First love. We've all been through it.
It can really take a hold of you. Make you do some pretty crazy things.
They remind me of my first love. But...
Imogen would never wear that much jewelry.
And I wouldn't be caught dead in shoes like that.
-Your coffee. I'm sorry about the wait. -Thanks.
I remember when I first met her. It was in this...
cool dive we used to hang out at.
I guess we thought it was cool because they didn't check IDs, but...
Anyway...
she sure looked great that night.
There's no way! No way!
No way!
There's no way! No way.
Get outta here!
-Totally true. -You're such a liar.
-They'd never had anyone so talented. -They said that? For real?
-They want to put me under contract. -You did it with a chick...
somebody filmed. I can go to the store and rent it. You got paid US$2,5OO?
-Right, but they will tax that. -This is the most uncanny thing...
...I've ever heard of. -She's supposed to stop by later.
-Who? -My co-star.
Hold on! You're telling me, the one that you hot-housed in the movie...
...is coming here tonight? -Are you two going out now?
She's cool, but I'm not into dating people at the office.
Wait. Just hold it. Monk, c'mon, you gotta break me into this business.
Look at me and then look at you. I'm far better looking.
No doubt in my mind that you are, my friend.
But I'm afraid you're way too small.
Get outta here.
I got it. And I can outlast anyone in this goddamn town!
-Then take a challenge. -Let's go!
New freshman. Name's Lana. She's always grabby.
Loves fooling around. Go get lit with her...
and take her back to the dorm. I'll be in Al's bunk, so she won't see me.
If you don't show, you have to buy me an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner.
-When I win? -Then I'll get you an audition.
You got yourself a bet.
You ever heard of that drinking game, "Quarters"?
Where am I going to sleep?
With that freshman.
-"She's Got You". -What?
-It's a better pick than "Crazy". -Depends on your mood, I guess.
-Do you like Patsy Cline? -Yeah! Patsy, Billie, Joni.
All the great female singers. My mom's influence. She spins.
-Get out of here! -Been a DJ her whole life.
You can't watch me pick, okay?
Okay.
I had to choose dance stuff because this place needs friction.
-I'm Imogen. -Imogen?
-My mom picked it out of a name book. -Practical.
I'm Al. Alfred Connelly.
-Are you a junior? -Sophomore. Are you a soph...?
Are you a freshman?
-This is a great pick for adrenaline. -Have to endorphinize.
Later. Singing, baby.
That guy looks like Jim Morrison, from The Doors.
His name is Jim Morrison.
You okay?
That's what I get for drinking in between drinks.
Wait. Got to come up for air.
We're going to the Cat and Mouse tavern. Coming?
-I see you with the twig in the corner. -The frat boy without a frat.
-Al, this is Lana. Lana, Al. -Hey you, Aley.
I'm going back to twig boy and then we're going out. So, later.
She's really cool once you get to know her. Do you wanna come?
I'd like to, but you should go rage with the freshmen.
-I have my internship tomorrow. -Doing what?
My dad has a cooking show, so I'm learning about TV.
But I kinda would really like to be a cook myself.
-Is he the chef? -He's Chef Ray.
Your dad is Chef Ray?
Now Al, I want you to get this. You cut into a piece of Jarlsberg...
you do not abuse the rind. You don't say...
well, the rind is an inch big, so I'm just gonna cut and chuck it.
You cut at the edge, right here.
You know how much you're gonna save? Are you seeing this?
You start adding these up, that's fondue for a nation, buddy.
-Yes, Daddy. -"Yes, Daddy". You are so smart.
My mom gave me one of his books. She actually thinks I'm gonna cook here.
Imogen!
I'm in Sullivan's if you wanna come over and listen to music sometime.
I'd like that.
Skinny. Do you know where the man they call Horse is?
Monk? Actually, he just left.
Well, I guess that just leaves you and me.
-So you're in the business too? -No. No.
-I'm Al. Monk's room-mate. -Al, Monk's room-mate...
...buy Cyrus a drink. -A friend of his is a friend of mine.
-She'll have a... -An Old-Fashioned.
And a beer.
So...
...what kind of name is Cyrus? -A man's.
Can I ask you a favor, Al?
Pass this to the Ox. He's expecting it.
-Do you go to school with us? -I was at the MIT doing chemistry.
-And? -And...
I'm taking a break to explore myself.
Kinda like taking a break to find yourself?
I'm looking to share myself.
And it looks like the Sixties are in town.
Come on, you guys.
You're the cutest one in New York.
I got the most incredible rush when I hugged him that night.
But as a freshman I made a rule for myself: no boyfriends.
In high school, I was always in relationships. For the first time...
I just wanted to be free to have a good time. But after seeing him in the bar...
What can I say? I couldn't help myself.
I thought for sure he wasn't interested.
But when I saw him in the courtyard, I knew I had to throw away all rules.
Monk...
-What's going on? -I got action.
That sounds good.
It was poetry, Al. The kind that makes you think about the first time.
Hicks, cut the crap. Look, what's going on? And who's in there?
-We get naked. -And then what?
-She did it. -Did what?
-I couldn't believe it. -Believe what?
-It had never happened to me before. -What happened?
She...
she...
she shoved...
her finger in my butt.
-In my... you know. -My God.
My God!
Does this mean I'm gay? Am I gay?
-Then again... -Shut up.
I saw the film last night.
It's not bad.
That chariot sequence must've been kind of tricky.
That old and still in love.
-You ever been in love? -Sarah. All through high school.
Tingles and everything. Lost my virginity to her.
-But that's all extinct. -Why?
Because it happens. It's a probable fatality.
-How old are we? -2O.
We don't need love in our lives.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Hung over? -It's ghastly.
Usually my parents never let me drink more than two. Come in.
-Nice to have a single. -It's the only lottery I've never won.
Something sacred.
Thank you. Cake is my world.
I feel like I should pay admission.
These are really, really good.
Why, thank you. I'm not gonna major in it, though.
Why not?
I was supposed to go to the Art Institute in San Francisco. But...
my parents think that fine arts is for graduate study, or something to do...
on weekends. Did you always wanna be a chef?
Actually, when I was younger I kind of wanted to be a singer-songwriter.
-Me too. -Really?
-But I've absolutely no musical talent. -Me neither.
But that's how I found painting.
Come here. Let me show you my album covers.
See? I would paint myself in them.
These are so good!
-Sister? -No, I'm an only child.
-Me too. -We're prime for psychoanalysis.
-Tell me about it. -So can I psychoanalyze you?
Sure.
Childhood: good or bad?
-Good and bad. -Favorite foods?
This is such an intense subject for me.
Fish. I love fish.
-Have you ever been to Oceana? -No.
It's the most amazing restaurant. It's truly religious.
-Vices? -Sleeping, beer, wine, cheese.
Cigarettes, fashion magazines...
TV, chocolate...
...underachievers. -You're single though, right?
-It's supposed to be about you, not me. -It's been about you a little bit.
Who was your first kiss?
-I don't know her name. -What?
I was twelve.
I'd just finished at the dentist, who had Novocained my whole mouth.
My mom was supposed to pick me up. And this lady comes out of this shop.
And she dropped something out of her pocket. A ring.
I picked it up. I tried to call out to her...
but my mouth wasn't opening too much and it was all slurred.
She smiled. So finally...
I gave it to her.
And then she kissed me. A real kiss.
And even though I couldn't feel anything, I got excited.
-Such a weird story. -It was weird.
But then I felt powerful, like I could kiss anybody.
How about you?
-I was eleven. My gym partner. -You kiss like a fish.
He was a jerk.
-Some people like that kind of thing. -Not when you're eleven and a half.
What kind of girls did you date in high school?
First there was Megan Brokski, a tenth-grade cheerleader.
Go, Al! My cute little beau!
Take me out for a good time, yo!
Then there was Faith Keenan, the eleventh-grade klepto.
Here, hide these.
And Haley Heller, the twelfth-grade science prodigy.
Look at this rare slug I found in your garden.
-How about you? -There was Ted McGurran.
-He was allergic to me. -We can work things out.
Gabe Stiano. New Age freak with the crystal.
If you hold this, things will work out. I know it.
And Ricky James. But my dog didn't like him.
So, can you make any conclusions, doctor?
And why not?
-Because I need to know the rest. -Have you ever been to India?
I just knew she'd appreciate a place like this.
I just felt completely comfortable with him.
-Do I have anything in my teeth? -No.
Do l?
What?
She even stuck around while I got some secret cooking tips.
His passion for food was adorable.
And there, in the middle of the park, we had our first kiss.
That kiss belongs in a box so I can show my grandkids one day.
Can I use your bathroom?
-Can you smell the essence, Emogin? -Imogen.
-Yes, it's very nice.
You know, it's like in music. You know how tone is intangible?
This is tone, except to the palate. It is so powerful.
Easy, tiger! We don't want her to think we're part of some epicurean cult.
All right, I need the pepper now. Right now. A little sprinkle, okay?
That's a shower, not a sprinkle.
You have to learn to live in the in-between.
So, how long have you guys been together?
-Two months. -And a week.
-But, who's counting? -Do you have a song?
-Actually, no. -Not yet.
-But everybody should have a song. -We have a song.
I'm not going to sing it.
I got a great idea. Why don't I show Imogen my record collection?
Then you can pick out a track. And I can dedicate it to you on the air.
This is perfect, come here. I keep everything upstairs.
Alfred, she is adorable. Get back to those potatoes.
-What song did my mom suggest? -Something personal and timeless.
-A classic. -So...
-"You Can Be My Bitch", by Master B? -The live version or radio edit?
Live, since he burns the stage down and starts a riot.
Nice. Very nice.
-How about "Endless Love"? -Doesn't one of them die in the end?
Good point.
-I've got it. -What?
A little soul is necessary in life.
Excuse me.
-Stick with the painting thing, please. -Sometimes you just got to loosen up.
Can't be an old man.
You rock!
You know, I taught her that.
All right, maybe I had to loosen up a little.
So I volunteered for her art project.
-This sucks. -Don't move an inch.
-You're really enjoying this, aren't you? -More than you know.
As you've heard many times before right here...
you're not prepared to cook vegetables unless you're prepared to pick them.
You don' t just ask anybody to dance. You ask the girl that looks good to you.
Now, what's wrong with this picture?
This lady has had a night of self-indulgence.
You don't take her home to your mom.
This is perfection. "P" for perfect.
No detergents smelling up her aroma.
No bruises shading her figure.
No, this is perfect. Wait! Where is Al?
Alfred?
There he is. Al, my son. Al, come out here. Come on.
Don't dawdle. These people have got places do go.
My son, Al, ladies and gentlemen.
He's going to be a chef too. He's so cute.
Feel that. You tell me, is that perfection?
Yeah, it's pretty ripe.
Al knows how to pick perfection. How do I know?
Because she's in the audience right now. And she is a tomato.
Imogen. I said it right this time. Stand up, honey.
Stand up. Come on. There she is.
-Say hello to your parents. -Hi.
-Did you pick perfection or what? -Yeah, dad. She's perfect for me.
When you're falling in love, sometimes one night makes it complete.
In our case, it was my birthday.
Imogen went all out.
"Find the other candle."
The other candle?
Happy birthday.
-You look... -You like?
-I like it a lot. -Good.
-Where are we? -I wanted this night to be special.
I wanted to share something that's important to me with you.
This is my favorite place in New York. I come here a lot...
if I'm feeling down or homesick, or if I just need a little inspiration.
This place has real soul.
It's not like those cheesy art galleries which have T-shirts and postcards.
This is why I want to be an artist.
Here, come on.
They're all so beautiful.
I don't know much about art. I kind of stopped with finger-painting.
But I like this...
...blurry one. -It's impressionistic.
It's not about how you see the world. It's how the artist sees it.
It's somehow completely personal.
What do you see in this?
-Morning? -Morning.
Well, yeah. See, because all the colors, the oranges and yellows...
it kinda reminds me of two people having eggs.
-I don' t know. -Do you see what the artist did...
with the way the colors blend with the light?
And the brush technique says something about the ambiance.
It sets a mood with its luminous tones...
and brilliant colors. It's really just a moment captured...
but in away that makes it feel...
alive.
You make me feel alive.
This is the best birthday I've ever had.
There's more upstairs.
I'm falling in love with you.
I love you.
-What about foreplay? -We've had it for 3 months. Relax.
It'll never be that fast again. I promise.
Look, I was really nervous that first night...
but I think I more than made up for it the second time.
He really did make up for it.
And the cake was a perfect encore.
She used to do the cutest things...
Like scratching my stomach when she wanted it in the morning.
Understandably, we'd have to keep our faces from each other.
Morning breath is a killer.
Of course, when he wanted it in the morning he wasn't so subtle.
-But those were the best days. -The honeymoon days...
-Where nothing mattered. -Nothing but us.
But it wouldn't be long before the year was over ...
-I was going to France that summer. -I told her it's only France, 3 months.
-It wouldn't be so bad. -I didn't want to leave.
I didn't want the year to end. It was the best year of my life.
I'm in love.
-Tingles and everything? -Yeah, tingles and everything.
Love is a hoax. Our emotions are all provoked by chemical reactions.
It creates this euphoria that makes you stupid.
It's all biochemistry. Trust me. It was my major.
I'm afraid it's true, Al. All romantics are simply addicts.
You guys just need to experience something of substance.
-Then you'll know my language. -Prove this love.
You speak of its power. Why not show us?
One of these is love, the other, illusion.
Drink each and choose, but choose wisely...
for there is no second chance.
You cannot have a test without a wager.
Point taken.
If you fail, you have to be an extra in the picture tomorrow night.
-And if I win? -Then I'll buy you...
...an all-you-can-eat sushi dinner. -I don't want all the sushi I can eat!
Trust me, you will. Now drink.
Chop-chop.
The second one.
-You're certain? -I'm positive.
This is love. You chose illusion.
I... I didn't. It's love, I know it.
Call us at 9 PM, baby. Be ready to shine.
There's a party in 4O6. Want to go?
I'm your friend so it's my duty to warn you.
Soon those tingles will disappear and you won't know what hit you.
Actually, I'm not going to be around tonight.
No? Why?
I promised Monk I'd be en extra in a film he's directing.
What?
I promised Monk I'd be an extra in a film he's directing.
-You'll be an extra in a porno movie? -An epic. They reinvented the genre.
-You're not going... -No.
Besides, they're paying me fifty bucks.
You'd rather be on a movie set than...?
It's a battle scene and the regular extras are on strike.
I'm leaving for France in two weeks and instead of sleeping with me...
you'd rather be a day-player in some flick?
-It's an extra. It's a pay difference. -Fine. This way we have it.
You can decide if we eat it too.
Action!
Watching Monk prepare to lead his troops into battle, I kept wondering...
what was I doing? I chose this over Imogen?
All I wanted to do was see her.
To be with her.
When you have moments like that one...
you can't even imagine it won't stay that way.
Look at those two.
They can't keep their hands off each other.
I'll bet you they think they'll always be that happy.
I have some errands to run.
So Imogen ended up going to France for the summer.
Remember how I told her it was just France and three months?
It turns out that whole distance thing was a little harder than I thought.
Welcome back.
So, what do you think?
Very beefy, Eddie.
-What's with the Mullet cut? -This? It's pretty cool, right?
These are coming back.
They are, just you wait.
-Your eyes are open. -So?
-That's weird. -Is it? Let me see.
-That is weird. -Too weird.
Why? Don't you want to watch me, watch my eyes while I kiss you?
-Isn't it better with the eyes closed? -It depends on your mood, I guess.
-Stop. -Why?
-What? -I don't know.
-You like it? -I don't know, it's different.
This needs to go upstairs for approval.
So I'm in France for the summer. I've spent summer there since I was a kid.
I'm meeting my dad's relatives in Nice, clubbing with friends in Saint-Tropez.
I even took that funny-looking boat to Corsica. I was having so much fun.
Did I miss Al? Absolutely.
He was all I talked about with friends. Then my cousin Maeva asked me:
-And I said: "What?" -Married. Are you going to be married?
Of course not. I'm only nineteen years old.
So now I'm back and lying in his arms. It's so nice to back in those arms.
We're kissing and all I could think of was that word: married.
And I started getting really confused.
And my new room-mate only offered, well...
...other distractions. -Put this on. It's a doobie cap.
It, like, totally intensifies it.
Like, the pores in your head...
I don't know.
It just holds the smoke in your head for, like, a lot longer.
It's so right.
Thank you. I am so proud of you.
You did such a great job on the show.
Everybody loves you. You worked so hard.
You're going to be a senior.
So?
Don't you think you should get your butt into gear? You have a future.
I plan on going to the French Culinary Institute after I graduate.
That's a very smart move.
-I think I might have a smarter one. -What?
I think we should do a show together. Don't you think...
a father and son show would be a great hook?
-What is it? -You watch TV, right?
-What kind of shows do you watch? -Talk-shows.
Right, what else?
-Enjoy it. -"Cops".
So I say we do a reality cooking show.
Explain.
Are you sitting down? It's called "Cooks".
Now, imagine a truck, a big rig.
And it is stock piled with food and wines and spices.
We travel around the country, just you and me.
I do the driving. I call the shots.
We drive all over the country and we come to homes. Average homes.
Go! Go! Go!
At the homes we rush in and say: "We're going to make you dinner."
We use the exciting style of all those shows. Shaky camera and everything.
We've got a SWAT guy hold the mat gun point so they can't runaway.
While we're in the kitchen, we say: "What kind of meal would you like?"
-Chateaubriand? -And then we cook.
But while we're cooking, we teach.
-If we need something special... -Garlic!
...a meat, a fish, a cheese, everyone likes cheese... you got the truck.
It's bread!
Every week a new cuisine. Every week...
a new home. What do you think?
-Sounds like a winner, Dad. -What's wrong?
-Imogen. -No.
Things locked inside become cancer. Do you know what a cancer does?
Costs a lot of money to treat. I'm sorry. It's just...
she's been back awhile now and it's not the same.
It's all about growing up and growing together.
It's all about growing old and growing apart.
Excuse me. It takes work, Al. So, either you do the work or you get out.
That one's no good.
When guys drift from their loved ones they sometimes drift toward...
how should I put this? Less productive pursuits.
What's up?
Monk called. Having people over.
I got a mid-term in the morning.
-He left this for you. -You're lame, man.
Don't mess with these guns! Don't mess with them!
You may be pretty, buff. But you look a little bit like a Solid Gold dancer.
But my dad was right. You gotta do the work.
So, I thought a day in the country...
along with my famous smoked salmon would help turn things around.
Is this cheese fat-free, yo?
Rid yourself of this health curse. It'll only backfire in later days.
Yeah, eating habits are reflexive of, like, sexual technique.
So did you really smoke that fish yourself?
It's no big deal once you get the hang of all the steps.
Then maybe you could cook for me sometime.
That would be...
nice. What do you fancy?
Any kind of meat.
-Catch us if you can. -I'll be driving.
-No, you're a mess. -You're drunk.
-Plus I got the keys. -No, you don't.
Yes, you do.
"We should just sit here and wait."
Okay, relax. Somebody's bound to come along.
-We're in the middle of nowhere. -Don't worry. We're going to be okay.
-Don't be moody about it. -I'm not. Don't give that moody crap.
Don't even think about it.
It didn't take much to see the accident as a sign.
So while Monk was training to play Macbeth...
Imogen and I decided to start over.
-I cherish our walks in the park. -They are nice.
Makes me feel good about myself.
Your wounds from the crash have healed. But tell me...
are things well between you and Lady Imogen?
Very well, indeed.
Can you make a fair judgement? Is she forever?
Well, we're much more serious these days.
Enlighten me. I'm eager to hear the talk of mortals.
What's great is the sharing. She's really getting back into her art.
And she's really talented.
It's nice to accept each other's vices. She's cut down since the crash.
It's her outlet. I have my own.
And her work ethic is kicking in. Which is good for anyone.
We've...
spruced up our sex life.
Making it a little bit more exotic.
On Sundays I cook a nice dinner. We sit afterwards.
Sometimes we'll fool around on the kitchen table.
But usually it's me reading and her sketching.
Sure, we fight. One time, I finnaly beat her at Ping-Pong.
And she didn't even high-fived me. Maybe I was being a sore winner.
And that's when the making up feels best.
-And you know what comes then? -What?
The tingles.
-It's an enchanting tale. -It's true.
You realize, of course, that this could be your descent into timely separation.
-How? -Like a ripe fruit...
it falls from the tree. And that is nature's course.
I don't know what Monk was talking about.
I thought things were going pretty good.
In the morning.
-Why? -Because I'm tired.
Are they ever going to shut up?
It's Friday night. People are out.
Wait up. I just took a dump in my pants.
Hello? We're closed!
-It's what I wanna... -Because...
-I've already got smell-o-vision. -You must be a mom.
Welcome back to "The Man Show". Tonight's topic:
men who wear the skirts in their relationship.
Let me introduce you to our guest, Al Connely.
Al can't even get sex from his own girlfriend. Pathetic.
You're still in college, right? Only going out for a year.
-For a while. It's not every night. -What are you studying there?
Liberal arts. But I want to be a chef.
I see. So you're bi, but you eventually wanna go gay. Very ambitious.
-What kind of chef you wanna be? -French cuisine.
French cuisine?
Cuisine? First of all, it's food, all right?
That's your problem right there. You're not much of a guy, Al.
No, I'm trying to respect her.
Al, can l... by the way, can I call you Alice?
Let me tell you what women respect: not being respected. Right, Jimmy?
Let's go to the audience, see if they have any questions. You.
Al, could you cross your legs for me? Your panties are starting to show.
What a nightmare.
Remind me to cancel cable.
Who can sleep now?
I didn't want him to feel rejected. But I had other things on my mind.
Thing she couldn't understand.
When you watch people go through this stuff on TV, it always seem fake.
But when it happens to you, there's nothing fake about it.
-I thought we were careful. -Oh, that's sincere.
-Why did you wait so long to tell me? -I was hoping it 'd come.
-But you're usually pretty regular. -You don't know, it's not your body!
-Relax. -I will not relax!
Let's just get it over with. We are here together.
We can do this together.
I'm sorry.
I just need to be by myself right now.
I'm sorry.
So there I was, smacked in the middle of every girl's nightmare.
I know it must have been just as hard for Al.
And he was so sincere when he said we can do this together.
But I just needed to be alone.
Who am I kidding? I needed to freak out.
Now, instead of the word "married" frightening me, it was "mother".
I was so terrified and nervous I asked Lana to read the results.
I think it's like, pink. That means "no", right?
The biggest relief I have ever felt in my life.
But after the false alarm, we started getting distant.
We were carrying more responsibilities than we could handle.
We just wanted to act our age.
Actually, I wanted to work things out. Al wanted to act our age.
What do college kids do when they can't handle reality?
Party! Party!
Al thought it 'd be better to go to one of Monk's parties and forget about us.
And I ended up going, but with a chip on my shoulder. A big one.
-Is everything in full swing here? -Yes.
No one goes hungry or thirsty. No one goes home alone.
Hello, darling. How are you? Have you tried the machine? Do try.
Here's where the beautiful people are hiding.
-How about a drink? -The bar's straight left, friend.
I've never seen your "Camelot" before.
Then see it from the king's eyes.
Don't worry, friend. I'll return her.
Does that feel good?
-Yes. -You want to go next, big boy?
So you're ready for another?
-Name, rank and serial number. -How goes it?
Tipsy goes it. Want some?
Is this love or illusion?
Burgundy.
Feel those endorphins?
I have more.
-What's this? -Don't you wanna make me pancakes?
But that's part of the challenge.
-Don't you get tired of doing press? -Yes, yes.
Quite, quite. But it sells pictures, sweetheart.
-Just make me pancakes. -I think...
And you can make them before...
or after.
I was reluctant to take the role.
Mr. Morrison! You've met Lady Imogen?
We know each other.
No one ever made me pancakes.
Cyrus.
I'm in love with someone else.
I can't make you anything.
When I'm with my bass...
It's like I'm with a woman. And when I play...
it's like we're spooning. But while we spoon...
we make music. That's why I play, man.
-That's cool. -There you are.
Name's Morrison. Jim...
...Morrison. -I'm sorry. This is...
Alfred Connely.
-So, what year are you? -Dropped out.
I felt like I had to focus my energy on my music.
-And I deal drugs on the side. -How productive.
Imogen tell you she's designing my album cover?
I didn't want to jinx it in case I felt pressured while I was working on it.
Yo, folks?
So I'm baking hash cakes over at Lana's, right?
And Imogen comes over, and so I start to hit on her because she's hot.
She tells me she's got this boyfriend or something, but I'm cool with that.
So then I asked her if I could see some of her paintings. They're so good.
-She's a very talented lady. -Yeah! So good!
I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll go with you.
Wait up.
So what's your deal, man?
-I work in TV. "Cops". -No way.
My old man is a cop. Real tough one.
Blew somebody away the other day right in front of me.
-You got some beer on your back. -So what?
Don't let that get you down, man.
Light my fire, moron.
What the hell is this about an album cover?
-So? -So? He just wants to ring your bell.
What about Cyrus's bell? You have naked pictures of her under your bed!
-And last week I saw you with her. -We're just friends.
-She's going through a bad time. -I'm sure.
Why the hell didn't you tell me about that lizard king's album cover?
So what? Are you afraid that I'm gonna do something without you?
-You're being a real bitch, you know! -You are an old man and I hate that!
And I hate you!
They don't understand me.
And I bet they don't get you either, huh?
I'm going to say something real important here.
This is definitely the best conversation I've had all night.
Look, Hicks, would you cut it out?
Hicks, cut it out.
Get your damn hands off of her.
Why can't I get a girlfriend like yours?
It's me. I'm downstairs.
I'm sorry.
I am.
-I have to tell you something. -What?
I slept with Jim last night.
Get the fuck out!
All right. Just, before you hate me, hear me out.
It was a horrible mistake. In one night I destroyed everything Al and I had.
And I was an absolute coward for it. But I just wanted my youth back.
There was no way to apologize after that. It was over.
I felt like there was only one thing I could do: leave.
Just go and start over. But I couldn't do that until I told him how I felt.
I just wish I had the courage to stay.
I used to sit in my room with my sketchpad...
whether it was at home or here...
and within a few seconds, I would be somewhere else.
And that was so special to me.
But...
for some reason...
I can't get to that place anymore.
I'm so sorry that I hurt you the way that I did.
I can't do this anymore.
I have, I need to go.
Ouch! That kind of sucked.
Anyway. After that, Imogen moved to San Francisco to finish school.
And me? How did I end up? Well, you'll see.
Graduation came and went.
You'd think I'd feel fulfilled, but I didn't.
I was starting to get down, so I went to Monk for advice.
-I need to talk. -Should I open with a joke?
-I can't even eat anymore. -There's too much base on my cheeks.
My regular make-up girl is free-lancing for Stallone.
He was giving a lecture about censorship and art.
And he wouldn't even listen to me.
Time to summon the blood, time to summon the blood.
We stopped being friends after that.
I found myself staying indoors, a lot.
One day, a little spider came down from the ceiling.
His name was Owen, he told me he'd lived in that apartment his whole life.
And that he'd never seen a tenant spend so much time alone.
He asked if I wanted him to spin a web over the door, so no one could get in.
I told him: "No, thanks".
Even though it sounded like the best idea yet.
But Owen the spider had a good point: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It's boring." So I decided to date again.
I only allow myself to have crabs on weekends. So thank God it's Friday.
Are you going to eat your bread?
He's cute and he didn't bring me to a cheap restaurant. Okay. Bye.
My dad. He just likes to check in.
State requires that I wear a tracking device or I violate my parole.
I know this is a little bit silly, but do I have any food in my teeth?
As you can see, my choices were limited.
So one day I bumped into Cyrus and we started having a fling.
Trouble is she had this thing about Barnes and Noble bookstores.
But I could never bring myself to make her pancakes.
I heard she went back to MIT.
So, I thought going to the Culinary Institute would turn my life around.
But food never tasted like it used to do.
I started cutting class.
I flunked the pop quiz on fish fileting.
And pretty soon I was a culinary drop-out.
With nothing else to do, I was forced to go bar-hopping with Hicks.
I'd sure like to unfold her napkin, you know?
-God, I'm feeling grabby tonight. -Last night wasn't enough?
I didn't arrive.
-You didn't arrive? -No, I was too wasted.
-Was she older or younger? -Sixty.
-You slept with a 6O-year old woman? -When you work in physical therapy...
...you make friends fast. -My God.
-I'm not interested anymore... -No way!
It's just what I need.
-The economy catch. -It was your idea, damn it!
She's with a guy.
-But they are fighting, Al. -Go!
They are fighting.
'Sup?'sup?
You want some of this?
Get the hell out of here!
I had moved into my own little studio.
I stood there wondering where she was at that moment...
what she was doing. How did her hair look?
I just wanted to see her again.
I'd saved all these things from our past.
Letters, tapes we made to each other, pictures.
I just wanted to look through it all again.
Remember it. Remember her.
When I was thru, instead of feeling like I could shake things off and move on...
I felt the opposite.
We can do silly things for love.
You wouldn't believe what I did.
Luckily he had a phenomenal amount of alcohol in his blood...
which kept the shampoo from circulating before we could get it out of him.
Shampoo?
We're gonna have a psych evaluate him. Maybe we'll get some answers.
-Can we see him? -Sure.
Come on. Shampoo?
-What did you do? -We were worried sick.
-Look what you put your mother through! -They want a psych to check you out.
Mom, Dad, stop.
I'm okay.
Yes, you are.
So why don't you tell us about this shampoo thing?
You drank the shampoo because you hoped you were immune to it?
-Right. -You hoped you were immune to it?
-The shampoo. -Why did you hope you were immune?
Because if I was immune to it then I wouldn't need it again ever.
-The shampoo? -No, her.
But you weren't immune to it. You needed to have your stomach pumped.
-That's what worries me. -When was the last time you saw her?
It's been a while. She moved out west to start over.
I found out she's working for a publishing company, doing artwork.
Have you had any girlfriends since?
That's my number. From the sound of all this, I think I found my next book.
-How are you feeling? -Pumping me with garlic and olive oil.
-What are you going to do next? -I was thinking about...
giving Paul John Breslin at Oceana a call.
Oceana? He's a Mussolini. Why not just go dry dishes somewhere?
-You don't need that. -Dad, I do need that.
I wasn't going to tell you this until you were better.
You know our show, "Cooks"? It's been approved.
We can do it the way we talked about it.
Dad, I kinda wanna work my way up. "Cooks" is your thing.
You know, sometimes I don't even know if you're making sense.
Dad.
I know what I need to do.
I was thinking about having this party for you, for the show.
Maybe we should have it anyway.
You can invite all your friends. We'll have fun.
No shampoo.
-Excellent choice. -I knew you'd approve.
-Always. -Remember the first time we heard it?
I do.
I would like you to meet Emma.
Sorry we didn't meet at the club, but I was busy looking to take Eddie home.
We had ice-cream and he listened to my problems...
and then we fell asleep in each other's arms.
We...
kind of hit it off.
-That's really cool. -Shit.
We're going to miss Shark Week.
She loves the Discovery Channel. What can I tell you?
-Let's take a cab, okay? -No, subway is faster.
I'm not good with open wounds.
You were always my Lancelot.
I was just never your king.
A lot of good moments in that park down there.
How is the Renaissance?
It's good. My new book is out next month.
I'm doing the university lecture tour thing.
The movies are always there, always making money.
But I'd only admit this to you. I miss the tingles.
I heard a rumor you tried to...
end it.
I tried to get my life back through a...
romantic exorcism.
It's not the meaning of life, Alfred. It's the feeling of life.
Look at that park down there.
Just think how many loves lost and found in it.
How many first kisses kissed. Frisbees lost.
And just remember...
that's your park, friend.
And you've got your whole life to walk through it.
I was in town so I called you at your old number. It was disconnected.
-I moved. -I know. I called your parents.
They filled me in.
San Francisco seems to agree with you.
You even have a tinge of Haigh-Ashbury.
It's kinda hard to dodge that style when you live in the Haigh.
Must be nice, though. Having a job, doing what you love.
Sometimes I think it's silly.
But then when I go to the bookstores and I see the covers that I've done...
-I don't know. It's kind of cool. -It's really cool.
I mean, they flew you out here for a book convention...
and put you up in a hotel for the whole weekend.
Sounds like you're doing really well.
So...
you're going to work in fish.
You know how I feel about fish.
-That one has a really nice view. -I've seen better.
Megan, sweetie, come on.
You know what my fear is?
-What? -One day we'll pass on the street...
...and have an artificial conversation. -That's the worst.
So, you're going home tomorrow?
Actually, today. My flight is in two hours.
The sun will be up soon.
I can't believe we spent the whole night walking around.
-This looks familiar. -I try to avoid this corner.
Let's go over there. It'll help you overcome your demons.
-Now you're the therapist again. -And you're the patient again.
As always.
So can I psychoanalyze you?
Sure.
Post-collegiate years: half-empty or half-full?
-Half-empty. -I'd have to go with half-empty too.
Greatest accomplishment since I last saw you?
Making friends with a spider.
-Vices? -Shampoo.
Was that rumor true?
It's open to interpretation.
What are your vices?
-It's supposed to be about you, not me. -It's been about you a little bit.
-The sun's going to come up soon. -Don't change the subject.
You.
You mean that?
I should go.
I really should go. My flight's in...
I've gotta go to my hotel and get my bags, and I'm gonna be late.
Will I see you again?
Just open it after I leave.
How can this work?
I don't know.
-But we've come this far. -I thought we met too young.
But in starting over we could get some place different.
Some place we never imagined.
Al was right. We met too young.
But Imogen was right. We could start over.
-Starting over meant making choices. -So I made one.
I got a job at a four-star restaurant...
in San Francisco.
-Now... -I'm home.
I had one thing left to prove.
"Why are you walking around in the dark? Go turn on the lights."