I don't know whether you've ever seen a map of a person's mind.
Doctors sometimes draw maps of other parts of you,
and your own map can become intensely interesting,
but catch them trying to draw a map of a child's mind,
which is not only confused, but keeps going round all the time.
There are zigzag lines on it, just like your temperature on a card,
and these are probably roads in the island,
for the Neverland is always more or less an island.
You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?
No, it's okay. It's fine.
Get off the beach, you stupid moron!
What's your problem?
What do you think you're doing, you clown?
Take it easy. Relax.
You're insane! Get that child off there!
- Right on! - Yeah!
- Do you want to get wet? - No! I don't want to!
You do. You love it.
Get off the windscreen, you horrible little bug.
I wouldn't be the first to say that life is a journey
that must be traveled no matter how bad the road.
When Artie's mother was alive, the place didn't look like this.
The house was just so much more welcoming.
Everywhere you turned, Katy was there,
in the smell of freshly-picked rosemary in the kitchen,
the tomatoes from the garden, the vase of flowers in the window.
We miss that now. We do miss that.
Stop washing your face? Are you crazy?
"...for Neverland is always more or less an island,
"with astonishing splashes of color here and there,
"and coral reefs and rakish-looking craft in the offing."
Do you want to try reading some of that yourself?
- Where, Mum? - Here.
"You could say of them
"that they have each other's noises..." Noise...
- Nose. - "...nose and so forth."
- That looks good, Mum. - I hope I've made enough.
- Katy, he's here. - Look, Artie, it's your long-lost father.
Daddy!
- Hello, stranger. - Hey, you.
- Daddy! - Hey, cheeky bum. Here's your pressie.
- Welcome home, mate. - Digby.
- Good copy. - You like the piece on Nadal?
- How was the old country? - Same old Wimbledon.
Strawberries with lashings of English rain.
- Hi. - Good to see you.
- Hiya, Barbara. - Hi.
You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble just for me.
As if.
- That got my name on it, Tom? - Branded it myself.
All right, kids, let's have an Olympic race. Line up here.
On your markies, get your car keys. Go!
- Go! - Come back for sunscreen
...when you're done. - Go, Eddie!
And so we lived happily ever after.
- Come on, now. - Gold, silver...
Now, you know that's not true, don't you?
Is this okay?
- You look great. - But?
- But what? - There was a "but" in your voice.
- You don't like it? - I do. It's just...
Just what?
Well, it's a little black number. What can I say?
What does that mean?
- I like this one. - For God's sake.
Are you saying you want me to change?
- No. - Then tell me you like this dress.
All right. I'll tell you I love the dress, but only on the strict understanding
that you know I'm not telling the truth, okay?
Just tell me what you think of the dress.
I love that dress. That dress is fantastic.
Thank you. At last.
It was very good. Very...
Just picture it.
- I just find it does capture it... - Sounds great.
But, you know, I think it would be fantastic...
Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. Hi.
Hi. How are you? How are you? We're just going to grab some air.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- What was that? - Oh, my God.
You just saved me from the most boring man ever.
My God, you're beautiful.
In a slightly spooky kind of way.
Katy?
These will be safer with you.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be silly.
- She'll be fine. I know she'll be fine. - How do you know?
Well, I know she won't let this defeat her.
- What, you know she's immortal? - No, I'm just saying...
Digby, she's sicker than shit.
The cancer has rooted in her bowel
and grown through her body like Russian vine.
She's got two tumors in her intestine, three in her liver,
which means it's probably spread to her lungs.
You don't have a clue what you're talking about.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, sweetheart. Gently.
Hey.
You know how Mummy's been getting more and more tired
because she's been so ill?
We think that soon, she's going to go into a very deep sleep.
A sleep so deep that we don't think she's ever going to wake up again.
We think she's going to die.
When?
Soon.
Will Mummy die by dinner time?
I don't know.
Will she die by bedtime?
I don't know, sweetheart. None of us knows.
Okay.
Katy?
I'm making Artie's lunch. The way he likes it.
It's the middle of the night.
What?
Artie's in bed, sweetheart. He's asleep.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
Did Mummy die last night?
Artie...
See? See? I told you. I told you.
What did you tell me?
I told you Mummy would die last night.
Oh, my baby. My baby.
My baby. My baby.
If you want to leave a message for Felicity or Harry,
please speak after the tone.
Flick, it's Joe. I guess it's about lunchtime there.
Listen, could you call me as soon as you get the...
Dad?
- Harry? - Hi.
I thought you'd be away at school.
Are you okay? What is it you wanted to tell Mum?
Katy passed away in the early hours of this morning.
I'm so sorry.
Could you tell your mother for me?
Of course.
Harry, can I call you back?
- Are you going to be okay? - Yeah, of course I am.
I love you.
I love you, too. I miss you, Daddy.
- Daddy? - Yes, sweetheart?
I want to die.
Do you?
- Why? - So I can be with Mummy.
Don't worry, Daddy. I'll stay down here with you for now.
Thanks.
- Take care. - I'll see you soon, all right?
Come on, Artie, let's get you into your jammies.
- Artie... - Bea, leave him alone.
Let him run around if he wants.
Do you really need that?
Well, at least you should try and eat something.
I can't do this.
Oh, God.
What's that you're drawing?
It's a man taking Mummy away on the tray, and here's a tree.
Dada! Guess what? Grandpa let me sit on the tractor.
Hey.
You want to go and get your things together?
- Why? - I thought we'd go away for a while,
...just you and me. - Where?
I don't know, a road trip.
- What will we do? - What do you want to do?
- Go to Splash Planet. - We'll see. Go and get your stuff.
- Is this a good idea? - I obviously think so.
Thanks for taking him.
- Where will you go? - I don't know yet.
Running away is never the answer, Joe.
Look, he sees me as someone who comes home after weeks away,
bringing presents.
We need to spend some time together.
- And afterwards? - Afterwards what?
Well, when you need to work, will you expect me to have him then?
- Not if you don't want to, no. - No, that's not what I'm saying.
Bea, I left my other boy when he was six to be with Katy.
I need to know how to talk to him.
I need to know how to comfort him if he needs it.
Look, this isn't about a week on the road, Joe.
I mean, this is not about sweets and treats and God knows what else.
This is about structure and routine and security.
I'm his father. It's my decision.
- I think you're making a big mistake. - Wouldn't be the first time.
Give Nana a kiss.
- Bye, Nana. - Bye-bye, darling.
Bye.
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight...
Can we get a car like that?
- A convertible? - One without a roof.
Why?
So Mummy can see me in the car and drop down messages to me.
Can we?
Hey. What are you doing? Stop it.
Artie. Stop it.
Artie. Stop it!
What is it? What's the matter? Are you hungry? Do you want a drink?
Talk to me, sweetheart. What is it?
We'll go to the shop, okay?
We'll go to the shop and I'll get you a juice and some crisps.
Yeah? Does that sound good?
Are you going to come in and help me choose?
I don't want orange juice.
What are you talking about? You always have orange.
I said I don't want orange juice.
Artie... Artie, it's all right. Look, there's crisps, okay?
You're hungry. Just eat some crisps.
Oh, for God's sake.
What can you do?
Pick him up. He's upset. Comfort him.
- Give him a cuddle. - He doesn't want me to.
- Rubbish. - Well, it's like he's having a fit.
You don't cuddle people when they're having a fit, do you?
- You're vile. - True.
I couldn't leave him like that. Talk to him.
The trouble is, it's not me he wants. It's you.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
That's all right.
What are you up to in there?
Artie?
Can I do it again, Daddy?
- Oh, my God. - Can I, Daddy? Can I?
Please, can I? Can I?
Yes.
Here goes!
Again! Again!
Hang on. Hang on. You need some more water.
Big splash coming up!
Artie?
Sweetheart...
I'm the king of the rock!
Welcome back, travelers.
I think it's a chocolate...
- Here you go, mate. - Thanks.
What's the second number?
Eat up, Daniel. Come on.
- He won't eat, Mummy. - Digby.
- Thanks, Miriam. - Okay. Back in a minute.
- Come on, bubby. Oh! - You're going to love this.
Excuse, darling.
It's our little feeding ritual. Come on, bubba.
There's some water in there.
Where's Daddy? Where is he? There he is.
Where's Daddy? Look! Open up. Whoa! Yeah!
Good boy. Good boy.
Oh! Look, Danny! What's Daddy doing? There he is.
Good boy.
One more spoonful. Good boy.
I've only got two pairs. I'm here.
- How many have you got, Jason? - Yeah!
"They didn't live in the trees, like we did. They made..."
It looks like he's doing okay, considering.
Yeah, but what chance does he stand now?
- He's got you. - That's what I mean.
Shouldn't the State intervene
and make sure a woman looks after little children?
Well, don't look at me.
I mean, I've got to do tricks on my lawnmower to get my child to eat.
What do I know?
Artie, come on. I can't be late.
Artie.
- Great. Let's go. - But I'm not dressed.
- I know. Why not? - Because I haven't got any clothes.
Well, look on the line.
- Can I have a Mars bar? - No, you bloody can't.
All we need now is to get you to undress
straight into the washing machine and the system will be faultless.
- Artie, eat your toast. - It's got crusts.
- What? - I don't like it when it's got crusts.
It's fine. Just eat it, okay?
You know what happens when you don't eat.
This is my kangaroo, Nibbles, and we rescue injured kangaroos,
and we keep him at home.
Mr. Warr, don't forget the parent meeting.
Sorry?
In the hall after school if you can make it.
And he eats kangaroo pellets, carrots,
and we sometimes give him treats.
And Nibbles sleeps in a pouch.
We're talking about our animals.
- Sit down here. - And when they are older,
they don't need a pouch.
- Can he borrow your kitty? - They go in a big yard.
And this one's still in a heated pouch.
All right. What about you, Lucy? You want to talk about Tinker?
Well, I learned to swim,
and she teached me and I done the doggy paddle.
All right. Your turn, Johnnie. Who have you got?
This is my fish, and I like it
because it's looking at me right now, for some reason,
and all my other fishes died.
Do you want to say something about the cat?
Cat food looks better than it tastes.
All right, who's next?
- It's all there. - Thanks.
It should be self-explanatory.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
We might as well start with sport. Joe, what have you got for me?
- No rush. - First up, cricket. We're leading...
No, no. Not you. Joe.
Yeah, we're...
We're leading with
the Aussie touring party to India,
who were well and truly stuffed in Jaipur
by the Rajasthan Academy XI.
- Good to have you back. - Good to be back.
Okay, what's next?
Hi. Joe Warr. Sorry I'm late.
And thanks for sorting him out this morning.
I promise you he doesn't eat cat food.
Well, not at home, anyway. We don't even have a cat.
So, how do you think he's doing?
I know it's only his first day back, but how does he seem to you?
- I'm... - I mean, everyone grieves differently,
I suppose. You know, there are some times where he plays happily
and charts his mother's progress in heaven, and then other times...
At some point every day, he collapses into a sort of coma.
Sinks to the floor and just lies there.
Half an hour later, he gets up and carries on like nothing's happened.
He has some very weird moods, but then so do I. So...
You do actually know I'm not Artie's teacher?
Hmm?
- I'm Lucy's mum. She's in Artie's class. - Right.
I'm actually just waiting for Miss West myself.
- But this morning, you were... - I was just helping out.
- Of course you were. - Yeah.
It's been a good term and he's making really good...
Is that Miss West?
Mmm-hmm.
She's a different person altogether.
I know. Spooky, isn't it?
Right.
Well, I'll just join the queue, then.
Thank you very much. Thank you for coming.
They're scribbling.
Hey.
- Are you sure you're not a teacher? - Well, I do take them for art.
So, how did it go?
He seems to be doing rather better than I am.
You know, if there's anything I could do,
like, if you ever want me to take him for you...
- Really? - Yeah. Absolutely.
Three mouths are as easy to feed as two, so... Be a pleasure.
- I'm in the buzz book. - Sorry?
Here, give me your phone.
There we are. Now we've got each other's.
- Hey! What are you doing? - That hurt.
You must never do that! You never cross the road without me.
Come on, Artie. I said I'm sorry.
- He's hungry. - That's why I'm shopping.
It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, both of you sulking like five-year-olds?
How long are you planning on keeping this up?
- I don't have any plans. - Why don't you take him to Mum?
Why don't you ask for help?
We aren't meant to do these things by ourselves.
He's got no one to go to and say how mean you're being.
That's true. That is definitely true.
Hey, cheeky bum, come up here and sit with me.
Come on.
- Now, you see that puddle? - Yeah.
- You drive, okay? - Okay.
- Are you ready? - Yeah!
- Now, don't miss. - I won't!
Let's go!
On your markies, get your car keys, go!
Again! Again!
Now, you don't need to know anything
about biology or fluid mechanics
to deduce that Michael Fred Phelps III is built for speed.
He just looks so racy.
If you ran your hands over his naked flanks,
and, let's face it, you know you want to,
his skin would feel as smooth as his Neoprene wetsuit.
With his flipper feet and paddle hands, his 6'7" wingspan,
he must surely be the result
of some devilish American experiment in bionics.
- Oh, hi. How was Sydney? - Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Hey, look who's here. - Dada!
Give us a cuddle.
He's been great. Haven't you?
He's eaten really well, and we washed Mac.
Oh! That's where he was. I was looking for him everywhere.
Look, and he did these pictures at school today.
I'll show you a trick.
- Thanks, Laura. I really appreciate it. - Any time.
- Can I go and live at Laura's? - What?
Can I go and live at Laura's?
I'll come back and visit you so you won't be lonely,
but I'll live at Laura's and Lucy's.
You want to go and live there, do you?
Fine, but if you're going to go, then you have to go tonight.
So pack your bag and I'll take you back there.
Daddy, are you all right? Daddy?
So, what do you want to do?
Whatever you want me to do.
- What? - Whatever you want me to do.
I want you to stay here. I want you to live with me.
It'll get better. I promise.
"Mrs. Darling first heard of Peter
"when she was tidying up her children's minds.
"It is the nightly custom of every good mother
"after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds
"and put things straight for next morning,
"repacking into their proper places
"the many articles that have wandered during the day."
- Don't stop. - Close those peepers.
"If you could keep awake, but of course you can't..."
Harry's been talking about you a lot.
He hasn't seen you since you were here for Wimbledon.
- I know. - He wants to come and see you, Joe.
- A boy his age needs his father. - What about school?
I've spoken to the head. The school will be fine.
You pay them enough.
Sorry, of course it's too much to ask. I should have known.
- I'll tell him you're too busy. - No, I'm...
Christ.
- Flick? - Yes?
Look, I'm sorry. Listen, he can come any time and for as long as he wants.
- Thank you. - Look, you just tell me when.
- I'll organize everything. - I'll e-mail you.
Okay.
- How much taller will he be than me? - I'm not sure. Quite a bit.
- How much older is he? - Nearly eight years.
- So, about eight inches? - More.
- Will he like me? - Of course he will. What's not to like?
- I've got nibbles. - What?
I've got nibbles.
What? Are you worried he might not like your nibbles?
I've got nibbles. I've got nibbles. I've got nibbles, yeah.
I've got nibbles, I've got nibbles, I've got nibbles...
- There he is. - Which one is he?
Come on, put your T-shirt on.
- Hey. How are you? - Hi. Fine.
So, this is your little brother. This is Artie.
Hi, Artie.
- How was the flight? - Long.
Well, let's get your bag.
- How's your mum? - She's all right.
- School? - It's crap.
Wow!
- It's boiling. - This is nothing.
It's not proper summer here until the steering wheel's too hot to hold.
So, here we are.
It didn't look like this when Artie's mother was alive.
Your room is down here.
Hands up if you like sheep muck. Hands up if you like cow pee.
Hands up if you like dog fart. Hands up if you like me!
One of his own compositions, I'm afraid.
- Are you tired? Do you want to rest? - No. I'm all right.
Do you want to get changed, put on some shorts?
Later on.
Hands up if you like sheep muck.
I'll make some lunch.
Hands up if you like cow pee. Hands up if you like me!
I run a pretty loose ship.
Basically, I've found that the more rules there are,
the more crimes are created.
So, fewer rules. Fewer but bigger rules.
- No interrupting adults... - Why not?
- Very good. No swearing. - Why?
- I don't like it. - Why?
It's the mark of a limited vocabulary and a sign of laziness and egotism,
which is why it's a privilege reserved for adults.
If it's a sign of a small vocabulary,
then how come there are so many swear words?
Bloody, bleeding, buggery, sodding, shitting, bastard,
...mother... - Moving swiftly on,
as little lying and stealing as possible,
no fighting, except for fun, no wanton littering.
Oh!
As far as possible, be polite.
Now, screaming insanely,
running round the house making absurd and disgusting noises,
throwing water bombs at the windows, all of these are actively encouraged.
Artie! In fact, really, there's only one rule,
and that is you've got to do as I tell you.
It's just that I'm not going to tell you to do very much.
The aim is something we like to call hog heaven.
Okay.
Shit!
It's not funny.
- Hey, are you okay? - Yeah. It's just so hot.
It's quite a shock, isn't it? I remember when I first arrived,
but it's a great place when you get used to it.
Yeah? Well...
"It has more things that will kill you than anywhere else.
"Out of the world's 10 most poisonous snakes, all are Australian."
You'll be all right. Hope you manage to sleep.
No!
- Do you submit? Do you submit? - No! No!
Geronimo! I'm the king of the bed!
- I'm the king of the bed! - Tag team. You and Artie versus me.
- Yeah! Yeah! - No. I'll pass, thanks. That's fine...
Hey, you don't get away that easy, big boy!
- Yeah! - Don't! Dad, don't! Don't! Jesus!
Nice one.
Oh, my God. You've got to be kidding.
Good, eh?
- That is so high. - I know.
- But if the wire breaks... - Don't worry about the wire.
The wire's fine.
I'm trying not to think of that branch falling on him.
- But, seriously, if he let go... - That's why he's hanging on so tight.
- Nice one. - Be careful!
I think you rather enjoy upsetting mothers.
What gives you that idea?
- Only four weeks out of date. - You've been eating them.
Here, here. Take this.
Sweetie, can you go get the fairy bread?
- Shall I put them here? - Yes.
- Hi. I'm Laura. Hi. - I'm Barbara.
- Arthur's grandmother. - Oh! Pleased to meet you.
- Is this one yours? - Yes.
- She's very pretty. - Thank you.
- Artie. - Darling.
- Hi, Nana. - Happy birthday.
Thank you, Nana.
Hey. Glad you could come.
He'll put someone's eye out with that.
The thing is, constant warnings are maddening
for anyone aspiring to be an overlord.
- I would have done this for you. - It looks good, doesn't it?
Well, if they eat this lot, they'll be climbing the walls.
- Tea? - Yes, thank you.
Where is Harry?
Why has he come here now, do you think?
What do you mean?
Perhaps your ex-wife thinks you're back on the market.
Thank you.
I remember Katy's seventh birthday party.
We invited the whole class, 30 of them.
They ran riot. It was a complete disaster.
I still see her, in the street or...
And not like in a dream.
- Actually there. - Me, too.
Everyone run around. You've got to chase everyone, okay?
- Three million! - Three million?
We'll be here for weeks.
Get ready. I'm counting to 100.
One, two, three, four, five...
...99, 100!
Coming, ready or not.
Come on, little children. Come to Daddy,
because I love to play with the little children
and give them lots of lovely pressies.
For God's sake. You're going to get yourself bloody arrested.
Aha!
I think I see one of the little darlings.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. - No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- You can't catch me. No, no. - Come here, you horrible little goblin!
Boys, boys, look what you made me do.
You made me angry. I didn't mean to shout at you.
Come and find me. Come and find me.
I'm right here.
I think I know that little voice.
Gotcha!
Happy birthday, birthday boy.
"Just say yes"?
It has the power to change the way you live.
- Really? - It seems to work for us.
- It's not just an easy way out? - It's not easy at all. It's really difficult.
Our kids ask us to do a whole range of unsuitable things and we just go, "No."
We don't even think about it. That's the habit I'm trying to control.
Artie says, "Can we go and swim in the river?"
I say, "No. I have to go and buy some milk."
And you don't worry about spoiling him?
No. It's what he needs.
You're a brave man.
- Thanks for everything. - Bye.
Yeah?
What was that you were playing?
Just something I made up.
- It sounded good. - Thanks.
Do you and your mum ever play together?
Sometimes.
I did love your mother very much, you know.
Then why did you leave?
Married couples of my mother and father's generation
stayed together for the sake of the children.
We divorced for the same reason.
Are you saying you divorced for my sake?
I thought it was because you got another woman pregnant.
Well, there was that, too.
We had some dreadful fights, you know.
I was no match for your mother in combat.
It can't have been all bad. You had me.
No, of course not. In the beginning, it was great.
Listen, there's something I want to ask you.
Look, if you're imagining that
your mother and I would ever get back together again...
Jesus, Dad.
Her boyfriend's just moved in, for Christ's sake.
- Really? When? - I don't know. A few months ago.
- How's that for you? - I'm away at school mostly.
What's he like?
He's nice.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for all your help today.
You were great.
It's a huge goal. It's a wonder-strike. It's a wonder-strike.
- Don't want to play soccer. - Why not?
Funny thing, isn't it? The minute you think you're getting things sorted
is the moment it all starts to fall apart.
- There it is! - The ball went the other way!
For God's sake.
Guys, guys, can you put your dirty clothes in the laundry baskets?
Jeez! Do I have to do everything around here?
- Daddy, can I have some Coke? - "Can I have some Coke," what?
Can I have some Coke now?
Can I teach you some manners, Arthur?
- N-O. Mind your own business. - "Just say yes."
Put some bloody clothes on, both of you.
- Why? - You know why.
- Laura's bringing Lucy round. - Why are you so angry?
I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?
- Hey, welcome. - Hi.
Hey, guess what. One of our chooks had ducklings.
- What? - Chickens that can swim.
- And fly. - And shit on your head.
- Can I come and see them? - Of course you can.
- Drink? One glass? Family red. - I've got some things to do.
- I should get back. - One glass.
- Leave those. - Are you sure?
Absolutely. I've discovered this amazing cupboard in the kitchen,
which not only stores the dishes, it actually cleans them.
Really?
The housework has come as a big shock, I have to admit,
even though I watched so much of it over the years.
The cooking, the cleaning, the ironing, the shopping,
hoovering the carpets when they change color...
How did you meet Katy?
I interviewed her.
She was an equestrian.
I met her at some horse trials in England.
She was with the Aussie team.
I made her pregnant, she came back to be near her parents.
I followed.
What was she like?
Uniquely endowed with intelligence, rowdiness,
sex appeal, energy,
and, as it turned out, cancer.
And then one day Lucy asked me, "Mummy, what is dope?"
- And what did you say? - I said,
"Dope is a special name I like to call Daddy."
- What is his name? - It's Bree.
Brie? Like the runny cheese?
I haven't heard that one before. I've got to drive.
So, how are things since the divorce?
Fine. He was a terrible husband
but okay dad, you know, now that he's clean.
So, what is it you want?
Something I can't have.
I mean, I've got plenty of people I can do things with.
I've just got no one I can do nothing with.
Hi.
We'd better be going, I think.
- I never want to see Lucy ever again. - What?
She spoils every game,
and she's always supposed to be the big sister and boss me around.
I thought you wanted to go and live with them?
I don't anymore.
Well, Laura's my friend. I'm not going to stop seeing her on your account.
We'll see about that.
He's not upset because of Lucy. It's because of you.
He had you all to himself, and then I came along,
...and now Laura. - Laura?
She's a friend. Can I not have friends?
God, Dad, anyone can see how much you fancy her.
Don't be so bloody precocious.
- You wanted a word? - Yeah.
I see you've assigned coverage of the Open to Digby.
Yeah, yeah, I just thought he could bring...
I want you there.
I've done it for the last four years. I just thought...
Look, I cut you a lot of slack when Katy was ill,
you know, and then after she passed away.
- Three months, Joe. - I know, and I appreciate it.
Artie. Hey, cut that out.
Sorry, he's a bit under the weather.
I want you there, Joe, from the first point to the last.
I need my top sports writer covering top sporting events.
Otherwise, you're not my top sports writer, eh?
Come on.
I have checked all the airlines.
There's absolutely no seats available for the boys.
Well, maybe I could drive. What is it, seven hours?
Ditto hotels. Everything's booked.
So, those are done. Now, what about this one?
- Yeah, sure. - That one there.
Excuse me.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, how are you?
Busy. We've got the winemakers here.
Listen, I'm in a bit of a jam.
I was wondering if you might be able to stay down at the house
...with Harry and Artie. - Hmm. When?
Next week. I have to go away to cover the tennis.
- This coming week? - Yeah.
Shouldn't you have thought of this before?
Well, I've been trying to take them with me, but it's not possible.
Why don't you ask that girl you're seeing?
- What girl? - The one at Arthur's party.
She looked perfectly at home to me.
One minute, Flick wants me back. The next, I'm seeing someone.
- Well, aren't you? - No, I'm not.
Look, we're really stretched here, Joe. I can't go anywhere right now.
Well, is there any chance they could come here to you?
Well, I don't know. I mean, if it was just Artie...
You know what? Forget it.
No, I'm not saying I won't take them.
- It's fine. Forget it. - Joe...
Oh, please. Come on, Joe.
Artie, shoes, come on.
- Hey. Listen, I... - Hi. Hang on, I need the loo. Just wait.
Artie?
Defrosting. There's a dinosaur in the microwave.
Hog heaven becomes hog hell.
Think of the Seven Dwarfs before Snow White showed up.
Does Harry never do any chores around here?
Not as such. Artie, hurry up.
"Oh, please don't do that," he said, handing her the rubber gloves.
- You've got them on the wrong feet. - These are the only feet I've got.
Change them round, eat your breakfast and wipe your mouth.
Oh, God. I have to change my shoes, I have to eat my breakfast,
I have to go to the loo. I have to do everything around here.
Jesus. I'm turning into my mother. It's not supposed to be like this.
What did you want to ask me?
What are your plans for next week?
- Why? What have you got in mind? - I have to go away.
- Where? - Melbourne. The Open.
You want me to have your kids for you?
- The thought had crossed my mind. - Well, Lucy's with her dad next week.
- Great, so you're free. - Excuse me?
What makes you think I'm not seeing someone? Hmm?
What makes you think I'm not spending next week
having non-stop sex with my lover?
Are you?
We seem to have skipped a couple of crucial stages in this relationship, Joe.
We haven't even been on a date, and now we're a couple juggling childcare?
The Seven Dwarfs before Snow bloody White turned up.
- Just a joke. - Yeah, well, jokes and crappy theories.
All just excuses for laziness and irresponsibility.
You drink too much and you live like a pig.
Artie, Lucy, we're leaving now.
Bye, Dad.
See you.
So, as far as the outside world is concerned, I'm not here.
I'm in Melbourne, so I don't want anyone to answer the phone.
Okay.
And I'm going to need some help around here, Harry.
Okay.
In Melbourne today, Venus Williams
was comprehensively out-yelped
by her sister Serena.
She ramped up the volume with a series of shrieks, yodels,
bellows and bleats to a record-breaking 103 decibels.
For me, sitting in the Rod Laver Arena
with the sun having long since set, and the heat...
Keep it up, Joe.
I'm glad you saw sense and got yourself there.
For a minute, I thought I was going to have to let you go.
- 30-40. - Deuce.
Can you grab the ketchup?
That's so good.
Don't answer it.
Hello?
- I said don't answer it. - It's Digby.
- Hey. - Yeah, mate,
I thought you should know, our esteemed editor
has tickets for the men's final.
- You'd better get your arse over there. - Oh, shit.
- Have you taken the rubbish out? - Not yet. I will.
Harry, you rarely get asked to do things in this house,
but when you do, I want you to do them.
Why can't it wait till morning? It's dark out there.
- Forget it. I'll do it myself. - I'll do it.
Here, I'll do it, if it means so much to you.
Just leave it. I've got it. Christ!
- Where do you think you're going? - You said leave it. Make up your mind.
Could you come back here and help me clear this up, please?
And take that stupid bloody hat off.
Oh, Jesus. Don't start crying.
You're such a bullying shit!
Brilliant. Terrific. Well done.
- You're a bullying shit! - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I'm really sorry.
Someone said something about chores and I fell for it. Stupid.
I've been a bit stressed about work.
I'm sorry.
You have to go, Dad. You'll never get away with it. It's crazy.
- I'll look after Artie. - No, no, no, no.
It's just a couple of nights. I can do it.
- No. Harry... - Trust me. I can do it.
I promise.
Remember, don't answer the door to anybody.
You've got all the relevant numbers. I'll have my mobile with me
...all the time. - We'll be fine.
Yeah, but call me if there's any problem at all.
We'll be fine.
Okay.
- Bye, then. - Bye, Dad.
- Look after him. - Go.
Go, Daddy.
- Thanks. - Yeah. Cheers, mate.
So everything's fine?
Everything's great.
We're just having dinner, and then Artie's going to bed.
- Good. - Don't worry. Enjoy yourself.
Make sure you lock up properly.
I will.
- Okay. I'll call you in the morning. - Night.
From the United States of America, Serena Williams.
Hey, Joe.
Hello, stranger.
I only get wheeled out for the finals these days.
- Oh, yeah. - I don't know who to root for,
long legs or big breasts.
I suppose you could make a decision
based on the relative strengths of two extraordinary athletes.
Breasts, isn't it? Got to be.
What's all that noise? Where are you?
We're just down the beach with some other kids.
So, let me say goodbye to Artie.
Hello?
See you later, alligator.
Don't forget your toilet paper.
- Don't be too late. Night. - Bye.
Shouldn't you be in bed?
My dad's away.
You want to hear my favorite joke?
Why? Do I look like I need cheering up?
Maybe.
- You okay? - Can I get in bed with you?
If you want.
There we go.
What you got there?
So, what are you saying? Beers all round?
Hey, beautiful. Excuse me. Excuse me, beautiful. Listen to this.
Do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers?
Because they're mine.
And they say the age of chivalry is dead.
- What's your problem? - Never mind.
- Who asked you anyway? - No. Please don't make a...
It's all right. I'm sorry.
"The boys on the island vary, of course, in numbers,
"according as they get killed and so on, and when..."
Don't stop.
- What is it? - Back in a sec. Just stay there.
Hey, let us in! Harry!
Oh, God. I think I've lost my bloody phone.
- Does it hurt? - Yeah, it hurts.
Aw.
- I don't even know your name. - Mia.
- Hey, Mia. I'm Joe. - Hello, Doe.
beer in the fridge. There's none in the fridge.
Hey, guys, I've found the booze.
I don't like them being here. Make them go.
I'm going to try and do that.
- Call Daddy. Call the police. - That's what I'm going to do.
Go down to my room and shut the door.
Hey, don't want you calling Daddy.
Hey, I need... Give me my phone back. Oh, no.
Did you look on the floor at the end of the bar?
Okay. Thanks. No, there's no sign of it.
Shit. My whole bloody life's in that phone.
Come on.
Reception.
Yeah, are there any messages for me?
No, nothing, sir. Can I help with anything else?
No. Thank you.
I'll just get you to sign that one for me.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
So, are you here for the men's final, Mr. Walker?
Joe? Joe!
Airport, please.
Oh, my God.
Artie? Harry?
Joe, it's Barbara. Artie's here with me.
Barbara, what's going on?
- Where have you been? - Where are they?
- What have you done to your face? - Are they safe?
Are they all right? What the hell happened?
I don't think Artie should see you like that.
I mean, where were you last night? We tried to get a hold of you.
- Where's Harry? I need to speak to him. - Well, Harry isn't here.
- Where is he? - He's at the airport.
- What are you talking about? - Well, he wanted to go home.
He wanted to go back to England. He was very upset.
What do you mean, "Go back to England"?
Well, he had a return ticket and he insisted.
I had a long talk with his mother, and Tom's taken him.
I mean, what the hell were you doing leaving them alone in that house?
Whatever possessed you?
Goodness knows what would have happened if Artie hadn't called me.
Those kids from the beach had overrun that place.
I had to turn them out, and thank God Tom was there.
Can you fetch Artie for me, please?
No. I think Artie should stay here with us.
- Fetch him, please. - Look, I could have called the police
...and I could have called child welfare. - I want my son.
- Do you think they'd let you keep him... - Artie.
- No! Get out of that house! - Artie!
No, not in front of the boy! No!
- Come on, we're going. We're going. - No, get out! Get out of my house!
- You're not fit to be his father... - He's my son, Bea!
You can't replace your daughter with my son.
- Did you hurt yourself? - A little bit.
- You all right? - Walked into a door.
Pretty big one by the looks of it.
Your boy got off all right. It's what he wanted to do.
- How was he? - Quiet.
He said to tell you he's sorry he let you down.
Thanks for sorting things out over there.
It was Tigerwoman. I just stood by the ute with the shotgun.
- Nana was very upset. - She misses Mummy.
We all do.
Oh, no.
Harry left his bear.
- Is this bothering you, Daddy? - No, sweetheart.
Is this bothering you, Daddy?
- Hello? - It's Joe.
- You are unbelievable. - Is Harry there?
- He doesn't want to talk to you, Joe. - Flick, I...
Artie, bedtime. Artie?
Artie?
I miss him, too.
- Yeah, sure. - I do my bit, all right?
Okay. Look after her, and you know what,
...just make sure it's in the week, okay? - All right. Okay.
Come on, Lucy. Let's go.
- Bye, Lucy. - See you, Mum.
- How was your day, sweetie? - It was okay, Dad.
That's good.
Hey.
Ouch.
- Is that the boyfriend? - No, that's runny cheese.
- Artie tells me he's going to England. - It seems like the right thing to do.
- Maybe. - What do you want me to say?
Personally, I find nothing is often best.
Oh, and, by the way, there's another thing.
- Sorry? - There is no boyfriend.
Artie. Can you see which one's me?
- The one with the football, that's me. - No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.
Mr. Warr? I've spoken to Harry.
I'm really sorry.
This is really rather awkward. He doesn't want to see you.
- I see. - He has games.
- Right. - We can certainly talk.
- I have a few minutes. - Not just at the minute, thank you.
Sweetheart?
Where are you going? Artie.
Harry! Harry!
- Artie, come back. - Harry! Harry!
Harry! Harry! Harry!
- What are you doing here? - We've come to see you.
We want you to be with us again.
- Look, I'm really sorry. - I don't want to see you.
Harry.
Come on.
Hi, lads. What are you having?
Coke and a squash, please.
Did you boys see Jones' tackle, then?
Yeah. He didn't get up for a while.
- What do you expect? - Same as always, thanks.
I wasn't going to take on the fullback. He looked like 30.
You can't tell the difference between him and their coach.
I'll get these.
We used to come in here after games, too.
That's 5.50, please.
- Can we talk? - Thanks.
I'll see you in a sec.
- Where's Artie? - He's just there.
I'm really sorry about what happened.
I should never have left you guys alone. It was wrong.
And I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy Australia more.
I loved Australia.
Well, that it wasn't everything you wanted it to be.
I need to ask you something
...and I want you to listen to me. - Of course.
I mean, really listen to me.
- I do. - No, you don't.
Okay, well, I'm listening now.
Why did you leave me?
- When you went with Katy. - You know why.
I fell in love with someone else. She was pregnant.
No. Why did you leave me?
I mean, why didn't you take me with you?
I wanted you to take me with you. I wanted to be with you.
I can honestly say the thought never crossed my mind.
You were so young, I thought a child should be with his mother.
- Didn't you miss me? - God, yeah.
But, you know, there was this new baby.
- I was trying to get it right. - So you just left me with her.
- With your mother. - With my mother who hates me.
Don't be ridiculous. Your mother adores you.
See? You don't listen.
I try and tell you how I feel and you say I'm ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
- I had no idea. - How could you?
You were playing happy families on the other side of the world.
- You never wanted me. - No. That's not true.
- I'm sorry you feel like this. - Yeah, well, deal with it.
- Harry's bear. - We'll give it to him another time.
No, he's with his friends. You'll embarrass him.
But I want to give it to him!
Daddy, there's a car here without a roof.
A convertible, like the one we need.
I must have been awful to live with sometimes.
Daddy, I'm trying to read, but I can't do all the words.
Katy? Don't abandon us now.
Daddy, I'm begging you. I'm begging you with all my mouth.
Coming, sweetheart.
Where's that car?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
- We've been to see Harry. - Yeah? How was that?
- Not too good. - I'm not surprised.
- Why do you do things like this? - Things like what?
Well, who just turns up at the door?
- Have you got a baby in your tummy? - Yes, I have.
- My mummy's dead. - I know.
- Congratulations. - Harry didn't tell you?
Not a word.
Would you like something to drink, Arthur?
What have you got?
Why don't you come in and we'll have a look?
- Don't you have a lesson? - Just come in, for God's sake.
- Is Jason home? - Just come in.
Thanks for seeing me.
You want some tea?
- God, I hated this school. - Really? I never knew.
- Your name's on every board. - It was awful here then.
- It's pretty awful here now. - Really?
So, your mum's pregnant? You didn't tell me.
- It's going to be a girl. - That's nice.
It'll be cool to have a sister, won't it?
So, where do you fit in, do you think?
I'm not sure I do.
Okay, look, I'm going to take Artie back to Australia,
but what we want, both of us, is for you to come with us.
Come and live with us.
I saw your mum yesterday. We had a long talk,
and she wants what's best for you. She really does.
So, if you did want to come, she will support that.
Artie and I have talked about it a lot, and it's definitely what we want.
He just adores you.
Obviously, it's a huge decision, so you don't have to decide this second.
I didn't feel safe there.
- What, the 10 most poisonous snakes? - No, Dad. You.
You scared me.
That won't happen again.
Whatever you decide, I promise, I'll be a better father to you from now on.
I can't, Dad...
I can't.
All my friends are here.
It's not fair on Mum.
I'm sorry.
- So, when are we going? - Tomorrow morning.
When is Harry coming? Daddy?
He's not coming with us, sweetheart. He's going to stay here.
He'll come for holidays and stuff.
It's your fault!
Please do not leave your luggage unattended at the station.
Luggage left unattended may be removed without warning
or destroyed or damaged by the security services.
Artie.
Artie?
- Artie? - Daddy!
Don't you ever check your messages?
We don't have much time.
You won't lose him. I promise.
The saving on school fees alone is like five trips back here a year.
Thank you for saying that.
Good luck with the baby. Keep us posted.
So, here we are, a father and two sons,
surviving in a household without women.
Like a year-long experiment in a satellite,
free from earthly influences.
Harry, did you just wipe your face with a dog?
Hey, wipe your face with your own dog!
See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Given its inadequacies as a child-rearing unit,
I like it.
It's Home Alone, except there's three of us.
- Gosh! - Yes!
- I'm off. - Take that, chuckles.
- I'll be back by 6:00. - Out!
- No, it was in. It was in. - Out.
- Referee? - Six-five to Artie.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - Bye, then.
Bye, Daddy.
You belong to me
I'd be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too...
Come on. Come on, Vegemite. Liquorice.
I don't think he brushes his teeth enough.
I agree with you about that.
Can't you get him to do it twice a day?
Once a week would be an advance.
I can't understand why they're so white, though.
Is he brushing them in secret, do you think?
What about his hair? When did he last wash his hair?
Well, they wash it when he gets it cut. And I'm rigid about that.
He gets it cut twice a year, whether he needs it or not.
- He seems happy. - I'd say he is, usually.
God, he misses you.
- He still remembers me? - Of course.
Don't ever think that we'll forget you.
You'll always be his mother.
- One more thing. - What's that?
Will you do one more thing for me, Joe?
Anything.
Buy that convertible.
I will.
And if anyone asks, I'll tell them why.