Women, they're one of life's great mysteries.
For some guys, women are like a big jigsaw puzzle of pieces that just don't fit.
They think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley,
and more tangled than a telephone cord,
and colder than an Eskimo pie in Anchorage.
But those guys don't even have a clue.
When you know women the way I do, you know exactly what makes 'em tick,
what makes 'em hum, what makes 'em jiggle up and down when they walk.
There are two kinds of women, and I've known 'em both.
One'll take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt.
- The other kind is always... - Gee! Knock off the chatter.
I'm just trying to keep you awake.
I'm awake. Why the hell d'you come up with all that crap about women?
It's true. Women are an open book.
You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches.
- Are you kiddin'? - I would stake my career on it.
Anybody ever proves me wrong, I'll throw in my badge.
Damn, I hate stakeouts. What makes you think that lowlife crook will show up here?
Logic. He knocked off all those banks. He's got cash. He's gonna wanna spend it.
This is one of the few places that still takes cash.
How will we recognise this scumbag?
The Support Hose Bandit? You see him, you'll know him.
These are the best damn nachos outside of Detroit, Michigan.
I'm gonna go get some more.
Got a light?
Sure.
How about a match?
No, thanks. I have plenty.
You really are incredibly stupid, aren't you? I like that in a man.
I'd be insulted, but I know you're serious.
- You sound so sure of yourself. - I don't look as dumb as I am.
- Let me buy you a drink, Mr...? - Ravine. Ned Ravine, and I'm on duty.
- Brain surgeon? - Cop.
- Bet you have a big gun. - Well, you lose.
Well, if I can't buy you a drink, how about one of those?
- Who can say no to a wiener? - Not me.
Two dogs, hot.
You got it.
You come here often?
Only when I'm... in heat.
I'm terribly sorry.
Let me just...
- Where are you going? - To get something to wipe that off.
- You were doing just fine. - I'll get you a wet paper towel.
- Hold it right there, Milo. - Look out! He's got a weenie.
Do you mind?
Hey! Outta the car! Outta the car! And leave the key!
Police emergency. I need your vehicle.
Hey! Hey! I'm driving here! I'm driving here!
All right! Pull it over. Last warning! Pull it over!
- Don't be a fool. Give yourself up. - You'll never take me alive!
Stop your vehicle and get out of the car!
Arch!
Freeze, Milo!
I hate that!
What the...?
You're probably not familiar with the theory of inverse explosive dynamics.
- What about it? - If you fire with the barrel obstructed
the explosive force multiplies by 23.598, reverses on itself with a diametric polarity.
Yeah? So?
So that gun will blow up in your hand, Milo. I won't even scorch my pinky.
Ha! That's just theoretical hypothesis. Inverse explosive dynamics
has never been proven conclusively in a laboratory environment.
Pull the trigger, smart guy.
Let's find out.
"You have the right to remain silent." Next.
"If you waive that right, anything you say..." Next.
"may be used against you in a court of law." Next.
"You have the right to an attorney."
- Do you have an attorney? - Nah.
I guess today is your lucky day.
"Ned Ravine. Defence Attorney."
Baby.
- How was that, baby? - Not bad for an auto mechanic.
You're not so bad yourself, for a lawyer's wife.
You'd better watch your tongue, baby, or I'll have my husband arrest you.
Busy man. Cop and a lawyer.
- When does he ever find time for you? - He doesn't.
That's why I need you to keep my engine tuned.
Why drive a jalopy when you can have a hot rod?
Well, maybe you should trade him in on a new model.
I would if I could make any money on the deal.
Wanna go for another test-drive?
Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm still under warranty.
Good morning, sweetheart.
- You want some coffee? - No, thanks. I gotta run.
Frank here was just grabbing a little before getting back to work on my car.
How long you been working on Lana's Mercedes?
- I don't know. Six, seven weeks. - You still haven't found a problem?
- Think I got my finger on it, though. - See, I know what he's doin'.
He's not fixing your car, honey. He's screwing you.
You are screwin' my wife.
I can see what your game is, Frank.
You open up the hood, you poke around, you play around with all the parts.
You squirt some lubrication in.
And you take some old, used piston, and you stick it in, and you pull it out.
In, out, in, out, in, out. There's no end to it. You just keep comin' and comin'.
And the bills get bigger. You're not getting away with it, cos you're fired.
Ned, don't you have to be somewhere?
I'm late for court. You're so naive.
You don't see the evil in people like him.
You, finish your coffee and get out.
Who's that?
It's just the postman. He always rings twice.
Now, let's see here. Manson appeal. Bundy appeal. Dahmer appeal.
- Laura, do you know where the...? - Here.
The judge decided to skip the arraignment and take Milo direct to trial.
I suggest you try Lemming versus Florida, 1956,
where the guy jumped in the water and everybody followed.
That's a good idea.
I better get goin'.
I don't know what I'd do without you, Laura.
Really?
- How long have you worked for me? - 2 years, 7 months, 23 days, 19 hours,
6 minutes and 52 seconds.
When was the last time I gave you a raise?
Never.
That's OK. I don't need a raise.
In fact, I was thinking of giving you a rebate on my salary.
No, that's OK.
You keep it.
Did we forget something, sweetheart?
No! No! No!
Laura, what is it?
I just get a little claustrophobic in the bathroom.
Maybe you should try some prune juice.
Wear the blue one.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you,
does this look like the face of a crook?
Of course it does. But my client's guilt or innocence is not the issue here today.
Because I'm certain that every member of this jury can see that that man is guilty.
- I can't. - Too bad.
As for the rest of you, I want you to put yourself in his shoes.
See the world through his eyes.
See the world the way he sees it.
Things don't look the same. They're fuzzy. They're frightening.
Milo Crumley's not the perpetrator here today.
He's the victim of tragically difficult economic times.
He can't support a family.
Look at them.
He can't even support his own face.
You cannot chew gum in my courtroom unless you have enough for all of us.
Yeah, I got enough.
And so, desperate and broke, Milo went to 11 savings and loans,
and he did what any of you would have done.
He stole back the money the S&Ls had stolen from him!
- I waited. You never came back. - I got busy.
Here's that wet paper towel I promised.
Thanks.
How did you get in? The door was locked.
It's miraculous what a real woman can do with a bobby pin.
- Cigarette? - No, thanks. They're bad for you.
Yes, I know.
I like things that are bad for me.
So, I hear you go both ways.
Only once.
It was a fraternity prank.
I never saw him again.
No, I mean you're a cop and a lawyer.
Lot of scum out there on the streets.
They all deserve a fair and costly trial.
I'll get that.
- Laura, this is... - Lola Cain.
So lovely to meet you.
Likewise.
Better get these books in the right place, if we're ever going to find the ones we need.
F through U.
- It's getting late. - C through K.
- I'll give you a ride home, Ned? - I have my own car. Thanks.
- I'll tow you. - Not today.
No need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's see. PDQ through ASAP.
Pu through Po.
- I should call someone to fix this. - Tomorrow.
- I'll call from home. - LBJ through JFK.
- FBl through CIA. - Bye.
- WD40 through... - I think I should warn you, Mr Ravine.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Try these on.
What can I do for you?
I've run across some papers,
and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are.
You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to papers.
Well, I'll help you, Miss Cain, if I'm able.
- Do you have the papers here? - No, they're at home.
I thought you might come by.
I'm on duty tonight.
- Don't they give you a night off? - Of course.
Christmas. Columbus Day.
Groundhog Day. Doris Day. And tomorrow.
Why don't we meet tomorrow evening, then?
- I'll let you know where. - What's wrong with my office?
Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix.
Take care of this for me, will ya?
- Where is he? - On duty.
By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow.
I was just reading over my husband's insurance policy.
You wouldn't know anything about insurance? Would you, Frankie?
Yeah. As a matter of fact, I sell policies.
Part time. I got half a brain, or didn't you notice?
I must have had my eye on something else.
So, how about a translation?
- I'd like one of those. - I'll bet you would. Read.
It's a standard accident policy. All the usual stuff.
The face value is... three million bucks.
- And there's a triple-indemnity rider. - Meaning?
If a policy holder dies under specific conditions,
it pays off three times the face value of the policy.
- Nine million dollars? - Yeah, but it's a sure bet for the company.
- Nobody ever collects. - Why not?
Well, it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol,
falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a freshwater stream.
Could happen.
- Suppose it did happen? - Then you'd be rich.
Then we'd be rich, Frank.
What are you saying?
We're gonna kill the son of a bitch. And I know exactly how.
He has a symposium this weekend in Santa Barbara.
We'll get him to take the train instead of driving.
- Didn't you tell me he hates trains? - That's where you come in.
You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work.
That should be no problem for you.
First, we give him a lift to the train station.
Through Dealey Plaza, past the book suppository, and around the grassy knoll.
Isn't that out of our way?
Stay with me, Frank.
Get out of the way, Frank.
Here's the plan. Ten minutes out of the station,
he'll be standing in the vestibule between the cars trying to avoid a panic attack.
14 minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the San Ynez River.
So, at 13 minutes and 54 seconds,
I shoot him, shove him out the door, he hits the river and drowns.
Bingo. Triple play.
We're rich.
You've been thinking about this a long time.
No. It just came to me.
I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train
plunging into a long, dark tunnel.
Ooop!
A guy can spend too much time on the job and not enough on his wife.
So I knocked off early and headed home to Lana.
She'd been feeling abandoned lately. Sleeping alone in that big, empty house.
I knew what she wanted was to have a baby.
So there'd be someone around to talk to and clean up after.
When you're a cop, you see it all.
And I knew exactly how babies were made.
It had been a long time since I'd felt the soft caress of a hand on my cheek.
Well, the rest would have to wait till morning.
Aw, shit!
Happy birthday, this morning, from Chico, California -
which is right next to Harpo and Groucho - we have Refa Dee...
And we wish her a very, very...
Just go.
Go.
Come on! Think strong.
Damn birds.
Long hours and no sleep were startin' to take their toll.
I couldn't get Lola outta my thoughts.
A woman who doesn't wear panties sticks in your mind,
like peanut butter sticks to your mouth,
or toilet paper sticks to the bottom of a shoe.
But was she real or just a figment of my imagination?
My God, Ned, you look like you were hit by a bus.
I was. Check my insurance policy, will you? Make sure it's paid up.
Good idea. You can never have too much insurance.
Especially since Max Shady is getting out of jail tomorrow.
Is it seven years already?
I had a perfect record till Max came along. It's the only case that I ever lost.
If he hadn't strangled the bailiff, you would have won.
Prison probably did him a lot of good.
Sure he made friends, got a chance to read all the books he never had time for.
Which one? Which one? Which one?
Ned, you're dealing with a violent man.
- The blue one. - I read the court transcript.
When they announced the verdict, Max Shady spit in your face.
He was spitting at the judge, the American justice system.
He wasn't spitting at me. I just happened to be in the way.
But what if he still harbours some deep resentment towards you?
You could be in real danger.
What's that?
Your insurance file.
The policy's missing. Wait. Maybe it's in my desk.
You take such good care of me, Laura.
The luckiest guy in the world is gonna be the guy who becomes your husband.
Fix the towels!
Laura!
You can't swim!
No! No! No!
Laura, are you all right?
That was a very long flashback you had.
I'm sorry.
Gosh, I'm... I'm just a little premenstrual.
My gosh.
That Lola Cain person stopped by. She left this.
"Meet me at Le Hot Club. No air conditioning - and proud of it!"
"7:30. Lola."
"5810 Fountain Avenue, Los Angeles, California, 90028."
"555-5555."
You asked me to save this for you.
Gee, thanks.
You know, you smoke too much.
- Sure is hot tonight. - Is it?
What are they lookin' at?
Lot of them have tried that seat before. You're the first one that's lasted this long.
- I feel honoured. - Don't. It's broken.
Gimme a glass of water.
Here you go.
So, d'you bring those papers?
No. I thought you might come over to my place.
- I'll drive you. - I brought my own car.
I'll follow you, then.
This might sound silly, but would you leave first?
I come here a lot and I wouldn't want them to think I'm easy.
A slut, who'll jump into bed at the drop of a hat. If you leave first...
They'll think I'm a putz for passin' up a sure thing.
Funny thing about women, they'll do anything to keep up appearances.
Take Lola Cain. She'd rather look like a hard case with bloody knuckles
than a soft touch with a soiled reputation.
Still, I had to admit, there was somethin' about her that made me sweat bullets.
And no matter what I did, I couldn't cool down.
She was living pretty upscale for a dame with no visible means of support.
But with a body like hers, no support was necessary.
So, here we are.
In the dark.
I have the clapper.
You what?
This way, Mr Ravine.
You can wait in my bedroom while I find those papers.
Papers, papers...
"Kamikaze Kama Sutra. Encyclopedia of Dangerous Sexual Positions."
Holy smokes.
Mr Ravine.
That's it? These are the papers?
Yes, they're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are?
This one's a laundry receipt, and the other's an expired lottery ticket.
No, you keep them, as a memento of our time together.
I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done?
Cash would be nice.
- Isn't there some other way? - I suppose you could wash my car.
No. I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something else I could give you?
Slow down. There's a speed limit in this state - 65 miles an hour.
- How fast was I going, Officer? - About 123.
Suppose you pull me over and frisk me?
Suppose I let you off with a warning?
Suppose I find a cop with a bigger night stick?
Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts?
Suppose you handcuff me to the bed?
Suppose I do and then we lose the key?
And while I'm gone to get a duplicate, this house catches on fire?
I can't save you cos the bridge is washed out.
So you die a horrible death, toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit.
- Would you like that? - I'd love it.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am.
You're not so tough. Last chance.
No, thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home.
What's the matter? Don't you want me?
It's my face, isn't it? It's the way I look.
Don't forget to lock up.
Oooh.
I knew you'd come back.
I forgot my car keys.
That's not why you came back.
Yes, it is.
You came back for this.
This is so different.
Don't. Don't.
Don't stop, Ned.
Flip it! Flip it! Flip it!
- Flipping! I'm flipping! - Double dip it!!
Babaloo!
- That's "Madame Butterfly", isn't it? - Iron Butterfly, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".
It's tells the sad story
of a woman who's rejected by her lover after a brief but torrid affair.
So she stalks him with an ice pick
and stabs him more than a thousand times.
I never could understand those lyrics.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
You know, what happened last night, it was very...
Yes, it was.
I should check on my homeowner's insurance.
Yeah. Just can't ever let that happen again.
What are you saying, Ned?
That you're rejecting me, your lover, after a brief but torrid affair?
No, no.
I wouldn't put it exactly like that.
You know, I'm married to a wonderful woman, who is very, very attractive.
Not that you aren't very attractive.
You aren't very attractive.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't touch that!
Ya bond with it, ya buy it! Whaddaya want?
You know, a little gift... for the wife.
Most guys fool around, they buy flowers! You, you wanna buy a live animal?
- Whaddaya drivin' at? - Look at yourself! Look at you!
I have seen gigolo pants before, buster.
Humma, humma, humma!
Shut up!
Humma.
Shady.
It's what you've been waiting for. You're free.
Do you have a statement?
Back off.
What's the first thing you'll do now?
Find Ned Ravine. I'm gonna rip his head off.
I'm gonna put this thumb in his mouth, these two fingers in his eyes,
and use his head for a friggin' bowlin' ball.
- Are you a good bowler? - You ever bowled a 300 game?
Aren't you wearing one of Ravine's suits?
The bastard gave it to me as a gift to make up for losing my case.
Now I'm gonna wear it to his friggin' funeral.
- How come we gotta m...? - Shh. Sit down.
- How come we gotta meet here? - We have to be careful now.
We can't risk being seen together at the house.
Someone might connect us to the murder, later on.
Here. Put this on.
Speak Yiddish.
I been thinkin'... maybe this plan is too complicated.
Quit worrying. The plan is perfect.
Yeah, but we gotta get him on the train, shoot him... then push him in the river.
We're going to be in big trouble. They're going to catch us.
There's very little risk involved.
Statistics reveal that less than 32?% of all murderers are ever apprehended.
- You speak Yiddish? - No.
But I can read the subtitles.
- Gee, you shouldn't have. - I didn't. It's for my wife.
She called. Wondered why you never came home last night.
I told her you were working with a client. Undercover.
Were you?
- What? - There's lipstick on your collar.
- No, there isn't. - No. But you answered my question.
- She's a real looker? - Who?
Lola Cain.
Hadn't noticed.
Yeah. I noticed how you hadn't noticed.
That's all right. She noticed enough for both of us.
I worry about you, Ned.
Max Shady's been faxing death threats to you all morning.
"Stick a knife in you... The eyeballs... Razor-sharp spikes..."
- D'you get to...? - "Cut it off. Shove it in a blender."
- That one. - He's just getting it out of his system.
- Ned. - Laura.
Wait!
- It might be him. - Where did you get that?
- From my purse. - Put the gun away.
Flowers for Mr Ned Ravine.
Hey, aren't you that lawyer guy? Man. You're dead meat.
Is this another sick joke from Max Shady?
- Ach. - What is it?
Lola Cain. I'll put these in water for you.
So, what happened to you last night?
Why? What have you heard?
You could at least have called.
But I suppose you were tied up.
Only part of the time.
I never know when you're coming home, Ned. How can I ever make any plans?
Honey, I know.
It's been rough for you just being alone so much.
You know, maybe we should try again.
Have a baby.
So, what's in the box?
The box.
- Did I get you a present? - You did?
Yeah.
What is it?
- It's sorta like a cat. - It's not enough like a cat, Ned.
It's a skunk, honey. I got it at Birds and Skunks "R" Us.
You shouldn't have. And I really mean that.
- So what you gonna name him? - How about Ned?
I like that. You know I always loved the name Ned.
You're kidding?
So, whaddaya think?
You love Ned Junior as much as you love me?
At least. Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Frank, is that you?
Frank, I told you never to call here.
Who's Frank?
Frank?
Only Frank I know is an auto mechanic. I wouldn't recommend that guy. I gotta go.
Why are you running from me, Ned?
Didn't it mean anything to you - buffing my buns with carnauba wax?
Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr Pokey wanna go exploring?
Mr Pokey is busy right now.
Besides, he belongs to my wife.
- Today's your birthday? - It's not important.
I'm gonna take you out.
It's no big deal. I'll have another one.
No, I insist. I'll get you a nice present.
You are so sweet. You don't have to do that. You gave me a present last year.
- Remember these lovely Ginsu knives? - Aren't they great?
Let's go shoppin'. Let me buy you a new hat.
d Hey, where did we go
d Days when the rains came?
d Down in the hollow
d Playin' a new game
d Laughing and running, hey, hey
d Skipping and jumping
d In the misty morning fog with our hearts thumpin'
d And you, my brown-eyed girl
d You, my brown-eyed girl
d Do you remember when we used to sing
d Sha-la la la-la la-la la-la la la-te-da
d Just like that
d Sha-la la la-la la-la la-la la la-te-da
d La-te-da
d Sha-la la la-la la-la la-la la la-te-da
d Just like that
d Sha-la la la-la la-la la-la la la-te-da
d La-te-da
d Sha-la la la-la la-la la-la la la-te-da
I wonder what he's thinking when he has that goofy smile.
Boy, does she look stupid in that hat.
If I told him how I really feel, he'd probably fire me.
What am I saying? He probably doesn't even know I exist.
Laura's incredible. And so smart.
I wonder if she's smart enough to know that that was Lola's lipstick on my collar?
And that we spent the night bumpin' ugly and knocking boots?
Maybe I should dress more like Lola Cain. Then he'd notice me.
If I came in wearing no panties, no bra and a wet T-shirt, then...
Maybe she hasn't found the right...
- I'm sorry. - I was just rambling.
- Go ahead. - No, really. You first.
I insist.
- I wanted to remind you about... - The symposium.
- In Santa Barbara. - Tomorrow.
How to sue your loved ones.
I'm driving up in the morning.
He's so gorgeous. Golly. I'm having that fantasy again.
I'm in the shower. He comes in. The Mambo King, naked.
He puts his arms around me. He kisses me.
And then he reaches out with his strong, powerful hand and he touches my...
Does your wife know you're... working late,
Mr Ravine?
It's all taken care of. When do I knock?
Wait until I signal you. When I raise the blinds, you knock. Watch.
Shh. Not now.
- You raise the blinds, I knock. - Yes. Go on.
All right.
Let's see. I raise the blinds, you knock.
- Honey, what's wrong? - This neighbourhood.
Getting worse all the time. Kids stole my engine again.
Why don't you take the train? It leaves in 20 minutes.
- I'll just fly up. - No!
I mean, you can't. Armed terrorists seized the airport this morning.
A plane crashed into the tower. All the runways are on fire.
- Damn it. - Honey, why don't you take the train?
- You know how I feel about riding trains. - Sweetie, it's just a short trip.
Yeah, it is a short trip.
Just a short trip to hell in a metal tomb.
Sweetheart, just because both of your parents died in a train wreck.
- And my two sisters. - And your brother Morty.
My best friend, Al. My dog, Woof, and my uncle Lionel. All killed by trains.
Coincidence.
Do you honestly think that you can bring them back by not riding on a train?
No.
I can't bring 'em back. I'll call a cab.
- You're sure now? - Yeah.
It's OK, cos we'll never make it to the station by the time a cab gets here.
Come in.
Hi. I was in the neighbourhood. Thought I'd stop by and pick up my tools.
Well, say. Frank can drive you.
- Can't you, Frank? - Sure, I'll take you to the train station.
12 minutes. We'll never make it.
We'll make it, baby.
Aw, no. A detour!
- We're not gonna make it. - We'll make it.
OK. Tell me what you're gonna do if you feel queasy going through the tunnel.
I know, I know. Stand in the vestibule between the cars.
Vestibule.
- Vestibule. - Vestibule, vestibule.
Did you... stick your tongue in my mouth?
Thanks.
All aboard!
Come here.
Tickets, please.
Tickets!
Ticket? Thank you.
There you go.
Sorry, pal. Automatic weapons are only allowed in the club car after 9pm.
We'll check it in baggage. Claim it when you get to the depot in Santa Barbara.
Hi! Do you know, if you put a penny on the track it'll make the train crash?
- God. - You'd better get up to the next car.
Give me the high sign as soon as you see the river.
Ever been in a wreck? People get mashed and crushed and ripped to pieces.
Hey, what's the matter, mister? You look hot. Want me to cool you off?
The best train wrecks are in tunnels.
Heads ripped off, bloody guts hanging out everywhere.
Boy. Here comes a tunnel.
Hey, maybe we'll crash.
- Vestibule. - Where are you goin', mister?
Way to go, Ned. Right on time.
Thank you. Weapons?
Weapons? Automatic weapons? I'll take that.
Lana, you risked your life to save mine.
I can't ask any more from a woman than that.
But I saw you shoot him, Lana, in cold blood.
I got to arrest you for murder.
Ned, you wouldn't.
I'm sorry. I'm a cop. I got a job to do.
"Cop arrests wife for murder. Will defend her in court."
Neddy! Daddy's got Skunky Treats!
Neddy?
- No! - Yes.
- No. - Yes.
No!
Yes, linguini pomodoro, with basil.
Pasta with tomato sauce. What's the matter? Don't you like Italian?
Where is Ned Junior?
I thought he might like to get out. So I took him to the amusement park.
Now, you don't break into my house, cook my food, and borrow my skunk.
Now, you stay out of my face, out of my neighbourhood, out of my life!
You haven't seen the last of me, Ned Ravine.
Told you.
How do you like sleeping with a murderess?
Better than sleeping with a ninja turtle.
It's the hottest ticket in town,
as people swarm in to witness the courtroom battle of the century.
Now, let's go up to the booth for the play-by-play and Bob Uecker.
What a great day for a trial.
We have lots of incandescent lighting, a temperature of 72 degrees inside.
The wind should not be a factor, unless somebody cuts one.
It's the State of California versus Lana Ravine.
Two equally matched opponents. This oughta be a beauty.
Oy vey. Oy vey. Superior Court of Los Angeles is now in session.
And here he is, direct from a one-week engagement in Las Vegas Circuit Court,
the honourable, the venerable, the totally irrepressible, Judge Harlan Skanky!
You may sit down.
Wow! Has this defence team been hot! 37 straight victories this year.
- Let's go down for the coin toss. - Tails.
And the prosecution wins the flip of the coin and elects to kick things off.
And, therefore, the prosecution will prove
that this... repulsive and degenerate woman
brutally murdered a decent, law-abiding citizen.
The defence will prove these allegations are irresponsible caca-doody pooh-pooh.
So noted.
Miss Lincolnberry, can you tell us what this is?
That is one of the many death threats that Max Shady faxed to you
the day that he was released from prison.
A fax,
in which he threatened to puree certain parts of my anatomy... in a blender.
I object! There's no need to deal with the fax in this case.
I'll allow it.
Will the clerk place this into evidence?
I got it! I go...
What is your occupation?
I've been the conductor on the R&R Railroad for 25 years,
and I'm very, very proud of it.
And is this the blender you found in the lavatory of the train?
Yes, it is.
I'd like this marked as evidence.
Mine!
Bad call by Ravine! Let's go to the replay.
Look at that. The bailiff is wide open.
But instead of handing it off, Ravine goes for the long bomb. It's way wide!
- That blender is gone! - Recess! Ten minutes.
There you go.
All right, recess is over. Let's go!
I love recess.
There they go, the UCLA marching b...
- You may continue, Mr Ravine. - The defence calls Lana Ravine.
Now, Mrs Ravine. May I call you Lana?
Please, call me Angel Tits.
- I object! - Sustained.
Counsellor, you will address Angel Tits as Mrs Ravine.
Mrs Ravine, will you please tell the court why you were on that train?
I saw Max Shady at the station. Saw him get on board.
I knew he'd threatened to kill you and... mutilate your reproductive organs.
So you followed him, knowing you had to protect me, your husband, best friend,
the man you love, the future father of your children?
- Something like that. - Then when you saw him in the vestibule,
waiting to pulverise my pee-pee,
you pulled the gun and fired, and fired, and fired.
And fired, and fired, and fired, and fired, and fired, and fired, and fired...
Ladies and gentlemen, how can you convict this courageous woman
who risked everything to save the life of her beloved husband?
A woman who acted boldly to stop a demented maniac...
from pulverising the private parts of the man she loves?
Lana Ravine is the potential mother of my potential child.
And I challenge you to strike a blow for motherhood.
Strike a blow for the American justice system.
Put the "can" back in American.
Put the "Jew" back in jurisprudence.
Put the "con" back in the Constitution.
And put the "dumb" back in freedom!
Ravine is hotter than a three-peckered billy goat! Can we say that?
The jury's back!
Mr Foreman?
- Has the jury reached a verdict? - Yes, we have.
How do you find on the count of manslaughter?
- Not guilty. - On the count of murder?
- Not guilty. - On the count of Monte Cristo?
Not guilty.
Court is adjourned.
Attention courtroom shoppers. All trial evidence now on sale.
40-60?% off all exhibits. Everything must go!
Ned.
Ever consider that maybe you don't know women as well as you think you do?
- What do you mean? - Your wife just bought her gun back.
The gun she used to kill a man.
That's the gun that saved my life.
I'm sure it has sentimental value.
Ooof! Aah!
Hey, Frankie. Long time no see.
Lana, baby, you beat the rap.
You were gonna let me rot in the slammer and never say a thing.
- And you know too much. - You're not gonna shoot me, baby.
You're right, Frank.
Maybe I'll just... screw you to death.
Now you're talkin'. Yeah.
Urgh.
- Hey, Arch. - Quentin.
You guys watch your step in here. There's a lotta blood.
- Lt Ravine. - Lopez, what have you got?
Looks like suicide, sir. I found this note.
It was stuck up his nose.
"I can't take it any more. I'm a mediocre mechanic and a lousy lover."
He sure got that right.
The mechanic part, I mean.
You know, I don't know why, Arch,
I just can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't suicide.
All right, come on. Knock it off.
On your feet.
Ned. This is Lola, um...
Um?
She told you her name was Um? And what other lies did she tell you?
I have never seen this woman in my life.
I never followed her home. I never had sex with her in her refrigerator.
This is a sick fantasy and I deny everything.
And when will women like you learn
you can't tear apart a perfectly good marriage with your vicious lies, Miss Um?
Actually, it's Smith. Lola Smith. I sell vacuum cleaners, Mr Ravine.
The big, powerful kind that suck up everything in sight.
I'm sorry. My God, look at that.
I was telling your wife, if she wants to get rid of her dirt,
she has to be willing to pay the price.
Please let me know what you decide.
I'm sure we can work out a convenient payment plan.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr Ravine. I'll just let myself out.
Bye now.
Who is it?
- I just wanna talk. - Why didn't you say so?
Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks. I'm drivin'. - Then let's get to the point.
So, what's your problem, tough guy?
You stay away from my wife, my life, my home, and my skunk!
I'm taking Lana on vacation. When I come back, I don't want to see your face again.
On vacation? She doesn't deserve a vacation!
She's a brat, a bad girl!
She always was. She always will be.
What are you talking about? You don't know anything about Lana.
I know everything about Lana.
How do you know? Who is she to you anyway?
- Who is she? - She's your wife, dummy.
- Who is she? - She's my sister.
- Who is she? - She's your wife.
You tell me who she is or I'll...
She's my sister! Your wife!
Sister! Wife! Sister! Wife!
Sister! Wife! Sister!
She's your wife and my sister.
She was spoiled rotten. She stole everything I ever had.
Everything. Including... him.
Him? Who, him?
Dwayne. The boys' gym teacher.
He was older, mature, strong.
He smelled like dirty sweat socks and old basketballs.
And he was all mine for a while.
But Lana wasn't satisfied with her own things.
She had to have mine too. And she took it all.
My make-up, my sweaters, my shoes, my underwear.
- You wore the same underwear? - We were identical twins.
Twins? What are you talking about? You two don't look anything alike.
Not any more.
That one's me. No, that one.
One day, I caught her stealing my fuchsia eye shadow,
and she smashed my face in with a shovel.
I had 53 operations. When the doctors were finished with me, I looked like this.
- I'm ugly. Ugly. - You're beautiful.
Don't lie to me. I look in the mirror. I can see.
He did a terrific job. What's the name of your doctor?
Butcher, Dr Sepulveda.
Beverly Hills, 90210.
- But you're gorgeous. - Tell that to Dwayne.
When he saw my face, he left me for her,
because she looked more like me than I did.
First she stole my looks, then she stole the only man who ever loved me.
But I found a way to get even. The best revenge possible.
Destroy her marriage.
That's why you did all this.
Seduce me. Harass me. The tapes, the flowers, the phone calls.
- You've been hangin' out with Dick Tracy. - No, it won't work. Lana loves me.
It doesn't matter. I'm blackmailing her for everything she's worth.
- Blackmail? - She murdered that auto mechanic.
I saw her do it.
Lana killed Frank Kelbo?
Kelbo? His name was Kelbo?
Yeah. Why? Did he burn you on car repairs too?
Dwayne's name was Kelbo. He had a son.
Frank Kelbo. God.
The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place.
And I didn't like the picture they were making.
If Lana really killed Frank Kelbo, then I had misjudged her by a mile.
Sure, he was a lousy mechanic.
But murder?
Lana?
Aspirin. I need an aspirin.
- I'm glad you're here. I've so much to say. - Come on in. I'll make some tea.
- Grab a chair. - Thanks. I brought my own.
- So, whaddaya got? - A lottery ticket and a laundry receipt.
I found them in that suit you wore the night you were working undercover.
You remember that night, don't you? And then it hit me.
"Lottery" starts with L-O. "Laundry" starts with L-A. L-O-L-A. Lola.
Don't sweat it. That's the way a woman's mind works.
We're outta tea. How about Ovaltine?
Fine. Then I remember you told me
a guy named Frank had been working on your wife's car for the past few months.
- You with me? - I'm way ahead of you.
Back it up. You probably took a wrong turn.
Remember the insurance policy? The one we couldn't find?
I started thinking "Who else had access to it, beside you and me?"
The answer came up. Lana.
And since she's a woman, it's probably hidden in the cookie jar.
Ha!
So that's where she hid the Oreos.
Ned, Lana wasn't trying to save your life when she shot Max Shady.
She and Frank were plotting to kill you and collect on your insurance policy.
She shot the wrong guy.
- This is so unbelievable. - And you haven't even heard my story.
You brat!
I could never eat Oreos that way, because whenever he saw any disorder,
he turned into a raging monster.
So, that's why I left him.
I just couldn't take it any more.
I'll get that.
That damn faucet keeps turning on all by itself.
I'll go check it.
I'll make the Ovaltine.
God.
Lola. Lola.
I'm sittin' in for Clarence. He had a gig in Washington.
Women are an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches.
Anybody ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away... throw away... throw away...
my badge.
Forget something, darling?
Aaargh!
You have the right to remain silent.
Ha! Whaddaya gonna do, Ned, blow me away?
Laura.
- Ned. - Laura.
Laura, you were so right.
There's a million things I don't know about women.
Maybe you could teach me a few?
Hell, I had too many careers anyway.
Ned. I love you.
I always loved you.
- Got 'em. - Hah!
I said I got 'em.
- What? - They're dead.
Gone. Kaput.
Sure I'll marry you, and next Tuesday'll be perfect.
OK, but I wanna have kids.
Great.
So maybe I was wrong.
Maybe women really are like a big jigsaw puzzle with pieces that just don't fit.
All I know is there's three things men can't possibly ever do.
Understand women. Give birth.
And programme the VCR.
- Giving birth is the easy one. - Ned?
Knock off the chatter, will you?