Vegas Vacation
MAN [ON RADIO]: 4:22 on a sunny Thursday afternoon here...
in Chicago, on K-LITE.
Now, here's one for all you rush-hour rockers.
The Beach Boys with "Good Vibrations."
[CLARK SINGING "GOOD VIBRATIONS" BY THE BEACH BOYS]
[LAUGHING]
BOY: Hey, Mr. Griswold.
Vegas, V9988, Vegas!
Rusty, Audrey, Ellen?
Honey? I'm home.
[MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, honey.
- Smells good. - Oh, well... Don't, don't, don't!
Kids, come on in here. Gather around.
- I wanna show you something. - Is it my new car?
Keep dreaming, son.
Here. Eat these.
- They're chocolate chip. - They're delicious.
They're four years old.
[RUSTY SPITTING AND COUGHING]
Anyone for milk?
Eight years old.
It's my long-life food preservative. It's finally been approved.
I got my big bonus.
- Yeah, Dad. - AUDREY: Congratulations, Daddy.
CLARK: Isn't it great?
And that's not all.
Mr. Shirley thinks a guy like Clark Griswold deserves a few days off.
A guy like Clark Griswold thinks he should take those days off...
and take his family on a fabulous vacation to say...
fantastic Las Vegas.
[LAUGHS]
Dad, Las Vegas? There's nothing to do there.
Clark, I don't think that Las Vegas is the kind of place you take a family.
Oh, come on.
Las Vegas has changed, Ellen.
It's the number one family destination in America.
AUDREY: Dad, I'm not going. The people there are so phony.
Isn't there legalized prostitution?
Not within the city limits, Russ.
I'll tell you what there is.
There's first-class entertainment, beautiful scenery...
and all the shrimp cocktail you can eat.
Listen, everybody. Who knows how many more chances we'll get...
to do something together as a family?
I mean, Ellen, you and I are always working.
And you guys are growing up so fast, I hardly recognize you anymore.
Okay. There's one more reason why you should all go.
I'm gonna remarry your morn.
If she'll have me.
Really, Sparky?
CLARK: What do you say, Russ? My 20th anniversary.
I could use a best man.
Have anybody in mind for a bridesmaid?
- How about Audrey? - Audrey who?
- Dad. - What do you say? Let's do it.
I think this is gonna be the greatest vacation ever.
You know you look really beautiful right now?
Oh, no.
You know, honey?
The guys at work tell me there's this special club we can join...
if we meet in the bathroom.
Clark, are you serious?
Come on. You love me, don't you?
I do, but here?
Now?
Well, we've been married 20 years.
How do we do it?
You go first. I'll be right behind you.
Are you okay? You look all red.
Yeah. Just have to go to the restroom.
[SIGHS]
Excuse me.
Where you going, P0P?
Oh, your mother's got something caught in her eye.
Just gonna... I'm gonna help her get it out.
Ellen?
ELLEN: Ow.
Look, maybe we should join...
- I don't know if this will work... - Some other kind of club.
CLARK: I just want some time with you.
- I just think there's... - This is gonna be such a great vacation.
- A better time to... - This is gonna be our best one.
[BELL CHIMES]
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: The flight captain has...
ELLEN: Foot. Foot. Foot.
- My foot. My foot. - I got it. I got it. I got it.
I'll never fly again.
I thought the pilot was very helpful.
See the way the plane applauded?
You know, if you two wanna use the bathrooms here, we'll wait.
RUSTY: Hey, is this for us?
ELLEN: Clark. A limo?
We're the Griswolds.
Sorry, my pen burst in the altitude, you know?
CHAUFFEUR: I'm sorry, sir. Come. Please. Come this way. Please.
CLARK: This is it. This is it.
Would you look at this.
[MOUTHING WORDS] Wayne Newton.
Wow, it's beautiful.
Audrey, come here. You gotta see this.
Daddy.
[COUGHING]
Help. Daddy, I'm stuck.
Daddy.
- Vegas. Vegas. Vegas. - AUDREY: Daddy!
[HORN HONKING AND PEOPLE CHEERING]
[GASPING]
CLARK: Look, everybody. I think you should see this.
AUDREY: Daddy. Daddy.
Audrey?
Is this it?
- Welcome to the fabulous Mirage. - Thank you.
Oh, don't worry, Audrey. It won't leave a permanent line.
Come on, come on, come on! There's a lot to do.
There's a lot to do.
Welcome to the Mirage. Your credit card?
Yes, indeedy. Clark W. Griswold. Four.
We have excellent dry-cleaning service...
- if you're so inclined. - Oh, it's just a birthmark.
Now, in order to get to your rooms, go this way through the casino.
Veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree.
You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps. Blackjack.
Take another right and then wind around left.
If you get to the pool, you've gone too far. Back up.
You'll see a bank of elevators. They aren't yours. Stay away from them.
Keep walking. You'll see another bank of elevators. The gold ones.
Go to the tenth floor. Go right at the end of the hallway.
You'll find your room.
Any questions?
No. Not really.
- Russ. - Yeah, Dad?
Oh, there you are. Did you get that?
Well, let's go then. Thanks.
Good luck.
What's this?
Look at these people.
Blinded by glitter and the almighty dollar.
[CHEERING]
Clark, the elevators are there.
Hold on, honey.
They always put the machines that pay off the most right in front.
- Five dollars, Clark? - Five dollars. Here we go.
You see? Las Vegas is already bringing us closer together.
Let's go to the room.
Honey, call up the kids.
See how they like this.
Rusty and Audrey Griswold, please.
[PHONE RINGING]
Mom, we're next door. Can't we get our own rooms?
Honey, please don't spoil your daddy's fun.
Dad, we're too old for this.
(Hey, hey, he)'-
Come on.
Sit down.
Kids, remember when you were babies?
No.
It was a wonderful time.
We had your cribs right in our bedroom.
Then we'd wrap you up in those little baby blankets...
and roll you back and forth across the bed into each other.
Those days are... Well, they're almost over.
So to close out that wonderful chapter in our lives...
I got us four tickets to Siegfried and Roy.
Number one show on the planet.
"Masters of the lmpossible."
Yeah. And we're all going.
Because we're the Griswolds.
Can't you just wrap me up in a blanket and roll me across the bed again?
No, Russ. Get dressed.
Hey. Wanna try our hand at a little blackjack?
ELLEN: What do you know about blackjack, Clark?
Honey, did you forget I was in the Army?
You weren't in the Army, Clark.
Well, not in the Army, but I have played cards with men in uniform.
Just don't want you to lose all your money. That's all.
CLARK: When a man can come to Las Vegas with a few extra bucks in his pocket...
maybe throw a ten-spot down on a table...
pay an extra dollar for a steak with his eggs...
that's a happy day for that man.
And when his woman is at his side...
Ellen?
Is that Wayne Newton?
I suppose it is. Why? Want his autograph?
I think he's staring at me.
No. No, I... I must be tired. Maybe I'll go find the kids.
No. I think they want a little time away from mama and papa bear.
Let's let them get into some trouble.
- AUDREY: Rusty. - Audrey, I'm asking for five bucks.
What'll you do if you win? Run away?
You're the most boring person to travel with.
Fine. You want five bucks? Here. Here, big man.
- Here's five bucks. - Thank you.
- Get a wallet. - Jeez.
- Hi. - MAN: Good evening.
Would the two of you have any ID?
Well, you see, we left our IDs upstairs, actually.
See, we're on our honeymoon, but if you wait here for two minutes...
I'll can run upstairs and get the ID. I'll be right back. Okay?
My friend, $200 in chips, please?
Good evening. Changing 200.
You know blackjack is the only game where a smart player...
has a mathematical advantage over the house?
Are you a professional?
Me? No. Not really.
Are you?
- MARTY: Place your bet, sir. - Yes, the bet.
Okay. What the hell.
- Hit me. - EDDIE: It's a bust.
Las Vegas Fun Police. Hand over your chips.
- Eddie? - Twenty-two. Player busts.
[EDDIE LAUGHING]
Oh, man. It is a blazer out there.
You're lucky you got air conditioning in here like Mother Nature intended.
Clark Griswold, did you think you were gonna get to Las Vegas...
- and not see your favorite cousin, huh? - Your bet.
There you go. What are you doing in Las Vegas, Eddie?
Where else can you wear shorts 24 hours a day, huh?
Whoa! I am on fire.
- What? - Shuffling.
EDDIE: Here's the best part.
Thanks to that defective plate in my head...
the VA gave me a huge plot of government land just north of town.
Oh, yeah. Every time I belch the plate shifts and my legs give out.
But, man, what a view.
Nineteen.
- Twenty. - Oh, he's good.
He's good.
- Another 100 in chips, please. - MARTY: Changing 100.
That's it, Clark.
Show them who's boss.
It's people like you who blow the family nest egg here that built this town.
Not this pretty boy.
Whoa!
Oh, gee.
I can't believe it.
I've lost $300 in 15 minutes?
[BURPS]
WOMAN: Hi. EDDIE: I'm okay. I'm okay.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
SIEGFRIED: You're very kind. You're very kind.
- ROY: Wow, what a great audience! - Yeah. All right. Awesome.
Terrific.
- May I ask you where you come from? - Me? Chicago, Illinois.
- Fantastic. All right. - Chicago.
- Sir, why don't you come on stage? - Oh, come on, Clark. It'll be fun.
- Yeah, Dad, do it. - No. I can't...
- Go on. - All right. I'll play along. Okay.
ROY: Give him a hand.
- Good to have you. - SIEGFRIED: Be comfortable.
What is your name, sir?
- Clark Griswold. - Clark Griswold.
Marvelous.
SIEGFRIED: Now, let's do some real magic.
- Clark... - Listen, I know the routine.
What's it gonna be tonight? Wires? Mirrors? Trap doors?
You know, I happen to know a little magic.
I don't know if you've ever seen this.
Can you tell it's my thumb, huh?
Looks like my thumb, but it's not.
I'll do whatever you want. It doesn't matter to me.
I'm here to help.
- ROY: Enter. - Okay. I know this one. Yeah.
ROY: Trust me. CLARK: All right. I'll trust you.
So this is going up then, huh? I'll just go with it.
Me.
Great.
All right.
[CLARK SCREAMING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
- RUSTY: I wonder where Dad went. - I haven't got a clue.
How'd you do at the tables last night?
I'm about even.
- Why'd you tell Eddie we were here? - Oh, come on.
How often do I get to see my cousin Catherine?
Anyway, we're just stopping by for lunch.
I wanna gamble.
Russell, I never wanna hear those words out of your mouth again.
Gambling is a very serious business.
Is that clear?
Excuse me a minute.
- Fifty on black, please. - DEALER: No more bets.
- Red 25. Red wins. - Jeez!
Shall we?
[MOUTHING WORDS] Remember me?
[MOUTHING WORDS] Yes.
Love you.
Your baby?
ELLEN: Are you watching for an address, Clark?
- Yeah, Dad. What block are we on? - Very funny, Russ.
Honey, will you check the map again?
Hey, could that be it?
CLARK: Well, Eddie said there was enough room for a pool.
Get out the sunscreen.
Cousins.
What do you think of my spread, huh?
Can you believe it? They used to test H-bombs on this beautiful property.
CATHERINE: Oh, Ellen. I missed you so much.
Ellen.
Eddie, don't you worry about radiation?
All I know, Clark, is my teeth have never been whiter...
and my garden is spitting out 50-pound tomatoes.
Hey, Denny boy, come on over here.
Would you just look at that view?
It's government property all around us, so you know nobody's gonna build.
Look at this one here.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
I tell him he's gonna pierce himself shut...
but what can you do?
- The boy likes eating through a straw. - Gotta let kids make their own mistakes.
Doesn't that hurt?
[MUFFLED] It's not bad.
Who's hungry?
- You need help with the grill, Eddie? - No, thanks, Clark. Don't have one.
I'll get the tongs.
Renewing your wedding vows?
Oh, that's so wonderful.
I wish Eddie and I had time for that sort of thing.
But with the constant windstorms and flash floods...
oppressive heat and home schooling, we don't have a minute free.
- Could you hand me that oven mitt? - Oh, yeah.
I love what you've done with the kitchenette.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, listen...
- things could be a lot worse. - Yeah. You could be pregnant again.
[CATHERINE CRYING]
Oh, no.
I've been earning money testing fertility drugs.
And I think this one's gonna be a winner.
Everybody loves a baby.
Yeah. Life is good.
My kids are thriving.
Little Ruby-Sue must have grown a foot since you saw her last.
- Daddy, Daddy, I caught another snake. - That's good, sweetheart.
Go put it in the pit with the other ones.
And get inside and work on your typing.
Nice kids, Eddie.
VICKIE: Don't ever pick me up again.
Jerk.
Look who's home.
This one here's my pride and joy.
Lord is my witness, I hate this heat.
If it ain't gluing your butt to the seat...
it's making you sweat like a farm animal.
And I want something better!
Hey, everybody.
You remember your cousin Vickie, don't you, Russ? She's a dancer now.
Her picture's everywhere.
Phone booths, men's rooms.
She's famous.
Show them that little move I taught you there, pork chop.
Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.
She's got her mama's looks and her daddy's sense of balance.
Hose down, now, kids. Chicken's almost ready.
- How's your chicken? Mine's dry as hell. - Mine's dry as hell too.
You wanna hang with me tonight, I'll give you my beeper number.
Really? That would be great.
If you're still hungry, I can wrestle the potato salad from the dog.
As appealing as that sounds, Eddie, we should be going.
Still got a lot of sightseeing, and I added tetanus shot to the list.
ELLEN: Sorry about the tablecloth.
Rusty's never had this reaction to poultry before.
He just ain't used to real home cooking. Are you, tiger?
CATHERINE: Eddie.
- Eddie, he's sick. Anyway, I... - He'll be all right.
Wish you and Catherine could come, but no room for the kids.
- So thanks for the lunch, and bye. - EDDIE: Not so fast, Clark.
Let me get the babysitter.
Hey, kids. Roundup time.
That'll keep them busy for hours.
Where are we going?
CLARK: Hoover Dam. Over 1000 feet wide, and 727 feet to the bottom.
Where can I buy some bait?
Oh, I love electricity. Eddie says we're gonna get some soon.
What a magnificent achievement.
Clark, this is a family vacation. Could you try to stay with the family?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
MAN: This way, please. The tour is about to start.
Welcome, everyone.
I am your dam guide, Arnie.
Now, I'm about to take you through a fully functioning power plant.
So please, no one wander off the darn tour.
And please, take all the darn pictures you want.
Now, are there any dam questions?
Yeah. Where can I get some damn bait?
Eddie.
This way, please.
What did he say?
"This way."
Don't worry about water leaking through the rocks, folks. It's perfectly normal.
Please, keep up with the tour.
This is one of the oldest dam tunnels we have.
[WHISPERING] Audrey. Audrey, come here.
Give me your gum.
- Out of my mouth? - I don't care. Any gum. Give me gum.
- Look what's happening here. - Here.
Just tell them I'll catch up.
Yeah... Yeah.
Damn it.
CLARK: Hello?
Ellen? Russ?
Where the hell is the damn dam tour?
[WHISTLING]
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
[ECHOING] Ellen?
[SCREAMS]
And there are over 100 million tons of cement in these walls.
Ellen?
Hello? Hello? Help.
It's not that high.
Okay. Here we go.
Let's see if I still got it.
Nice breeze up here.
ARNIE: And that's how a power plant works.
How?
This tour gets better every week.
- Fishing's been better, though. - Yeah.
Remember when I had the puffer fish?
[SCREAMING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
Just like in gym class.
One hand at a time.
- Ellen! - What was that?
[SINGING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"]
[THUD]
- Oh, my God. Clark! - Daddy!
CLARK: Sorry, honey. I'll be right up. AUDREY: Daddy.
- Daddy. - Clark.
Clark?
This is steep.
Okay. Here we go.
[GRUNTING]
CLARK: I got it. EDDIE: Need some help, Clark?
No. I got it.
That's a workout there, isn't it? Climbed all the way up there.
- I almost lost my tag. - ELLEN: Clark.
Drinks at the Snacketeria, on me.
I can't help noticing you're taking more of an interest in the fairer sex lately.
There's something your old dad would like to say about that:
You see, Russ, there comes a time in every young man's life...
when he enters...
the fragrant garden of beautiful flowers.
And he wants to enter that garden with a knowledge and a mulch...
to let the flowers bloom more brightly, rather than...
- Dad. - What?
If this is about sex, I already know.
- You do? - Yeah.
Oh.
Good talk, son.
So, what's it gonna be tonight? "The Amazing Elvis Monkeys"?
- How about "Liberace on Ice"? - Oh, Clark, I don't' know.
It's been such a long day.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MAN [ON TV]: At Hoover Dam today...
the water level dropped four feet after an unexplained flood...
CLARK: Oh, thank you.
Hey, look at this.
Four tickets to Wayne Newton.
Wayne Newton?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
CLARK: That's Las Vegas, they never stop giving.
- Yeah? - Hi. For Ellen Griswold.
- I'm Mr. Ellen Griswold. Thank you. - Okay.
"Please wear this tonight. A friend."
Hey, who's it from, Morn?
I don't know.
But it's beautiful.
I guess they really know how to treat their high rollers.
Okay, kids. Inspection in five minutes.
You heard your father. Move it.
Wayne Newton just happens to be one of America's greatest entertainers.
You don't know the affect he has on women.
Yes. Griswold. Right this way, sir.
Here.
Make the seats good.
No...
No gratuity is necessary, sir.
- No, really. Keep it. - Follow me, please.
Oh, Clark.
- We're in the front row! - I tipped him.
[WAYNE NEWTON SINGING "ONCE IN A LIFETIME"]
What energy!
WAYNE: Thank you.
You're really a magical group of people.
Oh, Greg, give me some birds. Let me hear some birds.
[BIRDS CHIRPING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SINGING "LOVIN' YOU" BY MINNIE RIPPERTON]
Mrs. Ellen Griswold.
Ellen, huh?
Holy crap. Wayne Newton's hitting on Morn.
It's all part of the act, Russ.
Now you.
[SINGING]
Well, I think we know who sent the dress.
You're very lucky. I've been to every Wayne show for the last 15 years.
And I've never seen him do anything like this.
No, I'm just saying I've never heard you hit those notes before.
Don't worry, Clark. You have nothing to fear from Wayne Newton. He's...
unattainable.
- Mom, you didn't see the way he was...? - CLARK: Watch your mouth.
I think I'll go upstairs and take a bath.
Not me.
- Anybody up for craps? - We're too young, remember?
Oh, yeah. I remember when I was too young.
Here.
Both of you take 20 bucks. If you need Daddy, I'll be...
rolling the dice. Have fun, kids.
- Have a nice night. - See you later.
Daddy wants a seven! Let's go, seven!
- Seven. A winner! - Yeah!
DEALER: Place your bets. Lucky roller coming out.
- Place your bets. - CLARK: Yeah.
- Yeah. - MAN: Yeah.
EDDIE: Let go of me. Let go of me!
Clark? There he is. Clark!
See, I told you. Clark!
Look out, don't hurt me now. Don't hurt me.
Nice place for a pearl necklace.
- Sir, do you know this person? - No, no. Hi. Clark W. Griswold.
Nice to meet you.
Have you ever swam with the dolphins? Them things is hard to catch.
Twelve. Craps. A loser.
Eddie, has anybody ever told you before:
"You're bad luck"?
Those were my mother's dying words.
But when you got your body covered in third-degree burns...
and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you'll talk crazy.
I seem to have run out of pocket money. Do you cash checks?
- Only if you're staying at the hotel, sir. - Indeed I am.
There we are.
No problem.
Good luck, Mr. Griswold.
Clark...
if you're thinking about buying me a Cadillac, forget it.
- I won't take it. - No. Just trying to get even, Eddie.
Now, where can I do the most damage?
MAN: Shrimp cocktail, 29 cents.
[MAN SINGING]
- Fake IDs. - How'd you know?
When I was your age, they had to use a water cannon...
to keep me away from the girls.
Ten bucks. Ten, ten.
Shrimp, ladies.
Ten of them. I need the 10.
Here.
- Thanks. - Have a good evening, Mr. Morris.
[SINGING]
Oh, whatever.
DEALER: Another 21! EDDIE: Yeah, Clark, you nailed her there.
Oh, okay. Let's see. House has 14, and house busts.
- EDDIE: You're on a roll now! - Yeah!
Wendy, you are my lucky charm.
I don't know what is wrong with me tonight.
- You're rolling. - Good luck, everybody.
Good luck, everybody.
Batter up.
Big bet for a big man.
Sure you don't wanna save a few bucks for the buffet?
Okay, wise guy. Let's see how you do against three hands.
This should be sweet.
CLARK: Sweet for me, Marty. You're finished.
Straw.
Eddie, I'm trying to concentrate.
Oh, yeah! That's a bigger fire than the red drink.
[CHEERING]
Did you come to Las Vegas to be a showgirl?
No, I'm on vacation with my parents.
Hard to believe we're related, right?
- A drink, please. - Welcome to the Riviera.
May I see some ID?
I think we have a problem, sir.
Good night.
Hey, pal, why the long face?
You know that crap ID you sold me? I want my 10 bucks back.
Those lousy bums threw you out?
Helicopter rides to the Grand Canyon. See it as God does.
They tossed me.
Oops. Yeah.
Don't they realize what it's like to be:
[SINGING] A boy on the town When he's in love
- Just give me my $10 back. - I'm not through with you yet, all right?
You're Nick Pappagiorgio.
You're from Yuma, Arizona. You're into software.
Stick your head in and say, "Joey Heatherton."
- Right here on the strip? - Smile, kid. You're in Vegas.
So you guys have been together longer than the real Beatles?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Great. Will you excuse me?
Hey! You wanna dance up here?
No, I don't think so.
Audrey, honey, let me tell you something I learned:
In this world, you're either up on the stage in the spotlight...
or down in the pit serving drinks.
Go have some fun.
Audrey?
Audrey!
What are you doing up there?
I'm starting my vacation.
She's gonna break a lot of hearts.
She's gonna break something.
Congratulations. You've won the car.
Could I see some ID, please?
And where would you like the car sent, Mr. Pappagiorgio?
Eighteen.
Nineteen. So close.
CLARK: Oh, come on.
That's it. I've had enough. Let's get out of here.
Good luck, sir.
I ain't seen a beating like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants...
and turned a monkey loose.
Thanks for the pick-me-up, Eddie.
Why don't you just call it a night and let Ellen lick your wounds.
That sounds great, but Ellen went to sleep hours ago.
Then she must be one hell of a sleepwalker.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Good night, Eddie.
So that's how they got the title "Danke Schoen."
- It means "Thank you." - "Thank you" in German.
Oh.
Ellen, what are you doing up? I thought you went to bed.
It got late. I got worried about you.
Clark, Wayne Newton.
- Pleased to meet you. - Into food preservatives? What a gas.
I like it.
- Being on the road is just... - You've been everywhere.
We never go anywhere. We're boring. Clark falls asleep in front of the TV.
I guess I'll just go upstairs and get some sleep.
Well, okay. Okay. Look. Look, let me just tip the piano player.
- She was marvelous. - I might have some...
I've got a chip here.
ELLEN: Danke schoen.
- Thanks. - Like to sit down?
Very special lady.
That's why I entered into the sacred bond of marriage with her.
I hear that.
You know, Clark, I love women.
I observe them. I cherish them.
Don't let that one get out of your sight.
(0K8)'-
Wayne has invited us to Shenandoah tomorrow for lunch and festivities.
- That's my home. - Thank you.
Love to. But we have a lot of plans, don't we?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
It's Wayne Newton!
I'm a fan, sir. I am a fan. I can't believe I'm standing next to you.
Well, here, take my seat, Eddie.
- Thank you for the drink, Wayne. - Okay. Good night, Wayne.
Do you need a bodyguard? I'd die for you.
- Can I play five dollars in coins, please? - What?
I'd like to bet five dollars.
Five dollars. New roller coming out.
- Kid looks like a shooter. - I'll go for this.
- Go for this. I'm ready. - MAN 1: He looks like a shooter.
- Yo, 11, 7, any way! - MAN 2: Come on!
- Seven. Any way. - Seven now.
- Seven. A winner! - Yeah.
Way to go, kid.
- You wanna press it? - Press it?
I wanna press this up.
- MAN 3: Press this up? - Yeah. Yeah, press it.
Give him the dice. He can do it. Come on.
- Come on, baby. Come on. - Seven. Any way.
- Seven. Winner! - Yeah!
- MAN 3: Yeah!
Fantastic. This kid's great.
I'm sorry to bother you, sir. May I see some ID?
Yeah. ID? Sure.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Mirage, Mr. Pappagiorgio. My name is Dean.
Why do they do that when we got a hot table? Why?
- Thank you, Dean. - How do you like Yuma?
Yuma. It's great.
My wife and kids are back in Yuma where I work in software...
in the software business.
Hey, let the man roll the dice.
No corrective lenses tonight?
No, I do not require them.
- Good luck, sir. - Let's go, kid! Let's do this.
- But you do. - MAN 1: Come on!
- Come on! - MAN 2: Seven again.
- Yes. - MAN 3: Seven again! I can't believe it!
- Russ? Audrey? - ELLEN: Oh, Clark, don't wake them.
MAN [ON TV]: Forget craps, forget blackjack...
if you wanna make money in a casino, walk up to a baccarat table and say:
"I wanna play baccarat."
You feeling lucky tonight, Sparky?
Not now, honey. They're teaching me baccarat.
I'm learning baccarat.
Bet with the player.
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
Bet with the bank. Bet with the bank. Bet with the player.
Nine is a natural.
Bet with the bank. Bet with the player.
Nine is a natural.
Bet with the bank.
Bet with the player.
Nine is a natural.
- Bet with the bank. - Clark!
Eight is a winner. What?
- Honey... - Give me that.
CLARK: Think we ought to be doing this before we get married?
- Hard six coming out. - ELLEN: What?
CLARK: Hit me.
[SLAPPING]
Ow! Good night, honey.
He'll do it again. The kid's gonna do it again.
MAN 2: Do it again. MAN 3: Hit me!
Right now. Ready?
Seven out.
[ALL GROANING]
- Nice roll, Mr. Nick. - You did good, kid.
- Thank you. - Cash me in.
- Kid, you made me a lot of money. - Great roll.
- Jilly from Philly. - Nick Pappagiorgio from Yuma.
Nick Pappagiorgio from Yuma? You like getting massaged?
- "BY Who? - By WhQ? By me"
Meet us in the spa at 10:00 tomorrow morning.
Randy, this guy is with us. You take care of him.
We're so impressed with your playing...
we'd like to invite you to stay in one of our suites. Follow me.
And if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to call me.
Thank you.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
Card counting, Clark?
- Is that legal? - Sharpens the player's edge.
Hello.
Hey! Here come the kids.
Okay. What happened to you last night?
Hey, what are you having for breakfast, lazybones?
- BOTH: Coffee. - Make it three.
Four it is. Hey, gang!
Don't shout, Daddy.
I had an idea.
How about an "alone day" where each of us Griswolds...
goes out and explores the city of Las Vegas in their own personal way?
I don't think that's a very good idea.
- Great. - Love you.
Be back at 5.
Oh, you'll have a great time.
Have fun.
Payback time.
Five hundred dollars.
You don't know when to quit, do you?
- Chips. - Changing 500.
Here's an idea:
Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna bet...
then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day?
Pappagiorgio?
- How are you enjoying that massage? - I'm enjoying it, Jilly, I really am.
You know what your problem is, Nick? You're a nervous guy.
You gotta learn how to relax.
You're right, Jilly. I know I do.
A little harder on the shoulders.
That's it, kid.
Now that you got that, all we gotta do is teach you how to dress.
[LAUGHING]
Now aren't you a little slice of pie?
WOMAN: Are you thinking of dancing, honey?
- AUDREY: No. - She's got a body for it, though.
I do? Thanks.
Well, do it while you're young and foolish.
I'm going to college in the fall, but I'm doing volunteer work this summer.
- Our prime years are few and fast. - Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Helen, show this girl something with a heel.
Hit me.
Yeah. Twenty.
It's 20. It's a push!
- I didn't lose. - That's it.
Griswold, you are freaking dead.
JILLY: I love you, kid!
Fantastic. Unbelievable.
Ellen. Outrageous. Where's the rest of the family?
They're busy.
Did I catch you at a bad time?
- Because I could just... - No, no.
A singer's body is his instrument, and I believe in keeping it finely tuned.
Come on in. Let's have some fun.
Blackjack.
Blackjack. Blackjack.
WOMAN: Yeah. MARTY: Six!
They're not bad.
These boys aren't much to talk to...
but if you need a night away from your cat, they're more than fine.
[SIRENS WAILING]
No!
Yeah!
[MUMBLING]
What? What did you say?
I said, blackjack!
[LAUGHING]
Changing 1600.
Lunch was wonderful.
I hope you enjoyed the company as much as the food.
Oh, Wayne.
MAN: Please, madame. Chin up.
Ellen, you know, I've always felt very blessed...
by all the gifts that I've been given.
But after meeting you, I realize how truly alone I am.
But, Wayne, you have millions of fans.
Please, they just love me for my talent.
I feel so many things right now.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you.
Well...
We could turn the den into a guest room. But I don't know about your horses.
Clark pretty much likes the garage for the car and the lawnmowers.
[LAUGHING]
Ellen, you're too much.
I have something for you.
It's a lock of my hair.
Gosh.
Oh, it's getting late.
I've gotta go. But thank you.
- It's been wonderful. - Ellen, wait.
If you have nothing to do later, please come back.
I'm gonna make pasta.
Come on, Griswold, you think this sign's here...
to hold down the table?
- What can I do with five dollars? - Gee, I don't know.
Buy a bullet and rent a gun?
[LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
- JILLY: Hey, I'll see you. Have a good time. - Alrighty.
Rusty?
Ellen?
Good luck, sir.
I had a fantastic alone day, Clark.
- It was a great idea. - Oh, yeah.
- Where did you get that stuff? - At the men's store. Ask for Caesar.
- Daddy! - 'Ch, my God!
- Look, Dad, Vickie took me to her stylist. - ELLEN: Clark.
Did you know there were 92 individual muscles in the human throat?
All this time I thought I was unhappy with you and Mom.
But I was just dissatisfied with myself. All that's changed, thanks to Las Vegas.
Dad, this is Larry, Kurt and Ira. They're professional entertainers.
- Nice to meet you, sir. - How do you do?
You know what drives me crazy? Baccarat tables.
Larry can bend his leg up over his head without falling. Wanna see?
- VICKIE: See this. - It's after-riding wear.
- If those guys weren't bust-outs... - ELLEN: Isn't it lovely?
All of you come with me now.
Not you.
Now, listen, I know we haven't seen a lot of each other lately...
and that's okay, but we're the Griswolds.
And we're on vacation.
And starting right now, we're gonna have a great time.
But, Dad, we're having a great time.
Who knew my sister had the legs of a thoroughbred?
- Am I right? - Shut up, Russ.
The point is, starting now...
we're gonna have a great time together.
How?
How? Well...
How?
Well, we could all...
sit on a bench as a family and watch a beautiful Vegas sunset.
Wouldn't that be great?
Audrey.
We could count the bulbs on the strip. Audrey.
Larry's taking me to see the world's largest thermometer.
I got a teeny thing happening downtown.
I mean, you know...
Ellen? I know what we can do.
We can get remarried. Right now.
There's a Honeymoon Slots tournament at the Golden Nugget.
And guess what. Newlyweds get in for free.
I've got news for you, Clark:
I haven't said yes yet.
- Well, if you're all too busy... - You hang on a minute, mister.
You brought us for a family vacation...
and the only time we've spent together is on your way to the casino.
- I've invited you. - You find the Clark Griswold I married...
and tell him I'm at the Mirage.
Come on, kids.
Don't worry about me. I got plenty I can do on my own in Las Vegas.
EDDIE: Which hand is il' in?
Who wants it now? Who wants it?
There you go, you little heathens.
Eddie, thanks for buying me dinner.
Best buck-49 buffet in town, Clark.
Clark, this is all-you-can-eat.
We only need one plate.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
These rolls.
Oh, I had that last time I was here.
Fresh broccoli.
[SNEEZING]
CLARK: God bless you. EDDIE: Thank you.
CLARK: Maybe I'll just replace these and take a carrot.
And that's the macaroni.
- That's good. - No, let's get a little more.
Some of this spaghetti Bolognese here.
You're lucky you came on Italian night. That stuff will knock your socks off.
This doesn't look like chicken.
COOK: Oh, you're right.
This isn't chicken. This is chicken.
Want some?
- I think I'll just be over by the Saltines. - Oh, okay.
- Here, go ahead. - Go ahead and get us a table.
I'll have some of the... Some of the yellow.
And don't get cheap on me.
[LAUGHING]
Mmm.
This bread pudding is extra-runny tonight.
Eddie, when you look at me, what do you see?
Time's up, Eddie.
I'll tell you what you see:
You see a man whose family counted on him...
to give them the best vacation ever. And I can't do it. I can't do it, because...
Eddie, you have something on your...
- I get it'? - Yeah.
Eddie, I've gambled away more money than you'll ever understand.
Try me.
Twenty-two thousand, six hundred dollars.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Oh, my God! - Eddie.
Oh, God!
- Eddie! Please! - Oh, my God.
- Clark. - I don't know what I'll tell Ellen. I mean...
If I could just get that money back, I could turn it all around.
Clark, you've been so good to Catherine and me through the years.
I hate to see you down like this.
I've got some...
Money stashed away.
And it'd be my honor to help you in your time of need.
You mean it?
There's just one little problem.
I forgot where I buried it.
CLARK: ls it safe to be digging like this?
EDDIE: Oh, yeah. Watch out for the scorpions.
Yeah, I got money buried all over this yard, Clark.
I used to have quite a little system for finding it.
But... Oh, wait, here's something.
Twenty-eight dollars.
CLARK: Got one. Got one. Got one.
- Six bucks. - Oh, yeah. Yuban coffee.
You know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything. Ice cream, mashed potatoes...
or just eat it right out of the can for a quick pick-me-up.
Oh, my God.
There must be over $100 in here.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's from when I sold one of my kidneys.
We didn't really need the cash at the time...
but I figured with all the advances in medicine...
I might as well sell it while somebody still wanted to buy it.
Smartest thing I ever did, Clark.
Eddie, why do you have all this money buried in the ground?
For a rainy day, Clark.
And we don't get too many of those in the desert.
Where's the nearest casino?
Hello, room service?
I'd like the crab Rangoon, chicken fingers...
the Jackpot Burger...
and the Tropical Banana Torte.
No, cancel that.
I'm going out.
EDDIE: I gotta warn you, Clark. They don't play the same games here...
that they do at them regular casinos.
Eddie, this place is great.
They don't have these games at the Mirage.
Pick a number? I'm great at that.
Coin toss. Eddie, these are my games.
Give me 20 bucks. War!
You know, Russ and I play this all the time.
- I'm in. - Here we go.
Nine.
That's fast.
Give me another 20, Eddie.
War. Bet again.
- Nine again. - You know, Clark...
maybe you ought to spread it around...
not have all your fun at just one table.
Dealer has rock. Pay paper.
- Call it. - Clark, what say we go back home...
- and bury what's left of my money? - Heads.
I'm sorry, sir, it's tails.
Almost.
Give me that! Give me that!
- Clark. - He cheated, Eddie.
- Clark. - He switched them. I saw him.
- Foun - Seven.
Eddie, what am I doing?
I need to go someplace where a man can think.
Oh, I wouldn't do that here, Clark.
The stalls are awfully dirty and they're backed up all the time.
No. Eddie, I need to be alone.
Oh, I see.
You want me to go with you?
All right. Come on.
Come on, Clark. The night is young.
They're giving away free hot sandwiches at the blood bank.
Hot sandwiches. I'm not worthy of a hot sandwich.
I'm not a father. I'm not a husband. I'm nothing.
Oh, you may feel like nothing now, but look on the bright side.
You used to be something, and nobody can ever take that away from you.
Goodbye, Ellen.
I'm sure you'll be happy with Wayne Newton.
Where am I gonna go?
Well, you can live with us right here in Vegas.
We'll dig you a guest room.
Rusty and my poor little Audrey.
And in the evening you can sit outside...
and you can tell us all how much more good you used to have it.
Look at all these happy families.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do?
Without my family, there is no Clark Griswold.
We could go into business for ourselves.
We can raise snakes, maybe open up our own petting zoo.
Yeah, that's what we could do.
And we could have a lot of happy, wonderful times, Clark.
We'll get your money back.
Eddie, I'm not worried about my money.
I don't care if I ever get my money back.
I gotta get my family back.
- Well, what about my money? - You stay here. I'll be right back.
Police emergency.
MAN: Hey! What are you doing there?
- Uh-oh. - MAN: Hey! Hey! Open up!
- Open this door! - Don't be alarmed. He's with me.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Say cheese.
Oh, Wayne.
It's Dean Martin's recipe.
I always make too much.
Thank you so much for having me for dinner.
Ellen, l...
There's something I have to tell you.
Oh, no.
Wayne, please don't.
Ellen, I've always been a moral man.
But my resolve is melting in the blinding light of your precious smile.
Maybe you're hungry. Would you like some pasta?
On your right is Treasure Island. On the left is Harrah's.
Next stop, Wayne Newton's house.
Wayne, please.
Please.
Wayne!
CLARK: Ellen, don't worry. I'm here, honey.
Get out of my way. Hands off my wife!
Clark, it's not the way it looks. We were just having pasta.
Ellen, I've been a fool.
And not a loveable fool who clowns for the delight of children and small people.
But a fool who's only fooling himself.
Clark, you're back.
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, why don't you go sing something?
Ellen, I've learned that a family vacation only works...
when you're with your family. And you and Russ and...
- Audrey. - Audrey.
You are my family.
And the most important thing is for us to get back together before it's too late.
- What do you say, Ellen? - I'm with you, baby.
Then let's go get our kids.
- Is there a charge for parking? - No.
Park it.
Hey, have you seen this person?
Mr. Pappagiorgio. Yeah, Lanai 6.
My son.
Mr. Pappagiorgio?
Let's go.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- Rusty! - Russ!
- Oh, Clark, do something. - Okay. Look out.
Russ! Rusty!
Oh, my little baby boy!
- CLARK: Rusty? - Excuse me. Excuse me.
Russ.
Am I right? I mean, am I right?
- Oh, Nick. - So I says to him...
I said, "Get your own monkey."
Oh, my Lord. Rusty!
Oh, you must be lost. This is Mr. Pappagiorgio.
His name is not Pappagiorgio. His name is Rusty Griswold...
and he's a C-plus student. Now, out of the pool! Let's go, young man!
'Dad! _NOW!
I'm looking for an underage kid named Pappagiorgio. Seen him?
Yes, he stole my wallet. He's back there.
- Where's your sister? - Audrey?
She's with Vickie somewhere.
- Where's Vickie? - Where's Vickie?
- Mr. Pappagiorgio, your usual table? - Not tonight.
You are in deep trouble, my friend.
Excuse me.
(He)', everybody!
Vickie, where's Audrey?
Oh, my God.
- Our baby. - Hang on, honey!
Daddy's coming to get you!
Excuse me. Get out of my way, please.
- What do you think you're doing? - You told me to get a summer job!
What? Ten years of tap-dancing lessons and this is how you repay me?
Let's go, young lady.
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Come on, let's get out of here.
[GIGGLING]
Oh, Daddy. I don't know what I was thinking. Let's go home right now.
- Yeah, when are we going? - Let's just quit while we're ahead.
Ahead or behind, what does it matter?
- We still have each other. - Sparky.
And when we get home, even though I've lost most of our money...
Wait a minute. "I've lost most of our money"?
How much did you lose?
Well, with the checks and the credit cards...
a couple of trips to the ATM and the plane tickets I cashed in...
I don't know, 22, 23,000 dollars. Somewhere in there.
- What? - Dad, what about my tuition?
- You were gonna buy me a snowboard. - We still have our love.
That's what I've come to realize.
Clark, how much money do you have right now?
I'm broke.
- Rusty? - I spent it all.
Having an entourage is expensive.
- Audrey? - No pockets.
I've got two dollars.
Clark, get our money back.
There.
I'm telling you, this is not the way to do this.
- Can't your parents wire us money? - There.
CLARK: Oh, Keno. Oh, this is easy. I saw this on TV.
Okay, you gotta pick 10 numbers.
We've gotta play the kids' birthdays, 16 and 7.
Oh, and Dad's old football number, 44.
- Excuse me, is that your family? - Yeah.
- You're a lucky man. - Luckiest guy on earth.
Don't forget Grandma and Granddad's anniversary.
I never got married. I was scared.
Afraid to take the risk. Beautiful children.
Oh, thank you. We're very blessed.
This whole thing is money, money, money.
Let me tell you something. Money isn't everything.
I sit here alone, you know. Nobody cares.
If I win at something, I have nobody to share it with.
Well, you have your health.
- It seems you have a hobby. - Yeah, a hobby I got. That's it.
My health...
If I did have a family, I'd like it to be like yours.
Tonight, consider yourself part of our family.
Yeah. I'm gonna take you up on that.
- Really. Thank you. - Okay.
Nice of you. Good luck.
- Hey, Dad, game's almost starting. - Yeah.
- WOMAN: Seven. - It's seven.
It's Audrey's birthday.
We're gonna do it.
WOMAN: Ten.
- WOMAN: Fourteen. - Doesn't matter.
Even eight matches wins $15,500.
WOMAN: Twenty-two.
Thirty-three.
(Eight)'-
Your final number, 54.
MAN: I won. I w0n. I won.
I won!
I won! I won!
All the years I've waited for this. Years!
I've been coming here for... I've never won once, and now I won.
The money is mine. I have the money. The money is mine. I got it!
For the first time, I got the...
Hey, sir, are you all right?
Rusty.
Get... Go get someone.
Sir.
Oh, my God.
I won. I won the money.
I won. I won the money. Did you hear me? I said I won.
- It's okay. - It's here. Right here.
- That's wonderful. - I won the money.
I won the money.
That's wonderful.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
What did he say?
I think he said, "Take the ticket."
He said, "Take the ticket"?
I think he did.
He's gone. There was nothing you could do.
- We'll never even know his name. - He was Mr. Ellis.
- The loneliest guy I ever saw. - He would've given anything...
just to have someone sit with him and say a few nice words.
Jeez.
ELLEN: I hope you kids have learned something about the dangers of gambling.
CLARK: No, no, Sparklet. Don't blame gambling.
Gambling is what made America great.
You see, kids, when Columbus set sail on a little rickety boat...
and let it ride to the New World on a single tank of gas...
that was a gamble. Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison...
Albert Einstein, all gamblers.
- Wasn't Einstein German? - Hard to tell from his accent, Russ.
But I do know one thing.
When a beautiful young blond co-ed...
took a chance on a gangly boy of a man named Clark...
she was taking a gamble too.
Ellen Priscilla Ruth Smith Griswold...
will you remarry me?
Ellen Griswold, do you promise to love and honor Clark...
for as long as you both shall live?
[CATHERINE SOBBING]
Oh, God!
- I do. - Clark Griswold, do you...?
CATHERINE: I love you, Eddie.
Promise to love and honor Ellen...
- for as long as you both shall live? - I do.
I don't care if you ruined my life. I love you!
Then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada...
and the Las Vegas Entertainers' Association...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Eddie...
this is for you.
Clark, where did all this come from?
Well, we were very, very fortunate last night, Eddie...
and I think the Griswolds... We learned something on this vacation.
And that is that it's not what you have but who you have to share it with.
- Dad. - In a minute, Russ.
You see, the promise of material possessions can often blind one to the...
What is it, Russ?
Those four cars over there...
they're mine.
What do you mean, they're...? They're yours?
Yeah.
- Where'd you get them? - I pulled four slot machines...
and I won four cars, you know. I put a dollar in, I got a car.
Okay. I think I get it.
- Give me the keys, please. - EDDIE: Five thousand dollars?
- CLARK: Excuse me a minute. - Five thousand dollars.
Okay, Ellen, you drive the red one.
You take the white one.
You take the Mustang, and I'll take that big black thing over there.
After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio.
- Goodbye, Eddie. - Goodbye, Clark.
- Bye, everybody. - EDDIE: Bye, Ellen.
ELLEN: Bye, Eddie. EDDIE: Bye.
CATHERINE: Bye, guys! EDDIE: Bye!
Drive carefully!
Have a good trip!