(MITCH SNEEZES)
MITCH: Ah! Santa?
(SHATTERING)
Holy crap, Boyd. The hell you doing back there, buddy?
Waiting on Santa Claus.
Aren't you getting a little old for Santa Claus?
I'm five.
It's all a sham, Boyd, the whole goddamn deal.
I'm the only Santa you're ever going to know.
If you know the truth, it's easier to get through it all.
Fact, wanna see what he brought you?
BOYD: Meet my father, Mitch Mitchler.
A little train.
MITCH: All we need is a couple of Chinese workers.
BOYD: He was a little bit complicated.
BOYD: Maybe I was destined to become an overcompensator as a dad,
Christmas being the most obvious manifestation of that.
All right, here we go! Okay, lean in, everyone.
(CAMERA BEEPING)
I'm also a realist. I can't control everything. The weather, for instance.
(GASPS) Look, Dad! It's snowing.
Well, Bug, that's actually fake snow.
Because of global warming.
The warmest winter on record in the Midwest assured a non-white Christmas.
The bigger issue, by far, was the Santa conundrum.
Look! He's right there.
Vera was very much on the fence Santa-wise, but Douglas still believed.
Dad, why is there two Santas?
But for how much longer?
That guy's not Santa, Bug.
He probably smells like pee and burned hair because he's a welfare person.
LUANN: Vera. But Santa's not real anyway.
(BOYD GASPS)
Santa's not real, Dad?
Of course Santa's real. No one's not real.
Everyone's real. Including Santa.
Mmm-hmm.
Vera, a word, please.
Whatever you think you know, Vera, you don't.
Most kids in my class don't believe in Santa anymore.
But Madison and me... I mean Madison and I, we kind of still did,
except for Madison's sister, the one
who did the BJ to this kid on the bus...
(COUGHS)
Uh, Vera, you don't actually know what the B...
What that expression means, do you?
It stands for "butt jam,"
and I think it has to do with jamming stuff up your butt for money,
but anyway, Madison's sister, she showed us this website, nosanta.org
Well, Madison's sister is a deceitful little strumpet.
Uh... What Dad means is that it's okay for you
to decide about Santa, but Douglas...
He absolutely believes,
and we wouldn't want to do anything
to spoil Christmas for him, right?
Oh, right! I won't spoil it for Bug, Dad. Sorry.
Thank you.
You are a very kind and generous young man,
and you are going to have a very merry and special Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, you wanna... (CLICKING TONGUE)
(LAUGHING) I wasn't gonna ask if you want to smoke meth or kill a drifter.
I'm sorry. (STUTTERING) I didn't mean that. I just... I'm exhausted.
I'm with you. I just thought I should ask.
One day, we're going to have to, right?
Or we could just enjoy the slow descent into celibacy.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(BOYD SIGHS)
How many years do you think Bug has left
where he walks into the living room Christmas morning,
he sees the tree, the presents, and his stomach just drops
because, holy crap, Santa came?
Can you imagine still having that kind of belief in magic?
Yeah, it's really cool.
Do you think...
...you're overcompensating on the Christmas thing just a tad?
Over... On the Christmas thing?
(PHONE RINGING)
No, I don't think that at all.
He's six years old.
Okay, this is your brother, again.
Pass.
You can't keep pretending your family doesn't exist.
I'm pretty sure I can.
Come on, babe, take the call before it wakes the kids up.
(SIGHING)
Hi, Nelson.
NELSON: Whoa, that is spooky.
How'd you know it was me?
BOYD: We have caller ID, so your number comes up.
Just right there on the phone? Boy, that is something. I gotta look into that.
Yeah, it's a miracle of science.
Yeah, you bet.
(LOUDLY) Hold on one sec, Boyd.
(LOUD WHIRRING)
Sorry to call you so late, by the way.
Is it nighttime where you are, too?
No, it's 10:00 here, too, because Chicago and Wisconsin are...
What is, "in the same time zone"? (LAUGHING)
Yup, they're in the same time zone.
I don't know if you caught that, I said it like Jeopardy!
So, what do you need, bud?
Oh. Oh, right. Uh...
So anyway, I'm calling to tell you I scored myself a kid.
A little boy. I'm a dad.
Really?
He seems to have procreated.
Ew!
I was calling to say, I want you to be the godfather.
Really? We would be honored.
That is just the best, Boyd.
Jeez, that is so... (BABY COOING)
I know it's short notice, but the baptism is on the 24th.
Absolutely. We wouldn't miss it for the world.
Sweet.
Uh, January or February?
No, Boyd, December. December 24th. Oh, you can't wait for it.
December? Well...
Nelson, you can't have a baptism on Christmas Eve, it doesn't...
Wait, that...
That would mean that I'd have to spend Christmas with, uh, Dad.
I'll smoke in my goddamn house if I want to. It's my house.
Name's right there on the mortgage, right there on the mailbox.
His name on the mortgage, Donna?
His name on the frigging mailbox?
No, sir, it is not. Didn't think so.
Ipso facto ergo, not his goddamn house.
Jeez, oh, man. You exhaust me, Mitch.
You know it is a dream come true for me
to have my family home at Christmas.
There's no way they were going to get
a motel room now at this late date,
and with Boyd's asthma...
Asthma! Any other restrictions Captain Wheezy wants to put on me?
Well, there is one more thing.
I was planning on doing venison for Christmas Eve supper,
but apparently Boyd's family doesn't eat red meat,
and I was going to make venison...
Cripes' sake.
(MUMBLING) Red meat, my ass.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Is that all of Douglas' stuff?
Sí. What about Vera's?
I hid it in the car this morning.
Oh, you're aces.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) (CHUCKLING)
So, you ready to see your dad?
Yeah, can't wait. I'm actually looking forward to it.
Really? No!
I'd rather be sodomized by an angry clown.
I just want the kids to have a good Christmas.
Me, too.
DOUGLAS: Dad? BOYD: Jeez!
Hi, what are you doing?
Hi, Dougie Doodle.
Who's going to feed Dale while we're gone?
Oh, that would be... Farhad.
Mom's ESL student. Who's Farhad?
What's ESL?
Remember? English as a Second Language?
Why don't you tell him, Dad? Race you upstairs.
(SIREN BLARING)
Son of a bitch!
Mom, Dad said, "bitch."
"Bitch" isn't a bad word, Bug. Neither is "bastard" or "ass."
LUANN: Hey, you guys. Come on.
VERA: They're in the Bible, Mom.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, we're twins! (LAUGHS) Merry Christmas.
License and proof of insurance, please.
Awesome.
So I did clock you doing 67 in a 45, Mr. Mitchler.
Yeah, the bum deal about that is it's a $450 infraction,
but there is some good news.
You can pay online now in the state of Wisconsin.
Yeah, it's a real sweet website,
takes Discover so you get the cash back,
which, you know, (CHUCKLES) helps out.
All right, kids, hope Santa treats you good.
Take care. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
KIDS: Merry Christmas.
OFFICER: You bet.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Aw. Where the heck can they be?
Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot.
You having a good time, Dad?
Oh, yeah, I'm delirious.
I want some milk.
You have to wait till supper like the rest of us, Cale.
Where's the sex offender?
He's not a sex offender.
Really? What should I call him then? Willy Wanker?
With the help of our marriage counselor,
me and Dave have worked through his transgressions.
So my husband, Dad, is outside smoking a heater.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEAKING)
Lay off, stupid slit.
Dad! Rance's being a gomer!
DAVE: Hey, you guys, cut it out.
Where the hell'd you get that thing from?
I took it!
Well, put it the hell back from where you took it from!
(GRUNTS)
Thank you.
Oh, crud, I can't find my camera.
Mitch, go look for it, will you?
For cripes' sake, we're not National Geographic
and they're not some bunch of bonobos.
Mitch, they've never been here for Christmas.
Well, whose fault is that? Not mine.
Boyd's the one who thinks he's too good for us.
Having my family here means everything to me,
so quit being such an a-hole and go look for my G.D. Camera.
(HORN HONKING)
RANCE: They're here!
(HONKING CONTINUES)
Shut up, tramp stamp.
Mitch! Hurry up, Boyd's here!
RANCE: What's up, guys?
Boyd! Aw, honey.
RANCE: Hey! Get in here for a group hug.
Mom.
I love you. Welcome home.
I love you, too. It's great to be home.
You are looking fine as wine.
Can you believe it, Boyd? All of us together at Christmas.
I know, it's great. Where's the Nel?
Nelson and the baby are meeting us at church.
Gotcha.
Isn't this perfect, Boyd? This is perfect.
Oh! DONNA: Oh, God!
(ALL SCREAMING)
This dog don't hunt. LUANN: Why is he hitting him?
This dog don't hunt.
(FIRE EXTINGUISHER HISSING)
(BOYD PANTING)
VERA: Dad! Dad, you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine. DAVE: Yeah, you're welcome.
Anytime, you're family.
You okay?
DOUGLAS: Poobah.
Dougie Doodle, how are you, little bugger?
Everybody, get together for a quick photo
and then we gotta get ready for church.
That glorious song of old
From angels bending near the earth
To touch their harps of gold
Peace on the earth, good will to men
From heaven' all gracious king
I really don't know the words to say
So now I don't have to sing
Uh... (FEEDBACK WHINES)
Well, of course, most of you remember my wife Cindy,
and might have known that when I was at basic,
over by Fort Dix,
she ran off with this Mexican guy
who played a little minor league ball for the Wombats.
Pretty halfway decent shortstop.
Anyhow, he got her pregnant, this Mexican guy did,
so Cindy comes by the house one day and goes,
"Hey, Nelson, would you mind looking after the baby for a while?"
And I said, "Yeah, sure. No sweat."
(BABY CRYING)
And anyhow, that was six months ago
and I still got this kid of hers, so...
He don't have a name that I know of
so I just been calling him baby,
but, you know, he is a real, real good boy
and that' why I wanna name him Boyd,
after my own big brother, who is just a heck of a good guy himself.
So I am presenting Boyd Jr.
As a candidate for holy baptism.
(GUESTS APPLAUDING)
Except I figure I'm gonna call him BJ.
(LAUGHS)
Welcome to the family, BJ. (BABY CRYING)
Dear God, I look around this table and I see a family.
I know we're not perfect, Lord God,
even though some people think they are.
We've all got foibles, peccadillos, if you will.
I'm not gonna name names, Dave,
it's not the time nor the place.
Anyhow, I just wanna say thank you, Lord Jesus, Lamb of God,
for bringing us together here.
Now each one of us is going to say
something they're thankful for.
Donna, do it.
Oh. Uh...
I'm thankful little BJ's christening went okay.
But mostly, I'm thankful we're all here together.
That's a dream for me. Skol!
LUANN: Cheers! MITCH: Skol!
It's a prayer, Donna, not a toast. Come on. Shauna, you're up.
Oh...
I'm grateful that through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
I'm able to forgive all of you for all the pain you've caused me.
And thanks to me and Dave's marriage counselor,
we are back on the marriage train
and we are gonna ride it all the way into the station.
Right? Packers!
I got one.
I thank God that he gave me the ability to give it 110%
and take first at the WCEA under-14 regionals.
WCEA stands for Wisconsin Competitive Eating Association.
Rancer ate 27 Johnsonville Brats in five minutes.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's a lot of brats. Way to go, Rance.
I've never had that many.
That is, uh... That is really neat.
Well, let's give them a demo, Rancer. Come on, pound these back.
SHAUNA: Go, Rancer! Go, go, go, Rancer. Go, Rancer!
Go, Rancer! Go, go, go, Rancer. Go, Rancer!
ALL: Go! Go! Go! (ALL CHEERING)
Yeah.
Come on! All right and time!
Time! Time!
That's what I'm talking about! Come on!
Wow! That is really, really neat.
How many hot dogs can you eat, Dougie Doodle?
We're not allowed to eat hot dogs.
We're a macrobiotic household.
(SIGHS) For crying out loud, Boyd, what's this crap?
You're gonna turn your kids into a couple of beatniks.
Our kids are fine.
MITCH: I know they're fine.
I'm just saying you don't want your boy turning into a Sally, do you?
Don't tell me how to raise my kids.
Don't tell me what to do in my house.
Is your name on the mailbox? I didn't think so.
Oh, really? The mailbox line again, Dad?
Great, you sparked Nelson's PTSD.
DONNA: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
When things get tense, Nellie gets a little squirrely.
He has to go into a dark quiet space.
It's from the war.
What war, Mom?
He fell out of the back of a Humvee
during basic training and was discharged.
A head injury!
He got a head injury serving his country.
LUANN: Okay.
Mmm!
What?
Why are there shotgun pellets in my chicken?
Dad.
Because it's squirrel.
Honey, no. We're not leaving.
He fed me a rodent for Christmas dinner.
Well, you're the only one who ate squirrel.
Ours was really chicken.
You did say that you could handle anything
as long as the kids were having a good Christmas,
and the kids are having a great Christmas.
Think you can just flex those emotional muscles just a little bit?
Think of Douglas.
I want more dessert.
(IMITATES MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
And that's how you make $50 an hour.
Poobah? Yeah, Dougie?
I wanted to leave Santa a snack,
but Rance ate all the cookies in like 10 seconds,
and then he drank a whole gallon of milk.
Whoa.
So, I was wondering if you had anything else that I could give to Santa?
'Course I do, Bug.
I know something that Santa loves
a lot more than milk and cookies.
"Dear Santa, Poobah said you would enjoy this bourbon and asparagus.
"I hope you like it a lot.
"Love, your very good friend, Douglas Mitchler."
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow, that's pretty neat, Pam.
I know, I got over 75 hits so far.
Yeah, and you're averaging zero stars because you suck, turdbait.
Shut up, jackwipe.
What are you going to do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Hey, that's not very Christmas-y behavior. Let's gather up.
So, we have a tradition in our family
where we read The Night Before Christmas the night before Christmas.
Get it?
(SIGHS) This is mentally challenged.
Do you think this is a joke, Rance?
This isn't a joke. This is Christmas.
We're not two, Uncle Boyd. I mean, all this Santa crap is for babies.
Every dumbass knows there's no such thing...
Shut up! Shut your mouth.
Shut your big eating mouth right now. Shut it.
Santa will find me here, right, Dad?
Of course he will, Bug.
In fact, Santa just texted me to say
that he made you an amazing present,
but you're gonna have to wait until morning to see it.
Okay.
MITCH: Look at this pile of crap!
This country's so damn excessive, it makes me want to puke.
Oh, put a sock in it, Mitchler.
Well, they're all down.
Oh, that's super, honey.
Good job.
Where's Douglas's stuff?
Oh, God! It's buried in there somewhere.
Is...
Everything's out of the car?
I got the last of it out of there.
Well, none of it's here.
None of Douglas' presents are here.
No, that's impossible. You put them in the car this morning.
I didn't. You did.
No, you gave me the thumbs up.
Meaning you do it, and you nodded.
Wait. What are you two saying?
Boyd...
Not Boyd, Luann.
Boyd and I left all Douglas's stuff in Chicago.
Oh, jeez.
LUANN: It's gonna be fine.
We'll think of something. Right?
Oh, I have an idea. What's it called, Toys "R"...
Us. Us?
Dave, the mall closes at 6:00. All right. Just sit there and look pretty.
Okay, listen, Randy's CITGO over there
on Commercial. They're open 24 hours.
We go over there, pick him up,
maybe, one of them singing bass plaques and a mesh hat.
Hey, come on, he's seven.
Throw in a pack of grape Hi-Chews and a Powerball ticket. Boom!
It's done. What do you say? The kid's never gonna know the difference.
"Christmas... Yay!"
That's exactly what you would do. Nice parenting. Really nice.
Last time I checked,
it ain't exactly great parenting
ruining your kid's Christmas, primetime.
I should knock you on your ass. Oh, really?
Bring it, Sally, I'd love to see you try. Come on!
(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Yeah, you want some?
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Now if we're going to do this, we're going to need some ground rules.
I'm going. I'm driving back. It's not even 11:00.
That gives me eight hours until he's up. I'm going.
DONNA: Boyd, don't go.
You can't do it. It's too far.
He's not going anywhere, Donna. He's all show and no go.
Boyd.
Boyd, stop. You've had four hours of sleep. You're going to kill yourself.
Any day now,
Douglas is going to wake up and realize
the world is a mean, nasty place
where your hopes and dreams eventually get smashed to bits.
Until then, he needs this.
I'm sorry, who needs this?
If I can just make him believe for one more Christmas.
Yeah, but Christmas is not about stuff, Boyd.
Look, just wait. Okay, go tomorrow when you've had some sleep.
We'll say that we delayed Christmas a day. We'll make it fun.
I understand. Mitch ruined Christmas for you,
but you have proven a million times over,
you're not him. You're such a great dad. This is just crazy.
Hey, hey.
Look, you're running away from your father again.
You can't keep doing this.
Wait! Hon, I'm coming with you.
Let me just put up some coffee.
It's about an eight-hour round trip
which gets me back here at, what, 7:00-ish.
So just make sure the kids stay downstairs
until 7:30. This is doable, but I gotta go now.
Be careful, honey.
Merry Christmas.
(DINGING)
I made this ornament when I was a kid once, out of a pinecone.
It had the googly eyes on it and the white cotton deals.
You know what I'm talking about?
Shut the hell up, you degenerate. Pervert.
He's not a pervert.
Guy who exposes himself to a bus load
of old folks on their way to Oneida bingo.
What the hell should I call him, if not "pervert"?
Frigging pillar of the community?
I have explained this situation to you a hundred times.
In Dave's defense, he was drunk.
DAVE: Very.
And in his second defense, someone double-dog-dared him to do it.
So... DONNA: Okay.
Who wants to look at some slides?
Or, I know, how about a game of cribbage?
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I got that.
Hello?
Is it him? Is he okay? What happened?
He's fine, but...
Oh, crud.
Damn it.
MITCH: Lookie here. BMW.
Short for "Bavarian Money Waster."
Looks like the Scheisse hit the fan here.
I'm gonna hitchhike. Really?
It's Christmas Eve, no one's gonna pick you up. Come on, let's go.
I'm not giving up. You go ahead and go home. I don't need you.
Yeah, but Douglas does.
So come on, get in the truck, Gladys.
We got Christmas to save.
(ENGINE STARTING)
(CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING ALONG)
MITCH: Logically, it don't add up, Boyd.
You know, you got a guy tooting around
the whole goddamn planet in one night.
That sleigh'd have to be going 25,000,
30,000 miles per hour. Minimum.
If we had that type of technology, shit,
we'd be blowing the tits off the frigging Viet Cong.
It's all a sham.
Easter Bunny, sham.
Valentine's Day, sham.
Tooth fairy, what the heck's up with that son of a beehiver?
You know what he is, right?
Sham? Damn right.
What kind of creep goes sneaking into a kid's room,
putting chump change under a pillow?
What the hell does he need all those teeth for? Pervert.
The whole world is full of lies, Boyd.
The only road to happiness is to realize there's no road to happiness.
All right, I'm going to bed. You finish it up on your own.
(HORN HONKING)
Lighten up on the frigging horn! Yeah, eat me!
Prick.
First of all...
(MUSIC STOPS)
And second, I have asthma, Dad. Asthma.
And it is not "all in my head" as you have
so astutely hypothesized in the past.
It's an actual medical condition that could actually kill me.
So, please, put out the damn cigar.
What the hell's that all about?
You on the frigging rag? Come on. (LAUGHS)
Come on, lighten up, Boyd. We got all night ahead of us.
Let's have a little fun here.
I bet they're having a ball.
Yeah, maybe.
It does make me feel better that Mitch went with him.
Them two hate each other's guts, I thought.
Okay. Cut it out, you guys. We're a family and it's Christmas, jeez.
You know, Mom, I, uh...
I don't wanna make you feel bad with what I'm about to say,
being that it's Christmas and all,
but a lot of this is your fault.
Dave and my's marriage counselor says that
a lot of my self-esteem problems come from the fact that
you never confronted Dad about his drinking.
So it's why I seek approval from people
who treat me like wet dog crap.
Who needs anything?
We've got leftovers, we've got hotdish. Beer?
Reeb me. That's "beer" spelled backwards, honey.
Vera?
Yeah, Bug?
Was Rance about to say that there's no such thing as Santa?
Rance is a certified moron, Douglas.
So whatever he was about to say
would have been certified moronic.
Of course there's a Santa.
Promise?
I promise.
When you see your presents under the tree in the morning,
you'll believe again. You will.
Now lie down.
Okay.
Wow.
Fifty-three degrees. So much for a white Christmas.
Who needs one?
Yesterday, I was golfing at Winagamie in my shirt sleeves.
Kicked Bill Gorski's ass, the fat Pollock.
I said, "If this is global warming, I'll take it."
"Pollock"? Nice, Dad.
Technically, he's a bullhonk. I got more if you need them.
(BELLS CHIMING)
Hi. Uh, where's the...
Just past the chief.
(DOOR CLOSING) (TOILET FLUSHING)
MAN: I can guess your nationality without even seeing you.
European!
You get it? You're-a-peeing.
Ha! Yeah, got it.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hey, you got any bourbon? Just a...
I wish I did. Sorry.
That's okay. That's okay.
So, you having yourself a merry little Christmas?
Mmm, yeah.
I wouldn't say that exactly.
Well, nobody said it was easy, now did they?
I mean, take my journey here tonight.
I mean, logic-wise, that whole deal
doesn't really add up, does it?
I mean, my sleigh'd have to be doing what, 25,000, 30,000 miles an hour?
Minimum?
But I always make it somehow. I always do, you know.
I mean, it's not always easy, like I say, but miracles never are.
They're tricky little things, miracles.
Sometimes they're looking at you right in the face.
They're right in front of you, staring at you in the mirror
and you didn't even see them. It's crazy.
Um...
Have a merry Christmas, Santa.
I always do, buddy.
Always do.
(DOOR OPENING)
Have fun in there. I'll name it after you.
Hi, can I get a couple of coffees?
That's your old man? Virgil Mitchler?
Old Mitch, huh? Yeah, I'm Boyd.
You're Boyd! Yeah, you're the smart one.
You got a full ride at the UW.
And now you're a stockbroker, is it? Down in Chi-Town?
I manage a hedge fund.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
But your dad tells me you make a truckload of money.
I don't know about that. I work too much.
Well, anyhow.
Nice to have a face with a name.
Your pop, that greasy old son of a burger,
he's in here pretty near once a week
and I get an earful about your family.
Uh-oh.
No, Mitch talks a blue streak about how good you're doing.
Must be nice for y'all to have Christmas together and that?
Uh... It is.
What do I owe you?
No, come on.
Merry Christmas, Boyd.
Merry Christmas.
You know, if you put a BC Headache Powder in a Mountain Dew,
you got a pretty good drink.
(LAUGHING)
Not anymore.
MITCH: Take care. Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas. All right.
Good night. Mountain Dew.
You know how to drive a manual, tranny?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You don't remember the day you taught me how to drive a stick?
Should I?
October 26, 1983, you may recall, was my 12th birthday.
You may also recall that you were
too hammered to drive home from my party.
So I drove home.
That right?
Well, I must have been doing something right 'cause you still remember how.
Yes, it is one of life's greatest indignities that
you never won the Father of the Year award.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Hey, careful!
Can't you take a joke, Sally?
MITCH: Now you're pissing me off. Just put it in gear.
BOYD: Am I pissing... Maybe you need to piss on the radiator. Huh?
Whoa. What was that?
DAVE: Tit.
(BABY COOING)
Want me to go peek in on BJ?
No, I'll do it, Shauna.
Wait a second. Where's Nelson?
The last time I saw him he was going ape crap
'cause Mitch and Boyd were scrapping.
SHAUNA: That was two hours ago.
Oh, shoot. Nelson!
(WHISPERING) Nelson.
(COOING)
Nelson.
Nelson, baby. Come on.
Nelson.
Where are you?
Oh...
He's not where he usually goes.
Whenever he gets panicked, he just falls asleep in the craziest places.
I found him all balled up in the middle of the road a couple...
Oh, my God.
Nelson! Where are you, baby?
Wake up, Nelson.
LUANN: Nelson.
DONNA: Nelson. Where are you, Nelson? Wake up.
Donna, be careful.
Nelson. Nelson.
Oh, dear Lord Jesus.
(MEN SINGING DRUNKENLY)
No, you're not going to stick that. Yeah.
I'm a little high.
(SINGING)
No! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Yeah, you just hit something.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
VERA: Good night.
Come on, put your hands down and let's do this.
I love you... I love you very much.
Let's go. Come on. See?
Mom, has Santa come yet?
LUANN: No, honey, not yet.
It's still early. Santa's got a long night ahead of him.
Can Dad tuck me in?
Who? Dad?
No, because Dad and Poobah
are getting massages.
Oh.
Okay. Good night, Mom.
Okay, good night.
Good night, honey.
Merry Christmas.
(DOOR CLOSING)
RANCE: So, who else isn't tired?
Oh, I forgot to ask you. Did Santa Claus accost you in the bathroom?
Excuse me?
You know, the grubby old guy in the Santa suit in the truck stop bathroom?
I didn't see anybody when I went in the bathroom.
Santa's coming home soon. (CHUCKLING)
Gonna bring you lots of gifts.
(RADAR BEEPING)
(SIREN BLARING)
Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh...
Forgot to tell you the speedometer's off by about 10 miles an hour.
BOYD: Oh, it's good to know that now.
Well, I'll be.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Mitchler. Again! (LAUGHING)
What brings you gents out so late?
Well, numbnuts here forgot his kid's presents in Chi-Town.
"Numbnuts." That's funny. Haven't heard that one in quite some time.
(LAUGHING)
My foster mom, she, uh...
I see you guys are in the portable john business.
Indeed we are, sir.
Mitch Mitchler, North-Central Wisconsin King of the Crappers.
For 25 years, Mitchler Handi-Crappers have been supplying
luxury johns for all your business needs.
I always say, "If you gotta go, go in style."
I like that a lot.
Riddle me this, do you guys do family reunions? My cousin...
We're actually in a really big hurry, Trooper Zblocki, so...
I could tell, Mr. Mitchler.
Caught old numbnuts here doing 91. (LAUGHING)
I'll be back with your citation, stat.
(LAUGHING) Numbnuts.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Funny little elf.
Well, it was a good one.
I think fast.
Well, Mr. Mitchler, I did clock you doing 91.
Yipes, it's like, "Arriba! Arriba! Ándale! Ándale!"
Bart Simpson.
(LAUGHS)
But it's Christmas. So, you know what?
I got candy canes for you three guys.
"Three"?
BOTH: Nelson?
Jeez.
Must have fell asleep in here.
Who's that guy?
A child is the most important thing a mother has, Nelson.
Jeez. I'm sorry I had you worried, Ma.
If anything had happened to you. Oh, jeez.
Ma, could you put little BJ on the phone? I wanna tell him I'm okay.
He's sleeping in his crib, hon.
Plus he's not even a year.
Well, maybe just go in there and tell him I love him
and, uh...
...maybe sing him that pretty little song he likes.
Hot tortillas Crisp tostadas
Best in Mexico
Enchiladas, empanadas
How I love them so
It is a miracle that you got pulled over, Boyd.
'Cause I could have frozen to death back there. Or worse.
It's not cold enough to freeze to death.
Okay, real quick, what could possibly be worse than
freezing to death in a portable toilet, Nelson?
HIV/AIDS. Lou Gehrig's disease. Cancer. Spina bifida...
Okay, all good ones.
I can think of one worse.
A guy getting his gonads lopped off by his wife
because he forgot his kid's Christmas presents.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(RANCE EXCLAIMS)
I'm not supposed to play video games,
but you're really awesome at them, Rance.
Yeah, I know.
We should totally put your picture on Craigslist, Vera.
Your judgment is really questionable, Pam.
(RANCE GRUNTS)
Every time!
Mmm. You gonna stay up with us, Dave?
Well, no, I get hungry at night,
so I like to make myself a meal
so I have something to eat between sleep and breakfast.
I call it "breep."
I got it.
It's an anagram I came up with, much like "brunch" or "NASA."
It's a way for me to remember what I like.
Hon, let's go hit the sack.
Good night. Good night.
Night. Good night.
(GASPS) Oh, Daver. Look.
Ooh. (CHUCKLING)
You are too good for me.
(CHUCKLING)
(DAVE AND SAUNA MOANING)
(SHAUNA SCREAMS PLAYFULLY)
Come on.
You know, maybe I will try one of those beer-tomato juice thingies.
Well, now you're talking! One red beer coming right up.
MITCH: Holy cripes.
It's a castle.
You really are doing all right, Boyd.
BOYD: You've never seen this house before?
MITCH: No, your mom has.
Last time I was here, you had that apartment by the lake.
That's going on seven years.
What's this you got on the walls here?
Is that brick?
Yeah, it's a brick house.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Boy, that is something.
Yeah.
Son of a bitch!
I left my damn keys in my damn car!
Hey, Hamburglar. Would this help?
(WHISTLES)
The presents are in the mud room, so...
Hey, hey, Boyd? I gotta take a squirt. You guys have a bathroom or...
Yeah, it's upstairs.
Okay.
Make yourself at home, Dad.
Yeah.
Dad?
Nelson?
What's going on?
(CONFUSED MUMBLING)
What are you doing in my house?
I am Farhad.
(SPEAKING FARSI)
Who are these people?
Mrs. Mitchler is say
my family to sit in the house.
To feed dog.
Dale, the dog.
To sit in the house.
House sitting is different than sitting in my house!
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Oops.
Here. It's Boyd.
Ah.
Hi. Is everything okay?
BOYD: Define "okay."
Farhad is here.
Yeah, I gave him the key so he could feed Dale. You knew that.
No, but his whole family is here.
It's like Goldilocks and the 30 Iranians.
(CHUCKLES) Boyd, they're from Afghanistan.
I don't care where they're from.
I care why they're here in my house.
Ooh. Maybe there was confusion over the translation of "house sit."
You know, they're an amazing family.
They've only been in the country two months,
so like, whatever, let them have a nice Christmas.
You're not saving the world.
What do you think you are? You think you're Bono?
I have a law degree. I'm a teacher.
You're supposed to be teaching refugees English,
and based upon my conversation with this guy,
it's not exactly working out, is it?
If anyone's to blame, it's you for being an ass sponge.
I'm the ass sponge?
Yes, you are the ass sponge, ass sponge.
I'm not having this conversation.
I am not having this conversation.
Fine.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Oh, my God.
He acts like the sweetest, "Nothing bothers me" guy,
but the slightest little pressure turns him into a total...
Ass sponge?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
He sounds just like his father.
You know, in case those guys don't make it back in time somehow,
maybe we ought to have something else for Douglas.
Like what?
Maybe we ought to go up to the attic
and wrap some old toys and that.
Just in case.
Yeah, okay. Fine.
Donna, do you have something else
that maybe doesn't taste like this?
Vodka?
RANCE: Hey, Dougl-ass.
You wanna do something really cool?
Yes!
Sweet.
You know, I wasn't a competitive eater till I was, like, nine.
If I would've started at seven, who knows
how much more fricking awesome I'd be!
Let's see how fast you can take these bad boys down.
A whole jar of pickles?
Do it.
Please don't, Douglas, it's stupid. You'll be sick for Santa.
Do you want to be cool or retarded?
Man or mouse, Douglas? Come on, Douglas!
Go, Douglas. Go, go, go, Douglas.
Come on! Come on! Yes! Eat pickles!
Go, go, go, Douglas.
Yes! Oh, my God, look at him go!
Yes! Come on! Keep it up, man. Let's go!
PAM: Go! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
Let's go, Douglas. Take it down, Douglas!
Eat! Eat!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Douglas, stop!
These pickles were canned during the Nixon administration.
You're gonna die.
I can't feel my legs.
What the hell?
He erased me.
Ain't that a kick in the pants?
(SCOFFS)
Presents. Gifts.
Ho, ho, ho?
Gift? Gift? Yes, yes.
Thank you.
ALL: Thank you. No, Farhad.
Those are Douglas's gifts!
My son, Douglas.
No Farhad's son.
No, my son's gifts.
Girls! Those are my power tools!
That's Boyd's power drill and that is very...
(ALL CRY OUT) Jeez!
Hey, Boyd. These your roommates?
Hey, Boyd, you got a nail sticking out of your hand there.
(SPEAKING DARI)
Oh, we've been learning Dari, which is
kind of like Farsi, over at basic,
because my reserve unit was gonna be going over by Afghanistan...
(YELPS) Oh!
...and I fell off of that Humvee
and I got just a touch of brain damage,
but the part that remembers Dari is just fine.
So, can you tell him that his family can stay?
I just need Douglas' gifts.
Well, I can sure as shoot try.
Let's see.
(SPEAKING DARI)
(ALL SCREAMING)
FARHAD: No, no, no! Please! Please, no! Please!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's okay.
You can keep everything. The only thing I want
is that.
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, it's 3:45, so we have less than four hours
if we're going to be back before the kids get up.
So I need you to motivate.
(CHUCKLES)
You don't need me. You never did.
VERA: It's all going to be okay, Bug.
Just be still. DOUGLAS: Whoo-hoo! Boing!
VERA: It's okay, Bug.
Boing! Hello, Rance!
They told me there'd always be people like you.
I don't know. I've never seen anybody get this way from pickles.
Expired food can cause hallucinations, Rance.
Everyone knows that, you dummy.
It's going to be okay, Bug. Just lie down.
LUANN: (GASPS) Mmm. Cheese.
How about this for Douglas?
Bridge? Like, the card game? For kids?
I don't know. It seems like a horrible idea.
Boyd loved Bridge for Juniors. It was his favorite game.
He did? Okay. Bag it and tag it, I guess.
That was Mitch's drink of choice. Vodka and cranberry juice.
It must have been so hard.
I don't know.
I left a couple times when it got too hard, took the kids to my folks.
Then when his bender was finished,
he'd call bellyaching,
"Come back, come back. I'll change. I'll change..." You know.
He was always
a very attentive lover, though.
If you know what I mean.
(LAUGHING) I do. Yes. Wow.
Boyd and I haven't had sex for six months.
Oh, wow.
That is bad for you.
It's so bad. It's just, you know, he works all the time,
or we're tired or the kids are around and, you know, it just...
Then he has this whole thing about how
everything has to be so perfect.
And it can't be. It's not. It's not perfect.
Do you want me to talk to him for you?
No, that's okay. Thank you.
(CHUCKLING) I think that would feel a little inappropriate.
(LAUGHING) Yep.
What?
NELSON: Patches, I'm depending on you, son
To pull the family through
My son, it' all left up to you
(NELSON VOCALIZES)
Two days later, Papa passed away
And I became a man that day
I told Mama I'm gonna quit school
But she said that that was Daddy' strictest rule
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
I packed my grandmother's trunk and in it, I put an apple.
Nice.
God, we used to play that when we'd drive to Nana's cottage up north.
Do you remember? Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
I packed my grandmother's trunk and in it, I put
an apple and a bagpipe.
Nice one. Okay, Dad, you're up.
Dad, it's your turn.
Come on, Dad, it's been a crap day,
but everything that possibly could go wrong already has.
What, you on the rag, Sally?
I packed my grandma's trunk
and in it, I put an apple, a bagpipe,
and a kid who's so ashamed of his old man,
he cut him out of a family photo.
Okay, so you're spelling "kid" with a "C" then. Fair enough.
I don't know what to say, Dad.
Fine.
As long as we're being honest with each other,
yes, I was embarrassed of you in that photograph.
You were wearing that filthy Handi-Crapper T-shirt for a family portrait.
I mean, come on.
What, you're suddenly sensitive?
Besides, it's not like you were ever proud of me.
I always supported you, whatever it was you wanted to do. Always.
Are you high?
What is that?
Oh, my gosh.
(LAUGHS)
(CACKLING)
Is that...
Bea Arthur, it sure is.
Why?
Boyd went through a phase where he really got into Bea Arthur.
(STAMMERING) Like sexually or...
No. It started with Golden Girls.
Wait, he liked bridge and Golden Girls?
What did you raise, a 75-year-old woman?
Look, there's a whole series.
You know how what's -his-futz just painted blue stuff?
Well, Boyd only painted Bea Arthur.
(LAUGHING) This is so stupid.
My Boyd who played football and basketball
and is a type-A hedge fund manager? No! No!
He was really arty-farty when he was a little shaver.
Well, Mitch must have loved that.
Mitch used to tease Boyd all the time. I felt terrible about it.
He drilled legs into the frame of this one.
He turned it into a card table.
He used to play euchre on it with his drinking buddies.
Look. There's the rings from the glasses on the canvas there.
And I think Bill Gorski puked on it here.
That is so mean. Isn't that so mean?
Look it, that is so mean.
He was just a little artist, creating his art and that...
I mean, that just makes me very sad. Isn't that so sad?
Boyd never really painted much after that.
Mitch is a bastard,
and I have been trying to get those guys to reconcile,
but you don't understand how much Boyd hates his job.
He hates it so much,
and all he wanted to do is be a sweet little
Bea Arthur painter or something.
I just... I feel like I could puke.
It blows my mind you have the capacity to feel sorry for yourself.
Oh, what a jackass.
If I loused up so bad, how come you have such a nice life,
nice house, nice wife, nice job?
I hate my job,
and I haven't had sex with my wife in six months.
And you're blaming that on me? Jiminy Crickets!
Jeez. Come on, guys!
I'm sorry I didn't snuggle or cuddle you enough!
I'm sorry I'm not perfect!
Perfect?
My entire approach to parenting
is based on what I call the WWMD principle.
"What would Mitch do?"
I ask myself that question and then I do the exact opposite!
Come on, Boyd, you know I get jittery 'cause of the war.
You didn't go to war!
He's still a hero! He's still a hero!
(SIREN BLARING)
Son of a bitch! No, no, no, no, no!
(REVVING)
Boyd, slow down! What are you doing?
Not sure if you can see me back here, Mr. Mitchler.
It' Trooper Zblocki from before.
See that? Did you see it?
Come on, Boyd, you're gonna get us killed.
Pull over, Boyd! I can't take it anymore.
My whole life, I've never been your kind of man.
A man's man, a real man.
Well, let's see who the real man is now. Hold on!
(HORN HONKING)
(MITCH AND NELSON SCREAMING)
Come on, Boyd!
Shut up, Sally. You sound like a little bitch!
(SIREN STOPS)
Yeah! Suck on that, Zblocki! Suck on that! Eat it, you little bitch!
Yes! Yes!
DISPATCH: (ON RADIO) Yeah, go ahead, 71.
Uh... Yeah, um, I'm out at...
By... Mr. Mitchler, he...
Seventy-one, everything okay?
F this.
Just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas, Don.
I'm calling her a night. Gonna head home to the fam.
Roger that.
Oh, God, that felt good. (CHUCKLES)
You're not this guy, Boyd.
You're not some idiot who'd run away from a cop like that.
Hell, that's the kind of asshole stunt that I'd pull.
You got the asshole part right.
Suppose maybe you're right about that.
This has been a weird night.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to both of you,
but mainly you, Boyd.
I'm sorry.
I suppose I might have said it sooner
if I hadn't been so hammered for most of the last 30 years.
But, you know, there it is. I said it.
We ain't gotta make a meal out of it.
You're a good man.
And I'm not.
And I'm so sorry.
(MITCH SNIFFLING)
I'm sorry.
(CRASHING)
What the hell was that?
Jeez. You hit somebody.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
NELSON: I'm telling you, Boyd. That was a person.
Nelson, it wasn't a person. It can't have been a person.
What would a person be doing in the middle of the road...
Maybe it was a deer. Yeah, it was a deer.
It wasn't a deer.
Yes, of course it was a...
Oh, no.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are we going to do?
Okay, okay, okay, Boyd. Just calm down.
Calm? Calm? I just killed a man.
This is not the time to be calm!
We just gotta call the cops.
No, we're not going to call the cops. I just outran the cops.
The last thing we need are the cops.
Boyd's right, no cops.
My life is over. No, it isn't!
I'm gonna go to prison. I'm gonna go to prison.
Boyd, just glass-half-fulling it for a sec here, okay?
Prison these days is not half bad.
So, listen! I will take the heat!
I mean, come on now, it's the least I can do,
you know, being shit-faced and emotionally
abusive most of your childhood.
No, Dad. No. No, no, no, no.
Boyd. Boyd. Boyd.
There's other ways out of this.
How?
This guy, we're not exactly talking
doctor, lawyer, Indian chief here, right?
He's off the grid, so if he disappeared...
I got this friend, Mike Marquart.
You know, we play cribbage and he owes me.
And he's got a warehouse down by Campbellsport full of HCL.
What? HC-what now?
Hydrochloric acid.
And so?
You know, I'm not saying that...
Not that he doesn't have value in God's eyes,
I'm just saying that we soak this guy
in a vat of HCL for a couple of hours,
this son of a bitch will just fizzle away.
Wait a minute. You, we're not really thinking about...
He's right, Dad. Nelson's right.
We don't have time to go to Campbellsport.
You're right. It's too far. What was I thinking?
Dad, do you have a shovel?
What? Does Flipper pee in the sea?
No, no, no. Oh, guys...
Do you have a better idea? Do you? Because I'd love to hear it.
No, but have you ever dug a foxhole before, Boyd?
Because I have, and it takes a super long time.
He's right. Nelson's right.
We could burn him? You know, like a fire.
Burning could work. Burning is good. It's good, Nel...
What's going on, Dad?
We're gonna burn him, it's a hell of a lot easier if we parcel him out.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
(REVVING)
(MUMBLING)
You got any bourbon?
MAN: Hey, Doug. Dougie Doodle.
Who said that?
Bingo. You can talk?
You're seeing my lips move, ain't you?
Well, then that would constitute talking, wouldn't it?
Is this a dream?
(IN WHINEY VOICE) "Is this a dream?"
Maybe, maybe it's a dream.
Or maybe I'm your subconscious,
secretly trying to unearth truth for you
in the form of a waking hallucination.
Listen, Doug, let me get to the gristle of why I woke you up here.
It breaks my heart to tell you this,
but Santa ain't gonna find you.
Not here, not anywhere.
Why not?
Because he doesn't exist.
Yeah, all right. Don't take it so hard, buddy.
(SIGHING) Yeah, as you get older, you'll learn
there are much worse things you can be told
than some fat guy in a red suit doesn't exist.
All right, Doug. Sleep tight, kid.
And, oh, um... And Merry Christmas!
(STEAM HISSING)
Radiator's shot.
Who you calling there, Boyd? Luann.
Let her know we're not going to make it.
"Not gonna make it"?
Hold on a sec, Boyd.
Now, look, I know that we have been through a lot.
With me getting stuck in the john,
and you getting pegged with a nail gun by some kid,
and running from that cop,
and trying to figure out different ways to dismember a transient,
but it's Christmas,
and if we quit now, it's like the baby Jesus
died up on that cross for nothing.
I think that's Easter, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right.
My point is,
you know, I suppose I don't know much about being a father yet,
since BJ's only been around a couple months,
and he's technically some Mexican's on top of that,
but you know what I've seen you do today, Boyd,
going to the ends of the earth for your son like that, jeez,
that's what being a father's all about.
And I just don't think you should quit now. There's still time.
Hey, I'm really sorry we almost killed you back there.
I don't suppose you have a vehicle we could borrow?
'Cause we're about 10 miles from where we're supposed to be here, and, um...
I don't know how else to put this, except
we're hoping for a frigging Christmas miracle.
(LUANN SINGING)
(ELECTRONIC DRUM BEAT)
(IMPROVISED SINGING)
(BEATBOXING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Oh, shoot! Luann, are you okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Yeah.
Come on, you guys. Wake up.
Let's go up and see if Santa came.
(GROANS)
NELSON: Whoa!
They're breathing. Come on.
Come on, move, move.
See, I told you Santa's real.
Now, let's go find your stuff.
(ALL GRUNTING)
MITCH: Pull up there! There!
What do you think you got, Bug?
I don't think I got anything.
I can't thank you enough.
Merry Christmas. It's been a flight.
MITCH: Where are you going? They're up.
Well, yeah...
He's up. All the kids have their presents.
So what? Go in there and give him the big one.
Then he'll know there's no Santa, Dad.
(EXHALE SHARPLY)
Maybe Santa took your presents to the wrong house or...
No. There is no Santa.
Look, Poobah said he loved bourbon.
(THUDDING) (BELLS CHIMING)
(PAM GASPS)
(WHIMPERING)
Merry Christmas.
(BOTTLE UNCORKING)
(SLURPING)
Douglas.
(THUDDING) VERA: Oh!
No, Douglas, don't!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You must be Douglas.
Are you Santa?
Oh, yes, indeed. Yes, I am.
Why'd you drink all that bourbon, Santa? Won't it make you drunk?
Well, Douglas, bourbon gives Santa the energy
that he needs to keep his appointed rounds.
And asparagus. Poobah told me that.
Yup. Asparagus, too. Smart fella.
Oh, my goodness!
I almost forgot your present. Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Douglas.
Thank you, Santa. I believe.
And I hope you always do.
Santa! Don't you want your asparagus?
That's okay, Douglas. You keep them.
Asparagus makes my urine smell funny.
Merry Christmas.
I think it was a big success.
On second thought, this may have not been such a hot idea.
(ENGINE STARTING)
No matter how this pans out, you tried your best.
Bottom line, you're one hell of a good dad, Boyd.
Thanks, Dad.
(DOOR OPENING)
Merry Christmas, Bug.
Dad, why did your massage take so long?
Let me help you.
DAVE: Nice wrap job there. What is it?
LUANN: What is it?
I built it. The whole thing. I even soldered the runners myself.
It's really something. Really something.
Wow! It's pretty cool, huh?
Neat, but no snow. Let's see what else there is.
Hey, Bug. Look, I found this outside for you. Santa must've dropped it.
Bridge for Juniors! I've always wanted to learn how to play bridge.
Whoo-hoo! All right! Deedle, look at what I got!
DONNA: Oh, that's so cool.
I'm sorry. I'm drunk.
I remain sorry.
But I accept your apology.
For cripes' sake, Boyd, get a goddamn room if you're gonna be doing that.
Dave's the designated pervert in this family.
He's not a pervert!
Pardon- moi!
Nice throw, Queera. Try not to suck this time.
DAVE: Hey! Hey!
SHAUNA: Rancer. Your father's right.
You think I would have known better.
Oh, I suppose.
But if we always learned from our mistakes,
nobody'd ever spend Christmas with their family.
(CHUCKLES) Whoo-hoo.
What the hell good is getting a sled
in this day in age of global warming?
Should've got the kid a boat.
Shut up, Dad.
Dad, can we go inside and play some bridge now?
Look, Dad, it's snowing.
You're right, Bug.
It's probably ash.
(SINGING IN HARMONY)
That's why you got to commit to a song.
Okay.
That's why we don't get first place.