon to kiss the bride?
Yeah, I think we should wait.
- Charles. - Yeah.
If you don't decide on a boutonniere...
they won't be able to make them in time.
That means there aren't going to be any boutonnieres.
That means I'm going to relate to you...
in a way that Dr. Pearlstein told us to avoid.
- Right, right. - Don't want that.
- Could we... - Sorry. Want some privacy?
Go ahead.
I'm really very worried about this, Charles.
Darling, I have known Richard since I was nine years old.
He's not the most tactful guy in the world...
but he's decent and reliable...
and he won't ruin the most important day of our lives.
OK, OK, he may not be totally reliable...
but he is thoughtful.
Well, he can be thoughtful.
Look, he's my oldest friend in the world...
and I really want him to be my best man.
- My father hates him. - I'll deal with your father.
- Yes, sir. - Hi, Daddy.
- Follow me! - Yes, sir. Right away.
Go get 'em.
Paradise Bluff? Excuse me, sir.
I need you there by eight o'clock tomorrow morning.
And where is that, exactly?
Nevada. Some pathetic little cow town.
My wife's cousin got indicted for fraud.
The guy's a creep, but Edna's got this family thing.
So, what, you want me to defend him, sir?
No, Tuttle, a continuance.
You'll be in and out in five minutes.
With the wedding and all, sir...
there's the caterer, the band, the boutonnieres...
Screw the boutonnieres. I need this to go away.
It's a family matter, and you're family now.
Listen, Ricky, I hate to tell you this...
but something's come up.
I really can't do that bachelor party now.
- What? - I got to go out of town.
- Where? - Paradise Bluff, Nevada.
But the bachelor party is tonight.
That's what I'm saying. We can't do the bachelor party.
- Oh, Charlie, come on. - I know.
I planned a whole...
a whole bachelor party.
We'll do something after the honeymoon.
That's not the same.
Look, do you want me to throw you a party?
- Sure, I do. - Really?
'Cause I need to know that.
Yes, please, throw me a party.
I gotta go.
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
What's going on?
It's your bachelor party!
Who are these guys?
They're from my acting class.
Please, I can't...
Come on. We drove halfway across the desert.
We drove like hell to beat you here.
Come on, Charlie. If it weren't for me...
all you'd ever do is work. One drink.
Hi, boys.
We'll have a pitcher of beer and B-52's all around.
I'll have a Chivas, please.
He'll have a Chivas.
What the heck? I'm having one, too.
Everybody have one, huh?
- We're out of Chivas. - What?
You're out? You're a bar.
How about a Manhattan?
Yeah, sure.
Do you want a Manhattan or a Paradise Manhattan?
I like the sound of that.
Give my friend a Paradise Manhattan!
OK, OK, OK!
Shots and suds for the rest?
Yes, please. Thank you very much.
Hey, Jim, you know how to make a Manhattan?
That's just great.
You know what? This might be the best Manhattan I've ever...
You know what it is?
No, I'll tell you. It's unusual.
That's what... We should get some more of these.
You want another one?
I think we could handle, you know, another one...
real soon.
Yeah. Whoo! Party's on, huh?
I said, "Bullshit.
"You either testify...
"or I'm gonna drag your ass into court with a subpoena."
I'll take care of this.
God, I really hate this, don't you?
This whole ritual.
What do I say that doesn't make me some jerk...
just trying to pick up on you?
You know what I miss?
TV.
Just lying on a sofa with someone, watching TV.
Popcorn, blanket...
Sometimes I think that intercourse is overrated.
You know?
'Cause I'm a hugger.
I can hug, I can kiss all day long.
This isn't quite it.
It's good, though.
I don't know. Maybe a little sweeter.
Jackpot!
That's my slot machine.
Hey, no one was playing it. Back off.
I just quit to take a piss.
Hey, easy. Maybe I can be of some help here.
I hate being the one to tell you...
but the law is on his side.
Prior use of the machine...
is not determinative of possessory interest.
Are you a lawyer?
Did you see that?
Aggravated assault!
That's four years in the state pen!
Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry, man.
Yeah, don't forget.
Give him one of these every three hours.
Yeah, OK. I'm not gonna forget.
Hey, we gotta go.
Yeah, OK, all right. You guys take it easy.
- Drink a lot of coffee. - Later, man.
Court tomorrow.
Just a continuance.
I know it's just a continuance, but the doctor said...
Come on, Charlie, will you lay back?
Look, we'll see how you're feeling tomorrow morning.
Remember, you gotta take three of these every three hours.
All right?
I'm leaving them there.
I set the alarm for you.
Charlie, how you feeling, man? It's almost nine.
Don Fernando has many cattle.
What?
Are these all the women of your tribe?
Buddy?
OK, Charlie, we're here.
You can't work today.
No, I can, I can.
You should do it for me.
Why don't I just go and explain?
Whitfield will know.
What?
I can't tell Whitfield about the bar fight.
- I know, I know. - This is my whole life!
My career!
Move!
OK, come on, we'll rehearse it again, huh?
All right, say it with me.
- Your Honor. - My honor.
- My client. - Your client.
- My client! - My client.
Your Honor, my client requests...
Client, my honor requests.
Your Honor, my client requests a continuance.
Tuttle?
- I'm Benny Gibbs. - How you doin'?
Appreciate you taking my case.
Why don't we sit down?
Kit-Kat?
No, thank you.
It's chocolate. I'm a little nervous.
What are my chances?
Well, I...
They're good. Excellent.
You done many of these?
Well, I'm just filling in for today.
Yeah, we're gonna get you an expert...
in your particular area of crime...
for the actual trial.
Mr. Tuttle.
Are you ready to proceed?
Yes, sir, I'm ready to proceed.
So proceed, proceed.
Right, of course.
Your Honor, my client requests a continuance.
OK with me. OK with you, counselor?
No, Your Honor.
No more delays, please.
Eight counts of fraud in the last ten years.
Mr. Gibbs has yet to spend one night in jail.
He hires these big-city lawyers...
who think they can waltz in here and play games.
The people come here prepared for trial.
All right, then.
Request is denied.
We'll go ahead as planned.
Jury selection begins at two o'clock.
Well, if it isn't the hugger.
You what?
How could you do that?
Well, what was I supposed to do?
You were passed out on the floor.
You said you were me?
It was just one line.
It was a walk-on, Charlie.
Do you know what this means? Do you know what you've done?
You were lying there, man.
I was trying to cover your ass.
Why don't you just go and explain?
Explain what? That I was in a bar fight...
and that you represented a client of the firm's...
in a court of law...
in front of a judge?
You... That's a felony, Richard.
No, that's one, two, three... That's four.
That's four felonies. That's fraud...
that's conspiracy to commit fraud...
that's obstruction of justice.
Hey, can we get some water here?
Hey, you OK?
He needs some water.
No, he needs a paper bag. Lloyd, give me a bag.
Come on, Charlie, relax.
Calm down, sweetie.
Breathe, breathe. OK. Just calm down.
Everything's OK. Here you go.
OK, OK, OK, just breathe.
Calm down.
In and out.
In and out. Just breathe.
There you go.
That's it, sweetie. Just breathe.
Feel better?
Good.
Oh, thank you.
No problem, but it's decaf from now on, OK?
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Boy, that Manhattan must have really worked.
I'm the hotel waitress.
Remember?
So, what's your name?
Yeah. His name is Richard. It's Richard Rjetti.
Nice name.
I'm Billie.
Billie Tyler.
Feel better, OK?
Yeah, thank you.
You're just lying in general now?
No, no. That's it, Charlie.
If I'm you, you can be me.
You're Richard Rjetti, another lawyer.
Come with me to court. We'll straighten this thing out.
I gotta be you?
It's a special assignment, very hush-hush...
but I'm leaving you in good hands.
My associate here is also an expert in deceit.
- Fraud. - That, too.
Are you ready to proceed with jury selection?
We are.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Sussex, correct?
Mrs. Sussex, have you ever purchased any items by mail?
Mr. Tuttle?
Who's he? I have only you listed on defense.
He's my associate, Your Honor... Richard Rjetti.
I have no pro hoc vice petition for a Richard Rjetti.
Your Honor, may I approach?
Why don't you?
And bring your bar card, Mr. Rjetti.
Now, Mr. Rjetti.
Your Honor, I wasn't aware that an assistant needed a bar card.
Assistant? You said "associate."
- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.
"Associate."
Well, the lady says "associate."
I apologize, Your Honor. I misspoke.
Why is his assistant voir direing the jury?
Sit down, Mr. Rjetti.
Your Honor...
Proceed, Mr. Tuttle.
Uh, Mrs. Sussex, wasn't it?
Yes, OK, Mrs. Sussex.
Uh, state your name, please.
- Virginia Sussex. - A little louder, please.
And remember that you're under oath.
- I am? - Mr. Tuttle.
Well, let's just say that you're in a court of law.
Virginia Sussex!
Good. Good. Very good.
OK, Mrs. Sussex... Virginia.
What qualifications do you feel you have for jury duty?
Ha! Crackerjack!
She thinks she's up against Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee...
you throw them off balance and then... kapow!
So... what's our kapow?
You want to share our kapow with our client?
Everything's under control, Mr. Gibbs.
Why don't you go get a cup of coffee?
See you back here in say half an hour.
OK, excellent!
We're in good shape here.
Just kidding, right?
We're not really in good shape.
'Cause they think that I'm the lawyer now.
So I have to keep being the lawyer?
How the heck am I going to keep being the lawyer?
Mr. Tuttle and his assistant are here to see you.
Um, tell them I...
Send them in.
Thank you.
If you're here for a plea bargain, forget it.
Don't be so hasty, Miss Gardner. Hear us out.
Mr. Tuttle, didn't you have to call your office?
- My office? - Mm-hmm.
Call my... Oh, God, yes!
Oh, no. Miss Gardner, can I use your phone?
Yeah, Irene...
Richard, I have to take this.
You and Miss Gardner can handle the Gibbs matter.
Tell the guy at Ford if I don't have the retainer by Friday...
I'm representing Chrysler, and we'll see them in court!
Miss Gardner, Mr. Tuttle realizes, as I'm sure you do...
that the case could drag on for days, weeks even.
Excuse me, you were the one...
that was practicing law without a license, right?
I'm as familiar with this case as Mr. Tuttle is.
That's true. I'm just filling in for a sick colleague.
Irene, send a muffin basket to Jacoby at Cedars Sinai.
Oh, I don't know... Twelve, thirteen hundred dollars.
I understand.
Yeah, he's Jacoby's assistant. He knows the case.
You two go ahead. Work it out.
What is your offer, Mr. Tuttle? I have a meeting in ten minutes.
Hold my calls, Irene.
Well, we want to be fair...
Fair? And what do you think is fair...
for a man who's been preying on the sick, elderly, and poor?
Well...
Six... years.
The maximum's five.
I know that.
You asked me what I thought would be fair.
If my client were guilty, which he isn't.
But if he was... bottom line...
six... weeks.
Though I'm pretty open at this point.
I really hate this stuff, don't you?
You're on one side, I'm on another.
I mean, can't we get around this law thing?
- You're touching me. - Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
That's what I'm talking about. There's this barrier.
We can't even have human contact.
Can't we work this out like two very mature adults?
You tell me...
what would you like to see happen here?
I would like to see you turn and walk out of my office.
Hundreds upon hundreds of unsuspecting consumers...
paid 17.99 for a copper engraving...
of the great emancipator Abraham Lincoln.
For their $17.99...
plus taxes, plus shipping and handling...
this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they got.
A penny.
Now, common sense...
and the laws of the state of Nevada will tell you...
this is fraud.
And the people will prove that that man...
Benny Gibbs...
is a master at it.
Mr. Whitfield, sir, I'm coming home.
Well, because it's gone straight to trial...
and I'm getting married on Sunday.
Maybe you can get somebody else to...
What, defend him? No, sir, it's not that easy.
He doesn't appear to have the highest level of...
well, uh, innocence.
No, neither do the rest of our clients.
I understand that...
Yes, that is why I went to law school. I...
No, I am not... I am not scared of a chicken-shit little trial.
I'm...
He hung up.
You know, you plan, you work, you build...
and then whammo!
One moment, one tiny moment...
one split second of indiscretion.
- God, this is all my fault. - No shit.
Why is this my fault?
I was trying to help!
Pull over again.
Hey, listen...
how about you just write me some lines?
Tell me what to say, I'll play the shit out of it.
Three years of law school...
two years of clerking for a federal judge.
You think you can fake that?
Yeah. You remember when I did "Inherit the Wind..."
at that church in Cerritos?
"He who inherits the dust shall inherit..."
Oh, man, how's that line go again?
"He who inherits..."
Come on, Charlie. I promise. We'll figure something out.
It's not just something, Ricky. It's a defense.
You think you can figure out a whole defense?
What about mistaken identity?
We find the real defrauder.
He is the real defrauder.
Right.
Damn.
Howdy, ma'am.
OK, how about this?
Immunity.
We structure a deal wherein Gibbs will work with the feds.
They'll use his inside knowledge...
to expose other con men throughout the nation.
"Wherein"?
Did you actually say "wherein"?
Well, what do you think?
I think it is the most staggeringly idiotic idea...
I have ever heard in my whole life.
I can't talk to you anymore.
Charlie... that's it.
- What? - That's our defense.
A Twinkie?
It's right here, Charlie... People vs. White, 1981.
They argued temporary insanity...
because White ate Twinkies the day he killed those guys.
He had a sugar high!
That was different.
Dan White committed a single act of violence...
in a fit of rage.
Our client has been systematically bilking people...
for over forty years.
So?
So it's not the same thing.
No one gets a sugar high and commits mail fraud.
This shit is cumulative. It builds up in your system.
Let's say you eat two of these things a day for forty years.
Where's all that sugar gonna go?
It's stored in your fat cells, man!
It gets released.
Drip, drip, drip, you're like a morphine addict.
All right, just follow me a minute here.
Benjamin Gibbs is a junkie.
He's chemically dependent...
Wait a minute. Benjamin Gibbs is a victim.
Oh, here we go.
No, no, he's a victim. He's held hostage...
by all the junk food corporations of America...
enduring years of torment in snack food hell.
I want to kill myself.
All right. All right. What else have we got?
We lose. So what if we lose?
It doesn't have to work.
It just has to be a defense.
What if we lose?
You want some?
So, all these people are experts?
In varying degrees.
What happens if they don't agree with us?
Trust me, if we pay them, they'll agree with us.
Have you looked at the opening statement yet?
Mm-hmm. It's locked in.
Really?
Your Honor...
ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
Fraud involves deliberate deception...
or trickery.
Now, what does that mean?
Well, simply that the prosecutor must prove...
beyond a reasonable doubt...
that my client Benjamin Gibbs...
intended to commit the crimes of which he's been accused.
But over the next few days...
the defense will prove conclusively...
that Mr. Gibbs never acted with intention...
because of one indisputable fact.
Mr. Gibbs does not have the capacity...
to tell right from wrong...
and through the testimony of a nationally renowned...
psychiatric expert...
we will show that Mr. Gibbs was, in fact...
incapable of normal, rational thought.
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
it's up to you to see that justice is done.
Justice.
You know, whenever I step into a courtroom...
I think of something...
a great law professor of mine once said.
But that can wait for tomorrow.
The important thing to remember...
is that that man over there, Benjamin Matthew Gibbs...
is insane.
Insanity?
Terrific.
Yeah, a little improv...
but most of it was yours, and they ate it up.
No more ad libs, Ricky. I mean it.
OK, fine. So, when's our expert coming?
Tomorrow after court.
Assuming we survive court.
Look at that, Charlie.
It's like a dream going by.
Black coffee?
Hang on, Tiff.
Yes, please. Thank you.
So, what do you do anyway?
You bookies?
You eat like bookies.
I'm...
He's a lawyer.
Oh. So, what do you do?
I am an actor.
Wow.
That is, like, the greatest job in the whole world.
I mean, just to be able to change yourself like that.
You must feel so free.
You have to sign that.
Oh! Right.
Think I'll save this.
Might be worth something one day.
You know, folks, at the heart of every trial...
is a performance...
and the heart of every performance...
is the truth.
When you walk into the courtroom...
you're the actor...
you're the director, you're the producer...
and if it's going to be a great performance...
It was him. He's the man.
We bought ten of them.
Irma... That's my financial whiz of a wife...
said they'd go up in value...
same as the Bradford Exchange plates.
"Invest now. Two hundred dollars," she says.
Objection, Your Honor. That's hearsay.
Sustained.
Did you go into your savings?
- Into your nest egg? - Objection, Your Honor.
She's leading the witness.
Objection is sustained.
Mr. Crabbit, how much money did you send Mr. Gibbs?
Over two hundred dollars.
And what did you get for your two hundred dollars?
Ten cents.
Nothing further.
Your witness.
The defense has no questions at this time.
You are excused.
This... this is all I got.
Your witness.
Does the defense wish to cross-examine?
What the hell is going on here?
Don't you want to ask anything?
He's right. I look stupid. Give me a couple of questions.
Do you wish to cross-examine, Mr. Tuttle?
Yes, I do, Your Honor.
Just a couple of questions.
Hello, Mr. Norman. Can I call you Buck?
Mr. Norman...
what was your impression of Ben Gibbs...
when you first met him?
I... I never met him.
Thank you.
If you had, would you have bought anything from him?
- No. - Is that because he looks crazy?
What? You're saying that he doesn't look crazy?
Right! You can't say he doesn't look crazy, can you, Mr. Norman?
Objection!
Sustained.
Don't you ever, and I mean ever, pull a stunt like that again!
What are you talking about? He was contradicting himself.
I was this far from destroying him!
It made no sense.
Gerry Spence says an attorney must construct his own reality.
Gerry Spence?!
Charlie, the jury loved it.
You're crazy! Nobody in a real courtroom...
falls for that kind of melodramatic garbage!
Hey, man, nice work in there.
We'd better go. We got a three o'clock with our client.
So, how do you want me to play it with the shrink?
Just be yourself. All he wants to know...
is whether you can tell right from wrong.
Why not put me on the stand?
I can sell the jury anything you want.
That's an interesting approach, Ben.
Could we confer for a moment?
Mr. Gibbs, excuse us for just a second.
What are you doing?
Encouraging our client to perjure himself?
I did not!
There's no way I'm putting Gibbs on the stand.
I know this guy. He's got talent.
If I work with him a little...
maybe he didn't have any criminal intent.
No criminal intent? You an expert on the penal code?
You're an actor! He's a crook.
Hello?
I'm Dr. Brown.
You're jokin'.
- He's a kid. - He has a degree.
In counseling. He's not even a real doctor.
Look, I had a day to find somebody and get them up here.
Wouldn't you feel a little bad if Gibbs went to jail?
No, I wouldn't. He's been swindling people for years.
At least get him a real psychiatrist.
Listen to me. Dr. Brown says his piece...
then we close and get out of here.
You saw that guy.
He's walking around with a melvin and a zit on his nose.
- I can't win with that. - Can't win?
Wait, wait, wait! Did you just say you can't win?
Can't look lawyerly.
We don't want to win, Richard.
This isn't about winning.
This is about not getting lynched!
What the hell is this?
Gerry Spence has never lost a case, Charlie. Never.
You think that's all there is to it?
You think you put on a jacket, and that makes you a lawyer?
It's not the whole character.
It's just a window into what I'm working on.
It's not a character. It's not a role.
It's me. It's my career.
It is years and years and years...
and years and years of hard work!
You're very upset right now.
Upset?! Let me tell you something.
If you screw this up, Richard, you won't just get a bad review.
You'll ruin my career.
Just get a bad review? These things hurt.
This is my life, Richard.
I am a member of the bar in three states.
I was associate editor of the Law Review.
I don't pose, I don't preen...
I don't put perjured testimony on the stand.
I don't make a mockery of the American legal system.
Well, you got your style, I got mine.
No, you got nothing. You've got nothing.
You've got a S.A.G. card...
and a rent-controlled apartment in Santa Monica.
That's what you've got. You're in over your head.
You don't have the equipment for this.
Oh, I don't have the equipment for this?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Forget it. - No. What does that mean?
I don't have the equipment?
Fine.
Where are you going?
You'll see.
Jackie, hi, it's me, Richard.
Listen, hon, I need you to do me a really big favor.
Come in.
This is for you.
Thank you.
Egg salad sandwich, side of potato salad...
pot of coffee, and six aspirin.
Don't you get stomach trouble?
That's really my business.
Right you are.
Well, have a nice dinner.
This isn't what I ordered.
Egg salad sandwich and a side of p. salad.
No. I asked for wheat, not rye.
I wanted mustard instead of mayo...
I wanted one leaf of lettuce...
and I never even mentioned cheese.
Oh, well, it's Jarlsberg.
So?
- It's good. - I don't care.
Well, it seems kind of like the point, doesn't it?
Listen, OK? I distinctly ordered...
I know. I put the cheese on myself.
Just try it. If you don't like it...
Listen to me. I like my egg salad on wheat.
I like it with mustard, not mayo...
with one leaf of lettuce...
Pretty good, huh?
That's because of the cheese.
Want me to go get you one the way you like it?
Great.
In the course of the interview, I noted a marked tendency...
towards paraschizophrenic behavior...
and, no, I do not feel...
Mr. Gibbs can distinguish between right and wrong.
Thank you.
Your witness.
Dr. Brown, how old are you?
Objection. Irrelevant.
Sustained.
Let me put it this way.
Where were you when Kennedy was shot?
- Objection. - Fine. Withdrawn.
What is this?
Dr. Brown, what exactly is wrong with Benny Gibbs?
He has an associative form of reality-based psychosis.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Could you tell the court, please...
what studies you've done...
papers you've published, lectures you've given...
on this disorder?
Per se?
None, per se.
Then how many not per se?
Not per se?
That would be none, also.
Thank you.
Nothing further.
Thanks, counselor. Great witness.
Does the defense wish to redirect?
No, Your Honor.
Dr. Brown, you are excused.
Does the defense wish to rest?
No, sir.
Your Honor, if we could have a short recess...
a witness has just arrived...
who really can clear up the question...
of Mr. Gibbs' sanity... His personal physician.
What the hell are you doing?
It's perjury! This is perjury!
You can't go in there and put on perjured testimony!
What perjury? Gibbs just hired her.
She's a licensed physician.
Mr. Tuttle?
Court is reconvening, sir.
Licensed from where? From where is she licensed?
I hold advanced degrees...
from the Mind-Body Institute in the Philippines...
and the Kratona Healing Center in Taiwan...
where I studied with Dr. Chou Li.
I see. And have you published any articles...
or given any lectures on biochemistry?
Oh, yes. I lecture on my books.
May I? It's a series.
"Refined Sugar and You..."
"Fatty Foods and You..."
and "Pesticides and You."
I'd like these items entered in as defense exhibits A-C.
Furthermore, Your Honor...
the witness has brought in some sample items...
from Mr. Gibbs' pantry in this bag.
May I have them collectively entered as defense exhibit D?
Any objection?
Miss Thoreau, tell us about this food.
May I stand?
Sure.
Now, looking at his diet...
you see various red meats...
saturated fats...
sugar, chocolate.
Look at all this chocolate.
Mmm. And did you examine Mr. Gibbs this afternoon?
Yes. After administering...
a standard glucose-tolerance test...
I found that his blood sugar levels...
were abnormally high.
Go ahead, Miss Thoreau. Why don't you explain?
As you can see...
the chemical composition for table sugar...
is C12, H22, O11.
That's how Mr. Gibbs' brain reads the Sugar Puffs...
the Chewy Bears, and the jelly beans.
Now look at cocaine...
C17, H21, NO4.
Give or take a nitrogen, this man's on drugs.
So, in your expert opinion...
it would be safe to say you are what you eat.
Objection! Objection!
You can't object!
Recess! The defense calls for a recess!
Get him out of here!
No! Ask for a recess!
Ask... ask...
Your Honor...
Proceed, Mr. Tuttle, please!
Your Honor, please, I apologize!
Please, let me... let me...
Let me back in! Let me back in!
Your witness.
Exactly how long have you been Mr. Gibbs' doctor?
Objection.
Leading.
Overruled.
Vague?
How long have you been treating Mr. Gibbs?
- Not long. - How long?
I started today.
Doesn't this chart show that the difference between...
the chemical formula for sugar...
and the chemical formula for cocaine...
is five carbon atoms, one hydrogen atom...
seven oxygen atoms, and one nitrogen atom?
Sure, but that's virtually nothing.
I mean, how big is an atom?
Miss Thoreau, you must have an amazing talent.
Can you bend spoons, too?
Argumentative.
Argumentative?
Sustained.
Miss Thoreau, you have been treating Mr. Gibbs...
for less than a day.
Asked and answered!
- What? - What?
Nothing.
So, Miss Thoreau...
how long do these diagnoses of yours generally take?
Not long. Take you.
The whites of your eyes are tinged yellow.
You had alcohol last night.
Not just one glass.
OK, that's fine. Thank you.
The tight dry skin and dark circles scream circulation.
You need to irrigate, Miss Gardner.
Cut out those three to four cups of coffee.
- They can strip the vessels. - Thank you.
I'd say your cholesterol is around two-eighty...
your blood pressure around 150 over 105...
Your Honor...
I'd guess that PMS hits you really hard.
Your Honor!
A good colonic would flush out most of those poisons.
Miss Thoreau...
limit your answers to the questions asked.
I am.
Counsel asked you how long diagnosis takes!
I pegged her in 38 seconds.
You didn't peg anybody!
That's badgering!
Quiet! Quiet!
Nobody breathe!
I will have order in my courtroom!
Mr. Rjetti?
The defense rests!
Mr. Rjetti, you are in contempt of court.
The defense rests!
Get out, Mr. Rjetti!
And if I ever again see you...
within one hundred yards of this courthouse...
you are history!
Bailiffs!
The defense rests!
Mr. Tuttle?
Proceed.
In light of the circumstances, sir...
perhaps a short time-out...
Clean it up, sweep the floor, we are going to proceed.
I don't care if the whole roof comes down!
ninety eight, ninety nine, one hundred.
You see that?
No further.
Sock it to me, sock it to me
Ow, just a little
Just a little bit
What happened?
I fell...
far.
Oh, you're bleeding.
Pinch your nose below the bridge.
It cuts off the capillaries.
Come on. Let me take care of that.
Here you go.
Nope. This way.
There you go.
You OK?
Here, use this.
There you go.
You live here?
Can't beat the rent.
Come on.
It blew out up on the highway, and I nearly spun out...
so I bailed out onto this dirt road...
to keep from flipping over, and this is where I ended up.
You just stayed here?
Haven't budged in a couple of years.
You're bleeding again. I'm gonna get you a towel, OK?
Did you study nutrition in and accredited college?
Science?
Medicine?
Dr. Thoreau...
May I call you doctor?
I was on my way to Berkeley when the tire blew out.
I was gonna get a masters in astronomy.
I'd rather look at stars.
I don't under... I don't understand.
You didn't go to grad school because you got a flat tire?
Yup. Here, drink this fast.
Uh, no, I gotta go.
Where to?
Well, I...
I know just what you need.
What are you doing?
You'll see. The porcelain's fantastic.
Uh, uh, be careful with that.
Relax. I do this all the time.
It's like a meditation.
I tanked it!
You wanna hit the bowl dead center.
Here, try.
I don't believe in guns.
I don't even like to, you know, be around them.
You must have to as an actor. You must've done shoot-outs.
I'm not that kind of actor.
Well, what kind are you?
Well, I don't know.
What was the last thing you played?
A lawyer.
Oh, like your friend.
No, no, no. Nothing like him.
No, this lawyer was, uh...
stable.
Stable?
Yeah, stable, respectable.
Very respectable.
He had everything.
Thirty-seventh-floor office, boss' daughter...
a future... big, bright future.
You should have seen her ring.
Four carat, center stone.
Stemware.
Flatware.
Service for twelve.
Her engagement photo was in "Town and Country" magazine.
So it was a love story.
That's right.
A love story.
Oh, there you are, Charlie.
I was worrying about you, man.
Who's Randy?
Drummer. Lived with Billie for a while.
Oh, you were with the waitress.
Ricky, have you ever wondered where everything ends up?
What?
Like toilets or tires or auto parts, you know?
Sometimes it only takes one little thing...
to push us in one direction or another.
Uh-huh.
What are you talking about?
It's my kindergarten teacher. I was four.
She said I was too advanced for my class...
so they skipped me a grade, but I didn't want to be skipped...
but everybody acted like I was so special.
Soon I was working even harder to get skipped all over again.
And that, my friend...
is how you end up in the junkyard.
OK, sit down.
It's a chain reaction.
First valedictorian, then Yale, then Yale Law...
then the clerking in the ninth circuit...
then it's the right firm. Gotta have the right firm.
Then it's flatware, crystal, and an organdy china pattern.
Are you OK?
Yeah, why?
Because tomorrow she shoves a witness up my ass...
and I don't know if I'm allowed to cross-examine...
outside the scope of direct examination.
Depends.
It's Tiffany.
I can't talk to her.
Why not?
Hi, hon.
Charles, we've got a disaster.
The Oasis flatware has been discontinued.
Everybody's calling my mother...
and she's sending them to Orgell.
Jesus, we're gonna end up with a hundred frigging ice buckets.
Charles, I know you have to work this week...
but I feel very isolated and unsupported...
having to go through this whole present thing by myself.
Charles, you there?
Charles, are you smiling?
No, no, I'm not smiling.
Well, you sound like you're smiling.
Tiff, I gotta go.
- What? - I'll call you later.
What was your question?
Charlie, I need you.
You gotta concentrate.
You give up now, we're all going to jail!
I'm banned from court.
What do you want me to do?
Test, test, test.
Give me a hearsay.
Testing.
Can you hear me? Give me a hearsay.
Can you hear me?
Testing. Give me a hearsay.
Oh, that's great, Charlie.
It's like you're right here.
Uh-oh. Here comes the judge.
Miss Gardner.
Yes, Your Honor?
Are the people prepared to go forward...
with their rebuttal witness?
We are, Your Honor.
Bailiff, bring in the jury.
Sherman Stone, S-T-O-N-E.
I'm currently head of...
the Utah State Institute for Psychiatric Studies.
Dr. Stone, you wrote a best-seller...
on the insanity defense, did you not...
in which you characterized this defense as misleading...
Objection, leading.
Sustained.
Dr. Stone, what was the thesis of your book?
In a nutshell, it's that the insanity defense...
is frequently abused are rarely relevant.
Can we object to that?
Dr. Stone, would you clarify what you mean...
by "frequently abused" and "rarely..."
I hold degrees from...
the Stanford University School of Medicine...
and the University of South Carolina.
Aren't we gonna object to this?
Oh, thank you, but...
This was in the pocket.
"Decorum and Attire for Groom and Best Man."
Are you the best man?
Oh, so you're, um...
Not that it's any of my business.
It's just that you meet somebody...
and it feels different.
And your mind gets racing...
which is really stupid, because let's face it...
no matter what kind of fantasies you have...
that person is still a stranger...
if you've only known them for...
You know.
And then I think to myself...
"Christ, if you want to live alone in the woods...
"then live in the woods, but if you don't..."
Give me another one.
Come on, man, help me out here.
In your expert opinion, is Mr. Gibbs insane?
Objection, irrelevant.
Mr. Tuttle!
I mean argumentative.
Assumes facts not in evidence.
Badgering!
Definitely badgering.
And Mr. Gibbs can tell right from wrong?
Probably better than we can.
Thank you, Dr. Stone, for finally clearing that up.
Your Honor, I have no further questions.
Do you wish to cross-examine, Mr. Tuttle?
No, sir.
Does the defense wish to rest?
Your Honor, may I have a moment to confer?
Thank you.
Are you selling me out?
I've got no more witnesses.
Put me on the stand.
If I'm going down...
the least you can do is let me fight for myself.
What am I gonna ask you?
One question.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth...
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
How can you even ask me that?
Mr. Gibbs.
I do.
Mr. Gibbs...
can you think of anything that might have contributed...
to your current condition?
Condition?
Your chemical dependency.
No, I can't.
You can't?
Well, uh...
there was a party one year out by the lake.
Is that what you mean?
Yes, yes, that's it.
Um, tell us about the party by the lake.
I was six years old.
It was October thirty-first.
I was hungry.
I didn't come from a wealthy family...
if you know what I mean.
So, October thirty-first.
Oh, Halloween.
Yes, yes, Halloween...
where you had your first sweets.
Where you had your first encounter with the sugar...
that would eventually enslave you!
- Leading. - Sustained.
Uh, Mr. Gibbs...
tell us about that first Halloween.
I was with my girlfriend, Nancy Newcombe, she was seven...
and I was holding Mama's old pillowcase full of candy.
I remember I was holding it when the pier collapsed...
but I can't remember what happened to it afterwards.
Isn't that funny?
The pier.
Yeah, that's where the party was.
Lake Michigan froze over that year.
Bone-chilling cold.
That's why, folks...
our town isn't just a desert truck stop to me.
It's the warm home I've always dreamed of.
Objection.
What is the relevance of this line of questioning?
If you'll allow me some leeway, it'll be clear very soon.
I can hardly wait.
Now, uh, you were saying?
About the party?
Oh, yes, for all us kids at the orphanage.
The orphanage?
Our Lady of Detroit.
The sisters gave a Halloween party on the pier every year.
I came dressed as the Great Pumpkin...
but everybody called me little pumpkin.
But it was so cold that particular year...
that one of the big boys, Eddie Rollins, and his pals...
they built a fire...
which got away from them, I guess...
because that's when the pier caught fire and collapsed.
We fell right through the ice into the freezing water.
I helped the little kids struggle out, but...
those poor cold little bunnies and angels...
Aw, there was howling wind.
- Your Honor. - Let him finish.
Nancy gave me a hug and a kiss.
She says, "You're my hero, Ben Gibbs.
"You saved the little ones."
But that made Eddie Rollins mad, and he said...
"Hero, heck, he's the one that started the fire..."
and all his pals joined in.
"The pumpkin did it, the little pumpkin."
And then all the other kids turned on me.
Somebody grabbed a handful of mud and said...
"Hey, pumpkin boy." Boom.
By the time the sisters got there...
I had mud up my nose, in my mouth, in my eyes.
I couldn't see. I was on my knees.
I was crying so hard...
I just couldn't explain the truth...
and then that's when they threw me out...
right then and there.
They threw you out of an orphanage.
Well, by the time I got back, they had shut the gates.
Locked 'em. Chains and padlocks.
There I was, my poor little hands...
freezing to those metal gates...
my pumpkin suit whipping in the wind.
"Let me in, please."
That's when I caught a glimpse in the second-story window...
a glimpse of my only friend in the world...
Nancy Newcombe.
She was clean now, warm and dry.
She was talking to a kind-looking man and woman.
She was being adopted.
I was so happy for her 'cause she was truly good.
She said, "Bye, Benny.
"You're my hero. I'll always remember you.
"Look in our hiding place.
"I left something for you. Bye-bye."
I never saw Nancy again...
but in our secret hiding place...
I found this.
A Tootsie Roll.
She knew it was my favorite.
I'm sorry.
It's a penny!
He sold pennies for 17.99!
It's a penny!
- It's also an engraving. - Order.
Here's an engraving. You give me $17.99!
Come on, give it to me!
Miss Gardner...
Here's six, seven, eight engravings...
times 17.99.
What is that?
143.92.
You give me 143.92!
Miss Gardner, control yourself!
Me, me?!
Quiet!
Oh, God, I'm late for work.
What?
Bravo.
That was quite a performance.
Thanks.
I feel so badly for that poor man.
Is there something I could do?
Maybe give him my house or something?
You wanted to see me?
Right, you are.
Here.
One year minimum security.
I don't want to ever see this case again...
for the rest of my life.
I don't understand.
Oh, I'm sorry. I probably said it really fast.
You win.
And here's your plea bargain.
Don't mention it.
You want to have a drink?
What?
You know, like two warriors after the battle...
toasting the effort.
Want to?
Where do you come from?
Where do you want me to come from?
Must be nice having so much in common with your client.
You paying for this drink?
I don't mind losing. I never mind losing.
A case is a case.
It's just that now...
I have to explain this to Mr. Parnell...
and that's gonna be hard.
Well, who's Mr. Parnell?
He's a man that went into business with Benny Gibbs.
That's a sad story.
Do you want to hear it?
Yeah, sure.
Well, he's this old man, used to run his own business.
It went belly up, but he saved a little cash for his old age.
Gibbs finds him, shows him this big, fancy business plan...
shows him how he'll triple his money in six months...
even if the business fails.
Even if it fails.
Yeah, so what happened?
It never got a chance to fail.
Gibbs skipped town with the money.
Parnell lost his entire retirement account.
Now he won't come out of his apartment.
He won't testify...
because he doesn't want the world thinking he's a fool.
It's sad.
Yeah, it is sad.
Sadder if it was true.
- What? - You believed me.
See how easy it is to win when you lie?
- You made that up. - Every bit of it.
Well, good for you.
At least I didn't do it on the stand.
I didn't do it on the stand, either.
Oh, right. Your client did. Big difference.
Look, I didn't know that Gibbs was lying when I put him on.
No. You're a good lawyer.
No paper trail, total deniability.
That way you didn't put a perjured testimony on the stand.
You don't care.
It's all the same thing, right?
Truth, lies, lies, truth.
The most devastatingly handsome man I ever met.
You know, you really missed your calling.
You should have been an actor.
What kind of law do you practice?
What?
What is it? Is it a big firm? A small firm? What's it called?
Whitfield and Morris.
What do you mean I should be an actor?
You could have won an Oscar in there.
Whitfield and Morris?
I think I've heard of them.
Are you a partner?
I... I just, um...
Just became partner?
Well, congratulations.
So, what do you have?
Big corner office? View of the city?
Yeah, there's a view.
Of course there is.
Where did you go to law school?
Yale.
Yale?
Well, there's a big deal.
I have a big office, I have a big car...
and a big, uh...
I'm big.
I'll see you later.
Yes, there really is a Mr. Parnell.
Got the plea bargain.
One year minimum security.
Guy's an asshole, Charlie.
I know.
And do you know why he's an asshole?
Because he's never taken responsibility...
for anything he's ever done.
'Cause he's got a story for everything...
and if the truth catches up to him...
then, hey, he just tells one more lie...
to stay ahead of it.
That sound familiar?
You're right.
I'm an asshole.
No, you're not...
I'm the asshole.
- No, I'm an asshole. - No, I'm...
Why are you an asshole?
'Cause you made me rent a tuxedo?
Because in three days...
I'm going to get married to a girl...
who...
What is this?
It's bourbon and Dr. Pepper.
I guess we can get out of here now.
Yeah, I guess we can.
Well, that's good anyway.
Yeah, that's great.
I guess it turned out OK after all.
Yep. Terrific.
I wanna tell you the truth! I've got to tell you!
Can I talk to you now? Please? Can I talk to you?
I have to talk to you!
Hey, you're wet!
I'm not who you think I am.
Would you please leave? I'm going to bed.
Wait. You wanted the truth. Here it is.
I'm not Charlie Tuttle.
I'm not a partner at Whitfield and Morris.
I'm not even a lawyer.
What?
My name is Richard Rjetti.
You thought I was an actor because I am an actor.
That's not true, either. Sometimes I'm an actor.
When I get a part or I'm in a workshop or something.
No! No, fact is, I'm an actor.
Whether I'm working or not, I'm an actor. That's the truth.
Wait...
I lost this case to an actor?
I'm a pretty good actor. You said so yourself.
- Get out now. - You wanted the truth.
This is a crime, Tuttle.
I don't care.
I'm a prosecutor.
Well, yeah...
Yeah! I'm a prosecutor!
Oh, my God, it's you.
- It's you. - Get out now!
In the desert... with your hair...
It's not me.
'Course it's you.
Don't you look at me like that.
What?
That's it, Tuttle. You're in a lot of...
- Get out. - No, you kissed me back.
- No. I did not. - I know you did.
Bullshit.
You kissed me back.
I know you kissed me back!
- Pick one! - Oh, God.
Surprise!
How did you get here?
I chartered a plane.
Now, is that any way to welcome your beloved?
Ugh! You're wet!
Uh, I fell in the pool.
Oh. You know, I hung up the phone with you...
and I felt so distant and remote.
Didn't you feel that way?
I was in Nevada.
I know. That's what I told myself.
I said, I can choose to stay here...
and turn into a righteous bitch...
or I can choose to go to Nevada and get the attention I need.
It's like Dr. Pearlstein said...
about taking responsibility for your circumstances.
Right. Right.
I guess I just came here...
'cause I needed to hear that you love me.
Do you love me?
How can you even ask that question?
Oh, I wuv you, too!
Oh... my... God.
Holy God, what are you doing?
Injecting spontaneity.
They say it doesn't have to be lost.
You just have to plan ahead...
and make a little time for it in a busy schedule.
Charles, it'll be so romantic.
You know, I ordered champagne and strawberries.
You what?
They didn't have strawberries.
He said the girl would bring seasonal fruit.
What girl?
I don't know. Some waitress.
No, no, no. Wait!
Wait. Why don't you go to the bedroom...
and I'll be in in just a minute?
Billie! Hi.
You are the greatest guy in the whole world.
I love champagne.
I used to lie there in college...
and try and count all the bubbles.
What's the extra whipped cream for?
You know, Hank kept wondering...
why I went through the whole fridge...
looking for a really old bottle.
He goes, "Billie, what's the difference?"
I go, "You know, Hank, I'm just trying to do my..."
My job.
What's the fruit?
Pardon?
The seasonal fruit?
Do you speak English?
Habla...
Peaches.
Oh, good. My fave.
Come to bed, sweetie.
Just listen...
Guess you were the groom, hmm?
Look, it's not a federal case.
We saw each other, we liked each other...
and it was nice.
Really nice.
It's just really complicated.
No, it's not.
It's fine.
Honey, tip her and come to bed.
It's OK. Really.
"If you don't wanna wear peach, don't be a bridesmaid," I said.
"I don't care what your base skin tone is."
Big day, huh?
You got it all planned out?
I don't think that's going to be necess...
Morning...
counselor.
Morning.
Do you have a signed plea bargain?
Or we can't dismiss.
What plea bargain?
You win, Benny.
One year minimum security.
No way. We got these turkeys on the run.
What?
I'm not signing anything. I'm innocent.
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
No, you're not. You screwed sixty-five people.
Now sign the damn thing.
Court is in session.
The honorable Paul Z. Graff is presiding.
They were legitimate business transactions.
On the record of the Gibbs matter...
I understand we have a plea bargain...
to look forward to.
No way.
Actually, Your Honor, my client has changed his mind.
Why am I surprised?
Bailiff, the jury.
Uh, are you prepared to close, counselor?
I think I'll waive my right to go first.
I can't wait to hear what he has to say.
Fine. Fine. Are you prepared to close?
- Close? - Your closing argument.
That usually does conclude these little festivities!
Of course.
It's not the dress that bothers me...
it's the whole question of friendship.
And I figure if she's willing to clash with the flowers...
and screw up my whole color palette...
then she's really not my friend to begin with.
Will you hang on a second?
What?
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's, um...
kind of hard for me to know what to say here.
What can be said about this man and everything he's done?
Oh, what can be said in his defense?
Well...
uh, he lied.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he lied.
He took their money. That's true.
Why did he lie?
Let's see...
What makes a person lie?
Well, there's all kinds of reasons...
why people don't tell the truth.
Um... well, there's the sugar.
There's the years and years of candy.
You've heard all the testimony.
You probably don't believe that, do you?
See, I didn't think so.
There's the money, right?
Yeah. He could have done it just for the money.
Was that the only reason?
See, I think maybe there's another reason, too.
I think maybe he was lying to himself.
Maybe he's been lying for so long...
it started to feel like he was telling the truth.
Maybe he's the person that he conned the most.
I mean, we all do that, you know.
All keep a little bit of ourselves hidden.
'Cause if we didn't...
well, then we'd have to look at who we are...
who we really are... and if we didn't like it...
well, we'd have nobody to blame but ourselves.
So, the question is...
does this excuse Benny Gibbs?
Well...
that's up to you.
You son of a bitch!
How can you do this to me?
Look, I wasn't being honest.
Don't give me that shit!
Three hundred people are coming to the Beverly Hills Hotel!
Who the hell am I supposed to marry now?
Are you prepared to close, Miss Gardner?
Yes, I am, Your Honor.
The defendant sold pennies for $17.99.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
it appears that this case is almost over.
Madam foreman...
I understand you have reached a verdict.
We have, Your Honor.
How do you find?
We, the jury in the above entitled action...
find the defendant, Benjamin Gibbs...
guilty as charged.
Hallelujah.
Nice job.
OK, I'll take the plea bargain.
Bailiff, take him away.
Oh, come on, judge. A deal's a deal.
Bye-bye, pumpkin boy.
Just because I was five minutes late to the party!
Court is adjourned.
Nice close.
So you're the lawyer?
Wow.
Yeah. I... Look, I didn't want to lie.
I mean, I didn't mean to lie.
You know how I said...
I got a flat tire on the way to school?
Well, I got it going the opposite direction.
I flunked out, and I was on my way home.
Didn't want to face my dad, so...
You could have told me that.
I just did.
Well...
OK, so it's not the most romantic present in the world.
I know that.
But my address is on the inside rim.
That's the sweetest gift I've ever gotten.
All right, we should definitely slow down now, OK?
Wait, no! No! Don't go faster!
Whoa! OK, whoa!
Aah! Hey, watch it!
What am I supposed to hold on to?
Not that.
I gotta hold on to something!
It's dangerous!