I was having a Sexy Soiree.
It's a multilevel marketing home-based business that I do,
selling Lutheran-approved sex toys to married ladies.
Wow, the excitement is palpable with you ladies today.
You know, actually can you hear me without the mic?
- Yeah, just sitting right here. - I guess so. All right, okay.
All right, Sexy Soiree is a Lutheran-based company.
These are Lutheran marital aids.
These products are for marrieds only.
So little bit... and I got to tell the truth here.
Pauline and I actually don't use the products.
I was not even allowed to look at the products.
I'm Sharon Solfest, and this is my sister, Pauline.
I'm Pauline Solfest.
Well, you know, this is the first time
in the history of the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off,
which started in 1945, this is the first time
'there have ever been two sisters, both finalists...
we don't like to say competing...
- because we're not competing. - Because we're not competing.
We're... different categories.
And this is the fluffer whip.
Stop that, I'm not married.
My recipe is Easy One Cupboard Death by Chocolate Pie.
It's, well, very chocolaty.
It starts off with a delicious pre-prepared graham cracker,
chocolate graham cracker crust.
Then it has, like, a fondant, like an icing.
- And... - Smooth.
So smooth. And then it's a mousse.
It's like a pudding/mousse kind of a thing.
It's so good. And then chocolate chips,
regular chocolate chips, milk chocolate chips,
white chocolate chips, and then candy.
Butterscotch chocolate chips.
The butterscotch chocolate chips, thank you.
It'll give you a seizure.
This goes...
you know, pretty much any way you would want it to go.
- Yeah. - Do you need, like Novocain
or some kind of topical, uh,
- numbing agent to use that? - I don't...
You know, you're a medical professional
so you know more about that than me.
This is where I work,
at Golden Minutes Senior Day Care.
And it's the most fun thing in the world for me.
This is Mrs. Burris.
I couldn't find an orderly all night!
Where were the orderlies? In your bedroom? Whore!
I get paid only eight hours a day,
but I stay for 14 sometimes
because I'm having so much darn fun.
I'm a nutritionist.
I do mostly soft foods
because that's what they can digest here.
Hey, don't swallow the whole spoon.
Ah, put it in my...
crack a hole and put it in there.
In vegetables, no one enters hardly.
No one ever wins that.
I thought, "Well, I'll enter my cream corn."
It is cream corn for the lactose intolerant.
It's made with Ja' Mocha Mix, which is...
You know, it's non-dairy creamer.
Right, cream corn, non-dairy creamer.
Those that can't do it, you know what happens
when you can't digest dairy. That's a situation...
Well, you know, they have...
...that I would like to leave for the third shift.
This is my life, you know. I work here 14 hours a day.
I go home and take care of my dad.
I don't have a lot of time. I sure don't have a boyfriend.
So my fiancé, Lars Hagerbakke and I,
are very much in love.
Um, we met at the Blue Earth Community Theatre
doing a production of Guys and Dolls.
I was adopted into the Hagerbakke family.
Um, before that, I have vague memories of my black family.
I remember...
I remember looking up from what must have been a crib
and just seeing darkness and eyes smiling back down at me.
When I first saw Sharon,
I said, "There is a doll,
there is a living and walking doll
with all the fluids that people have inside,
but a doll on the outside."
He talks like that all the... give me a kiss.
You are so romantic. Give me that kiss.
That's good.
We're probably the most
glamorous people in Blue Earth.
I'm very, very Swedish.
- I mean... - The most Swedish.
Actually, his mom, Ingalo,
always says, "You know what,
Lars is the most Swedish
of everyone in our family."
He makes the foods...
All the recipes. The Söcker Kaka,
- which is my favorite. - Söcker Kaka,
which is our total favorite.
We love that so much.
It's like, could you get enough Söcker Kaka?
- No. No. - I don't think so.
I could literally wake up
with Söcker Kaka in my mouth and be happy,
- if I could. - He'd be happy.
That's the way he'd love to wake up.
Uh, Lars and I
have made a commitment to chastity.
We're chaste. We are saving ourselves
for a covenantal marriage.
And we've been together, it's not easy.
Can you describe your physical life together?
Now this is the first year that Van Pookle Farms
has offered a million-dollar prize,
which is pretty amazing.
Sh! Please...
Keep it quiet because I'm being interviewed.
The more Van Rookle Farms ingredients you use
in your, um, in your dish,
the better chance you have of winning.
So, for instance, instead of using,
you know, like ground beef,
you could use Van Rookle Farms imitation, um, meaty kernels,
and the great thing about that is
that doesn't even need to be refrigerated... ever.
So that's just... that's gonna stay fresh wherever you...
you could be like, "Oh honey, you dropped the meaty kernels."
It's like, "Oh, just leave it there,
we'll get it later, it's fine."
So basically what's going to happen
is that all 50 contestants
are going to come pouring through that door,
and we've got contestants from all over the nation.
One of everything.
It's like Noah's Ark here at the cook-off.
Uh... women and this year,
one man, our first male contestant.
And we've got an African-American contestant
this year, finally.
And we... Love to have her.
Happy to have her. That's not an issue for us.
I don't know who it would be an issue for.
And the Lord sayeth...
I dried up all the streams of Egypt.
All the streams of Egypt.
Can I get an amen?
Honor thy mother and father, says the Great Lord.
Now I like to honor my mother.
I'd like you all to know that Sister Ladybug Briggs,
our very own Sister Ladybug Briggs,
has just been chosen as a finalist
in the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
Like manna from heaven,
her biscuits will deliver us.
Y'all know I can make a biscuit.
The Lord delivered 5,000 with the loaves and fishes.
Well, she's about to deliver me.
My name is Ladybug Briggs.
The reason they called me Ladybug
is because I love ladybugs.
Now I don't get the fingernails with the Band-Aids on them
because these are weak, and I'm using the Band-Aids
to hold them on.
I, uh, love ladybugs 'cause they bring me luck,
just like they're going to bring me
for this cooking competition
on the... um... for the Va...
What's the name?
It's, uh, The Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
For the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
Now I have been, um, a cook
since I was probably around 12 years old.
Markus, Markus, you in the cameras, man.
Oh, all right.
I do karate if they looking for somebody like that, just...
They ain't looking for nobod...
Well, they might be. You know, that's my baby, Markus,
and if any of y'all need somebody to do karate,
he's wonderful.
Yeah.
And I'm her eldest son, Thaddeus Briggs.
- Yes, Thaddeus. This is my son. - Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.
- That's right. - Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.
But not only is he a reverend, he's also...
um, what's the other thing you do?
- I'm a lawyer, mama. - A minister and a lawyer.
You're looking at the winner.
The million-dollar baby right here.
- Mom? - Yes, baby?
Check this out.
Check out my pivot foot. It don't move.
- That's my favorite. - Thank you, Leigh.
Maybe after we do this, you can...
the people can get you doing that on camera.
Oh yeah, that would be good outside.
- That'd be good. - Hey, baby.
Markus, Markus, go around front
and get them prophylactics
- mama bought you now. - All right, mama.
What's in my biscuit
is Meltameeta with...
it is a cheese and sausage flavor product,
but now it ain't got no real cheese
or no real sausage up in there though.
No, that's because for people
that are allergenic to those things.
And I have a wonderful scooter.
I had the carpel tunnel,
and people don't know that carpel tunnel travels.
Tell them, Thaddeus. It traveled to my legs
and made 'em weak!
There!
Anything else you want to know?
You know what? We can...
How many kidney stones I've passed? Huh?
Why my right boobie is a little bit higher
than the left?
I just got upset!
These people's all up in my...
- I know, it's all right. - It's too many cameras.
It's too many white people.
I can't take it, Thaddeus.
They're gonna meet the celebrity guest judges.
They're going to hear the rules.
And then, of course, my favorite part,
the lighting of the ceremonial oven,
which is just like the Olympics.
It's that kind of "haa",
you know, kind of moment.
When I go "haa," I mean, like crowds cheering.
That sounded weird.
The Pioneer Days are coming up.
Will and I are going as rootin' tootin' cowboys.
Being a mother is the hardestjob ever.
It's very rewarding, but...
The only thing probably harder is selling insurance.
I don't know if you're familiar with the insurance game,
but it is brutal.
I wasn't in Vietnam, I was too young,
but it's just like that.
It's nuts. Half the time, I'm selling,
half the time I'm explaining it to my own staff.
- It's... ugh. - No. Yeah, nine to five.
I'm a finalist.
It's called a Multi-Layered Anti-Oxidant
Rainbow Gelatin Dee-Light.
It's science and it's also nutrition.
- Well... - If we win the cook-off,
oh, my gosh, a million bucks.
Well, I'm planning on taking a spa weekend just for myself.
You know, I mean, just... just me time.
I mean, I'd like some me time, too.
But, um, I'm too busy earning a living.
- There's more good news? - Yes, I'm pregnant!
- Oh. - Hey.
She's talked about, like, "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
and I'm like, "Uh, because it's a part of my body
that I care a lot about,
and I'm not going to take a knife to it."
All of our kids, if you can believe this,
all of them were born... I was fully on contraception.
I mean, to be very honest,
I'm scared to sleep in the same bed with him anymore.
- Just when I look at him - "Do-do, do-do, do-do..."
This is what we call the ring of fire.
These ovens are used
for the very last stage of the competition,
and this is only for the seven finalists.
This is the official Van Rookle Farm jumbotron.
Basically what'll happen is that Morty Van Pookle, it's so sad,
he... this is the first time in 40 years he can't be here
because he had quadruple bypass surgery,
but he'll be watching us from the jumbotron.
Remember, I can see you from here, okay?
So, it's almost as if you're in bed here with me.
- It's so great. - Morty Van Rookle Ill is,
um, he's kind of like a father figure to me
in that I don't talk to my real dad anymore at all.
I am owner/creator of Dougherty and Daughter Realty,
and I actually won.
Not only was I a finalist, but I won
the entire contest just some years ago, and now...
- 24 years ago. - It really wasn't 24 years ago.
- Please. Darling, I'm talking. - Sorry.
And we are excited because she's going to continue the legacy.
We have dough in the name.
- I'm sorry? - Dougherty.
Dough is in the name.
Oh, that's cute.
My recipe is a Luscious
Lemon-Lime Crumble Pie.
If I were to win a million dollars,
I might give some of the money to my mother.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Well, you know, for your retirement.
I plan to donate proceeds to our charity,
Yachting for Tomorrow.
I don't think that's wise, dear.
I would donate probably about 50 percent.
No, I think that's... we'll talk about it.
- We'll talk about it later. - Right, but some of the proceeds
would go to Yachting for Tomorrow.
It all began
when I won the cook-off,
and I used most of that money
to start Yachting for Tomorrow
to save at risk youth.
I want to get a couple of pictures of you
for my little photo album.
One of the goals for me today
was to teach some of these gang members,
um, lessons on grooming.
Your pants are falling down, sweetheart.
I can see your butt.
There actually aren't any in Connecticut,
so we bus them in
- from New Jersey. - New Jersey.
Honey, I can't see your eyes. Say, "Jizzle jizzle."
Now everybody say, "Get jiggy with me."
For many of them, they've never even seen water,
and so we like to just sort of have them
experience many things that they may never do again.
One, two, three, cheese.
Let's have them come out here to parade around!
All right. Sharon, Pauline, we're so happy you're here.
What are you going to do with the money if you win?
That's what we want to know. You know that.
First off, I'm going to buy cars for all my friends.
You know who you are.
- That's me! - And then I'll probably,
I'm going to be buying a house in Malibu and a private jet,
and then I'll probably get an apartment in New York,
and then we might... we might get a second home in Chippewa Falls.
See if you have money, money makes money
so you can spend all the money you want.
Go! Go! Go!
You know, I... to me, I just wanted to go
so I can watch her win. But if I won,
I'd buy her whatever she wants
for her wedding for her and Lars.
That's very Blue Earth!
Good luck to ya!
From Los Angeles, this is Christine Merriweather
live from the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
The arrival day's beginning.
The tension's beginning to mount
and people are excited.
All kinds of wonderful things are going to happen here
and I'm going to bring it to you live from the Nosh Network.
Ooh, hoo-hoo.
Uh, don't adjust the head too much because it's not a mask,
- it's your head. - It's tight!
No reason to be adjusting your head, you know.
It's tight!
- And you are? - I'm Richard Pasternack.
This is my wife, Patty.
Patty, hi.
Oh, my gosh, you've got quite...
Oh, my gosh, you do have a load.
Oh, there he is. There he is.
Move. Move. Go, go, go.
Aww.
Okay, bye.
Hi, welcome to La Casa Merado,
home of the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
Sharon Solfest, this is Pauline Solfest.
- Lars Hagerbakke. - Pauline Solfest,
I'm in the vegetable category in the cook-off.
Okay, that's one.
I've got one standard
for Sharon Pauline Solfest.
No, it's Sharon and Pauline.
It's two rooms. We're engaged.
It'll be a little alone time for us,
so it's a little romantic getaway.
Actually, we were thinking of actually possibly,
possibly making love on this. But I will tell you what.
If this hotel only has one room, we will work with that.
The decision to remain chaste until we're married
was definitely my idea.
I mean, I think it's wise to get to know somebody
really on the outside before I go,
you know, just rooting around
on the inside.
Where do you want Lars to set up your bed?
- No, no. - Over there.
No, I'll take the bed.
- I'll take the rollaway bed. - Oh honey, that's crazy.
I don't mind sleeping in the rollaway.
There is no way, as a gentleman,
I am going to climb in bed with you
with what I want to do to you in front of your sister.
So I had better, for everybody's safety,
I better just take the rollaway bed.
We can put the Bible between you.
Do you remember the story of the little boy
and the Söcker Kaka?
Yeah. He loves this story. He tells it all the time.
Well, it's a good story,
and it's right for our relationship.
He was mixing the eggs,
and the little boy tries to eat them.
"No, wait." Flour, he tries to eat.
- "No, wait." The sugar. - "No, wait." "No, wait."
"No, wait." "No, wait."
"Wait till the Söcker Kaka is ready."
And I want to wait in our relationship
till that Söcker Kaka is ready.
Well, I am willing to wait for the Söcker Kaka
if you are willing to wait for the Söcker Kaka.
I have to wait.
Wee, Muffin... aah!
There he is, Muffin Man! Just like on TV.
- Now, Mr. Swazy... - Sweezy.
That's what I said.
Got the Muffin Man here.
Ladybug Briggs's biscuits are going to be the thing.
- They gonna win. - Well...
We gonna have the first
African-American winner
of Van Rookle Cook-off.
Be very nice. Of course, we don't know.
We know it's going to happen, but...
I'm a man of the cloth.
I speak to a higher power, you know what I'm saying?
- I know. - Well...
Just a little snuggling,
a little, like,
leading up into what our marriage is going to be.
We haven't ever even been in a bed together.
Do you know back in college, they called me Full Throttle,
and that's for one reason only.
I don't have a medium.
I don't have a low gear.
I can't imagine being this close to you, lying down...
- Yeah. - Without going F-U-L-L throttle.
Don't get me wrong, I would love,
at this very moment,
to just rip her open like a Christmas package,
but I can't do that.
- Oh, listen to you. - I've promised myself
that I'm going to stay chaste.
I mean, I want this lady,
um... every day, uh... all day.
- But I have... - And at night.
- And at night. At night. - Every day and all night.
But I have to literally hold myself back
from just destroying everything I've worked for.
Would it be weird to anyone if I took the sheet off of here
and hung it between the two beds?
Can I help you?
I'm not supposed to take off my head.
Is that right? Is that a rule?
I guess I just broke that rule, but to be on TV,
that seemed like a good reason.
This is the Muffin Man
and Muffin Man is our beloved mascot who wears a mask.
Put it on.
So yeah. I'm sorry, so Muffin Man can't speak.
Muffin Man's a muffin. We don't talk to Muffin Man.
We just... you can press Muffin Man's belly
and he'll giggle, and he's delicious.
So...
Well, Cassandra, you're a contestant.
That's very exciting.
- Your hair is very pretty. - Huh?
To be a great chef, as I am, you need that passion.
You need that innate, instinctive skill,
and I have that. That's in my bones.
That's in my DNA, and unfortunately,
Cassandra shares DNA with my ex-husband.
- I lack passion. - She sure does.
- I'm more like my father. - You know, he did have
one passionate little muscle in there somewhere
for the nanny, and he took off with that little nanny,
and now we realize we don't need men.
Men leave. Men leave.
That's what Mom always taught me.
- Men leave. - Men leave.
Men leave. They leave.
Are you a contestant with the Van Pookle Farms Cook-off?
I have been in the past.
- Oh, really? Tell me about that. Yes.
Well, my name is Daneel Kuhar,
which I'm sure I probably didn't have to tell you,
because I was in the competition three times
and then after you do it three times,
you're no longer permitted to do it.
- Three times and you're out. - No.
Well, three times and then
you're the past dazzler, so...
Past dazzler. The past dazzler. Pight.
I pulled out all the stops at the Idaho Spudtacular
because there was a woman there, Daneel Kuhar.
She's not a good person, and so it was...
it became important to us to win the Spudtacular.
She set the potato salad aflame.
Which is, you know, harder to do than you think.
It is not that easy to set a potato salad on fire.
Wore this wonderful American bikini
with yellow ribbons,
welcoming the troops back to the bosom of America.
S- H-A-R-O-N. S- H-A-R-O-N.
- S-H-A-R-O-N. - Yeah.
She's going to win the cook-off.
Um, I'm here to support my sweetheart,
the love of my life.
His name's Del Crawford. He's going to win
with his Coco-Nutty Dream Bars,
Del's Coco-Nutty Dream Bars.
You're going to cook this damn thing,
you're going to win us a million dollars,
and that's all there is to it,
and then Sharon Solfest can just suck it!
- Did I contribute to his recipe? - True.
No, I wouldn't even go near the kitchen when he was baking.
- I stay away. - No, that's part of the rules.
And is it a really big check?
- I mean, the size of it. - Oh, yeah, it's a big ol' check.
It's one of those big, crazy checks.
- They give it to you. - That's good.
Yeah, you get to stand on a podium,
you get a lot of confetti thrown at you.
You get to have your day in the sun.
Some of us will never get to have that.
I just want the big check. I don't want the confetti.
It's going to take the world by storm,
this recipe that he came up with.
Wow, a love story at the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
There's nothing better than that, is there?
I'm so luck to be here.
Hi, how are you?
Not since the Spudtacular, oh, my gosh.
I know.
I just keep pouring that sauce.
That might be a little much.
He is in the competition.
He's my honey and I'm here to support him.
That's so great. What are you making?
We're doing a... chocolate something.
And what's it called?
It's...
You don't know the name of your... Oh.
I'm thinking for a second.
Let's just talk real. That's not her boyfriend.
What are you saying?
I'm going to tell you what's going on.
They're cheating.
- You don't know they are. - What'd you say?
They're cheating, because you think that guy cooks?
He doesn't even know the name of his recipe.
How do you come up with recipes?
I mean, where's the inspiration come from?
The million dollars.
It's like he's her puppet.
Like... like she makes the... and then he, like, yeah.
Yeah, like that.
In his defense, I did once hear seriously
that Hitler made crème brulee. So...
Markus Thelonious Monk Briggs.
Wow, I'm Cassandra Dougherty.
Really? Kiss-sandra? Well, I guess I will.
Are you a contestant?
No, my mama's in the contest,
but, um, so I have a lot of down time,
if you know what I mean.
I'm in room 218.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh, that's lovely.
We're actually in room 598.
Oh, nice. Fifth floor. Fifth floor. All right.
- No... Hi, my name... - Hi.
- ...is Victoria Dougherty. - This is my mother.
- Nice to meet you. - Sweetheart...
Can I get more gumbo?
Would you get me some? Oh.
- It's okay. - Could I...
go get me some more gumbo?
I'm really, really hungry. Thank you.
- Fifth floor. Fifth floor. - Very nice meeting you.
Yeah, it'll be even nicer meeting me later. Ha-ha.
Go get me some gumbo, sweetheart.
I just want to warn you, she has a mental illness,
Obsessive Attachment Syndrome, OAS.
- Attachment? - Yes, and what happens...
- Yeah, I know. - Yeah, attachment.
That's sort of like my, that's like my kryptonite
for somebody like me.
Now tell me something, what's your name?
My name... my name is, uh, Victoria.
Well, Victoria, you too, I can see
that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Could you not?
He likes to be with a celebrity.
She's a celebrity and although I'd never heard of her,
a lot of people... had.
Um... She keeps telling me.
One favor, don't get drunk.
Too late.
- Daneel Kuhar. - Oh, Daneel.
Daneel, you know me.
- No. - Daneel Kuhar.
- Daneel, Nancy. - You know me, Nancy.
No, I have no idea.
- Nice to meet you. - Why don't you take my plate
over to that table over there
- and maybe... - I don't have enough hands.
That's all right, honey, you can do this.
That's it. Save us a couple of seats over there.
That's a good girl.
She's a little ill, and she'll just grab onto you,
and she'll never let you go.
She's probably naming your children already.
Oh, look at that.
It's a little bit over the top.
That's it, sweetheart.
Have you met any important people?
All I'm finding are these cooking ladies, no offense.
I met one real cute girl, but she was crazy,
but I think me and her mama might hook up.
- So I don't know. - I just want...
Is she a contestant?
Don't do nothing that's going to disqualify Mother,
because that's a million dollars riding on that.
What you got down here ain't worth no million dollars.
Nice to meet you. I'm here with the Chow Channel.
I have to look at my own microphone
because we just switched the name of the network.
- What was it called before? - Munchy Time.
Oh, this is a much better name then.
Who is he? Who is that?
Ruckle. Van Ruckle, okay. All right, I got it.
I got it. It's a very hard name to remember.
Fairly simple, the Contestant...
So the rules for Van Rookle Cook-off
are pretty much simple.
Excuse me, um, let's move over here.
I want to introduce our celebrity,
Master of Ceremonies, Mr. Gavin McCloud.
Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen.
They have acquired Gavin McCloud,
as you can see, is the MC for the event.
All right, all right, that's so sweet of you.
Thank you very much.
You make me think I'm back on the Love Boat.
It's my great pleasure now to introduce to all of you
the entrance of contestants.
And what's going to happen now
is all the contestants
are entering the stadium now.
Jericho and Moonlight are singing their way
into the stadium.
This gentleman here is taking a picture.
Look at that. People are getting very happy
and, uh, you can feel, uh...
it turns into an exciting event.
An amazing assortment of contestants here,
one pregnant woman. There's a disabled woman here,
and look at them all in their Van Rookle aprons.
They all look so absolutely adorable.
It is my great pleasure to present to you our three judges.
Our first judge is a distinguished journalist
from New York City.
Say hello to David Lord.
I am a student editor of the magazine Gourmet Tongue,
a very up... probably these folks would never have heard of it.
It's a very upscale, refined magazine
for the very refined pallet.
I've got extremely refined taste buds.
I've been chosen one of the top three buds
in Manhattan last three years in New York Magazine.
I should probably have them insured.
Our next judge probably needs no introduction.
You remember her from the Bob Newhart Show.
He was the secretary on the...
Mary Tyler Moore Show.
On the Bob... the original Bob Newhart Show,
and she played the secretary out in the hallway.
Well, you know, I...
This isn't my first time with an unusual venue ruckus,
I was the spokesperson
for the Prune Growers of America.
You know, after you've had to eat pounds of prunes,
this has got to be tastier.
And last, but certainly not least,
he is the President of Federated Grocery Stores.
I want you to say hello to Mike Sweezy.
I really like this process.
I like to meet the new cooks coming up,
and we have a club card, which is an excellent deal.
- Mm-hmm. - And...
Explain the club card.
- Well, you get a discount. - Okay.
And here is a special message
from the President of Van Rookle Farms,
the beloved and adored, Morty Van Rookle Ill.
Hey, welcome...
I love you. I love you, Morty.
to Van Rookle Farm's million-dollar Cook-off.
Yeah.
One million dollars of my money.
Yeah, let's see some hands. Come on, put them up there.
That's right, good.
Wave, honey. Just wave and look at the camera.
Wave. Good, that's good.
Thank you. Thank you, Morty, and your beloved beautiful missus.
I have a feeling it's going to be a great weekend
to be a bulimic.
And now, for your pleasure...
Are you serious or are you joking around?
Jericho and Moonlight.
I'm not trying to be a...
It's a cook-off.
No, we're not, but I do need it from...
Jesus Christ.
Did you hear what she just said?
She asked me if she could borrow the battery,
I'm not even joking around, to our camera.
I'm a judgmental person, so, I'm the right man for the job.
So, I'm going to have a lot of opinions,
I speak my mind, and, um...
I am a little hungover,
so that's not going to be easy on people
but I think it makes my opinions a little sharper.
Are those real women?
Right now, we're going to watch the lighting of the...
uh, ceremonial stove.
I'm just curious, Tim. Was this your idea?
- Yeah. - How did I know?
Let the flour fly!
Let's back up...
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm in the way here.
The competition is like a battlefield in here,
which I love.
Oh, look at this. They're coming in here.
They're taking their stances.
Genuinely starting to feel the excitement,
and we'll meet some of these people.
Say hi to them real quick.
They're thinking about what they're doing.
They're trying to get their packaging open.
They're trying to get their jars open.
They're trying to get their cans open.
They're trying to cut their lemons.
They're trying to prepare the ingredients
that might make them the big million-dollar winner here.
I'll tell you what, I'm getting caught up in the excitement.
75 pounds of margarine,
150 pounds of refrigerator biscuits,
67 ovens all for the one-million-dollar prize.
As a matter of fact, we will be the first
African-American people
to ever win the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
Never once.
I mean, all the black people in the world that cook,
and not one of them has won.
The chances of her not winning the cook-off,
you have greater chances of me putting on wooden shoes
right now and dancing until they burst aflame.
Yeah.
She's going to win the cook-off.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Sharon!
What's up, brother?
Hi, how are you? I'm Lars..
- Yeah, my nigga. - Hi.
- Hello, negro. - I didn't even see you here.
Yes, I'm here with my fiancé.
Who? I don't see no sisters.
No, no, no. She's not a sister.
She's standing right over there.
- Is she white? - Yes.
I heard them white women is crazy in the bedroom.
- Excuse me? - What?
Once we do make very sweet and slow love,
I'm sure it will be a wild experience.
You ain't tasted that cracker yet?
Pardon me?
You ain't tasted on that cracker yet?
My brother is a preacher and he get
more drawers than anybody.
You don't need to be telling...
Well, I truly believe you keep the candy in the jar
until it's time to eat it, okay?
- Why would you do that? - Her candy is in her jar, okay?
We are authorized to use force at this time.
The competition has already begun.
Miss, miss, miss...
They're going to have to... oh shit, I gotta go.
Sorry, ma'am.
At this time, don't make me get you in a chokehold, lady.
I am not...
this is the wrong day, you understand me?!
Whoa, excuse me, everything's okay.
Can I help you?
I'm Amber and I'm here,
and I've been chosen,
and I want to get in there and cook. I'm sorry.
- Oh, we're a little late. - Well, that's all right.
Yeah, disqualified.
- No. - Yeah.
- Actually, no, I'm not. - You're disqualified.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Well, okay, we're all disqualified.
Fine, I'm not going to win a million dollars.
Hi, Blue Earth.
Hi, Golden Minutes Senior Day Care.
Hello. It's Pauline.
It's Pauline.
You remember Pauline?
Because I didn't tell her I entered.
She told me nothing.
Really.
I feel angry that she didn't... just because you...
because I could have helped you, that was all.
I just was a little...
It's a vegetable dish, it is cream corn
for the lactose intolerant, it's a good idea.
It's not like she's going to win, you know.
I actually know that it's my destiny to win
because I had a vision
that I would win the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off.
So that's something we both know.
Right.
The Pope is the example I always give.
I think the Pope is the kind of guy to be like,
"You know, I'm probably not going to be
an insurance salesman, I'm probably going to be,
like, the Pope or something," you know.
So that's what happened to me
is I just knew that this is what's going to happen.
No, I'm sorry, you're late for the...
I mean, I can show you in the rulebook.
I'm aware we're late.
We've been driving for two weeks.
No, no... Any con...
- No, no, no! - Sorry, sorry.
Miss, miss, miss. Sir, can I ask you
to ask your lady to give us the tag number?
- Don't call her a lady. - I'm sorry.
Do you have to start and end every conversation
by saying that I'm not going to win the cook-off?
- Pauline. - Whoa, sorry, sorry.
Only contestants allowed on the competition floor.
- I'm sorry, what is your name? - I'm Amber and I'm here.
- Oh, Amber Strain. - Yes.
Well, I am so sorry, but you...
It's okay. It's been rude, but it's okay.
Oh, it's been terrible.
I am so sorry, but you are disqualified.
No, I'm actually not.
Don't do that. Get that giant off me.
Sorry, unless there's a force of majeure,
as it says, you can't come in here.
- I don't have one of those. - Force majeure.
I don't have one of those.
We do have that. We have a force majeure.
No, no. Unless there is a force of majeure...
We've been driving all the way from Pittsburgh.
They said...
Distance is not force of majeure.
And if you're... I'm speaking right now.
I'm speaking.
If you are tardy, you're disqualified.
Would you please tell me what it was that kept you
from getting here on time?
We picked up a man in drawstring pants,
which I'd like to say is not a good idea.
He took his pants off.
There was an incident at a gas station,
and I did not put my fingers anywhere,
and next thing I know we're in trouble,
and we're walking.
She didn't put her fingers anywhere
and that's what we want to remember.
- I didn't do anything! - I'm American.
I was trying to pull his pants up!
This is part of the drama of a cook-off.
Let her in! Let her in! Let her in! Let her in!
Something very interesting is happening here
where people are advocating
for the late couple here.
My name is Amber, and I want to cook!
Let her in! Let her in!
Absolutely, it's... Terrific, let's let her in.
Now, minding, she only has about...
35 minutes to finish a recipe.
- Where do I go? Where do I go? - Number 16.
This is just an amazing story here.
These people, from what I understand,
have been living out of a car,
doing everything they can to get here to this competition
in hopes of winning a million dollars.
Where is he? Where's my honey? Where is he?
He usually opens all the cans.
I have a little arthritis.
And now she's going to do her best and this is very dramatic,
- let's keep an eye on her. - I need my can opener.
We had picked up a man somewhere in Iowa,
and one thing that we turned around to back up the van,
he did not have pants on.
It was... I did not know what to do.
Obviously, we got to a gas station,
and next thing I'm in trouble
because he doesn't have pants on.
I don't know him.
Because a lot of people have been talking about you.
Then I will have you to know
that I'm going to go down in history,
right along the sides of Aunt Jemima
and Mrs. Butterworth's.
See, those are two black women,
colored gals if you will,
um, who have made their mark in the cooking world.
Now a lot of people don't know
that Mrs. Butterworth's is black.
Well, when you fill up the bottle with the syrup,
there's no denying that she's black.
You see what I mean?
What...
What are you doing?
Get up. Get it on, put it on.
This is out... outrageous!
- I'm taking a break. - Oh, my God! This is like...
- No cameras, no cameras. - Get him! Help him up.
- ...the Muffin Man... - No cameras!
Outrageous.
The gloves. The glove.
I did not like that guy at the door.
- Well, I think he did his best. - Over there, I don't like him.
I think he did his best.
Muffin Man does three things.
He waves, he giggles,
and he hugs contestants who are pleased...
Oh, God. Not me!
These are blueberry.
Some of the dishes I can see with my eyes.
I don't need to taste that.
I don't even know if I can smell it.
I don't even know if I can get near it.
Just by looking at it, you lose, you lose,
you, um, should be arrested for that.
We were just being nice.
So the point is don't...
if someone has a drawstring pant on
and they want a ride, I guess don't pick them up.
That's what I'm trying to tell America.
Listen here, in America,
do not pick up a person with drawstring pants.
They come off so easy.
It's like being on safari, but the car is open
and the animals are coming at you,
and they're serving you their young.
It's what it's like,
but their young are slathered with butter, cinnamon,
and sorts of... like, cheese/meat by-products.
I see she's hurting, and I don't want to
get in the middle of the story,
but we are going to stick with you
- if that's all right, Amber. - That's okay.
That's okay.
Do you do your own hair?
- It's so nice. - Well, thank you.
- Do you do your own hair? - I do. I do.
- What's going on? - My sister...
My sister is marrying a homosexual.
Did you say homosexual?
Well, how do you know?
He's over there.
Sharon!
It makes me upset, and I want you to talk to her,
and I know that you happen to know a lot about love,
and I need you to help me because I just don't...
Well, I just have to tell you,
I'm really not a relationship counselor.
- Oh, Captain. - Really, I'm not even a Captain.
Tell us what you're making.
I am making a sweet potato,
which is technically a vegetable, and I layer it.
I put sweet potatoes, condensed milk,
marshmallows, baby marshmallows.
I find that if you use the big marshmallows,
they just don't, they don't melt up,
and then some chocolate right on top.
Chocolate?
You know, I can't talk and bake at the same time, okay?
No one knows...
no one ever thinks this is coming, but I do this.
Just... Nobody knows that.
I would have never thought to do that.
- It's nice. It's fresh. - It's very original.
So I know you want me to do well,
so, um, I've got to say good-bye, okay?
No, no, no, no!
And then do you just cook it over the stovetop?
I just mash the shit out of it.
Do I feel like I've pushed Cassi too hard?
Absolutely not. She needs every push, every jab,
- every kick I can give her. - I need it. I need it.
She needs it.
I've made this with a Bunsen burner.
I have made this, oh, I made it with a cigarette lighter
in much smaller amounts, but it really does work.
Yeah, sure.
And not unlike, have you seen the shows on TV
where the really fat people have to lose the weight,
and so they sweat and they sweat and they cry and they cry,
and it's like,
"Can't go anymore, can't go anymore"
and their coaches just say,
"Yes, you can, do it, do it, do it, you're fat."
You are pretty, you are smart. Keep saying that.
Mommy thinks I'm pretty.
- You don't have to be pretty - Mommy thinks I'm smart.
to win a cook-off competition.
It sure helps. It sure helps.
You just need to have a good recipe.
And you think Mommy won...
Mommy made nice with the judges, dear.
Would you like some?
There's raw eggs, but they're probably fresh.
Thank you, I'd love to taste some when it's done.
If you can just remember, when a judge walks by,
just sort of wiggle your hip. Always worked for mommy.
I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay, bye.
That was very rude.
- That was... - Use more marshmallows.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Are you allowed on this floor?
Sir, you're going to need to step back.
He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay.
Very strict here about letting people on the floor.
I said back it up, hot shot!
Can't you hear me?!
Let... don't spill his coffee!
Your sister seems to think that,
you know, I have a little knowledge
regarding relationships,
because I was a captain on a television show.
Well, you're the captain of the Love Boat.
No, but I want to confess.
I'm as dumb as the next guy.
Oh, you're too modest.
I just want to tell you something.
You know, uh...
you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make them drink.
Now maybe your fiancé doesn't like to drink water.
Oh, he loves water.
I don't... I need a can opener that works.
Ma'am, I'm just trying to keep everything...
My mom had always made this dish
when I was growing up, and I can't find her anymore
and I don't... About six months ago, she left,
just for a little walk and we haven't seen her
in six... seven months, six or seven months.
So, I'd be awfully curious to know where she is.
I really need a can opener that works.
Do you have a can opener that works?
Good luck.
I don't mean that.
The love of my life is cooking.
It's just very emotional.
Oh, are you nervous?
I'm very nervous. I'm very nervous.
Have I had any influence on Del's cooking or baking?
No, absolutely none. He's the one who teaches me.
Have you ever heard of the phrase idiot savant?
That's him.
What the hell are you saying?
How much time do I have here?
We're really here, aren't we?
We're really doing it.
Honey, I'm doing it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah.
It's really good, too.
It's really good.
All right, nice meeting you, my man.
I'll be looking for you.
That shouldn't hurt. That should not hurt.
Okay. Pleasure to meet you.
Peace! Peace!
Peace, two fingers! Holla! Holla!
What's up?
I just need you to keep it down in this area.
Oh, three black people together is too much for you.
My Swahili brother over there,
oh, that's too much Africa up in the house.
I don't know if you can get a shot of that,
but that's really looking about where it should be.
I'm cooking, honey!
- Cook it though. - I'm cooking it.
- What? - Baby, you want a taste?
Yeah.
- You want a taste? - Oh wait, oh wait.
Okay. Not yet.
Not yet. It's not done yet.
- Cook it. - It's hotter than I thought.
Pauline. Pauline.
What did you tell Captain Stubing
about my relationship with Lars?
What's going on with that?
I said, "My sister's getting married."
I said... That's all I said. I said... you know?
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you
to take a breather outside.
Ah! Don't put your hands on me!
- Okay... - That's assault and batter.
And I like to put a little of these
just on the top of it because it looks good.
Basically, I spread 'em out
with my hands... it's fine, once everything cooks,
they're not that clean but it really cooks up nice.
You all have got to get along or my pressure's going to go up.
I would like to offer both of you a 50-cent coupon,
50 cents off anything...
- Ooh, thank you. - That is for you.
Thank you, my man. My man.
It is a pleasure to have you here.
Timothy Whims!
- Yeah, honey? - Are you using coconut milk?
I'm putting... I don't have coconut milk.
No, I'm putting in evaporated milk.
What?
I'm putting in evaporated milk!
Evaporated milk?
I've just noticed that there's a little tension
between the two of you. Is that totally the competition?
My sister is, you know, less than zero chance of winning
because there's actually never been a vegetable winner.
The odds of, like, a meteor crashing down into this room
and landing directly on your head.
Sharon has calculated the odds of her sister,
Pauline, winning.
- Why are you doing this? - What do you mean?
I'm here, okay?
I'm here. That's a big thing for me, okay?
I'm very proud of you for that.
I know, you're the show pony of the family,
and I'm the work horse, but I got here, okay?
Why are you attacking me?
This is, like, my moment in the sun
and all a sudden you're like...
And you insult me in front of other people
and you put me down all the time.
I am sick of it.
- Oh, I put you down? - Yes, you do.
I don't know what you are doing right now.
Oh, by the way,
I am not paying your MasterCard bill this month.
I'm just thinking that maybe the best thing for us...
is don't speak.
Fine. I don't want to talk to you.
You are married?
Uh... No.
Um... Well, I haven't met Mr. Right.
Um, I was engaged,
and my mother thought that he wasn't suitable for me,
and I think she was right.
Well, I hate to interrupt you there,
but I know you want to get back to what you're cooking
and I don't want to hold you up here.
Good luck to you and all my best.
Oh...
I've never had a badge bef...
I get a badge!
I've never had a badge before.
I tried to do some police work because I like a badge,
but they said absolutely not,
and I could not get up that ladder wall anyway.
I've been pulled over by the police,
and that's what made me think maybe it was a good fit,
'cause I always end up talking to them,
and we get along pretty well.
I mean, and not so well when I'm arrested,
but if they let me off that usually goes pretty well.
I burned my pie.
Yeah, what is it?
Okay, we have a code red.
Code red! Fire in aisle, what is it?
Well, what is it? Aisle two.
- Where is it? What's smoking? - It's right here.
I've got to go, Mom.
Ah... Ah!
- Is it on fire? - No, here.
Cassandra, Don't embarrass me.
Well, that's not a fire. That's not a fire.
I was called for a fire. That's just a burned pie.
Stop looking stupid!
- I'm sorry. - Don't apologize to me.
I mean, you've got a little bit of time.
If you want to make it again, you have the time.
You have the ingredients.
Okay, I'm going to make it again.
I'm going to make it again.
I can make it again. I can make it again.
I'm going to make it again, and I'm going to do it my way.
My name is Pauline Solfest, and I'm the other...
- What are you making? - Cream corn.
- Oh... - That looks good though.
Cream corn makes me sick, but good luck.
It makes me really sick.
Cream corn kind of... it never really changes form.
I think it goes in like it comes out.
Are you concentrating? Are you concentrating?
You know what?
You can take this recipe and shove it!
Honey, listen to me.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
I never wanted to do this in the first place.
You made me do this.
You know what? 'Cause you're a has-been!
I'm not a has-been! I'm not a has-been!
I taught her everything!
I taught you everything!
That actually looks and smells awfully good.
It is very good, and again it's super easy.
I mean, if you were blind, you could make it.
You know, if you were blind, you could still cook, you know?
You have one minute left
for the Van Rookle's...
One-million-dollar contest.
You only have, like, thirty seconds.
Yes, just go. Go!
Please hand in your recipes now.
It's not browning, honey! It's not browning, okay?
It's not browning! It's not browning!
Do you have a lighter? Do you have your lighter?
Her dish is not finished.
I think she's going to go with it as it is.
Everybody is bringing their food down.
She's going to have to bring it up.
It's not browning. It's not browning!
I can't serve it if it's not brown.
This is what it boils down to,
the final moment where these people
are rushing towards the station.
Okay, I'm doing it.
I'm doing...
I still have it!
I have to disqualify you if the food touches the ground.
- No, it's not! - Another technicality.
I'm sorry.
Honey, he said it touched the ground.
I think you touched the ground.
I don't write 'em. I just read 'em.
So if you touched the ground, that's disqualified.
What would you have done with the million dollars
if you did win?
Excuse me, that is a very unkind question.
I would fire him,
and I'd get a new van and I'd find my mother.
The food has touched the ground,
and excuse me, but I think Timothy Whims
is taking a little bit too much pleasure in that fact.
I think he's an asshole.
It's the end of day one
at the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off,
and tensions are running high. It's been a big emotional day.
Uh, we don't know who the seven finalists are.
We will find out that tomorrow. In the meantime,
the contestants will be going to a party tonight
to let their hair down a little bit
and tear it out perhaps.
But there have been a couple of disqualifications.
Cassi was eliminated today, is that right?
I am so humiliated.
Cassandra, this is your mother speaking.
You are a sick, sick little puppy,
and I don't want you to come home
until you get... help
with some mental health professional.
I feel liberated.
I feel liberated right now.
My father left us because she's a bitch, okay?
My father couldn't handle her, all right?
And any time any man would come around,
she would scare them away.
You know what?
Tonight, I'm going to the first guy I see.
I'm going to him.
And all the recipes are in.
No one knows who's going to be in the ring of fire,
the seven finalists.
So you feel okay about how it went today, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, good, so maybe you'll be in the ring of fire tomorrow.
- He's shy. - I like some chocolate cake.
- I like vanilla pudding. - Okay. Okay. Okay.
Whoo! Yeah!
You know,
what if they both made it into the finals tomorrow?
Wouldn't that be something?
If that happens, I will probably sprout wings
from my bottom and fly out of here butt first, okay?
That's not gonna happen.
I'm just questioning the wisdom of fraternizing
with a corporate symbol is all I'm saying.
I'm questioning the wisdom of you walking around
with your hoo-has sticking out of your what-nots.
Someone's gonna drop a meatball down there.
These biscuits represent an opportunity for your coming
to metastasize his reach into the black community.
Hey, remember that guy, Del Crawford?
Oh right, yeah.
Remember him, I asked for a background check.
You're a cheater.
He's cooking your recipe. It's so obvious.
- He is the love of my life. - Oh.
We met over a love of chocolate in France and you're jealous.
You are a pretender to the throne.
Not cool.
You know what, Daneel?
You're going to get caught.
Love your blouse.
I have one like it actually.
So anyway, my favorite ice cream is butter pecan.
- What's yours? - Butter pecan.
Oh, it is not! It is not! It is not!
I've been thinking about it.
I think that tonight's the night.
I think... I think we should...
- do it. - Do it?
We should do it.
- Tonight? - Tonight.
But Pauline's in the room...
No, she's got that muffin guy.
She's not going to come back for hours.
- Let's just do it. - Do it.
Let's really just do it and do it fast and good.
Do it fast and good.
Okay, I'm so glad you agree, give me a kiss.
Mm.
You're hot.
Yeah, I'm in room 598.
- I like that shirt. - Oh, thank you.
I made it at a two day sewing event back in Blue Earth.
- You sew? - Yeah, I do a lot of sewing.
Pattern work, mostly pattern work.
I sew.
You are lying.
Electric cut on a bias.
You honestly sew? Well, let me reintroduce myself.
- Lars. - Yeah, Del.
That is wonderful. That's wonderful.
You don't figure everybody's into it, but you are.
- No, I like cookin'... - Very nice.
Oh, God, forgive me, I am not myself right now.
I have been put under pressure, so to speak, to perform.
To perform.
To do something I have not really ever done,
and I don't feel comfortable at A-L-L.
I've never danced this way before.
You're perfect.
Okay, break it up!
I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm so sorry about that.
It's just that Muffin Man,
he's being a little inappropriate.
Oh, no, it's okay, it was consensual
because I had asked him to dance.
Okay, you know what?
If Muffin Man is free to dance all night he wants,
as long as it's the Muffin Man dance,
the Muffin Man dance. Let's see it.
Give me the Muffin Man dance.
There we go. There we go.
Okay, no hips together.
No...
I was having fun.
You are not being paid to have fun!
Oh...
You know, you are dressed perfectly for a place
that I think you would really like.
Really?
Yeah, it's a bar/club kind of thing.
Lots of good people there.
Is it going on now?
Oh, yeah, dancing, having fun.
- Better music than this. - Okay, let's, um...
- Let's go. - Yeah?
Yes, let's go anywhere except here.
How did you... you didn't make that?
- No. You'll love it. - The Banana.
We've got to go in.
- All right. - Go, go, go.
- I want to get you something. - Fine, thank you.
- I'll be right back. - I'll just look at the décor.
Well, look at the décor.
Really...
- The banana swings. - Imagine that.
That is funny, isn't it?
A bar like this called Bananas.
I know you.
- Really? - David Lord, hi.
- Hi. - My name is Lars Hagerbakke.
Sharon Solfest is my fiancé.
- And she's in the thing? - We are getting married
a little sooner than I feel comfortable,
but yet we are getting married.
You're in a bar called Bananas.
If I were speaking to my sister, Pauline,
I would say it's 4:30,
and I'm wondering where's my fiancé.
Where is he?
If I were speaking to my sister, Sharon,
I'd say, "Sharon, shut up and quit talking to me
- so I can go to sleep." - You don't care.
- No. - Lars is... probably in a ditch,
but it doesn't really matter to you.
Sharon, he doesn't have a car.
You are not living up to the words of our song.
Did you ever show that you're my shero?
You are not everything I would like...
You are not everything that I would like to be.
I cannot fly higher than an eagle
because you sit on my wings.
Zip it!
Oh, zip it. Oh, that's nice.
Just work on your speech.
I'm going to put that in the speech.
- Work on your speech, okay? - "I want to thank my sister..."
Make sure it goes on for at least half an hour,
because everyone's interested.
I know it's been said before, but I think
I might just say the whole, you know,
"You like me, you really like me."
Dear Lord, help Sharon to have peace in her heart
and to quit flapping her gums.
Dearest Lord in heaven,
will you please help Pauline to, like,
get back to her old personality,
how she used to be before she got so big headed?
Stuff her ponytail in her mouth.
You think Jesus gets involved with stuff like that?
Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!
They are nothing but... gorgeous men, aren't there?
They are nothing but just men dancing.
You don't come to a bar called Bananas for ladies.
This is, um...
- Okay. - Hey, I got you this.
Hey. We are, by the way, in a, uh...
we are in a gay bar.
Put that behind your ear. Let me see that.
You look like Dolores del Rio.
- You love her, don't you? - Yeah, I do.
See, that's what I'm saying. Probably love the Streisand.
I learned my first Streisand
literally before I could speak.
- Right. - Oh, my God.
Probably love Annie Get Her Gun.
Oh, God, get me... I need something to drink.
Get this guy something with an umbrella in it.
- I have something. - Okay.
Doesn't that feel good?
- Yeah, it does. - Sip of freedom, my friend.
Sip the freedom.
Feel the warmth of acceptance.
Let's dance, come on. Come on.
Before... before we do, may I?
Everyone, my name is Lars Hagerbakke
and...
I too am a gay.
Oh, yeah.
My name is Lars Hagerbakke from Blue Earth, Minnesota
and I too am a gay.
Sing it out, Louise!
You're not going to do this every time, are you?
- What? - The big speech and everything.
Oh. You got it.
Sharon. Sharon.
I lost my... the key.
How's the ditch?
- How's the ditch? - I don't get it.
- Were you in a ditch? - No, I was not at a ditch.
I was at... I was at a bar.
We...
Well, I hope you had a good time!
I had a great time.
We've been waiting up all night.
- We haven't gotten any sleep. - I apologize.
I have something that I need to share with both of you.
We don't even have time for apologies,
so just know that I forgive you because I'm a good Lutheran.
- Sharon? - What?
I'm gay.
I know this is going to come as a complete surprise
to both of you, but I am gay.
- No. - Yes.
- No. No. - Yes. Yes.
- No. No. - Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I'm sorry, no.
Lars, gay is, like, a choice, okay?
- Gay is, like a perm. - Sh...
You can get a perm. You cannot get a perm.
Gay is like slipping on a comfortable sweater.
If it's a choice to slip on a comfortable sweater,
yes, I just chose to put on
my very gay sweater and it feels good.
Remember the story of the boy and the Söcker Kaka
where we waited and waited and waited?
That was sort of a mistake.
Okay, here comes those friends, my salty old friends.
Here they come.
But you waited on...
You waited on something that's never going to happen.
We really have to go. Just change, okay?
You know what? I picked out an outfit for you.
I have to swap out my hair.
This is not my competition hair.
All right, so just get dressed. Let's go, let's go.
Sharon, I just want you to know that no matter what happens,
I will seriously be there for you always.
Yeah, Lars, because you're going to be my husband,
so you'll be there. We'll be in the same house.
Sharon, you're... kind of in denial.
Lars, do you know what denial is?
Denial's just a really negative word for positive thinking.
No, in this case, denial is
you about to try and marry a homosexual man.
There is a camp. It's called Straight Ahead.
It's a place where you go if you're confused
about you think you're gay.
You do craft projects, fix your thinking...
Singing and macramé is going to straighten someone out?
I don't think so.
Oh, this is crazy. This is just crazy.
- Sharon. - What?
I'm sorry.
If... Do you... is it going to be weird
if I ask you for the pink diamond?
Is that un... It's uncomf... It is uncomfortable.
I'm going to go over here for a second.
You don't go anywhere.
That... it is weird, isn't it?
I'll... later, I should get it later.
All right, no, it's not weird at all. Here.
And in fact, why don't you get it cleaned for me
because it's covered in chocolate pudding, okay?
I'll... I'll keep it.
I, um, I have a pie to make.
I have a million dollars to win, so I've got to go.
Pauline, let's just go.
I'm rooting for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the moment we've all been waiting for.
It's time to announce the seven finalists.
Number one category,
in bright and early breakfast treats,
the winner is Hot and Tasty Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits,
Ladybug Briggs, Atlanta, Georgia.
- Smells like biscuits! - Hell, yes!
Circle into the ring of fire, Ladybug!
- Mama, you got this! - There she comes.
In the first category, the luscious pies and cakes,
the winner is,
Easy One Cupboard Death By Chocolate Pie,
Sharon Solfest, Blue Earth, Minnesota.
Sharon, step into the ring of fire.
Sharon, you're the best!
We love you the best!
Way to go, Sharon.
In... Congratulations, there.
Whoa!
In scrumptious salads and side dishes, the winner is...
Whoa! What are you doing?
Let me help you.
There's no way to get in there.
I think there's a little confusion as to how to get
into the ring of fire,
and I think that causes some to be embarrassed.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
We talked this morning about this.
There has to be a way to get into the ring of fire.
We still haven't found out a way
to get into that fire...
ring of fire.
They need a way to get into the ring!
I know I said it's a ring.
Well, so, get somebody down here.
Off you go, okay?
And in munchable baked delights,
the winner is Chocolate Coco-Nutty Cream Bars,
Del Crawford, Tama, Iowa. Del!
You did it.
He did it. He's a finalist.
Jennifer Watson...
Step into that ring of fire, Jennifer!
The last finalist is the very veggie vegetables,
is Pauline's Corn,
Pauline Solfest, Blue Earth, Minnesota.
This is really exciting,
and now it's a real blood match.
Ladies and gentlemen,
two sisters competing for the one-million-dollar prize.
...how we can get into the ring of fire.
Congratulations to all the winners.
Good job, Del!
I bet your mama's proud.
She's dead, but my dad is probably proud.
Very proud.
I'm sorry about your mother.
We have our contestants here,
just waiting to begin.
Um, our final leg of the one-million-dollar
Van Ruckle Farms Cook-off,
and I think any second now,
the contestants are about to begin.
Grand prize finalists in the ring of fire,
start your ovens.
- Has anybody approached you? - For what, honey?
To win the million dollars, like split it with you,
- anything like that? - Oh.
I mean, not to put too fine a point on it.
No, but I wonder, is it too late for me
to approach somebody?
Do you feel sorry for anybody?
Is there somebody you would vote for
because you feel sorry for them?
In the black leather outfit
is weeping into a large mixing bowl.
Sharon.
Sharon. Sharon?
Sharon, I love you. I'm sorry we weren't talking.
Come on. Come on.
- You're my best friend. - You're my best friend, too.
Come on. Come on.
You are my shero.
You're everything I want...
Honey, I'm going to do what they do
on the TV programs.
You know, where they put the people out on the island
and you have to get voted off.
I'm going to do what they call
stay under the radar.
Well, you know, her boyfriend, he's a real...
he's different, okay? He's a real different guy.
Listen to me.
I'm gonna grab your arm real strong like,
and I'm going to say listen here!
You've got cooking to do!
You ain't got no time to be worrying about
what your man does,
say he want to go mess around with another man.
You've got to pull this thing together here.
Don't let no mans pull you down.
- Okay. - You understand what I'm...
- You're totally right. - Stop crying and get to bakin'.
Sharon, she's right. Get to bakin'.
Compartmentalize.
Bake!
Come on, go.
No, I'm doing it.
I'm doing it just like you said.
Yeah, 'cause I can do what I want.
That's right, with whatever you...
what are you looking at?
You want to mind your own business?
Well, look, your recipe isn't the Bible, okay?
No, it's not your business.
No, I did that.
Hi.
Look, if it doesn't win,
I'm gonna burn your house down.
My grandfather.
You better watch your Ps and Qs.
Something smells like poop in this ring of fire.
And I'm standing right next to it, okay?
Uh...
You're leaking.
What?
You're leaking. You've got fluid coming out of ya.
You peeing in the ring of fire?
I'm not peeing in the ring of fire
and I'm not leaking, idiot.
- What is it then? It's like... - It's just a little spillage
of some special ingredients that I use.
Coming out of your hoo-ha?
When are you going to tell someone
that you're in labor?
That was a leg cramp.
Come over here.
Breathe. Breathe through it.
How are things?
Good.
You're kind of a laconic guy, aren't you?
You're one of... you're the only man in here.
How's it feel?
Um, they didn't tell me I'd be the only man.
Do me a favor. Please, please don't tell anybody.
- Pauline, I love you. - I love you.
This smoke in the ring of fire
is just not working for me.
I'm sorry, I'm not cooking hickory chicken here.
No, I'm not bruising the coconut.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final countdown.
Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six...
five, four, three,
two, one. Time is up! Oven's off!
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentleman.
There, the lights go up.
It's over and I will be
bringing you live, the million-dollar winner
- as soon as new know about it. - Final judging!
How are you feeling?
Good. I'm feeling very, very good.
There goes the Hot and Tasty Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits
and how are you feeling, Ladybug?
It's all up to God now.
To the point. That's what it is.
Breakfast is the stuffed biscuits
and by Ladybug Briggs,
Atlanta, Georgia. It is...
Ladybug Briggs, she has a gold tooth.
This is the dish that's causing a lot of buzz here.
Any, uh, mention there of a nail?
Let me ask Ladybug Briggs.
Oh, that's one of her nails.
Try to get one.
Maybe there's a false eyelash in there somewhere.
I don't know, maybe someone's purse.
Who knows.
I've been very moved by these women
and that one crazy guy who came here
and cooked their hearts and souls out
with these peculiar, peculiar dishes.
Well...
But we have to absolutely vote for...
Choose a winner.
that tastes the best.
- That does not taste the best. - To me it tastes great.
Well, you know, taste is subjective.
It sounds like you're kind of pushing us towards this.
- No. - For nefarious reasons.
I think it's drawing us toward it.
Nefarious.
And apparently somebody really likes it.
- Morty likes it. - Morty's not a judge.
Subject to us.
We need access to the jumbotron.
We want to put that tape...
you know that tape I'm talking about?
- This is fixed. - Absolutely, not.
I smell a rat.
- And I, I'll alert the media. - Let me just tell you,
the Federated Groceries and Van Rookle Farms
really need to shore up their support
in the urban ethnic communities,
and for me, what better way to do it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll go to the media, I mean it.
My next door neighbor's cousin is on The View.
Okay, okay, which one are you voting for?
We now come to the climax
of the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
On that silver tray is the one-million-dollar recipe.
So, without further ado,
the winner and the entry that gets to run away
with one million dollars of Morty Van Pookle's money
is...
Del Crawford for his
Chocolate Coco-Nutty Dream Bars recipe.
- Del Crawford. - I won! I won!
I won!
Justice! Justice! Justice!
Ladies and gentleman,
I promised you a story. This is a story and a half,
you are not going to believe this.
Just watch and learn.
I used to run one...
- Whoo! - Yeah!
This isn't my thing. I mean, I don't bake.
I don't like baked goods.
I don't like... I like chocolate.
What is this? What is this?
...the gay bar?
I've got to lower the phone, I thought I blew it...
I just want to hold that really big check.
That man's a cheater!
- No, I mean I really do. - What?
He cheated my mama out of a million dollars!
Turn off the jumbotron!
That ain't going down like that!
Please calm down! I need...
Get out! Get out!
There's been cheating at the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
It has never happened in the history of...
We will prepare a statement.
Nothing to worry about, people.
Just get everybody out and that means you.
I have credentials!
Security guards on every door.
I want everybody out.
Excuse me, I need you out... I need you outside.
A leopard does not change its spots.
- Where's the... - He just ran out!
Oh, yeah.
At this time, I'm going to need everybody
to disperse from this area.
I am bringing to you live
here from the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off
what may well be the very first incident
of cheating ever at the cook-off.
Well, it seems that three time finalist, Daneel Kuhar,
has put in her fiancé, Del Crawford, in her place,
calling him from the audience
in order to prompt him on his recipe
in order to win the one million dollars,
a clear infraction of the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off rules.
Hey, honey. Just checking in.
- How are you doing? - Hi, honey.
It sounds like you're in pain. What's going on?
- The baby's coming, isn't he? - Shut up. I haven't... sh!
I honestly need to speak with my ex-fiancé, Sharon.
Though I no longer feel that way about women,
we still have a very special connection.
I understand, sir, and I celebrate your lifestyle,
but no one is going inside this room!
The area is sealed, code black!
Make way for the muffin. Make way for the muffin.
That is it! Just the muffin. Just the muffin!
You're not a muffin...
All right, lady, you're coming with me.
You know, but I don't think now's the time.
- Sweetheart, come with me. - No, no, I've seen you look.
Oh, God!
- I'm sure you're very good. - Honey, it's me. It's me.
All right, just understand that I have my orders.
...from Mr. Whims himself!
Everybody, just please, if you could just,
if we could just have your patience.
We're in a lockdown.
Anyone who is not a final contestant
needs to wait here.
Did you hear that? We're in a lockdown.
I have been authorized to use pepper force on you!
Everybody just take one giant step back.
Don't make me pull out my feng shui on you, man.
- Whoa, okay. - I'll go yin-yang on you, bro.
I am unsheathing my pepper spray!
I don't know if you can see this here,
but they're bringing in a stretcher.
Clear a path, please?
No one may go in! No one is allowed!
That is not how it works in my conference room.
Just calm down.
I am calm. You remain calm!
There's a 911 call, there's a woman in labor in there.
Okay, okay, just him.
How come y'all ain't called the police
on the white dude!
My mama's in there man!
Your mother's been...
I'll go straight Kung Pao chicken on you man!
Man, they're freaks about security.
These Van Rookle people are nut balls,
I'm not kidding ya.
- Did you let the paramedics in? - The Muffin Man authorized it.
This is the Muffin Man!
I didn't recognize him without his suit.
My mama's in there, she don't need to see that.
My mama's in there!
- The competition's over. - Ma'am.
- Ma'am, what's wrong? - Are you...
- Do you know Lamaze? - Yeah, I've had three.
Do your breathing.
Hi, I'm Timothy Whims.
- Hi... - What's your name?
Uh, I'm the Muffin Man.
Okay, actually, no, you're not
and we'd appreciate it if you'd take off our mascot.
Now... please.
I can't take it off. My wife's having a baby.
Pauline. Pauline, hi.
Uh, could you get the apron, please, Pauline?
Thank you. Thank you.
Uh...
- It's good to see you again. - Put that on. Put that on.
Who are you?
Who... I'm the Muffin Man.
You don't... yeah.
- No. - Yeah.
- No. - Without my suit.
- No. - It's what I look like.
Why don't you have your suit on?
Well, I sold it.
We're in a lockdown, so I'm going to need all of you
to leave ASAP, and if you want to go too,
you can go but you forfeit your eligibility.
You know what, guys...
Sure. They are dividing our families.
There are more of us than there are of them.
So now you're listening to him stirring up the crowd.
We've seen muffins go by, we've seen naked men go by.
I think you're wonderful and... I hope you win.
Are you saying that to me because if I win,
you're gonna want my money or something?
No. No.
I want drugs.
Honey, I'm gonna get a vasectomy.
You said vasectomy, didn't ya?
- Okay. - I don't mean to be too forward.
I think you're as beautiful as the whole state of Minnesota.
Never in my life
has anyone ever said anything to me that way.
Step aside and open that door.
- I'm rooting for you. - Thanks.
Anybody hurts themselves, I am a lawyer.
Please, please,
will you hold it down, ladies and gentlemen?
I've never seen anything like this in my whole life.
I don't get paid enough money for this!
Hold it down. Hold it down!
From the Nosh Network,
I think finally we are going to hear
who the final, final winner
of the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off is,
after much Sturm und Drang, after much emotion.
The judges and contestants are filing in,
we're finally gonna hear
who wins the million-dollar prize.
Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen...
The judges have decided in their infinite wisdom
and their desire to avoid a lawsuit,
that the winner of the Van Rookle Farm's
one-million-dollar cook-off
is Pauline Solfest for Pauline's corn.
Oh, hell, no!
- Oh, yes! - I won!
Oh, my God...
Oh, I feel like I'm dreaming.
Oh, my God. You guys are all looking at me right now.
I don't know what to say... I didn't prepare anything...
Oh, my God.
This is America.
Anything can happen, anyone can make it,
and this is a young woman's dream come true.
You know, corn... is amazing.
Corn, it is good, it is sweet, you know.
Corn is good, and I love corn.
What's that? Oh.
Thank you so much.
I wouldn't have realized this life
if it wasn't for my supportive sister, Pauline.
You have decided to let me in the limelight.
This is where I've been able to truly shine.
If it wasn't for her,
I wouldn't have had... the confidence
to apply for the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.
Thank you, judges, and thank you, Sharon.
Aw.
I love America.
Thank you. I love you, too.
Good evening,
and welcome to The Christine Merriweather Report.
Six months after the Van Rookle Farms scandal,
where are they now?
We'll take you inside the lives of the contestants,
judges, and the Van Rookle employees,
in the aftermath of the only cook-off
in the history of this country,
to spark a full Senate investigation.
This is a story you do not want to miss.
Stay tuned.
And we caught those cheaters.
We did. We caught 'em.
We put 'em... we put 'em in jail.
The Kuhar woman, we got her...
tax fraud for cheating the contest.
You know she had that boyfriend, we got him, too.
He's in the big house now.
We got him on grand theft motorcycle.
Not as big a charge,
but it's still substantial in my book.
It's been a dream of mine
to have a really big check in my hands.
Not so much the amount,
but the size of it, for a real long, long time,
since I was a kid, you know, and saw that on TV.
I was like, "Man, I hope I get to hold
a really big check some day."
I would say to the people at Van Rookle Farms,
make sure that the checks are small,
again not the amount,
the size of the actual... the literal size of the check.
I would say to the young people of this country,
stay away from baked goods, they're fattening.
And I would also say
open yourself up to all kinds of experiences.
Kill somebody, you know.
I'm philosophical about it.
Uh...
I get laid more in here.
I don't think I've ever fully recovered
from not winning.
Now Thaddeus seems to think
that there's some kind of way
I can still collect some earnings.
Thaddeus blew it for you, mama.
Mama, it is not your fault at all.
It's the fault of certain Korean businesses
like the Nail Pretty Heaven Salon,
that are cutting corners with their... their materials.
They stopped using good glue down there at that place.
That's what I'm talking about.
These Korean people cut corners.
Easy. You shouldn't be bothering the Koreans.
They have suffered enough with Vietnam and all that.
They don't need this.
Well, they come over here to this boy's church,
yelling and had signs and everything.
Which has caused my mother to lose a million dollars.
So we have filed a suit to make them pay for their negligence.
Now this is just them getting some steam off.
It's nothing serious, nothing to worry about.
You need to go out there. It's your Ho.
Don't call my girlfriend a ho.
That's her name, isn't it? Ho?
Well, it's Ho Lyn Lee Winn.
I'm going to go out there.
No, I'm gonna go out there!
No, you ain't going out there!
Those people probably go knives! Mama, please!
Ow! Ow!
After the competition, I... did not have a meltdown.
I know that that is the rumor that you heard,
but I had an awakening.
This incredible voice came out... of me.
You know, it was like a...
I just knew that there were a lot of people out there
that hated their mother,
and if I could just, like, reach out to,
like, that 13-year-old girl who, you know,
wants her mother to be hit... in the head,
you know, with a hammer.
So I thought, "Yeah, Victoria's Secretions."
She's apparently gone into
some sort of a music career,
but she never had any... I tried to.
I gave her piano lessons but we had to cut that off
when she was in second grade.
She, um, she bit the piano.
We don't speak. We have not spoken.
Present the house.
Military turn.
Larry and I found Sandra. She's been fine.
She was a little mouthy at first.
She has a little bit of an attitude,
but we're working on that, aren't we?
When I stopped talking, there was always silence,
and now with Sandra,
sometimes she talks, and I don't like that.
We didn't win the cook-off, but I think we did even better
because one of the products
that Patty came up with
is a vitamin pill that's just doing great.
Give it back!
And because of this bundle of joy,
we're not going to have any more bundles of joy.
I got... I got a vasectomy. Had it snipped.
And the vasectomy wasn't as bad as I thought
it was going to be.
In and out, snip and done.
Is that like when dogs get neutered?
Yes.
Welcome, everyone, to the Blue Earth Gay and Lesbian Center,
uh, also my shop.
I'm trying right now to work up something called Gay Day,
and that consists of gay performers,
gay farm animals for the kids to come and pet.
So we need to get those guys in here.
Let the kids rub something gay and know it's okay to be gay.
I think no one deserved to win more than Pauline Solfest
except for Sharon Solfest.
Look, I'm glad it's in the Solfest family,
make no mistake about that,
though it was my destiny for me to be saying,
"I won the..." you know,
but, um, it didn't work out that way
'cause somebody interfered with my destiny,
and that person was Lars Hagerbakke
and everybody knows that.
No one, no one knew Lars Hagerbakke was gay, okay?
Nobody knew. He wasn't gay.
You know what, Sharon.
You could argue that it was my destiny
because that's why all the dominos fell.
- It's all good. - She's not happy about it.
And then... and then we started Naughty Nibbles,
which is an erotic cake bakery.
- Hang on, Sexy Sisters' - Sexy Sisters' Naughty Nibbles,
- Naughty Nibbles. - Right.
because if there is one thing that I have learned
from winning this million dollars,
it's that I am one sexy gal.
She's sexy. We were in Peepa Magazine.
We were so sexy in that spread.
I'm here to tell you what, we were the sexy sisters.
- That's not bragging. - That's not bragging.
That's no brag...
We're speaking the truth.
So it's been six months, and I've moved to Blue Earth
to be with Pauline, and it is going great.
And my career has taken off.
I've really taken it in a totally different direction.
Um, now I am Mr. Cookie Head Man,
and you can see my face,
which is what after
being in that muffin costume for so long,
what I realized is a lot of acting
has to do with seeing your face.
It's just a lot more fun.
That's seen some... some good times.
- Wild times. - It's been...
Febreezed a couple of times.
- I love her. - I love you.
I love you.
- She's my sister. - And you know what?
She stood by me in my darkest hour.
- I'll never forget that. - Always.
And I am grateful.
I expected to be the one that has to sleep in the,
you know, the thing. But I'll do it.
This is supposed to be our romantic getaway
and so it's probably better that we...
There's the problem,
the R word, the romance.
For what I feel for you,
I do not want to be in that bed with you
with your sister in the room.
Why?
I would make love to you so vigorously and fast
that that would be embarrassing for me.
Well, that would be embarrassing.
It's because honey, if I'm on this bed with you,
there will be nothing but knocking around and sweating.
Do you know there's a saying, spooning leads to swooning,
and that leads to something you don't want.
There's a little boy, a very small boy,
and his mother's making Söcker Kaka.
He's putting in the sugar and he tries to eat the sugar
and the mother says,
"It's better to wait, better to wait."
Put in the flour, "it's better to wait."
The Söcker Kaka is ready and when we wait,
it practically melts in his mouth.
And that's what I want it to be like for us.
When we do make love,
I literally want to melt in her mouth.
Well, then you know what, I hear what you're saying
and I take the lesson of the Söcker Kaka
and I want you to melt in my mouth...
- Absolutely. - as much as you do.
So, I'll just put the bed up against the window
and leave a big path in case there's a fire or something.
Well, I am concerned about fire.
This is about me trying to protect myself from you.
In Africa, the men used to build cages around themselves
from what I've read,
to separate themselves from the women.
This is like an African cage I'm going to build around myself
and you might wake up and find me strapped to it,
to keep myself from you, because once I make love to you,
and I'm telling you this now,
and this is a promise for our wedding night,
it will be so vigorous and so fast
and harsh and loving,
that you are not going to want to do it again for a long time.
Let's save that kind of double fever.
Listen to you. He's full of beans.
I just want to be in an American hotel room with my fiancé,
but you want to be an African cage,
okay that's fine.
I think if everyone had a donut we'd calm down.
Everything is sexual to me right now.
That hole in that donut is sexual.
Oh, stop it.
I'm just saying if I wind up in bed beside you,
there is going to be a lot of noise
and action and sweating going on.
You're doing something they call tempting the fates.
That's a dangerous step.
I'll tell you what. Uh...
You know, maybe get a... you know,
- we could get a running start. - Pauline,
if you would like to watch us make love right now,
- you may as well watch. - Oh no, thank you.
You may as well watch, because this is what's going to happen.
Oh, God.
Can you imagine? You know what I have for you.
You know what's built up over four years.
The second the finger is pulled out of that dyke,
there's going to be a lot of liquid flowing.
Let's not do that in front of your sister.
- Well, I just... - Please don't do that
- in front of your sister. - Okay but you know,
I have to say, I just,
I think that I can hold back the dyke personally.
I'm not angry. I'm not angry,
I'm just saying...
I'm just saying and I am not angry,
if I am on this bed and she is on this bed,
I am going to make love to her so fast
and hard and furious that you don't want to be here.