Anyway, to cut a long story short,
I decided to kill myself.
That's the trouble with suicides, I've learnt.
You can't cut the long story short,
because it's the long story that people are interested in.
Especially if you're me,
which, regrettably, I was
and still am to this day.
So, forgive me if you already knew this, but I'm Martin Sharp,
the man who had everything.
One wife, two children, three dogs, at least four People's Choice awards,
and five mornings a week on the most successful breakfast show in Britain.
Huh, they were even offering me Mondays off.
So far, so good.
I had reached middle age unscathed, with money in the bank.
Until I met Susie Jenkins at a launch for a new men's moisturiser.
- Happy New Year, mate. - All I can say in my defence, Your Honour,
is that she looked 25 to me.
But she wasn't.
Cue, in chronological order,
tabloid frenzy, a short prison sentence, divorce,
disgrace, demolition.
Doors closing.
New Year's Eve is supposed to be a pause for breath,
a punctuation mark.
Well, I had come to a full stop.
Really.
Why wouldn't I want to throw myself off the top of a tall building?
Oh! Oh!
Excuse me.
Hi.
Um, I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this, but...
Are you going to be long?
- What? - I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn, or...
I hadn't considered the wire. I'd really like to borrow your ladder.
Maybe I should just wait. I'll wait.
Are you just going to stand there and watch?
No. No, of course. You'll be wanting to do it on your own, I'd imagine.
You imagine right.
I'll go there.
All right.
I'll give you a shout on the way down.
Right.
Oh, jeez!
I can't.
Maybe you should go first.
I would want to be on my own.
- Completely. - Understood.
Twenty minutes, then I want my spot back.
- Right. - OK.
- Ooh! - Oh!
Maureen.
Martin.
Are you from...
- Oh, I... I recognise your face. - Oh, do you?
Were you married to someone in a pop group?
No.
- Were you on TV? - Maureen, perhaps this is not
the best time to talk about this.
- Out of my way, fuckers! - No, stop, stop!
No! No!
- Maureen, a bit of help? - Who the fuck are you?
- What do you want me to do? - Sit on her legs.
You're getting a thrill out of this, aren't you, you pervert?
- Oh, my God. - What?
You're Martin Sharp. You are a pervert, officially!
That's it! Rise and Shine with Martin and Penny!
Just let me go...
- No, just... - Wait!
Hi.
Erm...
Any of you guys order a pizza?
Well, shall we do introductions?
I'm Jess.
Everyone calls me Jess.
I... I'm Maureen.
- I'm, uh... I'm JJ. - I'm...
- Martin Sharp. - Yes.
It's very exciting to have a celebrity in our suicidal midst.
- This feels wrong. - Mmm.
All right, well, we could just do a "one, two, three, jump!"
Whoa!
I wouldn't have minded if it had been the proverbial cry for help,
but, believe me, you don't cart a ladder up 15 flights of stairs
on a freezing cold New Year's Eve unless you're serious.
Nice to meet you.
It was just another debacle. Another cock-up.
I'd have believed you if you'd told me half an hour before
that I'd end up on my car,
but not in it.
And I absolutely knew, with every fibre of my being,
that I wouldn't be seeing any of those freaks and misfits again.
I didn't know what they were doing up there.
And I didn't want to find out, thank you very much.
I had no interest whatsoever.
Oh, fuck.
Do I regret stopping to pick her up?
Well, that really is along story.
- Want a lift? - No, no.
The bus will be along in 15 minutes.
Get in the car, Maureen.
Oh!
I did like your television show.
- What are you doing? - Aw, it's a bit early for a reunion, isn't it?
Get in the car. We're taking you home.
So this is...
Jolly.
OK.
One word answers.
Everyone has one word to explain
why they were up on the roof in the first place.
For example, Martin might say
- notoriety. - Mmm-hmm.
- Maureen might say loneliness. - I'm not lonely.
- Tell that to your cats. - I don't have cats.
I was up there because I felt...
- Helpless. - Helpless?
That's a very good adjective.
Are we not fitting into your pre-ordained boxes, Jess?
Actually, you fill your one marvellously, Martin.
Was prison fun?
You really believe you have an answer for everything, don't you?
I really believe that you are a miserable bastard.
Actually, right now, a miserable bastard is exactly what I am.
Have I not been hiding it well?
- Pizza boy. - JJ.
Why might pizza boy want to die?
What would be your reason, Jess?
My reason would be love.
Chas. Chas the dickhead. He spurned me.
I'm a spurned woman.
Cancer.
I was up there because I have cancer.
I have inoperable cancer.
We have a winner.
That's fucking brilliant.
Very impressed. Is it an embarrassing cancer?
Brain.
CCR.
- I'm sorry, JJ. - Yeah.
I think colon would have been better.
Ooh, we're here.
What, here? You live here?
No, but Chas is likely to be here
and I've got a couple of things I want to say to him.
Good luck with your next attempt. See you in the afterlife.
Yep, good night.
Unhappy little thing, isn't she?
I should have known.
The most popular place in London for suicides
on the most popular night for suicides.
I should have known.
- I wouldn't be alone. - I don't know why she thought I have cats.
And she certainly swears too much, but...
Go on, Maureen, just say it.
I just, um...
Should she be alone?
Right.
Uh, Martin, you, uh, you go that way.
- I'll go... I'll go this way. - No, no, no. I can't do this...
What else are we gonna do? Hey, what else are we gonna do?
And, Maureen, uh...
You take... You take the bathrooms.
The bathrooms. Bathrooms? OK, go.
I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess?
I'm looking... I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess?
- Hi. I'm looking for a... - Hi.
- I'm looking for a... - Hi.
I'm looking for a girl... Jess.
Good.
Great. Perfect.
17, 16,
15,14.
13,12.
11,10.
Nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
- Hi. - Uh...
- You hiding, too, are you? - Yeah.
I've... I've taken some pills.
It's all good.
- What are you hiding from? - Oh, you know...
Humans. Humanity, life. You?
The nutter who's trying to kill me.
Your reason's better than mine, then.
And where is this nutter?
- She's everywhere. - Oh.
- Godlike, is she? - I was just hoping I was having a bad pill.
Um, but she... She's not supposed to be here and I'm pretty sure I've just seen her.
I'm pretty sure I've seen you on breakfast TV.
So... Maybe I'm actually having a good pill and...
You're Chas, aren't you?
- How do you know that? - I'm here with the... nutter.
Chas! Chas, Chas, Chas! Wait. Listen to me. Listen.
Let's just go and find her together, eh?
I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
Eh, she tried to kill me twice, got me... Got me arrested once.
Mmm, I'm banned from three pubs, two clubs and... And a cinema.
- OK. - Just let me leave quietly.
- All right. OK. - I've done nothing wrong.
Nothing wrong?
Taking her to bed! Nothing wrong?
Where is she? Where's Jess? We need to find her.
- You need to talk to her. - She won't talk.
She'll just chase me with a bread knife.
Oh, tonight she was prepared to end her life because of what you did to her.
- Maureen, don't. - What?
Yeah, that's where we met her, at the top of a tower block.
- Preparing to... - What?
Hey! Hey, it's Jess. Come on.
- How's she doing? - Ready?
- Hey, Jess. - Do you know what she took?
I don't know. Drugs, alcohol. You know, the usual.
- Are you her father? Next of kin? - No, I'm not. No, no, no, I'm not.
- I need to know her name. - I only, uh... She's called Jess.
- Sir, I need her full name. - None of us knew her before tonight.
You need to wait here.
- She's got no identification on her, no nothing. - Yeah, well,
she probably didn't want to make identification easy.
She likes things, you know, difficult.
Hmm, hospitals... Not a fan.
Good drugs, though.
Mmm!
You late for something?
I just
need to make sure I'm home to make Matty some breakfast.
- Matty? - My son.
- You have a son? - Yes.
His breakfast is quite complicated.
I don't, er...
Look, if I... If I'm not going to die tonight, it's important that he...
He doesn't know anything that happened...
Here she comes.
Oh, boy.
Uh...
OK.
I've just got a few things to clarify.
Uh, number one,
my gown's open-backed, 'cos they've stolen my clothes,
so I'm just gonna do a twirl for you right now and you can have a look at my arse.
Just once. It's not my best feature,
but that's something that you'll probably find out the more we get to know one another.
Uh, number two, it... It really...
It wasn't an overdose, it was just an accident.
- Jess... - Honestly. I just... I took all these pills
and then... And then I took some more. But it was... It was just for fun.
I'd never kill myself by taking pills.
I'd probably do something really cool,
like jumping off the top of a tower block.
Jess, we were worried.
Was I on number three? Erm...
I think I was on number four. I just wanted to say,
thank you so much for caring,
because I really, um... I really, really appreciate it.
He was worried. I was trying to work out what we were still doing here.
Number five. I think I was on number f... something... six...
Fuck.
Is... is it just me? Because it's...
It's really fucking cold out here, guys.
It's really cold.
Come here. Come here now.
- Come on in. Come on. - Yes. Hmm?
Thanks.
Psst.
Hmm.
When is the next date after New Year's Eve when everybody kills themselves?
- Why? - Valentine's Day.
That's six weeks away.
OK, here's the deal.
Nobody kills themselves until then.
Why?
I mean, why would we want to do that?
Why would we not want to kill ourselves if and when and how we want, eh?
Come on, what's the alternative?
It's some sort of race to the finish.
It's me checking the obituaries every week
to see if Martin Sharp is dead.
No of fence, guys, but I don't think your deaths would
really make the papers.
Come on, it's six weeks.
It's not such a ridiculous idea.
Yes, Maureen. Has anybody got a pen?
- Can I have some paper as well? - Paper.
Great. Thanks.
"The undersigned do hereby promise
"not to kill themselves
"before Valentine's Day."
Maureen, sign just wherever you like.
Pizza boy.
- But it's... - You're dying anyway, hmm?
Martin Sharp.
Life-saver.
Superman.
Six weeks, Martin.
We'll all push you off the top ourselves if it makes any difference.
It could be a little Valentine's Day treat.
I'm pretty sure we're all going to live to regret this.
Guys, look.
So, this is a new year, then.
Yeah.
Hang on. Maureen, just a fucking question here.
Have we just written our pact on the back of your
- suicide note? - Oh...
Yes, there is that.
My mum always likes to repeat this story of me as a kid
being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I always used to say, "Invisible."
I don't know quite what prompted it, but the thought of it stuck with me.
It was only later...
that I found out that invisibility is, in fact, a technical possibility.
It was in this book that my sister stole from the library
and I stole from my sister.
I followed her into crime.
Though she was better at it than me.
She always sort of glowed innocence
whereas I, to this day, just sort of radiate guilt.
Anyway, to be invisible is easy.
You just have to find a way to diffract light.
Whoa! You trying to get yourself killed?
I haven't managed it yet, but I'm working on it.
I didn't just follow him.
I followed all of them.
And it wasn't stalking.
You stalk a deer in order to kill it,
mount it, stick it on your wall and tell the story of how fucking brilliant
you are with a shotgun.
I didn't want to kill any of them.
I certainly didn't have any interest in mounting them.
And I don't own a shotgun,
though I'd like one.
I just wanted to check in, invisibly,
to check they were sticking to the pact.
That's not stalking.
It's barely even espionage.
OK.
Now I know why you're ringing.
Pink flamingos fly north on Tuesday.
Hello, Jess.
This is a top spy location, Dad.
It's hugely inconspicuous.
Look, um...
Where have you...?
This is a situation.
I've invited...
A situation is what you're referring to it as?
How else would you refer to it?
I don't know, Dad.
Well, you did what you did.
Yeah, I tried to kill myself.
Jess, please don't put words in my mouth.
This is hard enough.
- Is it, Dad? - Yes.
Why are we doing this here? Why can't we just do this at home?
Because the press will be there and I'm trying to protect you.
Oh, yeah. Well, you've always been really great at that, haven't you?
- Jess... - What the hell are you doing here?
Uh...
- I was invited. - You were invited?
Politician's daughter. I was surprised.
I called his agent. I thought we should all talk.
- You called his agent? - Yeah.
He was delighted.
First call he'd had in awhile.
Was it you... Who went to the press?
No!
I've been trying to figure it out myself, but...
JJ?
He's too shy.
It's not Maureen.
No, no.
Hey, it was fucking Chas.
Chas sold us.
My ex-wife rang this morning, wanting to know what I'd done.
Asking me what she should tell the children.
Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
She told me I seem to be the only person in the whole world
that the press gets bang-on.
If they say I've slept with a 15-year-old, I generally have.
If they say I've contemplated suicide, I generally have.
Yes, I read about you with the girl.
You haven't... You two haven't...
- You're asking whether we've slept together? - Jesus, really?
- You think I'd... - Oh, Martin! At least I'm legal.
Yeah, and I value our friendship too much to complicate it.
Do you plan to maintain your relationship with Jess?
Yeah, of course he will. We're in a gang.
- We're not in a gang. - Yeah, you signed a pact.
Ah, yes, of course, the pact. How could I forget?
Yeah, Jess and I are friends for life now.
Now, look, Martin,
I'm sure I don't have to tell someone with your media training
that what we...
What we have here is... Is a media firestorm.
Yes, gentlemen, this is a media firestorm.
- I'll leave you to it. - Jess. Jess!
Why don't you invite him to our family therapy?
You could do that. Why don't you pay him to be you, Dad?
Martin doesn't want my money.
You don't, do you?
Has anyone ever told you you're a bit of an idiot?
I'm a politician. That's all they ever tell me.
- All right. - Yep.
Yep. Good luck.
Yep.
This is the second tragedy for the Crichton family
after the disappearance of older sister, Jennifer two years ago.
Jennifer was never found, and you have to wonder
how Shadow Education Secretary Chris Crichton will cope
with this new strain upon him.
- Come on, then. - Well done, boys.
♪ Tragedy
♪ When the feeling's wrong and you can't go on. It's tragedy
♪ When the morning cries and you don't know why. It's hard to bear
♪ With no one to love you you're going nowhere
♪ Tragedy ♪
Jess?
Can I come in?
Shall I come in, Jess?
Where have you gone now?
Jess?
Hiya.
Wow!
This... This is Matty.
- My son. - No, I mean... I mean...
Wow! You've just... You've completely wowed me.
- Jess. - What does that mean, 'wow'?
Like, wow, this is what you've been hiding in here.
- Jess, enough. - Sorry.
Sorry.
I wasn't leaving him that night.
There was...
Maureen, no one's accusing you of anything.
Social services would have been forced to pay for proper care.
I mean, the standard of care they can provide, it's better.
And I don't hide him.
I've never hidden him, never.
Can we get back to the matter in hand, hmm?
Yeah, we're all here to figure out how to get them to
leave us all alone.
OK, I had three of them call my cell today.
How'd they even get my number?
Yeah, how did Chas even remember you?
Hey, wait. Is Chas behind this?
Yeah, I mean, you're quite cute
but you're infinitely forgettable.
They won't...
Leave us alone.
They'll find out where you live, where Maureen lives.
- What, they'll be here? - So, I've been...
I've been thinking.
What if we shift the goal posts?
- Goal posts? - Yeah, make it our story, not theirs.
I mean, there's even the possibility that we might be able to make some
money out of it.
- Money? - Yeah, money.
That would be good for Matty, wouldn't it?
I'm sure JJ would like a break from pizzas.
And as an unemployed, disgraced talk show host,
I could certainly do with it.
I don't... I don't want Matty in the papers.
We... We can't stop that.
But, at least, this way we won't lose out entirely.
By telling our story...
What... What story?
That we went up, then we came back down again.
They've sold newspapers off our backs.
- Isn't it time we got something out of it? - I...
- Yes, OK. - Good. Great.
Yeah?
- Well? - Yeah, I mean, if you think it's...
If you think it's right, Martin, yeah, I'm in.
I mean, I'm fine financially,
'cos, you know, I've got my dad to nick from.
Oh.
But if we were to make the story a fun one...
Let me tell you a story.
We were up there...
And we were ready to go
and we felt this... presence.
I would describe it...
As a light.
An ethereal glowing.
It was an angel.
We were visited by an angel.
And it looked like... Like Matt Damon.
Matt Damon.
Oh, fuck it, yeah. I'm... I'm with her.
- He looked like Matt Damon. - Who's Matt Damon?
No, no, it wasn't really a physical angel. It was more of a...
Is that what Jess told you? What else did she say?
And he was naked and he said,
he literally decreed, "Thou shalt not die tonight."
I mean, this is Matt Damon, the naked angel.
- What? - Maybe we shouldn't write all of this down.
Can I talk to your editor? Used to be a good mate of mine.
Oh, an actor.
What films has he been in?
You're not actually gonna print this, are you?
Yeah. Yeah, no, that's how it went.
I had an interesting thing happen today.
- Did you? - Let me guess.
Your second daughter humiliated you on the pages of the national press?
Actually, no. I was in the Members' Bar...
And somebody came up to you and they said,
"Chris, was that your daughter on the pages of the national press?"
People have laughed at me for a long time,
but I did prefer it when they didn't laugh at you.
An angel.
You told them you saw an angel.
- Chris. - And did it look like Jennifer?
Is that what you were going to say?
No.
No, Dad, I...
I didn't tell them it looked like Jennifer.
I told them that it looked like Matt Damon.
Zoom in on camera two.
Penny, you're on in three, two, one.
Many of us have been transfixed by the story of the Topper House Four
and the angel that visited them.
And we are so lucky here on Rise and Shine with Penny
to have them with us in the studio today.
One of them certainly needs no introduction. Martin.
Martin Sharp, my old co-host.
Penny, it's an honour to be back on this old sofa again with you.
And I'd really like to take this opportunity
to correct a few misconceptions about this so-called angel...
And we will absolutely have time for that, Martin,
but it would be remiss of me not to begin the interview
with a bit of background on what's been happening
to you in the last 12 months.
Yes, well, um...
Yes, well, Penny, currently I'm juggling various job opportunities,
concentrating on being a father.
And, before that, I was in prison.
But what we'd actually like to talk to you about
is what we allegedly saw on the roof.
And, of course, the reason that you were in prison
was for an inappropriate relationship with an underage girl.
- That's right, Penny. - And this incident,
this sex of fence, led you to lose your job, your home,
your family and finally drove you to suicidal feelings.
That's right, Penny.
Which is, of course, where...
Where he met you lovely people.
Yeah. Yeah, we, er... We all met up there.
And where you saw your angel that looked like Matt Damon.
- Tell me more. - Hi. Sorry.
It wasn't an angel. It was... It was more of a light.
We never agreed on an angel.
Now, Jess.
I really... Talk to the other people before you come to me.
We know you mostly through your father,
Shadow Education Secretary, Chris Crichton.
You should probably talk to JJ because he...
He is really interesting.
I'm sure he is.
I'm sure you're all fascinating.
But, Jess, our sympathies lie particularly with you
because of the devastating disappearance of your sister, Jennifer.
You should talk to Maureen.
Um... Her son lives in a cage.
But, Jess, let's focus on you.
It's OK.
Were you close?
Penny.
Why don't you ask someone else a question?
My old co-host still trying to co-host me there.
Jess, tell me, was that what drove you up there?
Jennifer's disappearance? It must have been so painful.
I can see you're getting upset.
You must have felt so alone.
I said, "Talk to Maureen", bitch!
Many apologies. As you can see...
Why didn't you fucking listen to me?
I told you to fucking listen to me!
Jess! Jess, come back.
- It's you. - Hey.
I was just checking to see if you're... You're OK.
Yeah.
Never better, champ.
That, er... That right?
Are you gonna keep following me?
Do you know where you're going?
Yeah. I know where I'm going. I'm going where I always go.
Yeah?
Can you walk beside me, not behind me?
'Cos my arse isn't my best feature.
Yeah, you, er...
You mentioned that.
This is where she parked it.
- Parked what? - Mum's car.
My car.
Well, it was gonna be my car when Jen went to university.
Found the car.
Didn't find her.
You know, just... Just gone.
Perhaps she learnt how to be invisible.
Must be tough.
My dad organised this nationwide search.
He really, really got into it, you know.
Mum...
From the beginning just gave up hope.
Anyway.
At least I don't have cancer.
Yeah.
You don't have cancer, do you?
What?
I can see it. I can tell.
If I look healthy, it's because of the drug regimen I'm on right now.
I've never seen you take a single pill.
Well, the drug regimen is pretty minimal.
JJ.
I'm a professional liar. You're not even a competent one.
It just... It just came out, you know.
And once it... came out, I couldn't take it back, so...
You were going to jump, weren't you?
You weren't just delivering pizzas and then you got too polite?
Yeah, I was...
I was going to jump, yeah.
Why?
Why, er...
It's a simple enough question, JJ.
You're a paedophile, like Martin.
Oh.
What are the chances of that?
Four suicidalists, one roof, two of them paedophiles.
That's practically a convention.
Look, I know I shouldn't have... lied.
It's just, cancer seemed...
easier.
- You're a strange guy, JJ. - Huh.
Fuck it, I'm stranger.
I like coming and hanging out at the place where my sister disappeared.
Hmm. Look.
What?
Swifts.
You know my favourite thing about swifts?
They nest on the wing.
They're born and then they're fed.
And from the moment they leave their birthplace,
they don't come down for two years until they're ready
to create other baby swifts.
Oh, my gosh.
You're a birdwatcher.
That's why you wanted to kill yourself.
No, no, I understand now.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Good, good.
One elephant.
Two elephants.
Three elephants.
Four elephants.
One elephant.
Two elephants.
Three eleph...
My first band was called Gepetto.
We were a grunge band after grunge had long been forgotten.
Timing has never been my strong suit.
We came third in the Idaho state Battle of the Bands.
We got our pictures in the paper and I was recognised in the mall.
For me, that was fame.
But fame like this, like the Topper House Four...
Suicide again, then, is it?
Hi, Gladys.
Those press still about?
Yeah.
In a mere three weeks, we'd not only not died,
but we'd been on the front pages of all the tabloids
and led many people to believe again in the existence of angels,
or, at least, Jess had.
We even had questions asked about us in Parliament,
though that might have been just to embarrass Jess' dad.
It was Martin who suggested getting away.
He said we'd be like Butch and Sundance.
Jess reminded him that didn't work out so well for them.
But it seemed like a good idea.
Get away and hope that by the time we got back
we'd be forgotten and the world would be a kinder place.
To us, and for us.
I wish I had thought life a better option than death,
but I didn't, and wishing wasn't going to fix it.
To quote one of Gepetto's songs,
"I don't mind the pain, it's the hope that kills me."
Yeah, we were pretty deep.
OK, fiver says one of us punches
one of the others before the end of the holiday.
- Punches? - Like kicks or slaps or tickles.
One of us will use physical violence against one of the others
- before the week's out. - OK.
This holiday is going to be a disaster.
Oh, I hope so.
So, who's looking after Matty, Maureen?
No one. She's just left some food in the fridge
and some wet wipes by the bed.
I'm sure the break will do you both the world of good.
- Yeah, that's what Dr Stephens said. - Yeah. Yeah.
- He's taken him for a week's observation. - Yeah, yeah.
- Your boarding pass, Madam. - Yeah, go ahead.
Your boarding pass, with your flight details on it.
You were handed it at check-in.
This?
And your passport.
OK.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
Maureen? Maureen!
- Uh, no, sorry. You can't go backwards. - Maureen, stop.
Please stop, Maureen. Please, please stop.
It's just a trip, that's all.
Just a trip, till all this press nonsense blows over.
- It's for the best. - This is all... It's just all too much.
I mean, I don't know you.
And I don't travel well. And I've...
I've never been on a 'plane before.
- You've never been on a 'plane before? - Shut up, Jess.
Maureen, if you're afraid of flying, I've got these tablets.
I'm not afraid of flying. It's just, I'm...
I didn't want to be in the papers and I didn't want to be on TV,
and I don't want to be here now. I just...
I just want to go back to my old life, OK?
But your old life wasn't very good, Maureen.
Look, we made a pact.
This is the final call for Flight CA432 to Tenerife.
Will all remaining passengers please make their way to Gate C38
- immediately. - It's gonna be fine.
Come on.
- To a really good holiday. - To life.
Good afternoon.
My name is Angelo and I will be your waiter.
Well, sometimes I will. Other times I will be theirs.
It's just a joke. Real, but a joke.
Hello, Angelo.
So, you're from England? How nice.
Yeah, you knew that, Angelo. You just talked English to us.
I did, I did.
Is he always this clever, your husband?
He is not her husband.
Let me guess.
- You're all lovers, right? - What? No.
- Yes, yes. - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we are, right here.
I bring Vaseline and Maureen always brings a dildo.
You know, someone told me a joke about Vaseline once.
But I can't entirely remember it.
Well, Maureen, you must keep drinking till you remember.
Yeah.
- We're happy. Good. - Me, too.
Oh, the sun is so fierce.
And the sea's so sparkly and blue.
Oh, Maureen, tell me that you've seen the sea before.
Yes, I've seen the sea before.
Are we going in?
- No. - Of course we are.
- We're not in our swimming costumes. - Oh, underwear will be fine.
- You don't see... No, no! - Come on.
No!
Come on, grab her! Come on, grab her!
- Hi. - Hey.
Maureen just called me up on the hotel 'phone.
Surprised to have her own bathroom.
- She thinks this place is the height of luxury. - Yeah, it is kind of cool, huh?
Cheapest place I've stayed in for 20 years.
Yeah?
It doesn't feel strange, does it?
Us...
- Being away together? - No.
No, it feels good.
I thought I knew what I was doing with the press and then...
And then what?
- The Jess meltdown and... - No, no, no.
Then I realised I'd got it all wrong. I thought people would like it.
I thought we'd make money and people would find it eccentric
- and heart-warming. - Heart-warming?
Four people survive suicide, find hope, blah, blah, you know.
I mean, it's the kind of good-news story the press love.
However,
I underestimated how much they hate me.
It's not just about you, Martin.
You know,
I envy you.
You, your cancer. I mean, it's so cut and dry.
No, really. Really, JJ, I am so impressed with you.
I mean, you hardly let it phase you.
And that is something to drink to.
Here you go.
Put hairs on your chest.
Your health.
Do you know what I feel when I wake up in the mornings?
Humiliated.
Do you know what I feel at lunchtime?
Humiliated.
My life is a constant stream of humiliation.
I don't feel sad. I don't feel angry. I just feel...
Humiliated.
Yeah.
To humiliation.
OK, God gives you three wishes.
Oh, God's not a tombola machine, Martin.
He doesn't just give wishes.
Three wishes. Anything you want.
That's easy. OK, billions of pounds
- and my own personal hitman... - OK.
and a court waiver
over anything that I want to do.
- Really? Um... - Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'd... I'd want a bit more help.
A bit more of a life.
What's a bit more of a life?
Just what other people have.
What do other people have?
And I'd wish my son all better.
That's why I don't do wishes.
I'd want to be famous again, the right kind of famous.
I mean, being famous is great.
Everyone think it's difficult, but it's not.
I mean, you get to have the best seats in restaurants.
People smile at you on 'planes. It's great.
And whatever you do, you feel vindicated by your own fame.
And you never ever feel humiliated.
Well, it's certainly better than real life, anyway.
Wow!
You're so deep.
No, I'm just honest.
- Martin! It's... - What?
You're nothing if you're not noticed.
OK, fame or your kids?
- Mmm... - Martin, you don't mean that.
Don't I?
All right, this is a bad game.
OK.
I wonder what JJ would choose as his three wishes.
'Cos, obviously, you'd...
You'd want to cure your cancer, for a start.
I'm going to go, uh, use the restroom.
Then you'd probably want loads of money
so that you could donate it to Cancer Research.
You know, other people are allowed to be in pain.
You know that, Jess?
Hey, mis amigos ingleses.
How are we doing tonight?
No, it's... Just leave it.
Peachy, Angelo. Peachy.
Great. Keep drinking.
You're sitting in my seat.
What?
Uh, I'd find another seat, but you're also sitting on my shawl.
Oh, shit, sorry.
- There. - Thanks.
You know, I think I recognise you from somewhere.
Ah.
Yeah, um... There's this thing...
That may have been in the papers a bit recently, so...
No, that's not it.
Are you in a band?
- What? - Yeah.
- You supported Alt-J. - Yeah.
- Manchester Towers. - Two years ago.
It was the first time we came to Britain.
- You're the front man, right? - Yeah.
I remember loving your lyrics.
Really? Yeah, wow! You know, I... I wrote those.
Adolescent shit mostly.
Are you still serious about it?
Er...
I was. Now, not so.
What's your name?
JJ.
Which stands for?
Er... John Julius.
Hi, John Julius.
I'm Kathy.
Hello, Kathy.
Wow!
This is brilliant! Yeah!
- I love it. This is beautiful. - Yeah.
Beautiful!
- Who's that? - That is, uh, my uncle.
Ah! I think I recognise him.
Yeah. He's, uh... He's vaguely famous.
Ah, a failed musician with a vaguely famous uncle.
I am a lucky girl.
I enjoy it all the time, Angelo.
See you later, mate.
- Come on, let's go! - Go where?
- We're going to go dance. - No, no, no, I'm happy to watch.
- No, no, come on. - Martin, I don't...
Come on!
Whoa!
- So, uh, you're out here on your own? - Mmm-hmm.
Other people just crowd it and make it about themselves.
So you're... You're here with family?
Your uncle and...
Uh, yeah, a bit of family, friends, sort of.
But you don't like them?
I mean, you ran away from them at the bar.
No, it's just they can be a little, um...
- A little intense, you know? - Mmm-hmm.
And you don't like intense?
No, uh...
Yeah, I can't really talk because I'm intense.
Good.
Because if you're looking for a neurosis-free girl,
you're bang out of luck.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, I...
I once set fire to my hair just to see what would happen.
I was 10 and it didn't improve my look.
Oh, that's, that's nothing.
When I was a kid, I jumped off our roof just to see if I could hurt myself.
And, um, yeah, I broke my leg and I...
I kind of liked it.
OK, well, how's this for psycho?
I carved my ex-boyfriend's initials
- into my left inner thigh... - Ah...
as a way of telling him that no-one else would ever see there.
- Beat that. - Um...
Easy. I...
I recently told some people that I had cancer
to avoid telling them the real reason
I had for attempting suicide.
That is intense.
- What... What was the... real reason? - I...
You know what? I don't know.
I do know that I am now part of a pact
- that I had to lie to become a... - What pact?
Just a...
Just a bunch of desperate people being desperate together
as a way of feeling a little less desperate.
OK, you win the psycho game.
Good. Good. I always wanted to win that game.
I haven't done this for a while, so...
Mmm.
- OK, now I'm going to say something. - Oh, fuck!
Because if I wait and say nothing and then you spot me
after you've pissed, I think that would probably be worse.
Wait, how did... How did you even...
Just took a credit card and a bit of spit, you know.
Hotel security is not what it should be.
How long have you been there?
I just really wanted to apologise for earlier.
Because I don't know...
I don't know why I said that.
And then I was probably gonna try and shag you.
She's really pretty, though,
So, well done.
- Hey... - You don't have to say anything.
You can take that one as a compliment.
Then, I'll just leave quietly.
Hey, uh, Jess...
You know, I really would prefer it if you didn't say anything.
You do know she's a journalist though, right?
- What? - Look in her bag.
'Cos I saw her check her recorder in the bar.
- Oh, my God! - Still, she fucked you, though, right?
So, at least she's thorough.
Hey, hey.
"What pact?"
"Just... just a bunch of desperate people
"being desperate together
"as a way of feeling a little less desperate."
I think it's sweet.
I think it's unsanitary.
No, only part of you thinks that. The other part thinks it's sweet.
Oh... Hmm.
- Why are you waiting here? - I'm waiting for them to finish
this tray of scrambled egg and bring in a new tray.
But the scrambled egg's never fresh, Martin.
I mean, I might not have been on a lot of holidays,
but I've been in a lot of hospitals and I understand institutional catering.
Who are all these people and why do they eat so much?
They're having a good time, that's all.
- Martin. - Hmm?
Thank you for arranging this holiday.
I think it's been good for me.
You really don't understand what a disaster we all are, do you?
- Come on, let's get you some breakfast. - Yeah, good idea, good idea.
- The prunes are very good. - Don't like prunes.
- Hi. - Oh, morning, JJ.
I may have said some stupid things last night.
Drink has never been my friend.
- Sorry about that. - So, I got a few things to say.
I don't think you're gonna like any of them.
Are you going back to America?
Yeah, I'm gonna start with the... the biggest... Um...
I don't have cancer of the... the brain.
- I don't have CCR. - Oh, they've cured you!
No, Maureen, I, uh... I never had it.
- I... I made it all up. - Oh.
There's actually no such thing as... as CCR.
It's just Creedence Clearwater Revival are
one of my favourite bands, but...
Oh. I wasn't gonna say anything.
Did you know about this?
You know, I thought there was something strange.
So, why, hmm?
Why, JJ, were you up there?
He can't answer that. That's personal.
- I'm sure he had good reasons. - Oh, did he? JJ, did you?
Yeah, um...
Guys, actually, I'm gonna need to postpone this conversation...
We... We had a pact.
I... I trusted you. I liked you!
Hey, Martin, please, just sit down. We'll talk about this another time.
- Another time? What time would you... - Hey, where were you?
Oh, right, great. We all stop for your girlfriend, do we?
She's not my girlfriend, OK? She's...
- She's a journalist. - What?
- Look, I didn't know. - Shit.
You don't know much, do you?
If he didn't know, he didn't know.
I mean, we've had bad things written about us before.
Look, I understand that you are angry, but, please, Martin,
- I'm feeling pretty humiliated... - Oh, you don't understand anything!
You certainly don't understand humiliation!
- Martin, you're being dramatic. - You're a leech! You're a fake!
- You're a fraud! You're a joke, JJ. - Martin, stop this.
- John... - Who the fuck is John?
I'm... Look, I'm John.
And you know what?
- I'm not a fraud. - Stop it. Remember the pact.
Fuck the pact!
I'm not a fraud!
Don't you ever touch me again!
Good morning, sunshine.
Hello, sweetheart.
Hello, sleepy head.
How are you? Good morning.
All right, here we go.
"Not having Matty with me on the holiday,
"it... it felt like I was missing a leg.
"Strange.
"Light.
"That's probably not like missing a leg at all.
"I don't imagine most people's first impressions
"of leg loss is weightlessness."
How's that?
There we are.
"I missed him most when the 'plane was landing.
"We shook a little on descent.
"I thought I was going to die.
"And I hadn't said goodbye.
"JJ's girlfriend's piece meant the story, our story, didn't die.
"But Martin said to concentrate on being boring
"and they'd eventually leave us alone.
"So, that's what I did. Not difficult.
"And, as for the others,
"as soon as we landed, we scattered in different directions like we were
"allergic to each other.
"The pact was broken beyond repair,
"and without the pact, our friendship was broken, too.
"I still saw them, actually, every now and again.
"I saw Jess in places she shouldn't be.
"And I did make a little effort to find JJ,
"just to check he was OK."
JJ, I can't believe... One last time, slower!
"I never saw Martin.
"No, mostly, I... I got on with my life
"and hoped they got on with theirs."
Matty did really well.
We did some interesting reflex work.
Nice to have him properly looked after for once.
He reacted well to company.
I'm sure he loved a change from my blathering.
We couldn't get him out of this pool.
Well, he's always loved water.
You know, er, there might be a
slot for him to come to one of my weekly sessions, if you'd like it.
Oh, I'm sure he'd love it.
I'll add him to the list.
You know, you look like you've caught a bit of colour.
Do I?
You know, from the pictures in the papers,
it looked like you picked a very nice spot.
Yes.
Well...
♪ Inchworm measuring the marigolds
♪ You and your arithmetic
♪ You'll probably go far
♪ Two and two are four
♪ Four and four are eight
♪ Eight and eight are 16
♪ 16 and 16 are 32 ♪
Matty?
Matty.
No. No.
Matty?
Oh, Matty!
We'll let you know as soon as there's any information.
- Hey, Maureen. - Oh!
Ah...
Oh, you came, too!
Yeah. Nothing on TV.
Uh, this is my dad. He drove me.
He'll probably say something very moving.
I'm sorry to hear about your son, Maureen.
It's not one of his best attempts, is it?
I'm really... I'm really grateful you're all...
You're all here.
Of course we're here.
This isn't tea.
No, I know. It's hot chocolate.
- But I asked for tea. - Well, I was buying
and I don't like the smell of tea.
- So, when you buy rounds in pubs... - Pink gins.
Then you never have to buy a round ever again.
It's clever, right, hmm?
Is JJ still not here, then?
I... I couldn't get through to him.
He's probably not picked up his messages.
Yeah, it's either that or he doesn't really care. It's one or the other.
I genuinely don't know how you've survived her.
- Ear plugs. - I am going to make you
go and sit in the car in a minute.
Ear plugs and pink gin.
He wasn't the reason I was up there.
Matty.
He wasn't.
No?
There were lots of reasons I was up on that roof.
You once asked me why, Jess.
And... I said... I said I felt helpless.
But the truth is, I'd not... I'd not done a list for living and a list for...
It... It was a feeling. Not a thought.
But not one of those reasons
was that I didn't love my son.
Not one of them, not one.
Maureen, we know that.
Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no, no...
- No, no, no. - Don't tell me...
He's fine. Maureen. Maureen...
He's fine.
- What? - We're gonna keep monitoring him.
But he's no longer critical.
- He'll be fine. - He'll be fine?
- Yeah, he'll be fine. - OK.
Now, the tubes look worse than they are.
We'll remove some tonight and the rest, hopefully, will be out tomorrow.
Oh! I should have seen it coming.
If he'd had... If he'd had proper care then...
Maureen... you saved him.
It was a myocardial infarction.
He... He had a heart attack of sorts.
His symptoms were almost invisible.
I didn't notice it. I was monitoring it and I didn't...
But you caught it.
You saved his life.
Matty's a very lucky boy to have you.
I only had one thought.
When he...
If he dies, I die.
Well, he lived.
And maybe he feels the same way about you as you do about him.
Have you ever considered that?
- It's Valentine's Day. - Mmm-hmm.
- Martin. - Yeah?
- Today is Valentine's Day. - Good.
- Martin. - Yeah.
Breakfast TV's completely messed up your brain, hasn't it? Come on.
- Oh, JJ! The pact! - Get Maureen. I'm gonna find JJ now.
Yeah. Oh, shit.
Have you... Have you seen JJ?
JJ is gone.
- Gone? - Yeah, he's a prick.
He left over a week ago. He didn't even serve notice.
That prick you're talking about, Paolo, happens to be my daughter's friend.
And you'd do well to remember that.
You are called Paolo, aren't you?
It's just that it says Paolo's Place outside and you
certainly sound Italian. You look Italian and...
- Love your tats. - Come on, Dad.
- Hello? - Oh, er... yes. Hi, hi, hello.
- What? - I'm looking for JJ.
- Who? - John Julius.
Oh, JJ.
I hoped you wouldn't be up here.
You know, three people have killed themselves from this building
between New Year's and today?
Sue Chalmott, housewife and manic depressive.
Um, David Frommet, banker who lost everything.
And, er, Ben Peterson. He was only 15.
So, you're going to join them?
I kept to the pact, Martin, OK?
This, me, it's none of your business now.
True. Why, though, JJ? Why are you up here?
That's the thing, Martin. I... I didn't lie to you.
- I don't know. - You... don't know?
And that makes my reason better than any of yours.
I wasn't aware that this was a competition.
You see, all Jess needs is to feel important.
Maureen, she needs to feel loved.
And you, you just... You just need to grow a brain.
Fair enough.
See, you can solve your problems, but me, I can't.
Just, Martin... Martin, stop.
Martin, just stop walking. Three steps and I'm gone. Just...
Oh, God!
Look, I'm just... I'm just tired
of, er, of being scared all the time
and not knowing why. I'm tired of being...
Trying... Trying to change and not knowing how.
You know, leaving my latest shit band, moving countries.
Because however much I do change,
I'm left with me.
Sounds like you've got it all worked out, JJ.
It's logical. The reason why you wanna die is because you don't wanna live.
It's as simple as that, right?
I used to think like that, too.
JJ.
- And then there were four. - Don't you get it?
I mean, we made it, all right?
We all made it to Valentine's Day and nothing, OK?
Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed!
But everything has changed.
- What? - Everything.
We are standing in entirely different positions,
for one thing.
I didn't ever want to be up here again, JJ. I'm pretty sure none of us did.
He's right. You know, it's shit up here.
I... I hope...
I think we still matter to you, JJ.
I mean, why else would you pick Valentine's Day?
You may think you want to die,
but you knew we'd look for you.
We're not up here because we wanna die.
We're here for you.
The Topper House Four.
We belong together. We're a team.
We're the worst team the world has ever known and if I was picking,
none of you would have made it onto the subs' bench, but still,
we're a team.
I know, it's not much, son.
But maybe we're a start.
You can't even see the bottom.
Hello?
Hello? Can anybody hear me?
We can hear you and see you, Martin.
Bonsoir, Martin.
Where's the button for this?
Oh, hiya.
Maureen, is that glitter on your face?
No, no, no... Yes.
Matty... Matty seems to like glitter.
And we're having a kind of a... Well, New Year's Eve party.
Maureen, you rager!
Jess, please!
I'm trying to keep the noise down out here, OK? Shh.
It was Dr Stephen's, er... Robert's idea, actually.
Yeah, he's been hugely helpful.
In return for me joining his quiz team,
which has caused much controversy because I was supposed to join another quiz team
and it's kind of complicated.
Sounds complicated.
I saw your Dad got promoted, Jess.
OK, we must have better news than that.
Come on, somebody say something. Martin?
Why don't you stoke up this party?
Why don't you tell us about some of your most recent bedtime conquests?
Well, I'm often asleep by 10:00, on my own, exhausted.
Are children famous for getting you up early in the morning? I had no idea.
God, when did we all turn into Little House on the fucking Prairie?
I've missed you...
- All. - You know, I, uh...
I got something to say. My therapist...
Therapist? There we go, that's some news.
Did you all know JJ is now officially mad?
Er... Jess...
You see a therapist, too.
Yeah, of course, but all the best people are mad, in my opinion.
My therapist
told me a story, a true story about this guy
who survived jumping off the Golden Gate bridge.
It's an anecdote, it's not strictly news.
The moment he jumped he realised that the only thing in his life he couldn't fix
was the thing he'd just done.
I mean, can you imagine those, those five seconds as he fell?
The agony of that.
Well, to me...
It feels like I fell without falling because of you guys.
I had my five seconds up on that roof and not in the air.
Hmm. Five seconds.
We each gave each other five seconds.
I like that, JJ.
And then five seconds turned into a year, into a life sentence.
You people make me want to kill myself.
Maureen, are you coming?
No, no, I'm just talking to my friends.
It's almost midnight and we're doing the Lambada, come on.
Maureen, where are you going?
Maureen!
Happy New Year!
OK.
OK, what just happened? Did Maureen just make us look like we're the square ones?
Remember, you're the one who accused her of having too many cats.
Time to sign off.
Happy New Year, Jess.
Happy New Year, Martin.
Happy New Year, Jess.
Happy New Year, John Julius.
We could go to a party, you know?
In case you were worried about being upstaged by Maureen.
Well, that's just the problem, though, isn't it?
I don't really want to go to a party.
Yeah.
I think you've broken me.
- Don't smile. - No?
- I will kill you... - I know.
If you smile.
Come on. Up to bed, sleepy head. There you go. Good girl.
There you go. Oh, yes, there you go.
Is it midnight yet?
Yes, it is.
You made it. Another new year.
Here we go.